NEWSLETTER: "NEWSLETTER MINIMUM CHARGE LAW SHOCK: 40P PER KITTEN UNIT"
"NEWSLETTER MINIMUM CHARGE LAW SHOCK: 40P PER KITTEN UNIT"
This Week:
* DOORS! - How fucking good are they?
* 8BIT GAMING - Probably shit but fun to look at
* MATTRESSES - Celebrity lookalikes
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | web by pressing
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| CRTL +S"
B3ta email 521 - 23 MAR 2012
Print this issue out & wear it as a hat:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue521
Cuddles : [email protected]
Uncuddles : [email protected]
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: ZOMBIE SHOPPING MALL - £119 (Sponsored link)
Shoot Zombies in abandoned shopping centre!
An abandoned shopping centre is due for
demolition. Wish.co.uk have come up with an
idea of utter genius: use it to spend the day
shooting zombies.
This is probably the bestest idea anyone has
chosen to advertise in the B3ta newsletter
ever.
Simon Pegg says: "Oh hell yes!!! If you can get
there, get some!"
http://wish.co.uk/zombie-shopping-mall/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Stuff, things, smells
>> Doors doors doors <<
"Hi, I am Mike Fordham," writes Mike Fordham.
"I make the music videos with Kunt & the Gang
and I've just made a new vid with
singer/songwriter/comedian/curly-haired Elliot
Mason for a track called 'Doors'." Needless to
say, we... a-door it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Happy-Go-Lucky Johnny <<
"We came up with an idea that we couldn't do in
live action," informs Ornsack. "So we ended up
making our first ever 2D animated short! NSFW
due to k00l swear words and RAD graphic
violence." Johnny, the happy-go-lucky knife.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Happy_Go_Lucky_Johnny
>> Autoglass chip <<
"I've been playing around with Gavin,"
confesses kfk, about what is possibly some sort
of Autoglass viral but is definitely a
dad-worthy groaner of a gag.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Autoglass
>> Clothes Shopping <<
"My take on fashion, yeah?" Sheep always
marches to the beat of his own drum.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Clothes_Shopping
>> Chainsaw Babe <<
"Here's my latest piece of clay," growls a
blood-spattered Lee Hardcastle. This chunky
lump of stop-motion ultraviolence actually
turned our stomachs, which can only a good
thing. The one thing Lee has held back on is
nudity, in an attempt to chase that SFW
certificate. But, "if you want to see clay tits
& minge then for $1.99 it is yours."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/CHAINSAW_BABE
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: JACKPOT PARTY (sponsored link)
Fruit Machines have just got "social"
You've played fruit machines - they normally
spin round with a load of silly bells and
lemons and stuff that means jack shit to no
one. So imagine if instead it was your
friend's faces from Facebook spinning around
whilst you tried to match Likes, Locations,
Star Signs etc with them? And you could find
out what sordid things you both like at the
end? And it was free? You'd want to play some
of that now, wouldn't you?
http://JackpotParty.com/FriendSlot
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Training Courses
Your QOTW editor once had to train an England
Rugby player to use a computer. I'll never forget
the look of glazed panic in his eyes:
http://b3ta.com/questions/trainingcourses/
* PERSONAL SPACE INVADERS - "Forget 'Buzzword
bingo' - some colleagues and I play 'Personal
space invaders' When there's the obligatory
socialising/getting to know fellow attendees
bollocks try this: Pick a target or goal (a
doorway, particular table or whatever) Each
player must then pick a fellow attendee to use
as a 'puck'. You then engage your puck in
conversation whilst subtly invading their
personal space in order to manoeuvre them into
the goal. This is harder than it sounds, but
the real skill is to keep up a conversation
despite their discomfort. Once the goal is
reached the winning player must pull their top
over their face and run around waving their
arms and yelling 'GOOOOOALL' in a Brazilian
commentator styleee. The most difficult pucks
in my experience have been women and gay men
who think I'm coming on to them. I have,
*ahem*, been propositioned by more than one
lady whilst playing, though..." (Captain Placid)
* FOAM - "I was selected for a leadership
course in the RAF: a series of retarded
team-building exercises. One involved placing a
large number of small foam cylinders on the
classroom floor and guiding a blindfolded
team-mate through this foamy minefield.
Because, obviously, matters of national
security require the same leadership qualities
as the Crystal Maze. The instructor, a
naturally boring man with a small, untidy
moustache and a savage overbite, left the room
with the people who were to be blindfolded.
Whereupon I put my leadership skills to work: I
outlined my proposed pattern, considered advice
from my fellow cylinder plonkers and set my
team to work. After five minutes or so, the
instructor returned to six giggling adults and
a crudely drawn foam penis, complete with
scrotum, spanning the entire length of his
particularly large classroom." (Chocolate
Hostage)
* LATE - "About 90 of us, packed in to an
auditorium. About 25 mins into a session about
fire drills, a door opened and someone walked
in, obviously late, panting, clasping a few
documents. Everyone is aware of him as he
stands at the front, looking up to find a seat.
He notices a seat right in the middle. "Excuse
me," he says to the man on the end of the row
to let him past. Everyone is aware of him, he
is making lots of noise. People have to stand
up to let him past. "Excuse me... pardon...
sorry... excuse me..." People are having to
gather their things so they can stand up to let
him past. Finally, he reaches his seat, takes
his coat off and sits down as, to the second,
the video comes to an end, and everyone gets up
and leaves." (Dan dan dan)
>> This Week - My First Internets <<
Do you remember having to send email by knitting
individual zeroes and ones from your own beard
hairs? Tell us of your first internet experiences:
http://b3ta.com/questions/internethistory/
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: CAPITAL BY JOHN LANCHESTER BOOK WINNERS
Compo give-away results from last week
Last week we asked you what would your life be
like in 10 years? Signed books winging their
way to Fr_Jerry_Mcwler, FBman, joefishEnzyme &
monkeon.
If you want to know what JOHN LANCHESTER
thinks your life will be like in 10 years then
sign up to the Pepys Rd site. You'll get 1
email a day for 10 days predicting 2002, 2003
etc. One lovely detail we found fascinating is
that it shows you whether you've come up in
the world or sunk via your postcode related to
average house price.
http://www.pepysrd.com/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> East Berlin's dinosaur graveyard <<
Moody pics of an abandoned former Communist
amusement park. We could not get tired of
looking at those dinosaurs, slowly falling to
pieces and tipped on their backs by German
drunks.
http://bit.ly/wCcgAp
>> Sir Ian Bowler's £10 manifesto <<
As "the only openly corrupt politician" in the
mayoral race, Sir Ian is offering the public a
chance to dictate his manifesto pledges in
return for a donation to his election campaign.
It's already become a rather baroque read.
http://ebowler.co.uk/about/
>> How to program your 808 drum machine <<
Starkly beautiful posters, showing you how to
reproduce classic pieces of electronic drum
wizardry.
http://www.robricketts.co.uk/808.html
>> Star Trek 90s fashion <<
Super-nerdy analysis of Star Trek: The Next
Generation from a fashion perspective. That
show really has seen some fashion crimes.
Which are currently being worn around
Dalston, ofc.
http://sttngfashion.tumblr.com/
>> Celebs who look like mattresses <<
Inspired bit of observation from London's
capital of abandoned bedding.
http://on.fb.me/Gzwm8T
>> The Free Universal Construction Kit <<
Want to build something out of half-Lego and
half-K'nex? Well now you can! Genuinely and
amazing thing - a set of adaptors that turn all
of your children's 'build stuff' toys into one,
giant construction set.
http://fffff.at/free-universal-construction-kit/
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: B3TAN BOOKS AND MUSIC
Available via Amazon loaddowns
Now that product means downloads, e-books and
MP3s rather than having to ship a load of paper
and plastic back from China there's been a
creative explosion in B3tans making stuff for
sale. Three of the best this week:
* HOW TO HAVE CREATIVE IDEAS - Dave Birss has
written a book about how to brainstorm. It's
short and readable and its main point is that
you need to bash rocks together and see what
comes up. Eg. if you're stuck, imagine how
would Sarah Silvermann solve it? What would
Bono do? Our favourite trick is going for a
walk and looking at everything we see, be it
advertising or people's shoes. The random
stimulus always helps us.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00769KB5...
* DAN BULL'S NEW ALBUM - Dan AKA B3tan
Housewife is seldom out of our newsletter with
his rapping ways. His album is brilliant and
we'd advise you to buy the MP3 version as he's
only made 1 copy of the CD flogging that for £1
million. He should sell two copies, then he's
make £2 million - the silly eeejit.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B006GYFQB...
* A BOOK FOR PRETEENS - DFLamont has written a
"fun adventure for kids aged 8-13". It's dirt
cheap too - £1.53 - worth a punt for your
kindle-owning children.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0078OR89...
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Philo Farnsworth 2.0 is watching YOU!
>> Vortex Cannon <<
Step 1: Cut a hole in a box. Step 2: Put some
smoke in the box. You just made yourself a
full-on Vortex Cannon! Obliterate your foes!
*If your foes are plastic cups.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> "London's tempo is 122.86bpm" <<
Talking Heads frontman David Byrne wanders
round London with a tape recorder, producing a
vid that resembles a cockney The Shining. We
love this idea - hope it inspires Kunt to go
out recording tramps swearing, drunks pissing
etc.
http://bit.ly/GHXP7z
>> Geometric Porn App Preview <<
Sadly, the Geometric Porn app has been rejected
by the stuffed shirts at Apple, who are too
aroused by tumescent pink squares, circles and
well-endowed rectangles.
http://vimeo.com/38240759
>> Controlled Quantum Wipe'Out Track <<
Was it only last year we were all excited about
controlled quantum levitation? Now here's the
first real world application - making classic
race game Wipe'Out in real life. Well, it's
models but it might as well be real life.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Celebrities read tweets about themselves <<
Ever wonder if that Tweet you sent really
wounded Will Ferrell? All is revealed.
http://youtu.be/RRBoPveyETc
>> Three-Way: The Golden Rule <<
Another Lonely Island/Timberlake R&B team-up.
There's simply nothing gay about two male
friends sharing the same girl. Also starring
Lady Gaga.
http://youtu.be/Pi7gwX7rjOw
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Redefining "funny" as "shit" since 1973
* GAYLORD SILLY - French-Seychellois long
distance runner, so don't think you can make
fun of him and run off, he'll catch you. And
shout at you in French.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaylord_Silly
* DICKSON POON SCHOOL OF LAW - so know you know
what lawyers who've just had a tax cut will be
spending their money on.
http://www.kcl.ac.uk/law/index.aspx
* DOMAIN NAME OF THE WEEK - mysticegg writes, "
Domain name is brutally honest, but all is not
as it seems!"
http://www.feeduscrap.com
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: FRIDAY GAME
8bit Mad Men
8-bit has become shorthand for old-fashioned
computer games - whereas, to our eyes, this is
closest to the Sierra On-Line stuff like
Leisure Suit Larry and Space Quest, which we
remember playing on a distinctly more than
8-bit EGA PC. Anyway - loving work despite our
pedantry.
http://bit.ly/GIkioo
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH REDUX
Last week's no-show gerbils at last!
Vampyre_gem writes, "Oh dear, what a dickhead I
am. I sent in a link (well, tried to) with some
shots of our 'disabled' gerbil (as you so
eloquently put it). I really hope that the
shots don't disappoint anyone now."
http://www.fotoblur.com/images/380269
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Beasts Of War Challenge
Last week we wanted you to celebrate the
Beasts of War.
Your favourites included:
* DENCH: Bond thwarts the Russians armed
with no more than a Walther PPK and a
non-arthropod invertebrate (Ian Woosnam)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10719861
* HOMEBASE: DIY pigeons, attack attack
attack (Ian Woosnam, again)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10718945
* EXPLOSION: terrifyingly armoured elephant
takes on the enemy (smearballs)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10721747
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/warbeasts/
>> New challenge: Trademarks <<
Hollywood bigwigs are making The Hobbit
pub in Southampton change its name, in
case people think Peter Jackson is
running it. So this week's challenge is
to infringe a trademark satirically,
through the medium of photoshop.
Challenge suggested by benito vaselini
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/trademarks/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* SO YOU THINK YOU'RE FUNNY EMAIL OF THE WEEK -
nickbeddows writes, "I got a leaflet through
the door yesterday, with a photo of a cat on
it. The flyer said, 'Help, I'm Sophie and I may
be trapped in your garage or outbuilding.
Please check and call Margaret on 07770 xxx xxx
if you see me' Awww, a poor lil puddy
tat... Then I thought, hang on, if it can read,
write, type, has a PA, a mobile phone and can
operate a colour printer, it can find its own
way out of a bloody garage."
* I'VE MET MR MINGE! - Anon writes, "Now,
working in the oil and gas industry for nearly
20 years I've actually met Mr Minge. He
pronounces his surname as Min-Jay rather than
the normal minge. A few years ago he was
appointed as the big boss man of a certain
business unit in the north sea for BP. On an
offshore visit to one of the installations he
wanted to enter a confined space work area to
see what was going on. I won't bore you with
the details of the near-Naziesque safety regime
offshore but one of the requirements for this
is to register your entry into the space with a
sentry. This day the sentry was one of your
salt of the earth North east/south shields
tells it like he sees it guys. So, the big
boss, surrounded by a nervous bunch of
management and hangers on gives his name. Spell
it, says the sentry. M-I-N-G-E says the boss.
'What!' says the sentry, 'Fucking Minge? You're
fucking joking ain't ye?' Cue red faces amongst
the management and complete bewilderment from
the man. Mind you, this is also a guy who, when
first being appointed as the manager of the
unit, introduced himself to the assembled
masses by saying, and I quote, 'as I was saying
to my mother whilst in the hot tub the other
day...'"
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* MAKE A QR CODE - that links to Goatse - print
it on a sticker - then stick it on every advert
poster in the world.
* FACEBOOK EGOMANIA - A browser app that
replaces every FB post with "LOOK AT ME!" Font
size determined by frequency of posts. (via
@Sigmaus)
* TOAST THAT STAYS HOT - all the way to the
bottom of the cup.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Cyber chums: [email protected]
Utter cunts: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @Matt_Muir,
will.vickers, @shitoptimist, @edwardrussia,
@Lee_Nolan, Pauljmoorhouse, billyh, @fredgruff,
@TomWhitwell, @thesaharadesert, Palookaville.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Tips via robneymcplum.
Subjlols via
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TOP TIP:
Scare people by buying a few bunches of cheap
flowers, leaving them near a tree on a popular
country path with cards saying 'I hope they
catch the THING that did this to you' and '4eva
in are hartz' etc...
