NEWSLETTER: "GAY BUSES SPREAD HGV VIRUS CLAIM CHRISTIANS"
This Week:
* ENNUI - The travails of Henri le chat
* GOATSE - but the good kind
* FRIDAY 13TH - Mentioned only three times
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're slapping our
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | tummies and going
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| wobble wobble wobble"
B3ta email 524 - 13th April 2012
Read this in PKZIP format on Windows 3.1:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue524
Win : [email protected]
UnWin : [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Dog, Arse, Eyes & Egg.
>> Bad Ass Dog <<
"Recently we made a cat video that did quite
well," explains Ornsack. "Now we've made a dog
video so we can see which animal is the best
once and for all!" Say, that's a bad ass dog!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bad_Ass_Dog
>> Arsebishop <<
"I spent my rainy Easter weekend creating a
little game," laments Bagpuss. "Hopefully you
will have whole seconds of pleasure from it."
Can you tell the difference between a bishop
and a hairy man-arse, as the game tries its
damnedest to stitch you up every time?
http://arsebishop.com
>> Wall of Sheep's eyes <<
That's long-time b3tan Sheep's eyes, of course.
"It's a sort-of-animation, but also
sort-of-interactive thing," he explains. "Oh,
and it's a bit sinister. Thanks to Cadavre
Exquis for coding help."
http://sheepfilms.co.uk/interact/eyes.htm
>> Alien: The Easter Edition <<
Alien's pretty much a gift for Easter; you've
got the eggs and the, uh, the fourth film is
called Resurrection and, um. Anyway, "I've made
an Easter-themed parody of Alien," writes
Cap'n, who has really pulled out the stops for
this. "Arguably NSFW, if your work doesn't like
chocolately gore."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Alien_The_Easter_Edition
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: HAPPY FRIDAY THE 13TH
Just the fax ma'am
* ITALY - Friday the 17th is considered unlucky
to our Roman cousins - even once renaming a
popular Hollywood film, "Shriek – Do You Have
Something to Do on Friday the 17th"
* GREECE - Whereas the Greeks get the
heebie-jeebies about Tuesday the 13th.
* THE RAP COMMUNITY - Tupac was pronounced dead
on September 13, 1996. If he'd lived he'd now
be 41 and rapping about the importance of using
ISAs to save and where to move to get his
kids into a good school.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Terrified!
We wanted your moments of utter terror, glued
to the spot, pants filled with poo:
http://b3ta.com/questions/terrified/
* AT LEAST HE DIDN'T MENTION STAR WARS - "I'm a
journalist interviewing Temuera Morrison, the
actor who played Jake The Muss in Once Were
Warriors; arguably the scariest character to
grace the silver screen. So I've spent a day on
set watching Morrison work, chatting away when
we could and being thoroughly charmed by
someone who's not only professional but a
lovely guy. At the end I thanked him for his
time and confessed I'd been somewhat worried
about the interview having watched Once Were
Warriors at the weekend as part of my research.
"Why?" he asked. "Because you were so bloody
frightening as Jake..." and in a heartbeat,
Morrison's entire demeanor changed. He went
livid with rage, veins popped out on his
forehead and he leaned across the table until
he was about two inches from my face and
snarled: "What. The. FUCK! Do you mean by
that!!!" I couldn't speak, I couldn't move, I
just sat there thinking, "This is how I die."
Then Morrison sat back with a huge grin on his
face and said: "See that? That's called
acting!" Give that man an Oscar... and give me
a new pair of pants." (difficultchild)
* RUN - "I was once walking home at night
behind a woman. She started walking faster in
that 'trying not to look like you're walking
fast' way. I picked up my speed a bit, too. She
then started walking even faster and so did I.
Then she broke into a gentle jog, and when I
did as well she went into an all-out sprint. By
that time we were only about 200 metres from my
house, but when I got home I was out of breath
and sweating. To this day I don't know what we
were running from. (Ghoti Fingers)
* NEPHRECTOMY - "As a young, uncircumcised boy
with perhaps one pubic hair, I remember being
told about wanking and having a little fumbling
fiddle in bed that night. Problem was that I'd
always had a rather tight foreskin and after a
few minutes my foreskin retracted for the first
time and out popped my never-seen-before bell
end. I thought I'd broken my penis - to my
terrified young mind, my kidney had found its
way out of my body. I cried myself to sleep
convinced God was punishing this little
Catholic for his sins." (emadex)
>> This Week - Twattery <<
It's just an excuse to get you to tell us about
people that get on your tits again, but, still,
twats:
http://b3ta.com/questions/twattery/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Vandalised Daily Telegraph <<
Proper lols from the Tippex-spattered front
pages of Britain's second-favourite right-wing
broadsheet. "Giant tit poster inside!"
http://www.dailytorygraph.com/
>> Toilet paper Old Masters <<
This lady whiles away long plane journeys by
locking herself in the lavatory and pretending
to be a 16th Century Dutch painting. Guess it
beats Solo Mile High Club frequent flyer points.
http://bit.ly/sOWZLJ
>> Amazing 1k Javascript <<
The coding equivalent of contortionism, as
designers try to fit something excellent into
just 1k of data. Check out the romantic
javascript sunset!
http://t.co/ujG0oXjN
>> The man behind goatse <<
Or rather the man in front of goatse, or
rather... eh. Anyway, Gawker tracks down the
man whose gaping ass haunted your mid-2000s web
nightmares. SFW, although anything you click on
subsequently probably won't be.
http://gaw.kr/HxxcsG
>> The Brian Sewell soundboard! <<
The supremely plummy-voiced fine art curmudgeon
now does the bidding of your very own fingers!
What would you have him say??
http://bit.ly/dzL7fS
>> Txts from a dog <<
A dog and his owner communicate mainly via
texting each other - funnier than it sounds!
http://textsfromdog.tumblr.com
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Imagine if telly cost £40 a month and only the
people who own the transmitters get paid.
* HOW THE BLIND USE AN iPHONE - Surprisingly
effective and we're planing to poke our own
eyes out so we can try this interface too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* EXISTENTIAL CAT - despair, angst, absurdity,
alienation, and bits of string. Oh the life of
Henri le chat.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Henri_a_lennui
* IF FACEBOOK WERE INVENTED IN THE 90s - some
nice retro stylings here. A series that could
run and run. Apply the same formula to YouPorn
- lol it's a 2 hour wait to d/l an animated gif
of Pamela Anderson for more formulaic lols.
http://bit.ly/IDlUkD
* ADVERT VOICE OVER HUMOUR - re-voicing ads is
comedy 101. People should do more of it.
http://bit.ly/ItRke2
* ULTRA-SLOW KATE BUSH WUTHERING HEIGHTS -
delightful way to spend 36 minutes should you
be waiting to come up on LSD. You can
appreciate every note of her famous melody.
http://bit.ly/J5YJLY
* CATS ARE CUNTS - and if you ever needed proof:
http://bit.ly/Iy3YKl
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Still not funny. Don't read it.
* HOSPITAL 'LOLS' - Check out the name of the
hospital this guy was taken to.
http://bit.ly/HhdccK
* PORTMANTEAU - With the gas-heating /
gash-eating URL lols we think our faves are:
1. http://www.progasheating.co.uk/
2. http://www.welshgasheating.co.uk/
3. http://www.northerngasheating.com/
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: THE METAFILTER FAT TEST
'Renoroc Penile/Podiatry Visual Test'
A good test for a man is to look down while
taking a shower:
If you can see your penis and your feet without
sucking in your gut, you are healthy
If you can't see your penis, you are overweight
If you can't see your feet, you are obese.
We can't see our feet over our penis.
http://bit.ly/HZOv1R
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: FRIDAY GAME
Lots of variations on Pong
Possibly our favourite is Epilepsy Pong which
makes the screen flash horribly. If they ever
make V2 our ideas include:
A. SCREAMING PONG - like pong but with the
sounds of screams.
B. YOU'RE PONG NOW - You play the ball and not
the bat.
C. PONG FOR EUROPE - With vaguely UKIPy Terry
Wogan commentary.
http://www.pippinbarr.com/games/pongs/Pongs.html
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Skeletons Challenge
Last week we wanted you to celebrate bones.
Your favourites included:
* GOATSE - from back when shock sites were
single images and not video. Those were the
days, my internet friends. (polished turd)
http://b3ta.com/board/10735363
* ORVILLE THE DUCK - FACT: also tours as an
adult show called 'Duck Off' (kung-fu womble)
http://b3ta.com/board/10735428
* STATUS QUO - so-named after Francis Rossi
flicked through a dictionary. Lucky they
weren't called Dinosaur. Or Plinth. Or Clogs.
(Little Animal Disaster)
http://b3ta.com/board/10735904
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/Skeletons/
>> New challenge: New Hoax <<
We've all seen Shark vs Helicopter and know it
isn't real, so it's about time there were some
new hoax photos on the web.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/Hoax/popular/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* B3TA GOATSE - Best of B3ta's alternative
Olympic logos, used without irony by Newmarket
Town Council.
http://i.imgur.com/vvqku.jpg
* FURTIVE BED - pleased to see our classic
donation icon still inspires. Yay for Smash
Monkey for producing this. Hopefully it won't
get too spunky.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10742112
* JOEL DOES YET ANOTHER CRUSHER AD - and they
say jobs for life disappeared with the
deindustrialisation of the UK and the mass
privatisations of public companies.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Crusha_Breakdancing_Kitt...
* BIG BABIES RIP - Marts writes, "Sadly Big
Babies was told it was to be no more yesterday.
New commissioners etc. But thanks to those who
digged it on here. We are a tad gutted as we
thought we were finally onto something. But
hey. We are trying to go out with a bang."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/BBC_Big_Babies_RIP
* MOVIE DEAL FOR JARED EARLE - he writes,
"Me and my pals have got a movie deal for
our 20-year-old RPG, SLA Industries."
http://nightfall.co/368/sla-industries-news.html
* THINGU IS NOW CLAYCAT'S THING - "I got into
legal trouble from the Pingu people," admits
leehardcastle, creator of the gory claymation
Thing parody. "I had take down the original
video and then remake it again with a cat. So,
am planning to do a series of these as THINGU
did so well."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Claycats_THE_THING
* CRAP TANK Mk II - "As people here have been
so nice, I thought i'd pop up my latest Crap
Tank video in the hope that it raises a smile
or two," beams JamHamster. The eponymous
remote-controlled war machine is now properly
menacing and has a turret-mounted BB gun.
http://bit.ly/IldlZn
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* A GUIDE TO ALL MEDIA - author John Lanchester
suggests that The Economist is a fascinating
read as long as you skip the bit in every story
that says "and the solution is the free
market". He's utterly right - any other
genuinely insightful tips to detoxify bias in
media?
* A BUILT-IN LIGHT FOR THE KINDLE - insane that
one has to be bought separately making the
whole device bulkier and more awkward. They
could make the rim smaller too and call it the
slightly punning, "Kindle Light".
* E-INK COVERS FOR KINDLES / IPHONES - we miss
books having covers that broadcast what you are
reading to other people on the Tube etc. Please
fix this, oh capitalist overlords.
(As you can see, we've been reading a lot of
Kindle this week. Or the Amazon Swindle as
Richard Stallman calls it. Our favourite thing
is to grab the free 14 days subs to magazines /
newspapers, then remember to cancel before we're
charged.)
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Friends: [email protected]
Bastards: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @WightHot, WiL,
Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver, Pig Traverse,
AudioToast, NJtoTX, CopyBeard, iamdrdee, chulk607,
Harry Webshiter, @andysith.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
We <3 Matt Round
Top Tip via (username failed moderation)
Subjlols via benito vaselini.
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TOP TIP:
MEN: Are you a tit man, or an arse man? In
Sainsburys, if you're an arse man, start off on
the far left, as most shoppers do, and follow
along the aisles in order to stare at arses.
If you're a tit man, start off in the second
aisle; other shoppers will always be walking
towards you.
WOMEN: Do your shopping online.
