NEWSLETTER: "PRINT IT OUT! WIPE YOUR ARSE ON IT!"
This Week:
* OLYMPICS - Shoot the protesters game
* THE RAID - Claymation bloodbath
* REPUBLICAN BUTTPLUGS - Sexed-up figures
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're buying 1 share
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | in Facebook...
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| together"
B3ta email 529 - 18 May 2012
Read this issue wearing sexy knickers:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue529
Kisses : [email protected]
Pisses : [email protected]
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
>> Olympics missile defender <<
"Would a game where the Olympic mascots fire
rooftop missiles at protests be a bad idea?"
asks Tom Scott. "Oh. Well, I made one anyway."
Defend the Olympics, foil terrorist plots.
http://www.tomscott.com/olympics/
>> Claycat's THE RAID <<
"Claycation, am i right?" queries
leehardcastle, inexplicably. We haven't seen
the film this is based on but, crikey, it's a
bloody, ultra-violent treat!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Claycats_THE_RAID
>> iPad beatbox app thing <<
"This is my big bedroom project of the year so
far," confesses karls. "Your inner
electro-monkey may become extremely
titillated. Please tell your friends who might
like it. I really want this to be my job!"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Victorian_era_beatbox_ap...
>> Shrimp <<
"Time to get old-school!" yells Weebl,
wheeling out an infectious glockenspiel.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Shrimp
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Shops and Supermarkets
We asked for your shop tales from either
side of the counter. There's a lot of stinking,
pissy customers out there:
http://b3ta.com/questions/shopsandsupermarkets/
* BRIANS - "I've delivered to many
supermarkets and the back door staff usually
contain the same two guys, Brian and Darren.
They don't work the floor for reasons that
will become clear. Brian is the big lad; very
strong, very tall and very, very slow. But
wouldn't hurt a fly. Darren is the opposite.
Scrawny and foulmouthed, he lives to bark
orders at the Brian and act the cunt. One
glorious day, I saw a Brian retaliate. Darren
was snarling his usual, "Get a move on, you
fat, useless bastard" But Brians only have one
speed, in case they lose count of their feet.
Darren shouted, "You'd move quicker if yer Mum
wanted fucking." Brian picked him up and
shoved him head first into the refuse chute -
the chute with a one-way flap that led to a
skip with no exit. I told Brian's disciplinary
hearing quite a lot of lies, and he kept his
job." (all my scars face forward)
* CLINGFILM - "About 20 years ago, I was
working in a fairly nondescript pub, situated
on a busy road with very few walk-in clients.
The owner dreamed up a sure-fire strategy to
boost punters: employ naked women. He arranged
for two "hot chicks" to arrive at 3 o'clock
each day, get naked and wander around behind
the bar. The male staff were to wear formal
attire to complete the transformation into an
upmarket masturbatoriam. It was shit. There
was a building site next door and, as
predicted, once word had got out about the
"naked chick pub" every afternoon we'd be full
of pissed up, slathering labourers. Then the
Health Authorities got wind and told the owner
he had to cover up the girls, as presumably
there was a risk of a badly-wiped arse or evil
minge-vapours infecting the beer. Not wanting
to lose his hard gained hordes of sad
masturbators, he wrapped the girls in...
clingfilm. Now, a shapely woman in a
tight-fitting dress looks magnificent, with a
degree of mystery from the exciting bits being
covered up. A woman wrapped in clingfilm just
looks plain fucking weird. Everything gets
squashed and grossly distorted. Especially the
pubes. Imagine a big black spider squashed
beneath a pane of glass. Worse was that
clingfilm doesn't breathe, so there was a lot
of misting, sweating and body odour. Business
dropped off as the display of squished flesh
was too much even for the most hardened
drinker. I left not long after, cured of any
desire to ever enter a strip club." (Ken Oath)
* ONLINE - "I'd used the Tesco website a
couple of times before, and I don't know
exactly how it happened - some computer
glitch, or, more likely, my brain spazzed and
thought I'd got everything for the week.
Whatever - the next day my allotted time came,
the delivery van arrived and I opened the door
not to a small tower of those plastic boxes,
but a grinning driver holding a small paper
bag. The bag contained one single, solitary,
mushroom. I'm sure somebody had gone out of
their way to find the single finest specimen
as it was absolutely perfect, proportioned,
shaped, not a blemish on it. Just not enough
to make a spag bol though." (real)
>> This Week - Sex Toys <<
In which we discover why there are no
batteries in the telly remote. Tell us what
you use to get yourself off:
http://b3ta.com/questions/sextoys/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Design your own custom doll <<
Like the character customisation screen on any
number of computer games, except that the end
result is you get mailed a slightly
spooky-looking little doll. Did we say doll?
We meant action figure.
http://makie.me/
>> "Blow Job Portraits" <<
Don't worry, it's entirely safe for work.
Photographer lines up volunteers and snaps
headshots while they are blasted with
compressed air. Some hilarious (and slightly
disgusting) expressions on show.
http://bit.ly/JMAfLV
>> How Yahoo murdered Flickr <<
Scathing analysis of just how badly the
internet giant dropped the ball, when it
acquired then-hot photo-sharing site Flickr.
They coulda been a Facebook, damnit!
http://gizmo.do/L3tC4t
>> Hand-carved tyres <<
Remarkably intricate works of art, to adorn
the wheels of the super-rich.
http://www.wimdelvoye.be/tyres.php
>> Endless Nic Cage gifs <<
If you find Nicholas Cage to be watchable then
you are in for a treat. Anyone else? Sheer
madness.
http://gifolas-cage.tumblr.com/archive
>> Sorry Stewart Lee - we love you <<
Stewart Lee has been googling for nasty
comments about himself and sticking them on
his site. Three made by b3tans on /links.
http://www.stewartlee.co.uk/online_critiques.htm
>> 25 words that don't exist in English. <<
Handy list of words that express concepts we
don't have in English. Now, if you'll excuse
us, we've been struck with litost.
http://bit.ly/IhHLwP
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
The web is now a shitty telly. Yay
>> Make a controller from anything <<
MaKey MaKey is a Kickstarter project for an
"invention kit". Basically, it lets you make a
computer interface from pretty much anything.
Our favourite was 'Banana Piano'.
http://kck.st/IT93rz
>> Grand Old Party buttplugs <<
Fun with data visualisation - voter approval
ratings for each of the Republican
presidential candidates, produced as a range
of handy buttplugs. The Santorum looks like
it would get medieval on your ass.
http://mepler.com/Grand-Old-Party
>> European borders over the last 1,000 years <<
The shifting patterns of Europe's countries
over the last millennium. Watch the Mongol
Horde advance on Europe, see Germany come out
of nowhere and get huge, gasp as France
surrenders etc. etc.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Pub dog <<
Gently charming animation about a dog in a
pub, in a slightly 'Simon's Cat' style.
http://bit.ly/JoM0nW
>> Dad & kids remake 'Sabotage' <<
The Beastie Boys' awesome Sabotage video
remade by a father and his kids, just mucking
about. Better than it sounds.
http://bit.ly/Kov4PT
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Frauline minge
The top two German URLs that almost look like
rude words for lady bits.
http://www.gunt.de/
http://autohaus-cuntz.de/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Camels Challenge
Last week we asked you to salute the
camel.
Your favourites included:
* MUSICAL: they dance, they sing, they win the
image challenge (Clueless Egg Cunt)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10765451
* CLUNGE: DIY solution to age-old lady-problem
(Captn Hood-Butter)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10765775
* CANCER: magnificent, cigar-quaffing ship of
the desert animation (The Twisted Omentum)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10766122
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/camels/
>> New challenge: Heaven <<
We pride ourselves on answering the Big
Questions here at b3ta, and this week's
challenge is to answer one of the very
biggest: what does Heaven look like?
http://b3ta.com/challenge/heaven/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* B3TA ART AUCTION - Happy Toast writes, "Just
wanted to say cheers to whoever was behind the
gaz system. I gave it a pretty strenuous
testing over the weekend sending messages back
and forth between the auction winners and
artists without the slightest hiccup. We've
raised about £1,300 with a few bits yet to come
in, plus the follow-on live auction at the
London bash still to go. So, all in all, lovely
generous b3tards all round. All money donated
to The Cats Survival Trust where Nina the b3ta
snow leopard lives."
* INTERVIEW WITH ASHENS - your favourite B3tan
who's made a career about of reviewing
electronic tat on YouTube has done an
interview with Reddit.
http://t.co/RkpleMc2
* LOTS OF FOLLOWERS FOR BANKSY - old-school
B3tan @Toastmaster who made the Banksy twitter
account has now got lots of followers thanks
to you. Nearly 5,000 of the buggers.
https://twitter.com/#!/BanksyIdeas
* B3TA PHOTOSHOPS COME TRUE - Mystery Bob
writes, "Nearly 10 years ago, I made this
picture for B3ta (and got my second ever
frontpage.. woo). Just recently I was given
this as a gift... I wonder what stuff popping
up on the board today will be available for
real in 10 years' time. I really hope it's not
any of Cyriak's stuff."
http://b3ta.com/board/392646
http://amzn.to/JcpcgB
* YOUR OWN DAN BULL SONG - "I'm selling a
customised song on eBay," reveals rapmeister
Dan Bull. ('rapmeister' is what the kids call
it, right?) "I'll write & record a track about
anything you want!" Carve yourselves off a
little piece of history.
http://t.co/IyGuX2Np
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* LEVESON LOLS - tom.kimble asks, "I wonder
if, in the style of 'I'm not here to Make
Friends' or the 'Like' mash-up from 'When
Fearne met Peaches', one of your b3tans might
be able create a video combining all of the
instances in the Leveson enquiry when News
International employees were unable to recall
things."
* A TUMBLR OF THE LOWEST-QUALITY
HIGHEST-PRICED PROPERTY IN THE UK - we'll
start you off with this lovely place; a snip
at £175k
http://bit.ly/J5FRib
* SNOT AS SEASONING - if your snot is anything
like ours it's pretty damn salty. Ideal for
flavouring soup or pasta.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Sex piss: [email protected]
Dog piss: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by jms,
HappyToast, Abercadabra, ‏@kingjaynl,
@matlock, ‏@RobBoella, Tab Hunter,
UltimateMonkey, adfsingh, atomicstate Image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
QOTW bloke. Top tip via Pope Shax IX
Subjlols via @mathmif.
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TOP TIP:
Convince friends that you have a cat by shitting
and puking on the carpet and shredding furniture
with a Stanley knife.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/
