NEWSLETTER: "BUY $38 B3TA SHARES HERE. SORRY, $28."
This Week:
* SEX TOYS - Your filthy answers to our questions
* GAME - Utterly addictive minimalist RPG
* SLOW MO - iPhone does 60fps, who knew?
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shaving the yak
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | ... together"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|
B3ta email 530 - 25 May 2012
Read this issue pretending to be Welsh:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue530
Friends : [email protected]
Haters : [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Things, stuff & nonsense
>> 'Keep Calm' posters must stop <<
Wildyles writes, "I have been collecting all
the terrible 'Keep Calm' things. I hope to lock
them in a box and save us all." Personally we
don't think people should keep calm, they
should do things that, if we were to mention
them, would probably land us in jail.
http://keepcalmmuststop.tumblr.com/
>> Social Media Revolution (parody) <<
"I made this with Will Rolls of @madeupstats
and thepoke.co.uk", writes iain1968, "It's a
sideways swipe at all those stats that make
Facebook seem so important!" Lovely stats and
wonderful presentation even if it's financed by
our bitter rivals thepoke (we plan to drink
wine from their hollowed out skulls).
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Social_Media_Revolution_...
>> Sheep! VS CCTV <<
Funny old thing Sheep getting a German TV deal,
We can't quite bring ourselves to use the Max X
name. Reminds us of when MTV insisted on
calling Jonti Picking's stuff Wobble & Bob.
Still, an amusing sketch about the sinister
forces working in our urban environments. You
should watch Ben Wheatley's Tesco one directly
afterwards and feel as paranoid as tin foil.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Max_CCTV
>> London in slow motion <<
Tallroo writes, "Inspired by Trey Ratcliff's
'Stuck in Motion' technique, shooting on an
iPhone 4S at 60 frames per seconds using an app
called SloPro." We're mainly mentioning this
because we didn't know the iPhone could do slow
motion filming. This is new and exciting
information. Use it.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/London_in_slow_motion
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: LONDON B3TA BASH
This Sat, Earls Court
Riverghost writes, "Saturday is London Bash
day. This year looks like it'll be a huge turn
out. Things kick off at 5pm in the upstairs bar
at O'Neill's - Earls Court. There'll be some
food laid on, bawwoon hanimal bawwoons to make
willy hats out of and the bash auction later
on. All welcome."
http://b3ta.com/calendar/event/23598
BTW: Riverghost also says, "If you could
include that we should be getting a
tweet/bellow from Brian Blessed about the Bash
& Auction at about 4pm today."
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: STUFF SENT TO US VIA THE ROYAL MAIL
Real things from B3tans. Not just .gif's
Not quite sure why, but two real things turned
up in the post from B3tans: a book and an LP.
* HOW TO BUILD A ROBOT (WITH YOUR DAD) - sent
through by the author Aubery Smith. And a very
good concept for a book it is too.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/184317878...
* C64 TUNES ON VINYL LP - if you ever wanted
Ben Daglish, Martin Galway & Rob Hubbard on
your turntable now is your chance. The official
B3ta wife asked what we were playing - she
thought it was a bit 'acid housey'. Thanks to
Chris Abbott for both compiling the record and
sending us a copy.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B006Z908J...
BTW: Speaking of C64s - this Commodore Keytar
is a thing of wonder. And the woman playing it
could probably have per pick of nerdy 40
something guys. Which is what all women want,
obviously, Mel Gibson was wrong.
http://bit.ly/LhuPtl
If you want to post us stuff then please do,
get in touch and we'll give you a mailing
address, although we draw the line at human
excrement. Animal excrement, fine, clearly.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: BRILLIANT GREETING CARDS TO MAKE YOU SMILE
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What you didn't notice our first ad? Blimey,
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Sex Toys
We wanted stories of Sex Toys. Not one mention
of a Buzz Lightyear shaped dildo. Go read the
funny answers to K.W.A's story of her man with
a stump:
http://b3ta.com/questions/sextoys/
* NUTS - "Many moons ago, I thought it'd be a
laugh to make a wax candle / dildo in the
shape of my cock, and send it to my ex
girlfriend. Remind her exactly what she was
missing. At the time I hadn't heard of dental
alginate, so I set about making a mould out of
plaster. How clever am I, I thought, because
when the erection goes down, it will shrink and
I'll be left with a perfect cast. I cut a hole
in a plastic tub and positioned it at poking
height. In with the body parts and in with the
plaster. Problem 1: Plaster of Paris takes
about 20 minutes to cure, and it's pretty tough
to maintain a hands-free erection for that
long. Problem 2: it gets pretty hot while it
cures. But eventually it hardened enough to
remove the cast. Only to find problem 3: my
pubes had formed a rigid matrix in the plaster.
I'd re-invented fibreglass. Now I'm standing in
my room, naked, with 2kg of rock firmly
attached to my tenderest parts. After trying
everything I could I eventually realised that
I'd have to rip the damn thing off by brute
force. Luckily nobody heard the agonised primal
screams and protracted sobbing that accompanied
my DIY velcro experience. I ended up with a
far-from-impressive candle - like a tea-light
left in a hot car - but on the plus side, I did
gain a beautifully waxed scrotum." (moon monkey)
* LOADED - "Back in the early 1990s I worked in
public health research. I was also a regular
clubber. One night at a club in Glasgow, I met
Ken. I was only 23 and still a little naive -
despite working in the HIV field. Ken was the
first out-and-proud gay man I'd ever met. He'd
appear on the dance floor then suddenly
disappear for ten minutes. After this happened
a couple of times, I asked him where he'd been.
'Out on the fire escape giving some guy a
blow job.' I was slightly shocked but curious:
the nerd researcher in me felt compelled to
ask, 'Do you practise safe sex?' 'Oh God no,
the riskier the better, if I can get away with
it.' I asked him what was the unsafest sex he'd
ever had. He paused to think. Now, I was
expecting a ten-man bareback orgy, or an
outdoor encounter with a good chance of being
caught, so I was rather taken aback by his
actual response, 'It would have to be that time
I had a loaded double-barrelled shotgun shoved
up my arse.'" (ThisCaledonianClown)
* SEXCALIBER - "My missus asked me to buy her a
vibrator, and always wanting to encourage any
interest in sex, I agreed. I went to a sex shop
in Notting Hill, and lacking further
instruction I picked out a medium-large purple
rubbery one. Returning home, she was
disappointed: I'd failed to understand that for
something to be called a vibrator, it had to
vibrate. What I'd bought was a dildo. I tried
to return it, but sensibly they don't accept
returns on sex toys. Though I'm sure there's a
market somewhere for used dildos, I forked out
for a shiny chrome vibrator with variable
speed. The unwanted purple dildo I tried
putting in the hand of statue of a bloke on a
horse in Hyde Park, but the climb was too
difficult and I'd attracted onlookers and I
bottled it. So I ended up tossing it in the
Serpentine, where it awaits to this day, ready
to rise erect, cupped in a ghostly hand for the
rightful King of the Realm." (cumquat may)
>> This Week - Down on the Farm <<
Have you ever been chased from a field by a
shotgun-wielding maniac? Ever removed city
arseholes from your field whilst innocently
carrying a shotgun? Tell us your farm stories:
http://b3ta.com/questions/downonthefarm/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Depressed copy writer <<
Defacing adverts is joyful, why is that?
Possibly because ads are a one way
communication. The advert is the corporate
talking to you and saying "spend money" -
scribbling on them and posting them online is
a way to make it a two way conversation. Well,
a conversation that goes, "Buy something!"
"No, fuck off!"
http://www.depressedcopywriter.com/
>> Gifs + Sound <<
YTMND made gifs + sound loops famous but when
someone has had a good idea: why not do it
again? And grab the sounds from easily
available youtube videos? Neat idea. Link goes
to the everywhere-this-week 'slinky on a
treadmill' thing but with music by the now
sadly 2/3rds dead Bee Gees. You can do better.
http://bit.ly/LySR2j
>> Sites we should have done #55 <<
As we regularly feature crap Amazon products
and trollish reviews in this very newsletter,
we've occasionally wondered about spinning off
such nonsense onto its own site. But of course
we're too lazy and someone else has got there
first. Still, you'll enjoy it.
http://theworstthingsforsale.com/
>> HTML5 spinny thing <<
We predict some porn site will remake this with
tits and it'll get a bazillion hits. We also
predict that our predictions are often wrong.
http://jonlax.com/
>> Check if your credit card is stolen <<
Ha, no - don't type your credit card number
into strange sites just because B3ta says so.
A nice warning produced by the Anti-Phishing
Working Group - you might want to pass this
on to your mum / dad.
http://ismycreditcardstolen.com/
>> Calming manatee <<
Reassuring words from a manatee - the wise cow
of the sea. We've just looked them up on
Wikipedia and they're roughly as intelligent as
dolphins and loads of them get killed by
commercial shipping. What a world.
http://calmingmanatee.com
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: MONEY OFF NEWSLETTER
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http://www.awin1.com/awclick.php
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like TV but no licence needed. Huzzah.
>> New Skrillex track <<
Skrillex (according to Wikipedia) makes
Dubstep, Brostep, electro house, Moombahton,
glitch, post-hardcore & metalcore music. Here's
a sneak preview of his new song.
http://bit.ly/K4eU1r
>> Facial optical illusion <<
Keep your eyes on the cross and watch how the
Hollywood stars faces deform via the 'flashed
face distortion effect'.
http://mbthompson.com/research/
>> Rick Astley backwards <<
While looking up how / why the famous Rick Roll
video had been snatched by a dubious copyright
takedown this week, we found this reversed
version with interpreted lyrics. Old, but fits
of laughter.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Culinary Propaganda with Bartek <<
Mary Epworth writes, "Have you watched these
yet? I keep trying to make you feature Bartek."
Hmm. No, we hadn't watched these very strange
cooking videos but we will take the opportunity
to pre-plug Mary's music. Look up Saddle Song &
Black Doe on Youtube. Wonderful songs. Her
album is out soon and we'll have to remember to
give that a proper plug.
http://www.youtube.com/user/culinarypropaganda/vid...
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: FRIDAY GAME
Minimalist RPG for your Friday gaming pleasure
We spent a good hour on this game last night
and wasted much of the time we should have been
researching the B3ta newsletter. So lo-fi you
might dismiss it but if you do engage with it -
gosh crazily addictive. Make sure you press the
button to turn the Japanese into English and
fuck it, we want to finish writing this damn
newsletter so we can have another go. Seriously
- are there any iOS games like this?
http://nekogames.jp/g.html
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Heaven Challenge
Last week we wanted you to picture Heaven
Your favourites included:
* CARLISLE: delicious fish-based pun action
from former Go-Go (VicBrown)
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/heaven/
* MEATBALLS: rare peak at Flying Spaghetti
Monster-based utopia (c@bbage)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10770928
* STUFF: vision of the afterlife that is
exactly 674% awesome
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10770572
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/heaven/
>> New challenge: Explosions <<
This week's challenge is to celebrate the
magnificence of explosions. So photoshop them.
Or cause them. And photoshop the results. PS:
don't cause them.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/explosions/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* ROBERT DE NIRO SALAD - Mike Tapia pleads, "I
had a dream recently that desperately needs
realising. Basically a friend of mine had
started up a website called Saladdeniro.com
which involved pictures of Robert de Niro being
edited to incorporate salad. EG, smoking a
cigar that's been replaced with celery or
wearing a lettuce leaf hat. It was REALLY
popular and remains one of the most vivid
dreams I've ever had. It NEEDS to happen!"
Hopefully someone can help.
* YO YO YO LAURYN HILL SUPERCUT - Bela Lugosi's
Dad asks, "Can someone stitch together all the
times Lauryn Hill goes 'yo' on her Miseducation
album. Halfway into 'Ex-Factor', I gave up and
started cutting again."
* A MAGIC VERSION OF YOUTUBE THAT PLAYED THINGS
BACKWARDS - who has time to fiddle with video
editing software when you want to worship Satan?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Great people: [email protected]
Utter twats: [email protected]
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: B3TA ADVERTISING
Thanks to Mark Williams & Jim Brough for
sponsoring this newsletter. If you wish to be
like them - good people who'll probably go to
heaven - then you too should sponsor the B3ta
newsletter.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel without
David Stevenson who has gone on holiday. Stuff
sent in by @TomDavenport, @mattround,
@TheNessaNator, ‏@davelee, meepmeep &
Mr.Aaaarrrggghhh! Image challenge by Fraser
Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Top tip via
sittingduck. Special thanks to MATT ROUND.
Subjlols via Emvee Stark.
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TOP TIP:
Alfresco chess players! Playing chess outside a
pub does not make you look like an intellectual
bohemian. It makes you look like a cunt.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/
