NEWSLETTER: "FOR FUCK'S SAKE MA'AM, SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT"
This Week:
* JUBILEE CASSETTEBOY - if you can find it
* MICROSOFT CLIPPY - on every website!
* WINEHOUSE DEATH HOUSE - your chance to buy
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're selling B3ta for
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | £83m. (the m stands
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| for mallards)"
B3ta email 531 - 1st June 2012
Read this issue after inhaling helium.
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue531
Thankers : [email protected]
Wankers : [email protected]
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: SOLAR PANELS DEAL
(Sponsored link)
Want 70% off solar panels to reduce your
carbon footprint? What about £700 per year tax
free money off the Government? Then get a
quote for your area:
http://goo.gl/sxtwf
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
>> Is Jeremy Hunt hiding from Twitter? <<
Tom Scott and Your Ginger Fuhrer have made a a
site that monitors if someone is hiding from
twitter - because @jeremy_hunt hasn't posted
on Twitter since the 23rd of April. Oh Jerry -
won't you come back to Twitter? We miss your
sweet tweets.
http://www.aretheyhidingfromtwitter.com/#jeremy_hunt
>> Banned Cassetteboy Royal Video <<
Released earlier this week and nixed by a
paranoid BBC that doesn't want to be seen
doing anything to upset Her Majesty, else
her government might send them all to the
Tower. Watch it quickly, if you find a copy,
as they've been swatting the re-uploads
like flies.
http://bit.ly/KDWvZB
>> Giant Robo-Protector <<
"This is a game I made for the Ludum Dare 48
hour game competition," explains yanmania. Play
as a giant robot to protect your little friends
from the bad things from space. Try not to
crush them all with your hulking boots of lead.
http://www.yanmania.com/comments/my_little_friends...
>> Tourette's Dice <<
"I've been having fun with my layzor and
thought I should show you," brags Duke
Euphoria. "Roll these puppies on your favorite
flat surface anytime you feel the need to
express yourself through the medium of random
profanity. Part of the reason I'm posting this
is to gauge whether there's serious enough
demand to make it worth making them available
to buy." What do you reckon? Perfect Mother's
Day gift or what?
http://bit.ly/JyxOtp
>> Puppy Supper <<
"An enthusiastic puppy wants his food," intones
Bewley, in the style of Game of Thrones' Jaqen
H'gar. This is a lovely little animation about
an overenthusiastic doggy.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Supper
>> Portable Musical Mishaps <<
Sheep! continues his peculiar German TV series
with this rumination on the perils of "the
miniaturisation of portable music devices".
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Portable_Music
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Down on the Farm
We wanted your farm stories. It seems a lot
of you have deep memories of the 1970s public
safety film 'Apaches' in which five children
brutally die over 26 minutes. Nice:
http://b3ta.com/questions/downonthefarm/
* SLED - "Ross-on-Wye, winter, lots of snow.
Mr. Farmer and I have fed the hanimals, there's
not much else to do, so... a competition to
build the fasted sled that'll carry us both.
Mr. Farmer gets all serious with a very pretty
timber sled on runners. He's quite the
craftsman. I'm not. I go for timber pallet
nailed to a sheet of corrugated iron clubbed
till one end curls up in the air. We drag
them up the steepest field, Mr. Farmer making
derisive comments about my sled's aesthetics.
His fancy-boy sled is up first, him in the
driving seat and me on the back. We shove off.
Nothing. The skinny runners sink in even with
only one person aboard. He sulks. No worries,
let's hop on mine! I jump on the pallet, Mr.
Farmer behind and FUCKING WHOOOSH, we are very
quickly sliding down the slope with very little
control or vision. The front slaps the snow
throwing up a blinding snow cloud. As we near
the bottom of the slope and I realise we have
no way to stop, Mr. Farmer screams something
incomprehensible in my ear. I feel the sled
lighten and he bails, tumbling down the slope
behind me. I turn and call him a big poof just
as the previously unseen single strand of
barbed wire catches me fair across the chest.
Fucking. Ouch. Apparently I resembled a pole-
axed teddy bear, arms and legs forward, cheeks
puffed out in a big OOF. Couldn't drink the
beer I won for a few days, hurt to raise my
arms. And I had to wait two days for Mr. Farmer
to stop laughing."
(Ken Oath)
* BACON - "Out walking with my wife after she'd
recently given birth, we arrived at the back of
a farm. Over the fence we could see a huge pig
and my wife, ever the animal-lover, beckoned it
over to stroke it. Except she totally under-
estimated the size of her new breasts and one
of them touches the fence. The electric fence.
The current went through her boob, down her arm
and directly into the pig's nose. The pig screamed
a scream I never want to hear again and ran off.
It was hilarious."
(atdotslash)
* TRIP - "As a trainee teacher I got to help take
some 5/6 year-olds to a farm. The next day in
class we asked them about the trip, stuff like
"What's a baby sheep called?" "Where does a cow
live?" Right at the end, just before playtime,
the teacher asked, "What sounds did we hear
yesterday?" There was a cacophony of moos, baas,
quacks and barks until one little voice piped up
with, "GET OFF THAT FUCKING TRACTOR!"
(Official Sarc)
>> This Week - War <<
From handbags at dawn to dawn raids in Helmand,
tell us your stories of conflict, fighting and
not getting on well with people with guns:
http://b3ta.com/questions/war/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Add Microsoft Clippy to your website <<
Fans of Word.exe will remember the shitty
Clippy thing that would pop up and say, "Looks
like you are writing a suicide note - shall I
change the font to comic sans?" and now you
can bring this joy to all your websites.
http://www.smore.com/clippy-js
>> Questionable Doctor Who Fan art <<
Rotten fan art is always worth a quick lol. We
once started making a quiz based upon crap
drawings of bands found on Google. Best pic?
En Vogue with lady-cocks. Didn't stick it live
in the end as we were worried we'd upset some
14 year-olds who drew this stuff.
http://derptorwho.tumblr.com/
>> Buy Amy Winehouse's death place <<
Got a spare £2.7m? Buy the house Amy Winehouse
died in. Can you imagine the twits who'll be
pretending to be rich to have a look round?
Fans, journalists - they'll need security to
stop people stealing the doorknobs to flog
on eBay. Still, nice pad, ideal for our
'murder buy-to-lets' business plan where we
buy up nasty houses famous for death and
rent them out night-by-night to goths and
mentals.
http://bit.ly/LLzKCR
>> 360° view from the Shard <<
Everyone loves The Shard. It's like a huge
pyramid in Central London. After the
Apocalypse people will look on it and wonder
which Pharaoh is buried beneath. Today why not
just admire the view of London, a place which
Boris Johnson calls "the Rome of the
globalised world."
http://www.the-shard.com/views/360.html
>> Banksy art as real people <<
The best thing about Banksy is that he's
largely kept his anonymity. Yes there's been
photos in the press saying it's this guy or
that guy, but we're 100% certain he can sit in
his local Costa Coffee and not get a second
glance. Must be pretty cool to have a secret
like that - "Hee hee, I'm banksy," he must
giggle, and then his pee-pee gets hard.
http://bit.ly/MVBHOO
>> Most Powerful Photographs Ever <<
Pretend you're still human and can briefly have
emotions before clicking onto the next photo.
http://bit.ly/JAAQBZ
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Sticking the Rudolf Hess in VHS
>> Best beatbox interview ever <<
Some German bloke interviews beatbox legend
Beardyman and it's rather amusing. BTW:
Beardyman once visited B3ta HQ back in, ooh,
2006? He bought fried chicken from the local
place that isn't KFC but looks a bit like KFC
and ate it in our office. For more exciting
celebrity stories like these, subscribe to
our newsletter.
http://bit.ly/Km4qfb
>> Sort of amusing Anti-royal song <<
Mostly amusing by being OTT childishly rude.
Enjoy your Jubilee. Woo-hoo time off work -
but so many of us are freelance / contracts
etc that this is utterly meaningless these
days. NSFW audio. Make sure you set it as
someone's homepage to really fuck them off.
http://bit.ly/J8W6LF
>> Bang-bang shoot hamster dead <<
They say never work with children or animals.
Who says that? Only people who write shitty
links for TV clips shows.
http://bit.ly/JQfVHS
>> Play the new Countdown game <<
Your job - should you ever watch Countdown -
is to pronounce the nonsense anagrams as the
letters are drawn. Or take up heroin.
Whichever really.
http://bit.ly/L3shyt
>> Mad person singing about cats <<
Videos like this give us hope there's a place
for us still on the internet when we lose our
looks. (We know you read the newsletter for
its occasional glimpses of the handsome staff)
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Not funny or resembling a corner since 1978
Chafing means "skin irritation from rubbing or
sweat" so calling a beetle a "cockchafer" is
downright rude:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cockchafer
Although, considering how inventive sailors get
at sea, the HMS Cockchafer is more logically
named:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HMS_Cockchafer
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: AMAZON TAT
Rotten reviews, shit products & more
* SINISTER OLYMPIC TAT - It's the reviews that
make this bit of junk special.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B005HP1UH...
* HAUNTED VAGINA BOOK - hopefully dripping with
ectojizm.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/097624988...
* TOM WATSON DIAL M FOR MURDOCH ON KINDLE - OK
this isn't tat and if you've been addicted to
Leveson you really need to read Tom's excellent
book.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B007V5BYI...
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Cute kitten
@Joetree offers "the photo diary of the cutest
kitten in the known universe".
http://www.blipfoto.com/entry/2023338
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Explosions Challenge
Last week we wanted you to blow stuff up
Your favourites included:
* BOOM! gracefully-animated nuclear
explosion beauty (herman:D)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10774482
* BANG! old-skool gaming detonation
splendour footage (Hitler's Barber)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10774474
* BOFF! spectacular caterpillar dietary
error blast (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10775041
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/explosions/
>> New challenge: The Other Perspective <<
This week's challenge is to show iconic
moments in TV, Film and History as seen
from the other guy's perspective.
Challenge suggested by Skotzmun.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/perspective/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* MR WORMSLEY'S CHRISTMAS - TRAILER "Hi dude!"
squeals Joel Veitch. "I've finally got Wormsley
delivered, and whacked the trailer up innit!
wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" The
animated crab-epic will be hitting your Sky
Atlantic screens this Christmas, which may be
THE MOST AWESOME NEWS YOU HEAR ALL YEAR.
http://bit.ly/K2rKsH
* B3TA ART AUCTION MAKES MONEY FOR CHARITY -
Happytoast writes, "the final tally for this
year's Art Auction is £2300. We raised almost
£1800 on the online part and then a further
£500 at the weekend's London bash. I think it's
safe to say a top time was had by all. I'll
get a photo of me handing a cheque over to the
Cat Survival Trust as soon as I can get down
there. If you want to see photos of the London
bash, there are some in the Flickr group." http://www.flickr.com/groups/b3tabashes/
* C64 AUDIO FOR BETTER VALUE - last week we
bigged-up the Commodore 64 Album compiled by
Chris Abbott who writes, "Might be a bit
late, but could you change the URL in the
newsletter? It's a lot better deal than Amazon
since you get immediately downloadable FLACs
on ordering..." Oh, OK then, just for you.
http://www.c64audio.com/productInfo.php
* SUPERCALIFRAGILISTIC CAMBODIA - "I've been
involved in something positive!" exclaims
DefyingDarwin. "It's some Cambodian kids trying
to say supercali....you know. So maybe have a
watch, hopefully it will bring some more
sunshine to your days. Look at me - I'm
becoming a hippy!" Adorable bit of charity
mugging.
http://bit.ly/LQZIkp
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* WEETABIX AS CEMENT - scraping milk-dried
Weetabix off the kitchen table we noted, "this
stuff is like cement." Can someone try using it
to keep a wall up? Does it work?
* BOOKS THAT COME WITH FREE E-BOOK COPY - it's
insulting to have to buy the same content
twice. Sort it out, publishers & Amazon.
* A SWIMMING POOL FULL OF OLIVE OIL - could you
swim in it? Would you want to?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Sex trumpets: [email protected]
Backstabbers: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by that cock stirling,
matt round, Jimbotfu, @RichardOsley, Fluffster,
sinisterduck, UHMUHRAKA!, awsm!, @jivameuk,
@simonindelicate, @tanepiper. Image challenge
by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via Bela Lugosi's Dad. Top tip nicked
from @reddit.
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TOP TIP:
Amazing mind hack. Lean your head back and
pretend to shake a salt cellar into your mouth.
You can actually taste it!
