NEWSLETTER: "FOREIGN? TRYING TO QUIT SMOKING? YOU'RE A TERRORIST"
This Week:
* B3TAN RECIPIES - Some of them almost eatable
* TIEBREAKER - Win a wheel with 10 tongues
* SONG - Phone Rage
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're typing words and
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | hoping they're good
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| enough... together"
B3ta email 536 - 6th July 2012
Upload this issue to your brainCloud:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue536
Thumbs up : [email protected]
Thumbs brown : [email protected]
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: NEWSLETTER TIEBREAKER COMPO: Win a Sqweel 2
A masturbatory aid with 10 tongues!
This is one of the odder promos that's come up
for B3ta. Normally it's T-shirts but we thought
the er... curious nature of this product might
amuse. Or even excite.
Lovehoney are a site that sells adult toys.
They've just launched The Squeel 2 - which is
a basically a wheel that's covered in 10 or
so rubber tongues.
Anyway. We have 3 to give away. Complete the
tiebreaker, "I'd like to use a Squeel 2 to..."
http://b3ta.com/board/10801901
Or read about the Sqweel 2 on the Lovehoney site.
(Page it links to is sort of safe for work, if
rubber tongues are safe for work - there's no
nudey stuff anyway.)
http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
>> Phone Rage <<
"I really hate phones!" bellows Rob Manuel,
b3ta supremo. "Who makes calls these days?
The only people who ring me are giving me
bad news! Me, @superpowerless and
@Peepholecircus have made part three of our
Trapped in Technology rock opera."
http://robmanuel.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/phone-rage...
>> No Friends <<
"A Friends intro for those who don't have any,"
explains CaptainTrain. Poignant.
http://bit.ly/NHz3ao
>> City Trader FTW <<
BIG FACE has a BBC sketch show pilot. "The
original taster tape was made in a cupboard
with fellow b3tan Sheep. I wanted it to have
a home-made b3ta tone and I achieved this by
wanking and screaming in the dark whilst
writing and directing it and you can see
it (a clip, I mean) here:"
http://bit.ly/OnPuNL
The full thing here:
http://bbc.in/LURU7W
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: SPONSORED LINK
The Dictator's Handbook: a Practical Manual
Think you can handle the ultimate power? This
book will show you the way: 13 easy steps to
being the world's next tyrant, with 14
illustrations by HappyToast.
-- 'This book sucks. I want my money back.'
-- Moammar Khadaffi
-- 'Total crap. I already know all this.'
-- Kim Jong Il
http://dictatorshandbook.net
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
The B3ta Cookbook
Last week we asked for your recipes, cooking
tips and favourite ingredients... ah, who are we
kidding. We asked for stories about shit food
that screwed your digestive tract:
http://b3ta.com/questions/cookbook
* FIRE IN THE HOLE! - "I rather foolishly once
allowed my old housemate to cook for me one night
before a festival. As far as I can tell his
recipe was as follows: take pack of shitty, cheap
mince; add most of a container of chili powder,
one chopped white onion, a tin of cheap tomatoes,
kidney beans and cumin; throw into a saucepan and
cook over fierce heat until the bottom smoulders
and welds itself to the pan. Serve to friend who's
about to spend 4 days in a field with terrifying
portaloos. I managed 1/3 of a bowl before my eyelids
were sweating so fiercely I couldn't see. I ran
for a pot of Greek yoghurt. Nothing. Tried fresh
fruit, banana, chocolate, milk - nothing would
extinguish the flames. But this was only the start.
Seriously, my arsehole was like a fucking oxyacetylene
lance for three days. Forget shit through the eye
of a needle, I could have melted the needle and the
hand holding it. All this in the confines of a
portaloo in thirty-degree heat. I'm sweating, tears
in my eyes, clutching a woefully-inadequate amount
of cheap, scratchy, festival toilet paper, with Mount
fucking Vesuvius blasting clods of molten magma out
of my jacksie like a goddamn Gatling cannon loaded
with mace. I've never forgiven him: anything he ever
cooks again, I treat with the same distrust I'd
give a hole in an Afghan road covered with
corrugated iron." (UppityDamnPrimate)
* MAGIC RECIPE - "Ingredients: Long grass, garlic,
basil, pine nuts, olive oil. Thresh the grass and
throw the seeds away. Put the stalks in a low oven
to dry them thoroughly. While that's happening,
crush the garlic, chop the basil and pine nuts,
put them in a jar with the olive oil, screw down
the lid and shake well. Take the grass out of the
oven and arrange on a serving plate. Drizzle over
the sauce. And ... Hay Pesto!" (ubergeekian)
* WOOING - "MEN: How to woo your future wife:
1) Invite object of affection over for dinner.
Remove flatmates and porn. 2) Assemble fresh pasta,
salmon fillets, white wine, cream, garlic, lemon
juice, fresh parsley. 3) Cook pasta. Bake salmon.
4) Add white wine to saucepan and reduce by half.
Add cream, garlic and lemon juice, salt & pepper,
then flake the salmon fillets and stir through.
5) Mix with pasta, garnish with parsley and serve.
6) Consume with several bottles of New Zealand
Sauvignon Blanc, while modestly denying that you
are in fact the greatest chef who has ever lived.
7) Make no attempt whatsoever to fend off future
wife, who is by this point making growling noises
and dry-humping the couch.
WOMEN: How to woo your future husband: 1) Invite
object of affection to local inn or hostelry.
Consume own weight in Dry Blackthorn. 2) Stumble
home 'refreshed' with equally unsteady companion.
Pause briefly to urinate in council grit bin.
3) Once home, open freezer and extract: 700ml
bottle own brand vodka, 48 pack own brand fish
fingers. 4) Grill entire box until charcoal on
one side frozen on other. Lubricate process with
vodka. 5) Consume entire pile of fish fingers like
biblical plague of locusts in complete silence.
6) Retire to boudoir, leaving grill on. Attempt
bestial congress. Lose consciousness...
I bloody love that woman." (Monkey Tennis)
>> This Week - Cunning Plans <<
Ever come up with a cunning plan for something?
Did it work? What went wrong? Do you look back
through the filter of the years with a burning
sense of shame? Tell us, do:
http://b3ta.com/questions/cunningplans/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> NTK returns <<
"Hey B3ta it's @FakeDaveGreen," writes Dave
Green, of 90s internet newsletter colossus
Need To Know. "As you've probably seen, Danny
has brought back NTK... *exactly* as everyone
remembers."
http://www.tinyletter.com/annontk
>> Drawsum <<
Draw what you like on a wall that the internet
can look at. Yes, the whole world is now the
partition between cubicles in the gents toilet
of Watford Gap services in 1989.
http://www.drawsum.com
>> Idiots' credit cards on Twitter <<
Astounding foolishness, as Twitter numbskulls
post photos of their credit cards on Twitter
without even the decency of an Instagram
filter to cover their modesty.
https://twitter.com/needadebitcard
>> Find 'women in the mood' <<
Slightly creepy - an auto-stalk function that
finds people on Twitter & Facebook, jabbering
on about how daring they are for reading 50
Shades of Grey.
http://whoisreading50shadesofgrey.com/
>> The 'real' UK citizenship test. <<
Could you live in the UK? Questions that test
your knowledge of the actual, useless crap
that fills your head in modern Britain.
http://realcitizenshiptest.co.uk/quiz.php
>> American patriotism fantasy art <<
Renowned figures from US history, kicking ass
in the most epic fashion imaginable. We
particularly like Ben Franklin vs. Zeus, and
JFK on his robot moon-unicorn (moonicorn).
http://imgur.com/a/r15rj
>> Saturday morning faces <<
When you were a kid, Saturday morning was for
watching cartoons. Now it's for watching
cartoons and being hungover. Here's the face
of the morning after the night before.
http://sobotarano.blogspot.com/
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: AMAZON TAT
Oh the mental shit they sell
* WINE GLASS HOLDER NECKLACE - because you need
both hands to, I dunno, hide your face in
shame for using it? Best reviews, "With freedom
with my arms, I can even hug my parents who
threatened disownment for drinking so much!"
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000W43HF...
* NICK HUMBY PHOTO JIGSAW - enjoyable mostly for
the playing along pretend-baffled reviews:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B002113DS...
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Redefining funny to its antonym since 2001
@beaubodor writes, "Domain name for newsletter.
British Military Fitness or is it for the the
lovely ladies of British Milf IT?"
http://www.britmilfit.com
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like TV with a more uncomfortable seat
>> Chatbots chat <<
The awkward conversations of the impending
future, as artificial intelligences make
nonsensical smalltalk and bicker meaninglessly.
The top one is our fave, as we like to think
UK Siri is really Gadget Show's Jason Bradbury.
http://www.cleverbot.com/cleverthem
>> A Conversation With My 12-Year-Old Self <<
In 1992, Jeremiah McDonald recorded a video
with a message for his future self. Twenty
years on, the grizzled and cynical film-maker
he's become talks with the enthusiastic child
he used to be. Refreshingly unsentimental.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Redubbed Barclays ad <<
One of those annoying arch Barclays ads, with
a more topical voiceover. Contains swears and
rightly so.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Redubbed_Barclays_ad
>> Moby Michael Stipe Song <<
Adam Buxton sings a song of speccy slapheads.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Moby_Song
>> I Put A Spell On You - lip sync <<
Mostly an excuse to listen again to Screamin'
Jay Hawkins' memorably unhinged theme tune,
but there are some serious mime skills on
display. Like watching an owl regurgitate a
pellet, in a musically menacing fashion.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/I_put_a_spell_on_you_lip...
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Double the trouble in this internet bubble
>> My Little Friends game <<
"You are a giant robot," insists Yanmania.
"Protect your little friends or just stamp on
them all, is up to you."
http://www.yanmania.com/comments/my_little_friends...
>> Grey Bloke on computer games <<
"A short video about video gaming," informs
somegreybloke. It's funny because it's true.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_short_video_about_vide...
>> Milkman <<
"We don't need any milk do we?" beams cherubic
Joel Veitch. "Yes. Yes we do." Fraught with
Veitchian menace.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Milkman
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Invention Challenge
Last week we wanted you to picture famous
inventions as if they'd been devised by
alternative inventors
Your favourites included:
* MOGGY: the internet's famed feline
quadrocopter as envisaged early doors
by Renaissance polymath (1.618...)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10795438
* FATTY: conveyor belt burger contraption
from jump-suited king of rock'n'roll
(E Dubya)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10798209
* DATA: storage devices from bobbins
Poppins cockney and blind jazzer (The
Silent Channel)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10799246
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/inventors/
>> New challenge: The Week In Pictures <<
Create something using only the pictures
found on BBC News Day In Pictures from
the day the image challenge is posted
onwards. Fresh hummus for each day of the
challenge, suggested by ferret
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/week-in-pictures/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* HOW BONE MARROW TRANSPLANTS CHANGE YOUR DNA -
The Unknown Anorak writes, "My missus had a
BMT about three years ago so I got to know
some of the ins and outs. She's now technically
a chimera, which means she has two distinct
sets of DNA. Most of it is her own, but her
bone marrow, blood and immune system is that
of her donor.
"So SandettieLVA is bang on the money and
there's no real point me sending you this,
other than as a thinly-veiled plea to plug
AnthonyNolan.org - they find bone marrow
donors for people who desperately need it
and they saved my wife's life. Bone marrow
extraction is all done with drugs and
centrifuges these days and doesn't hurt
like it used to. So if there's any way you
can squeeze in a mention and let the b3tans
know it's painless and risk-free, we'd really
appreciate it!" This is a register you
*should* get on:
http://www.anthonynolan.org/
* SHED 2012 WINNERS - unclewilco writes,
"I know how excited you b3tans are. Well bait
your breath no longer - the winner of the
best shed competition (2012) has been announced.
The woodhenge pub shed managed to beat off
tough competition and take the title of 'Shed
of the year'. John, the owner, has spent 4
years building his perfect hideaway, which
does a great job of storing his collection
of beer and cider."
http://bit.ly/KMQeam
* LOSING WEIGHT - leo writes, "I have no medical
qualifications but have lost over five stone
since November, which probably means I'm doing
stuff that works well for me, if not everyone.
I did it by cutting out the carbs: no bread,
pastry, potatoes, rice, pasta or sugary fruit
and the like. I also have a two-mile walk to
and from work each day.
"It should be noted that losing a dramatic
amount of weight is relatively expensive, as
it requires buying at least one new wardrobe
of clothes. You also asked for the age of
anyone writing to you. I am currently 38
but do not think this is a factor in the
weight loss."
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* THE BOOK OF LEFT-WING JOKES - an idle thought
this morning that lots of humour is based on
kicking down (poor, foreign, disabled) etc
and an alternative would be kicking up
(authority, business etc). Er.. What's the
difference between a bucket of shit and a
Tory? The bucket. Which the Tories have
part-privatised through PFI and it'll cost
you £15billion by 2028. Bleh.
* CALORIES ON BOOZE PACKAGING - how come this
info is stuck on most things you can buy,
but not the "roast dinner in a bottle" that
is a bottle of wine?
* AN OFF-BUTTON FOR LOUISE MENSCH - or a least
a Chrome plug-in that makes her disappear
from the Internet.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Sexy people : [email protected]
Smelly people : [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by StaHi,‏@PigB0dine,
@JeremiahMc, Dick Wonder, AlbertTatlock,
Herman Blume, @jingies, @LeeRedders, @TomDavenport,
pissflaps, technocore, sue.ryder, smellymoo.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
is QOTW bloke. Top tips via A Vagabond.
Subjlols via Smallbrainfield.
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TOP TIP:
TV executives - stuck for programme ideas? Why
not get a pretty girl to present some of her
favourite, mediocre recipes, in an enthusiastic,
slightly patronising manner?
