NEWSLETTER: "LIKE TWO FRIED EMBASSIES"
This Week:
* KICKSTARTER - iControl 2 - please donate!
* CYRIAK - Makes music video
* FINANCIAL CRISIS - Trivialised in GIF format
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving our poos in
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | buckets because they're
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| too good to waste"
B3ta email 546 - 14 Sept 2012
(5 years ago today? Northern Rock bank run)
Read this issue with a mouth full of penis:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue546
Untwats : [email protected]
Twats : [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK (AMAZON TAT)
Car Seat Desk
A PC desk that you can fit to your car. Worth
it for the last image on the right.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0014BYKVO/...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than making sweet, sweet love
>> Donate to iControlpad project <<
Long term B3tan and GP32 importer Craig
Rothwell has a plan. He's making an open-source
keyboard and joystick for the iPhone, iPad and
Android phones and tablets. He needs your help
by pledging a quid or two via Kickstarter. Go
on, help him out. Or, if you can't donate
directly, make sure you tell people about it.
Vid on Kickstarter contains Craig's lovely wife,
if that persuades you to have a nose?
http://kck.st/PpPyKw
>> Dull news in local newspapers <<
Poor old newspapers still need to fill pages,
even when there's nothing interesting going on.
"If you like your news dull," murmurs
Scaryduck, "I guarantee this site will MAKE YOU
SOIL YOUR TROUSERS! MARVEL at toasters catching
fire, grass actually growing and other
EXCITEMENTS."
http://dniln.blogspot.co.uk/
>> This Glorious Monster <<
"Hey hey," emotes loego. "A few weeks back we
started a new sketch thing, called This
Glorious Monster. This is the first of four
little films we made. Hope you enjoy."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/This_Glorious_Monster
>> Greybloke knows how is babby formed <<
"This one is suitable for your kids," boasts
somegreybloke. Well... sort of suitable.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Good_morning_b3ta:3
>> Project Sausage Drone - Sausage Drop! <<
"I've finally got stage 2 of the sausage drone
project completed!" trills tow-headed tyke Joel
Veitch. Thus follows a parade of charmingly
violent failure. Will he finally achieve the
ability to air-drop sausages with parachutes?
Only one way to find out. Two, really, if you
count just straight-up asking the guy.
http://bit.ly/PpPBGn
>> Cyriak leaves & twigs <<
It's once again the season when Cyriak builds a
luxurious nest in which to incubate his eggs.
Also, "I've made a video for a band called El
Ten Eleven. It's not as horrible as my usual
stuff but don't let that put you off!" he
gleefully scribbles.
http://bit.ly/PpPHxP
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Worst Person For The Job
Mass unemployment? Check. And yet these people
still have a job:
http://b3ta.com/questions/worstpersonforthejob/
* GEESE - "Christmas time was a-coming and the
geese on the farm were getting fat. There
weren't many, perhaps fifty or so, and they'd
been rounded up into a barn to be dealt with.
The farmer briefed Gavin on his role, "The
whatdoyoucallit is leant up 'gainst the side
wall." Meaning the broom handle: to kill a
goose you lay the neck on the ground, put the
broom handle across, stand on it and pull to
break the neck. Gavin returned after not a very
long time. "That was quick Gav, how'd you get
it done so fast?" "Well, I haven't quite tidied
up yet, thought I'd wait 'til it's calmed down
a bit in there." "Calmed down? What do y..."
Farmer looked up from what he was doing and saw
Gavin stood there. He immediately ran to the
barn. There was the broom handle, still leant
against the wall. Leant up against the other
wall was a very bloody... scythe. It was
carnage, total carnage. Fucking blood
everywhere with still twitching, violently
fluttering headless corpses all over the barn."
(oneinthepink)
* SPEELCHECK - "A friend was applying for a job
position, and so had written a covering letter.
Not being the world's best speller, the result
was a swathe of red squiggles, which he fixed
by accepting the spell checker's default
suggestion every time. This proved somewhat
unwise, as he ended up submitting an
application letter that opened: "Dear Mr Smith,
I am appalling for the job of..."
(FiftyThreeEleven)
* SHEEP - "A couple of friends and I went out
for a day in Dorset, where there are quite a
lot of sheep - hundreds, in fact - and they run
about freely with no fear of humans. Bad news
for one friend. On seeing the sheep running
towards him, he ran in the opposite direction,
emitting shrieks of terror, all the way back to
the car and wouldn't come out. Of course, we
took the piss out of him and still do too. His
job? Animator on Shaun the Sheep." (Dr Skagra)
>> This Week - B3TA MOST HAUNTED <<
Ghosts, ghoulies, unexplained bumps in the
night? Don your internet night-vision-effect
filter and tell us when you were last scared
by the unexplained:
http://b3ta.com/questions/mosthaunted/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> The US financial crisis solved GIF format <<
Impressive stuff, even though we couldn't
actually follow the argument, because of all
the happy, dancing Tom Haverfords and Game of
Thrones characters.
http://read.bi/PpPJph
>> Livetweeted acid trip <<
Genial hippy tweets us through his
drug-filtered frat party barbecue.
http://storify.com/angelandaddict/brad-does-acid
>> Bad kids' books <<
Lols a-plenty, in collected covers from the
imaginary library of the world's worst
children's literature.
http://www.bobstaake.com/badchildrensbooks/
>> Disney/hip-hop megamix <<
It's a 77-minute, musical extravaganza, clearly
aiming for fans at both ends of the Boing Boing
nerd spectrum. Could that be you?
http://bit.ly/Sfg1Le
>> Arse or bishop? <<
Can you identify the obscured pictures, or are
you some sort of irreligious charlatan?
http://bit.ly/HQMmXi
>> Don't kill yourself <<
Comedian @ChrisGethard responds, in epic
fashion, to an anonymous fan, who asked if he'd
ever had suicidal thoughts.
http://bit.ly/PpPNoU
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
The LaserDisc you don't turn over every 30 mins
* EPIC BUS COMMERCIAL - Thatcher once said, "A
man who, beyond the age of 26, finds himself on
a bus, can count himself as a failure". This is
Denmark saying, "Fuck you, Mags!"
http://bit.ly/OuFzIW
* DIANA ROSS SINGS GRANDSTAND THEME - one of
those mash-ups that are popular with people who
think they are popular with the kids. Almost
doesn't work, but somehow does - which is the
essence of when these things are really
enjoyable.
http://youtu.be/RfvIkDYnNR4
* VAMPIRE DOG - Not a film you probably want to
see, but the trailer is pretty entertaining.
http://bit.ly/OuFDrY
* COLD WAR iPHONE UNBOXING - if you miss Cold
War Russia-is-shit propaganda then have we got
lols for you.
http://bit.ly/OuFHbj
* FAN-MADE DORITOS COMMERCIAL - Cunning, old
crisp company gets internet people to make
their ads for free but, hey, we got a giggle
out of it. But you shouldn't eat the crisps, as
they'll give you what the Guardian is calling
"diabetes type III" - their new fashion-forward
name for Alzheimer's.
http://youtu.be/r6lG2ule0_Q
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: FRIDAY GAME
I saw her standing there
Lovely indie game featuring romance, zombies
and rotten guitar playing.
http://armorgames.com/play/13213/i-saw-her-standin...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from kids' TV/slasher movie challenge
Last week, we asked you to make favourite kids'
films dark, despicable and violent. You did not
disappoint. Your favourites included:
* TOY STORY 4 - Pixar prove to be a bit cunty.
(HappyToast)
http://b3ta.com/board/10842481
* HENRY'S CAT: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER -
explains why we haven't seen Chris the Rabbit
on our screens recently. (EMV-1138)
http://b3ta.com/board/10842344
* MR LECTER - would quite like to see a few
more pages from this actually. (Barryheadwound)
http://b3ta.com/board/10842461
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/slasherkids/popular/
>> New challenge: What lies beneath <<
In a week where the corpse of Richard III was
discovered under a car-park in Leicestershire
(possibly), it seems timely to ponder what
interesting objects might find be found beneath
the surface of other places and things. And
then turn that pondering into an image
challenge.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/whatliesbeneath/popular/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include... ah fuck
it, let's make up some policies we'd actually like
to see, if we were in government.
* FREE PUBLIC TRANSPORT - if you could get
around this country without it costing a
fortune, it would take pressure off London
housing stock and it would make it easier to
live outside of town and work in town. And it
should be pink.
* FREE CHILDCARE - the number one reason why
women drop out of the labour market? Childcare
costs a fortune - often more than many jobs pay.
And the kids should be made to work treadmills
to create free electricity.
* HOW TO PAY FOR IT? - Actually tax the rich
properly. That's how it was done before and it
could be done again. Also, we should tax nipples.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Muckers: [email protected]
Fuckers: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by ‏@DFLamont,
@Matt_Muir, @wonky_donky, @Thomas_Newton,
@jamesmcgraw, Tab Hunter, weaver, Simon,
@HungryHatter, @andylewisuk, @riverghostery,
@nothingreal, @mr_nugent Image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Top tip by NoStrings. Subjlols via A Vagabond.
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TOP TIP:
Convince your friends and family that you are a
hedgehog by drinking milk and pooing yourself to
death.
