NEWSLETTER: "I'M A CHILD, GET THIS CELEBRITY OUT OF ME!"
* PANTS - for dogs
* CGI DIRE STRAITS GUY - what he did next
* GOATSE - send us a press release
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shaving the yak
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | ... together"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|
B3ta email 555 - 16 Nov 2012
Read this issue smeared in jam and petrol:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue555
Embrace : [email protected]
Starsailor : [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK - OK SOME AMAZON TAT
Pants for dogs
Myjm writes, "I came across this bonkers product
in Amazon's current deals. The product itself is
rather curious but it's the (currently) sole
review that puts a different complexion on
things!"
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0041O5F8...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Buy some ads you tight bastards so we don't have
to run Amazon tat in the prime slot. Thanks.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
>> Remade John Lewis Christmas ad <<
The new Christmas ads are out and, no matter how
lovely and heart-warming they are, you're going
to be so sick of 'em by mid-December. HappyToast
gets in there first:
http://bit.ly/UIQOjq
>> Catching up with the CGI guy from Dire Straits <<
You know the bloke, appeared in a rock video in
the mid-80s - whatever happened to him? "I wrote
this," confides somegreybloke, "and Faceburger
did all the hard work." A worthy collaboration.
http://bit.ly/SRqrSN
>> Algo-politicians <<
"I've made some algo-politicians, they're almost
as hateful as the real thing," explains
shardcore, whose automatically-generated windbag
politicians evoke a dread future time, when our
caring public servants are replaced with
heartless, unfeeling automatons.
http://shardcore.org/polibots/
>> Infiltrator - A flash game <<
"This is a little one level game I made
recently. Infiltrate the enemy base and steal
back the briefcase!" cries yanmania. "Featuring
stealth, cover based combat, stunning graphics,
realistic sound effects and more (*not much
more)." This makes us want to check out flixel -
the game engine used to produce this. Yan? Make
us a tutorial?
http://www.yanmania.com/games/infiltrator/
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Keeping us suicidal since 1979
* NOMINATIVE DETERMINISM TO THE MAX - what does
a chap called Jim Hall do with his life? He
becomes a P.E Teacher.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/140810996...
* PHALLIC LOGO / FUNNY NAME SUPERCOMBO - CaLFiN
writes, "I've never seen anything quite as
obvious as this before! It has everything apart
from being magenta... Plus it's called Fap Co?!"
http://www.fapco.ae/
* FLYING THE FLAG FOR ANAL ABUSE - perranspear
writes, "The flag for Torres Strait Islands
looks like Goatse. Maybe."
http://www.google.com/search
* ONLY IN AUSTRALIA - rob_399 writes, "There is
also this car dealer in Brisbane Australia that
might interest you."
http://www.mikehunt.com.au/
* COCK-FLAVOURED SEASONING - TriedItOnce writes,
"This doesn't really suit any of the boards, but
totally fits in the useless and funny stuff for
sale on Amazon you sometimes put in the
newsletter. Don't know what the wife was
actually searching for, I thought it probably
best if I didn't ask." Best review? "I bought
this last week and was expecting it to taste
like a penis but it tasted like a farmyard bird.
Poor show, Dunn's River."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00A2JH8Y...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Destruction, Demolition & Deconstruction
We wanted your stories of taking down, prying
apart and thumping things with lump hammers. Not
all go well:
http://b3ta.com/questions/deconstruction/
* TV - "We're rockstars right? And we find
ourselves, a bit drunk, with an old TV. We gotta
smash this thing up right? "We totally have to
throw it out a window!" When I say old TV, it
was a large, early widescreen that weighed a ton.
We drag it up the stairs, open the window, and
quickly realise it won't fit through. "Fuck.
Alright, well, we must have a hammer somewhere."
A lump hammer. Perfect. Step one, smash the
screen. Pow. Bang. Pop. Perfect. Step two,
DECIMATE. Hammer raised high, Dan brings the
weighty head down in a strong arc and connects
with well moulded Japanese plastic. Pang,
thud... and then the world seems to stop: he's
let go of the hammer, it spins effortlessly in
the air straight towards me, and cracks me right
between the eyes. Making a fucking great mess of
my nose, and a tiny dent in the TV. Rock and
roll 0, TV 1." (Windy Pig)
* CLICHÉ - "I was sorting the attic out and
carrying a large box of books from one pile to
another. So large a box that I couldn't see my
feet and, inevitably, missed the flooring,
plunging one foot down between the joists. Large
chunks of plaster, plus the collected dust and
debris of about 80 years, showered down into the
room below, closely followed by the random
contents of the boxes and jars I'd knocked over
and a stream of swearing. Naturally, because the
universe has a sense of humour, my wife's
mother, an elderly lady with a heart condition,
happened to be directly underneath at the time."
(moon monkey)
* PIANO - "My old school had a piano they wanted
rid of but they were too tight to pay for
someone to take it away. One afternoon they
rounded up some of the bigger students and
herded them into the room with the piano. 'Now
then lads, for legal reasons we can't actually
ask you to destroy this piano. Back in five
minutes.' ... Matchwood." (MatJ)
>> This Week - Ignored Advice <<
Tell us of the sage advice you've received over
the years and the horrible consequences of
blithely ignoring it, 'cos you know better:
http://b3ta.com/questions/ignoredadvice/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Windows 95 Dark Side Tips <<
Revealed: the secret tips & tricks to get the
most eldritch power from this unfathomably
ancient Operating System.
http://windows95tips.tumblr.com/
>> Ha Ha, Invisible man blow-jobs <<
Oh, stock photography, once again you come
through with the lols. SFW.
http://www.google.com/search
>> World's Best Dad <<
This guy must surely be the world's best father
- not only does he have the pictures, but also
the mug to prove it.
http://bit.ly/UIRoxw
>> 3-D Photo Booth <<
Japanese pop-up booth produces tiny, detailed
figurines via 3D printer. Idea for your 3D
passport.
http://bit.ly/UIRsxo
>> Live feed of Mitt Romney's likes <<
Fans of schadenfreude, check out the slow bleed
out of Mitt Romney's facebook likes. Which is a
bit of a strange phenomenon in itself - how many
people actually go to the trouble of unliking
something irrelevant?
http://disappearingromney.com/
>> The Infinite Jukebox <<
Lets you enjoy your favorite song for hours! Or
drive your neighbors and your cat crazy with
sixteen hours of mathematic pathways through
"Call Me Maybe". Clever use of echonest - the
programming language for music.
http://labs.echonest.com/Uploader/index.html
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like a 3hr VHS tape and postbox combined
>> 3D printing / real world objects <<
Fantastic special effects with everyday stuff,
by scanning its shape and making sculptural
objects that mould around but look freaking cool.
http://bit.ly/UIRyVH
>> Frankie Boyle attacks children <<
Controversial funnyman Boyle rips the absolute
piss out of two teenage boys, brought to his
show by their mum and dad. Made us squirm in our
seat.
http://bit.ly/SRr5Qh
>> James Bond crocodile jump <<
Amazing stunt footage of every single attempt at
the scene from Live & Let Die, where James Bond
crosses a lake, using crocodiles as stepping
stones. Particularly odd, considering how
unimpressive it looked in the actual film.
http://boingboing.net/2012/11/09/james-bond-every-...
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: PRESS RELEASE FROM GOATSE!
We're running this because fucking hell, a press
release from Goatse!
Goatse.cx writes, "Hi B3ta, Just letting you
know that Gawker has an article about a new
email service that is launching on the
internet's most notorious domain: goatse.cx.
Contact me if you want more details, or would
like to try it out or would like to do a story!
regards, Goatse.cx"
http://gaw.kr/UIRTaS
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: BONUS DEDICATION
Hans R. Camenzind for issue 555
Amish Information Systems writes, "Hi, Since
it's newsletter 555, how about dedicating it to
Hans R. Camenzind, who died recently. It would
make us electronics geeks very happy."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hans_R._Camenzind
BTW: We tried to follow why Hans is associated
with 555 - and it's to do with a chip called the
"555 timer IC" - about 1 billion of them are
used per year but our favourite reference was
this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atari_Punk_Console
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Science Challenge
Last week we wanted you to fix things
with science.
Your favourites included:
* CRUNCHY: unusual chemical approach to the
crisp-packet conundrum (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10877986
* NEWTON: a pivotal moment in the history of
physics, now with added Bisto (greg_evian)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10878024
* TRIBUTE: a scientific tribute to science, with
a twist (cutofyourjib)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10878150
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/science/
>> New challenge: Extreme Drug Taking <<
This week's task is to design extreme ways to
ingest drugs. Lets see some shotgun
paracetamolling, crystal meth paragliding and
cocaine bungee. Challenge suggested by
HappyToast, not sponsored by Red Bull.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/extreme-drugs/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* THE NAKED SCIENTISTS ARE BEING AXED BY BBC -
TheAlmightyBeev writes, "Apparently we're 'too
specialist' and 'not local enough'. We're not
happy about the decision, to put things mildly.
The BBC local radio audience are not served by
any high-quality science reporting outside our
show, and from January they will have none at
all. Here's a link to a quick and dirty post
explaining the story so far."
http://bit.ly/SRrnX8
* HEARING-IMPAIRED CHAP OPERATION FOLLOW UP -
"So I've had my operation", writes helmsdeep,
"I'm now a cyborg. It went well, but I feel a
little bit different now. I tried to get some
thoughts down as soon as possible afterwards
while it was all still fresh in my mind. I've
got a long and uncertain wait until switch on
now." Good luck chap!
http://wlmager.com/billy-2-0-failing-ugly/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* A ROLLBACK OF THE INTERNET TO 2001 - where
people weren't arrested for making jokes.
* WASHING MACHINE THAT HANGS OUT THE WASHING -
c'mon boffins, solve this and you'll be rich
beyond the dreams of Tory party donors.
* SOCKS THAT NEVER WEAR OUT - maybe they need to
be made of diamonds.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Join: [email protected]
Flee: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by HappyToast,
zacherynuk, Santtu Toivonen, tichy,
robneymcplum, Dawn Of The Bread, UltimateMonkey,
Bobod, mikehurl & tubaman. Image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via Ad7.
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TOP TIP:
Just worked out that, if you oven-cook sausages
on a layer of raw onion, sausages don't stick
to dish and you get tasty, cooked onions too.
