NEWSLETTER: "A VILE PRODUCT OF INTERNET CULTURE"
This Week:
* AMISH SEX PISTOLS - vs. Amish Bill Grundy
* VOYEURS - in 70s Tokyo
* REASONABLE DEBATE - on the internet!
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | for homeless spiders"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|
B3ta email 575 - 5 APR 2013
Read this issue whilst slurping a moon cup:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue575
Cake : [email protected]
Uncake : [email protected]
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: AMAZON TAT (sponsored linkage)
Junk and stupid reviews
* RUBBERBAND GUN - so cheap that we're going
to buy two:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00AXJFTK...
* SPAM COSTUME - there's part of us that thinks
this is only for dreadful unfunny cunts, but maybe
that's exactly what we are because we're
secretly quite amused by it.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000O0JQ3...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
EU, Guide Dogs, Pop, Cake and Islam
>> Live from EU Parliament <<
"That's what this is," claims Cap'n. "A totally
serious political debate. With character
animation and explosions by HappyToast! It has
fighting and man nipples. Woooo!"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/LIVE_FROM_EU_PARLIAMENT
>> Tony the happy sociopath <<
"I made a cartoon the other day about a happy
go lucky sociopath named Tony," informs mung.
"And as it features a little cameo from
long-time B3ta favourite Brian Blessed, I
thought I'd send it your way."
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> 30 Years of Now Music <<
@JoeScaramanga invites us to "Take a journey
through 30 years of Now! albums." Packed with
diverting showbiz trivia.
http://www.now-music.co.uk/
>> "Hello world" cake with chocolate sauce <<
"The recipe for this cake is also a functioning
computer program," writes madsporkmurderer.
"There's a programming language that exists
purely to make programs written in it look like
recipes. I wrote one that makes a proper cake,
then baked myself one to make sure it worked."
http://bit.ly/X74PqH
>> How to talk about Islam <<
Nothing to say about this one. Cheers
somegreybloke.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_talk_about_Islam
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Winging it
Last week we asked if you'd ever improvised
desperately to get by. And whether it worked:
http://b3ta.com/questions/wingingit/
* VIDEO ENGINEER - "Several years ago my wife,
two kids, some friends and their two kids were
happily sat on a Boeing 747 heading for some
sunshine and silliness in Orlando. We tried to
entertain/contain our excited offspring with
those little headrest screens but they would
play for a few seconds, freeze, then restart.
"At that time I was a 'TV engineer' which
meant I worked in a back-street repair shop.
Irked by my kids' complaints, I asked a
passing stewardess what was up. 'I am sorry
Sir but the system is playing up, we'll
hopefully get it resolved soon.' I don't know
why; it just fell out of my mouth: 'Well, I'm
a video engineer, I could have a look.' She
smiled and said nothing, but returned a few
minutes later, 'You're a video engineer? If
you wouldn't mind, I would be very grateful.'
What could I do? I grabbed my friend for moral
support.
"At the front of the plane, I was shown a bank
of 8mm video players, all stopping and
starting. 'They are controlled by this,' she
said and pointed at a small PC screen. I
logged in with her help but not a clue what to
do next. By now there were three crew watching
me. I was beginning to sweat when my friend
whispered in my ear, 'It's a computer: turn it
off and on again.' Brilliant! Log off, wait
for the screen to go blank then turn the big
red power switch, wait a moment, then back on
again.
"At this point the pilot rang and she said a
passenger was looking at the video system.
'Who do you work for Sir?' Erm.... 'Sony?' I
read off the video player logo. But I logged
back in, the players sprang to life and
worked! I returned to my seat a hero, to
rounds of applause from the passengers. We
were given two bottles of champagne as a
thank-you. Fixing a 747 in flight is something
for my CV."
(mrb36)
* PERL PROGRAMMER - "Out of the blue, a friend
working in California for an online music company,
called me up and offered me a month's work.
Consultant rates, free accommodation, San Francisco.
I think I left scorch marks on the doormat as I
headed for the airport.
"The only problem was that the job was
programming in Perl, a language I'd never
used, in fact never even seen. As a 'fire
fighter', brought in to save the project, I
would be expected to get stuck into the work
first thing on day one. No 'getting up to
speed' for me. So I bought a book on the way
to the airport, planning to spend the flight
cramming.
"As soon as we had reached cruising altitude,
I got out the thick book and turned to the
first chapter. Which was titled, with alarming
prescience, 'Perl from 37,000 feet'"
(moon monkey)
* CLOWN - "If anyone ever asks you to help them
out at a kids' party by dressing up as a clown
and entertaining the children, DO NOT DO IT.
Those little fuckers can smell the fear of a
first-timer and their favourite game is Let's
Twat The Clown. Started off winging it, ended
up legging it."
(Smash Monkey)
>> This Week - SURPRISE <<
Some people just don't like surprises, regardless
of the effort you've put in. Ever planned a
surprise and had it go horribly wrong (or even
spectacularly well)? Tell us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/surprise/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Park voyeurs in 1970s Tokyo <<
Creepy set of photos of the Japanese equivalent
of dogging. *Insert your own joke about the
Korean equivalent of dogging*
http://slate.me/XbcQLt
>> Casemod your cat with cardboard <<
If you've got a cat, a patient cat, here's an
idea for you to try this evening.
http://bit.ly/10yHBco
>> People Being Reasonable on the Internet <<
Timely reminder that internet discourse isn't
just twats shouting at each other.
http://funni.ly/X8VXkz
>> Robot-shaming <<
Along the same lines as pet-shaming -
interesting how these get more and more
scientifically nit-picky as they progress.
http://robotshaming.tumblr.com/
>> Distance to Mars <<
Clever, pixel-based illustration of just how
far Earth really is from the Red Planet.
http://www.distancetomars.com/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like cinema but with bring your own popcorn
‏
* BEARDED MAN MIMES CARLY RAE JEPSEN ON
CHATROULETTE - We've seen this guy before,
doing Lady Gaga, but the format is irresistible
- proving once again it's reaction shots that
make comedy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* AMERICAN PSYCHO RE-MADE WITH HUEY LEWIS
Brilliant spoof of Christian Bale's finest
role, although Huey could have done with
practising the moonwalking a few more times.
http://bit.ly/10wcP3K
* AMISH SEX PISTOLS - A sketch so lovingly made
it's not really comedy, but high art beamed in
from a parallel universe.
http://bit.ly/16wiQz9
* HOME VIDEO DVD COMMENTARY - Two brothers
doing a DVD-style commentary to their old
home movies.
http://youtu.be/kLElgnjVCpU
* MEN OFFLOADING CONCRETE PIPE FROM LORRY
You know exactly how this is going to play out,
but that doesn't stop it being funny.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* OLD FOOTAGE OF BOY GEORGE - presenting a new
recording to American record company boss, who
grovels unconvincingly in the office whilst
eating roast dinner. Anyone who's had any
contact with the music industry will watch this
with grim recognition.
http://t.co/fgm09gFb7t
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: FOLLOW FRIDAY
@TlfTravelAlerts
Example tweets include:
* Due to line managers not paying their monthly
tithes to the Rat King, there are delays on the
Jubilee line.
* Chaos on the Central line due to a maverick
train who plays by its own rules, dammit. It's
getting punctual results, though, so fair play.
* St Jame's's' Park station is temporarily
closed due to an abundance of apostrophe's's
https://twitter.com/TlfTravelAlerts
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the irrational science challenge
Last week we wanted you to celebrate bad science.
Our favourites included:
* PSYCHIC GOOGLE - search engines and cold
reading together at last. (Monkeon)
http://b3ta.com/board/10946526
* FACEBOOK DOCTOR - best not show the Government
this idea; it'll give them ideas to reduce NHS
funding even further. (happy toast)
http://b3ta.com/board/10945300
* HOW CHINESE MEDICINE WORKS - the reference to
dinosaurs makes this. (fatbouy)
http://b3ta.com/board/10945313
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/irrational-science/
>> New challenge: Pop Letters <<
This week's challenge is take to an artist, add
or remove a single letter, and 'shop the
results. Think Nine Inch Snails. Or Britney
Pears. Or Blurp. Challenge and lead image by
Dr.Dunno.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/pop-letters/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* SORRY TO SEE THEM GO - deadpidge writes,
"Sirs. Once again I must thank you for saving
me the weekly trouble of scouring the web for
the stuff that makes me think, cry, drink,
smoke, breathe and occasionally piss myself
laughing but more frequently just piss myself.
Unfortunately, now that I am unemployed, I fear
I can no longer afford my subscription and I
humbly request a full refund."
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* SEX
* MONEY
* POWER
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Cats: [email protected]
Twats: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @essers,
@TheMichaelMoran4m, @meat2veg, custard,
kevthedrummer, @therePaulPowers, ‏@andymalt,
JeremyBeadlesHands, ‏@gotimmy, Ken Putin
‏@thesaharadesert, @sarahditum46m,
and @SimonNRicketts.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Top tip via SonoraAeroClub.
Subjlols via chthonic.
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TOP TIP:
Make reference to a momentous yet tragic event
in 20th Century history by shouting "OH THE
HUMANITY!!" every time a balloon bursts.
