NEWSLETTER: "AMERICAN TV IS NOW MAKING BLACK PEOPLE SING FOR GAS?"
This Week:
* CAR CHASE - with MicroMachines
* CALL GIRLS - review analysis
* CHOCTOPUS - Joel's kitchen secrets
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Still ASCII after
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | all these years"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|
B3ta email 581 - 17 May 2013
Stick this in your cyber pipe & e-smoke it:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue581
Hitlers : [email protected]
Quitlers : [email protected]
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: AMAZON TAT (sponsored)
Su Pollard Phone Case
Baldychops writes, "Baldychops here again. Well
I'd like to say a big thanks for featuring my
Amazon wanking review in last week's
newsletter. I'd also like to give a big 'woo'
to all those who clicked that they found my
review helpful. In less than 72 hours I've
gone from reviewer ranking 320,321 to 1005 with
a 95% rating! I sat there with my cock in my
hand all weekend watching the results as they
came in, and I got some idea of what it must
have been like for Rage Against the Machine to
suddenly be plucked from obscurity to the
heights of the top of the charts. It made me
think that what a wonderful thing it would be
for masturbation to be at number one on Amazon
one day. Let's face it, it's the oldest hobby
in the world. To celebrate I've fucked a Su
Pollard phone sock:"
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B007R2VPR...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
>> "I'm Shit At Catchphrase" <<
A proud boast from jonofthesouth, who's really
captured the vibe of being bundled on the sofa,
off work, watching daytime TV and full of yummy
tramadol. "Like a David Lynch film beamed from
another planet," as b3tan Joe Scaramanga puts
it.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Im_Shit_At_Catchphrase
>> Man vs scammer <<
"I thought I could end my flat hunt when I saw
this shamefully too good to be true flat on
Gumtree," writes woahbot. "I popped 'em an
email, received the magic words 'Western
Union', rolled my eyes and, before I could
groan in disappointment, 'Fred' was calling me
to squeeze some cash out of me. 'I'm not trying
to scam you'!"
http://bit.ly/10xxlmO
>> Eurovision five-word reviews <<
"For those of you who like Europe's finest
music competition," writes admiral crunch, "I
thought I'd make some bitchy remarks about this
year's entries." A handy reference, so you
don't have to watch, listen to, or even think
about it.
http://blog.husey.co.uk/review-eurovision-2013/
>> What Pen? Parker Jotter review <<
Pig Face Turnip continues his pioneering
consumer service video series. Our fave bit is
the well-chosen raving from Amazon reviewers.
Can they really be *that* into it? What's wrong
with them?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/What_Pen
>> Choctopus <<
"I FEEL A BIT QUEASY," booms big, bad Joel
Veitch, wiping tentacle and confectionery from
his supple, pouting lips. Fact: all of Heston
Blumenthal's outtakes look like this.
http://b3ta.com/links/Choctopus
>> Meme-filled music vid <<
"I've squeezed a few memes and b3ta characters
in, as well as some vertigo and cat stuntwork.
Cracking tune too," entices Happy Toast. "It
took me a month to make!"
http://b3ta.com/links/Sam_Sallon_Long_Way_Down:2
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
My Saviour
Last week we were inspired by Ed Milliband's
new cyclist-rescuing super-hero status and
wanted to know who you'd rescued or been
rescued by:
http://b3ta.com/questions/mysaviour/
* RUN - "I took part in an organised charity
run and managed to keep pace with a cute
looking girl. My only goal was finishing the
race before her. That was it. Sadly, I was
unfit and fat, and she quickly shook me off her
tail. Imagine my surprise when, near the finish
line, I see her lagging. I reclaimed that lost
distance and just as I glided past her, she
stopped and vomited all over her trainers. I'd
love to say I stopped and helped but I just
thought, 'Fuck that...' and carried on running.
And, like most encounters I have with women, I
finished before her."
(plant)
* BAG - "I am a real super-hero. About a year
ago I spotted a woman in the city centre
struggling with a load of shopping that had
fallen all over the floor because her carrier
bag had broken. I had a carrier bag in my
pocket, so, quick as a flash, I walked over,
handed her the bag and said, "Would this help?"
She looked back, smiled and said, "Thank you."
I then seamlessly melted back into the crowd.
From that day forward I vowed to always carry a
carrier bag with me to rescue of those
unfortunate enough to suffer the same fate. So
far I have helped 3 others. No one knows my
identity, no one knows where I come from, no
one knows where I disappear to, no one knows if
I'll be there to help when their bag breaks,
all they know is that I AM CARRIER BAG MAN."
(The invisable man)
* CAT - "Rolling back from a club one morning
in a mildly chemical state, my mate spotted a
cat bobbing in the water. With no thought for
his own safety or comfort he plunged in to the
murky depths and spluttered his way to the
distressed animal. And that's how he rescued a
block of polystyrene from the Leeds Liverpool
canal."
(Dr. Shambolic)
>> This Week - EMERGENCY SERVICES <<
Tell us your tales of the police, ambulance
workers, firefighters, and - dammit - the
coastguard:
http://b3ta.com/questions/emergencyservices/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Mumble art <<
There's a man in Glasgow, who remembers what
people say to him, and then goes home and draws
it. Maybe someone should cut off the booze
supply to Glasgow.
http://thefolkyebumpintae.wordpress.com/
>> Get Clucky <<
The Nigerian spammers contracted by Daft Punk
to turn out 40,000 memetic variations of Get
Lucky, to convince people the song is popular,
are now half-way through their project with a
midi / chicken cover version. Next week? If you
slow Get Lucky down 1000% it turns into the
fear that washes over your body at midnight,
when you remember you've wasted your entire
life and you've got no one.
http://bit.ly/1460LZh
>> Analysis of call girl reviews <<
The biggest insight being that it's all sort of
matter of fact - like a site reviewing washing
machines. And why wouldn't it be? As aren't
prostitutes essentially washing machines of the
soul, with spunk being the Daz whitener?
http://bit.ly/ngNEzk
>> I don't want your fucking app <<
Website apps are pointless - if you design your
site properly it'll work fine on a small
screened browser - so it's rage-inducing to
visit a site on your phone and be constantly
told to INSTALL A FUCKING APP. No! We'd rather
cut off our cock, stick it in a Breville and
then sell it on eBay.
http://idontwantyourfuckingapp.tumblr.com/
>> Oh, "lol", ironic reviews <<
Rhod writes, "Periodically the Samsung Push
Service gets updated via the Google Play store.
The reviews have to be the funniest things I
have read in a long time - well worth looking
at."
https://play.google.com/store/apps/details
>> Instagram's Teenage Superstars <<
One of the joys of the internet when we were
young was it was an area we could succeed in
despite our horrific looks. Those days are
gone. If you want to be web-popular, be pretty
and young. That sounds a bit paedo and it
probably is.
http://bit.ly/13xhiqp
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Imagine if jpegs could move and talk
>> Stop-motion MicroMachines car chase <<
Whoever directed this has a future making Fast
& Furious eleventy billion.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/998498
>> Kitten + lizards = fun <<
What other exciting animals could you next
introduce to kittens to see their reaction?
Lions?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1000626
>> London 1927 <<
Video of London in 1927 - would be great to
film the same locations now and run them side
by side. Anyone got a budget for that?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/London_1927
>> Dr Bees <<
Bee-based comedy that will stop being funny
once all the bees are dead and the plants won't
pollinate and we all die. Or maybe we'll be
laughing in our graves.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dr_Bees
>> Sad Cat Diary <<
A reminder that the best comedy doesn't always
come from your super-leet AfterEffects skills,
but good writing. Ha, leet. Remember when
people said that? The kids who popularised that
are now your curmudgeonly boss.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sad_Cat_Diary
>> Cunty parent of the week award <<
The joy of mobile phones is that, if you're a
dreadful parent, you can now share it with the
rest of the world. That's why Microsoft
invented them.
http://www.prochan.com/embed
>> Dog wants sausage <<
As there's nothing we can add to this video in
commentary, instead here's a joke we tried to
make up that doesn't really work: Why do all
catholic priests fuck kids? Confirmation bias.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/I_really_want_the_sausag...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the New Vehicles Challenge
Last week we wanted you to invent
exciting vehicles. Your favourites included:
* ZOMBIES: dreaded twelve-legged undead
sled ahead (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10962476
* CLARKSON: pop-powered sportster undone
by pill injection (barryheadwound)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10963380
* CART: moggie-driven carriage proves to be
regrettable ride (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10964192
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/new-vehicles/
>> New challenge: Star Wars UK <<
It has been announced that the 7th Star Wars
film will be made in the UK. Boot up Photoshop
and show Disney and Lucas etc how their
characters might cope while filming in the UK
and just how British the new film could be.
Challenge suggested by The Twisted Omentum.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/UK-StarWars/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really would like to see include:
* LABOUR-UKIP COALITION - Imagine how angry
politics is going to be if this is only
Government formable in 2015. A sitcom right
there. (This is a lie, we wouldn't like to see
this)
* A MAGIC DEVICE THAT READS LORD SUGAR'S TWEETS
IN THE VOICE OF BRIAN BUTTERFIELD - What's the
difference between Lord Sugar and Brian
Butterfield? About 8 stone.
* TOP 50 CONCATENATOR - we've never managed
more than a few clicks into those lists that
split across 50 pages, each click giving you a
paragraph, another picture and another ad. What
about a magic button that folds them into one
page?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Hi: [email protected]
Bye: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by jonofthesouth,
MadCatMan, The Scrunt, Fadgebadger, Amadeus,
Tusk, Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver, fred zeppelin,
jonofthesouth. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Marn.
Top tip via username failed moderation.
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TOP TIP:
Make people think you have a lift in your house
by cutting a hole in the ceiling of your
hallway cupboard and putting a ladder through
it, allowing you to climb through to the upper
floor of your house, behind the closed cupboard
door.
