NEWSLETTER: "SWEET DREAMS ARE MADE OF CHEESE"
This Week:
* QUIZ - How wrong are your misconceptions?
* HOOLIGANS - narrated by David Attenborough
* DIGITAL WATCH - The Casio F-91W
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shaving
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | our heads...
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| together"
B3ta email 589 - 12 JUL 2013
Read this newsletter on your Kremlin typewriter:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue589
Pub : [email protected]
Nub : [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Infant circumcision trainer
Worried you'll mess up your infant son's
circumcision? Practice on this uncanny,
anatomically-correct plastic simulacrum. Bit
pricey but, hey, what's the alternative?
Reviews, as ever, a joy. NSFWish.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0083Y0W26/...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Misperceptions, Hondas, EDL & Tubes
>> Social misperceptions quiz <<
"According to the results of a recent survey,
your average Brit is completely clueless about
all sorts of social issues," alleges c@bbage.
"I've turned the top 10 misperceptions into an
online quiz so you can see how well your views
match up with reality."
http://ruletheweb.co.uk/misperception/
>> Graham Murkett thinks about the EDL <<
somegreybloke ponders on how we should think
about the English Defence League. Are they a
bunch of nazis, a progressive organisation or
are we missing a third option?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1030988
>> 'The Undercover Honda' teaser trailer <<
"Me and a couple of others have written a
comedy series," writes DefyingDarwin. "We've
shot a pilot episode to shop around to people
for some funding." The Undercover Honda follows
the misadventures of a pair of petty crooks,
through a camera hidden in their car.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1031660
>> How fucked are the Tubes? <<
"Ever wondered how fucked the Tubes are at the
moment?" asks pissycocks. Using publicly-
available data, this website tells you just
how well London Underground is operating.
Or it's a cheap gag.
http://howfuckedarethetubes.com/
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: USVSTH3M
The "other" project run by B3taish people
* YOU CAN'T DO SIMPLE MATHS UNDER PRESSURE - can
you reach level 10 and get an invite to the
'maths party'?
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/maths/
* THE GOOGLE AUTOCOMPLETE QUIZ - We've been
typing celebrities' names into Google and
learned that the autocomplete is like a
crowdsourced two minutes of hate. We thought,
"Oooh! Quiz!" Obviously.
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/googleautocompletequiz/
* TEN REASONS WE LOVE OUR CASIO F-91W DIGITAL
WATCH - We *heart* our digital watch. The battery
life is ten years, it cost about £5, it's
waterproof and, most of all, it's really useful
to know the time without having to fiddle with a
phone. Wear watches, people! They're great!
http://usvsth3m.com/post/55173874636/
* WHAT YOUR BEARD IS SAYING ABOUT YOU -
Illustrated timeline of chin-hair, with
explanations.
http://usvsth3m.com/post/54990652925/
We do a daily email of this shit - sign up.
http://bit.ly/ZizxOD
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Lucky Escapes
We wanted to know how close you'd come to
popping your clogs. Go read how to not to
retrieve an ashtray from a roof:
http://b3ta.com/questions/browntrousers/
* CAUGHT - "I have a mate who is a psychiatric
nurse. His job has stresses that I can barely
comprehend; many and various are the tales of
psychotic patients doing amusing/amazing/
appalling things. To compensate for this, he
does of course do massive drugs at the
weekends... So, bright one Monday morning, he
turns up at work barely conscious, parts of
his brain still asleep and others orbiting
Neptune. From the entrance door there's a
staircase leading upwards and as he opens the
door he sees movement above and instinctively
catches the object flying toward him. Frankly
'Coordinated' is not a word I associate with
this guy - he's more like a shambling pile of
dirty laundry that trails fag papers, knocked-
over mugs and broken appliances behind him -
so this was a pretty lucky catch. Especially
as the flying object turned out to be a baby.
Some muppet on the night-shift had given a
patient access to her child. So, I don't know
who you are, little baby, but you had the
luckiest of escapes that morning..."
(moon monkey)
>> This Week - BODY HORROR <<
Mictoboy writes, "I once picked a spot on my
cheek only for a half-inch long ingrown hair
to coil out covered in pus." Tell us your
story to make us boick here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/bodyhorror/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Buzzfeed deletes Buzzfeed parody article <<
Buzzfeed's been catching some flak after
explaining the Egyptian coup with Jurassic
Park gifs. Hence the sense of humour failure
when a user posted this excellent parody of
the site's distinctive journalistic idiom.
http://bit.ly/15uZ0XL
>> 7 Photoshop memes that never caught on <<
Remember Bangstaches? Voldemorting? That's
because they never became popular. Although
they were made up for this gag, we can't help
but feel they deserved a spell in the
spotlight. Poor little memes.
http://bit.ly/189iYHR
>> Middle-aged man things <<
If you have no middle-aged man available - fear
not. The internet always provides - here, it's
amusingly middle-age themed pics and a man to
answer your dad/DIY style questions.
http://justmiddleagedmanthings.tumblr.com/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Schmideo Schschmideo Sussudeo
>> Weird, bouncy drumkit <<
Drummers - is there any way this kind of setup
improves the way drums sound, or is it just as
much boingy fun as it looks?
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> News graphics fail <<
Try harder, mainstream news media. Try harder.
This is like something we'd make.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/News_Graphics_fail
>> Hooligan fight narrated by David Attenborough <<
Video of brawling soccer fans, with mellow
narration by king of voiceover, David
Attenborough.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1030829
>> Girl trampled by goats <<
Nasty stuff. Oh, who are we kidding - it's
adorable.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Girl_killed_by_goats
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Sometimes we feel like the
whole world is trolling us
"Friend of mine found this amusingly-named
kitchen company in the States," writes Fray
Bentos. "Ideal for preparing plums, massaging
dough-balls etc."
http://www.bollocktops.com/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Shoe Challenge
Last week we wanted you to revel in the
magnificence of shoes
Your favourites included:
* TESTES: vivid pink ladywear enhanced by
sequinned man-sack (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10979483
* TIME: era-jumping man-midget suffers
savage boot accident (1.618...)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10979697
* TUFNEL: mock rock star finds solace in
amplified footwear (Joe Scaramanga)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10979585
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/shoes/
>> New challenge: Earth 1.0 <<
This week's almighty task is show us
designs for the things that God threw
away, the things which never made it into
the finished version of our planet.
Suggested by mofaha.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/earth/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
>> See B3ta people drink. Talk to them too! <<
"For those able to visit parts of London, are
interested and haven't spotted it on the
calendar..." begins HappyToast. "There's a B3ta
London get-together with drinking and chatting
and drawing and stuff at the end of this month.
"Sign up, pop by, say hi. Let's get the loving
going."
http://b3ta.com/calendar/event/25046
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include:
* AUTO-TUNE OR NOT QUIZ - Can you tell if
something has been auto-tuned or is just being
sung to sound like that? Because these days, we
can't.
* POO SPRAY - A quick hardening fluorescent
spray for dog poo on pavements. Or for the
people who leave it there.
* DISTRIBUTED 'BUY ONE GET ONE FREE'. We hate
feeling forced to take home an excess of
whatever we popped to the shops for - but we'd
feel like a schmuck for not taking the extra
one. Can't somebody else take it?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Da: [email protected]
Nyet: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Enzyme,
redflame, Fluffster, Fartfurter.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
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TOP TIP:
Artists, short of vegetables to draw a quick
still life? A dildo, painted green, makes a semi
realistic cucumber. (robneymcplum)
