NEWSLETTER: "B3TA WORTH $18BN MORE THAN DETROIT"
This Week:
* HORROR - Your body-wrongs
* CATS - Your name in frisky felines
* iOS7 - You redesign Apple's greatest mistake
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B3ta email 590 - 19 JUL 2012
Remember this newsletter while eating a madeleine:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue590
Ups : [email protected]
Downs : [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Lego Airport Security Check In
Nice to see Lego keeping up with the post-9/11
security crackdown that made the airport a
thoroughly miserable experience for all
travellers. Amusing reviews, if that's your
thing, and, as you're reading B3ta, it could
well be. Or maybe you're just using us for the
sex.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0002CYTL...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
>> The Alphabet - Part One <<
"My latest animation," explains Paolo, of this
charming visual alphabet. Only goes to D so
far, but he's planning on going the whole way -
the crazy fool.
http://vimeo.com/paulrayment/thealphabet
>> Kittens fighting <<
"I saw two kittens fighting," begins
timoncheese. "So I filmed them for a bit and
made this." The episodic structure makes their
scampering antics all the more charming. You
don't want to get kitten overload.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1035468
>> Photos from London <<
"This is a moving pictures account of our trip
to London," writes Black Moon. Nice visual
effects, make this very 'Harry Potter wizard
pics'.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Photos_from_London
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Body Horror
Last week we wanted to know if your own body
had ever made you recoil in disgust. Read on,
and recoil in disgust:
http://b3ta.com/questions/bodyhorror/
* SCROTE - "I had a hangover. In the bathroom
the retching outlasted the contents of my
stomach, and stringy bile began to spatter atop
the undigested Guinness and chips in the
toilet. Then blood appeared. Then more blood.
Blood upon blood upon blood. Terror gripped me.
I managed to stop retching long enough to look
down my throat in the mirror. My uvula (the
little dangly thing at the back) was horribly
swollen and hanging very low. And it was
resting right on that sick-inducing sweet-spot
- it was like having a finger permanently
shoved down my throat. Panic set in, I couldn't
breathe and I had my first full-blown anxiety
attack. A few hours later, when I'd calmed
down, I went to hospital. The doctor couldn't
explain it. "These things sometimes happen," he
remarked, like a true professional. "Gargle
some aspirin or something," he suggested
helpfully. My uvula is now hideously
disfigured. Where once there was a smooth
teardrop of flesh, there's now something that
looks alarmingly like a ballsack, with one side
hanging lower than the other: basically I puked
so hard I grew a ballsack in my mouth."
(CopyBeard)
* POO - "I had a small lump in my neck. It
wasn't painful, or anything. Just a lump. Then
one morning, it was gone, and all I found was a
little lump of poo in my bed. I can only assume
I had a neck poo. I was not happy."
(Windy Pig)
* GUTS - "A couple of weeks back I got home
late, and there, on my step, was the body of a
seagull chick. I hate the screeching fucks, so
I didn't go all girly at this tragic loss of
life. No, I bent down to take a closer look. It
was a damp night, and the tiny fluffy body was,
grotesquely, covered in slugs. There was no way
I was picking up a sluggy corpse. Disposal
could wait... Next day was hot. I got out of
bed and ran out to meet my Dad. Through the
conservatory. Over the patio. Down the steps.
And onto a sweaty rancid juvenile avian corpse.
Barefoot. Bowels exploded out of its arse and
decorated the steps with delicate pinky-brown
tubes; my next step landed in them. I can
honestly say that sitting on a curb dry-heaving
with a foot-full of entrails is a humbling
experience. There's nothing as fucking
disgusting as having to wash day-old guts from
between your toes with a hosepipe."
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini)
>> This Week - UNREASONABLE CRUELTY << Your all
little angels, of course, but tell us of the
times when events have taken a turn for the
harsh:
http://b3ta.com/questions/unreasonablecruelty/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Your name in cats <<
Internet, your long wait is over.
http://nekofont.upat.jp/en/
>> Painting with words <<
An excellent new way to waste time when you
should be working.
http://tholman.com/texter/
>> 80s handheld LCD games simulator <<
This site lets you play loads of 80s electronic
handheld games like Game & Watch.
http://www.pica-pic.com/#/castle_adventure/
>> People in pizza costumes becoming full pizzas <<
Some fancy dress costume are just begging to be
made into animated gifs. These are those.
http://bit.ly/i4nNu
>> The 100m scroll <<
The afternoon simply dragging on? Try this
simple game that involves dragging your scroll
wheel over 100m as quickly as you possibly can.
http://the100meterscroll.com/
>> Instant Streetview <<
Quite exciting to just type in the name of a
location and have it pop up on Streetview -
rather than all the faff of dragging the little
man all over a map.
http://www.instantstreetview.com/
>> Should I read the Daily Mail? <<
The only website you'll need today. The only
website you'll need any day. Except Sunday.
Somebody needs to make
shouldIreadthemailonsunday.com
http://shouldireadthedailymail.com/
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: USVSTH3M
That other website that shares our love
>> Redesign iOS7 <<
All the top designers are sticking their oar
in, on how Apple's latest can be made... well,
good. Why not have a go for yourself, with this
handy toy?
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/redesign-ios-7/
>> The One Second Stopwatch game <<
Try to stop the Casio digital watch at exactly
1 second. Painstakingly faithful recreation of
an old favourite childhood game.
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/watch/
>> How Katie Hopkins trolls for £££ profit <<
We largely ignored Katie Hopkins’s latest
outburst: how boring, she’s being mean about
people to create a twit-storm. Yawn. But then
we realised there was method to her crassness.
http://usvsth3m.com/post/55857079607/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
When will pixels finally be obsolete?
>> Quadruple Robo Backflip <<
Amazing athleticism from diminutive robot
gymnast.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Quadruple_Robo_Backflip
>> Stag party 'bridge jump' troll <<
Particularly good example of how being invited
on a stag party makes your best buddies into
your most fiendish foes. Groom blindfolded and
told everyone was about to jump off a bridge.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1035884
>> Speedrun: Blade Runner in 60 Seconds <<
Blazing fast, animated recap of the Ridley
Scott classic, that barely pauses to draw
breath. "I said let's go!"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1033656
>> Rolling Clay with Keith <<
Pottery enthusiast embraces his inner Adele.
Genuinely lovely.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
>> The making of 'I Love You So Hard' <<
"I'm always totally astounded by the sheer
amount of work that went into this epochal
piece of work," exclaims Joel Veitch. "Mainly
on the part of animator Ross Butters.
"Here's the full 'making of' film, so you can
see the glory of the final result in all its...
err.... glory."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1035370
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include:
* TURN OFF THE MAIL - Can someone start a
Kickstarter to buy the Daily Mail and switch it
off?
* AMOEBA PENIS-SCROLL - How long it would take
to scroll the average penis in HTML5 if you
were the size of an amoeba?
* TOILET DOOR OPENING HAND-HOOKS for when
you're not sure if other people in the office
have washed their hands. Important: Hand-hooks
must be designed to not make you look like a
weirdo.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Friends: [email protected]
Twats: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Captain Howdy,
Dawn Of The Bread, The Tramp Surveyor.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
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TOP TIP:
Atomic cocks! Give people cancer with your
radioactive jizz (2 Can Chunder)
