NEWSLETTER: "THEY CAN'T BAN ASCII PORN"
This Week:
* RAP - Letter to David Cameron from Dan Bull
* INVESTIGATION - What egg cup part two
* QUESTION - Worst gig you've ever seen?
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving jizz for
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | Jesus. No idea what
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| that means. Sorry"
B3ta email 591 - 26 July 2013
Read this using using the Unix "say" command:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue591
Chums : [email protected]
Bums : [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
iPhone sock - thirteen million quid to you
If we were paying £13,000,000 for a mobile phone
case we'd not be happy about waiting 2 days for
delivery.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001BOO4P...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than making stains on the sofa
>> Letter to David Cameron from Dan Bull <<
ToryGov is proposing massive censorship of
the internet - apparently to 'protect the
children', but most likely to shore up their
own interests. Here's internet rapper Dan
Bull's take:
http://bit.ly/19m76oV
>> What Egg Cup - Part 2 <<
"I sent off some egg cup designs to an egg cup
manufacturer," writes Pig Face Turnip. Please,
BBC, give this guy a show. We'd deffo watch.
Call it 'Pig Face Turnip', too as that'll stand
out in the schedules.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/What_Egg_Cup_Part_2
>> "My Dad's sculptures" <<
Flatfrog writes, "My Dad asked me to help put
some pictures of his sculptures online. He's
been making them for about twenty years now and
I genuinely think he's brilliant."
http://bit.ly/13ifoa6
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Unreasonable Cruelty
We wanted your memories of the times you'd
taken it a little *too* far:
http://b3ta.com/questions/unreasonablecruelty/
* ROAD RASH - "As a littl'un, about 6 or 7 years
old, we used to hang about and ride our BMXs in
a gravelly lane behind a friend's house. One day
someone came off their bike at speed and scraped
practically all the skin off his forearm. He was
doing the whole 'don't cry' breathing, wincing,
lip-wobbling thing when an older girl, probably
about 16-ish came running up with a bag of
shopping. 'Bloody hell, are you OK? I've got
something for that in my bag,' she says and
promptly gets out a plastic lemon and squirts it
all over his arm. She then ran laughing while he
screamed his fucking head off. I imagine she's
in prison now for poisoning people's pets or
something." (Fart through a Walkie Talkie)
* CATKINS - "I managed to sell the stupidest boy
in my class some fuzzy, little pussy willow
catkin things as pets. I told him they were in
the pupal stage and would soon emerge as
poisonous fighting butterflies. When he came to
me 2 weeks later to tell me nothing had
happened, I told him they'd obviously died due
to his mistreatment. I did feel guilty watching
the tears well up in the poor little fucker's
eyes, but not for very long." (Smash Monkey)
* GEORGE - "You know what's really cruel? Making
baby lizard people wear human skin suits, just so
they'll be accepted as our heads of state."
(Munsta)
>> This Week - BAD GIGS <<
Been to see some talentless gits on stage
recently? Had your enjoyment spoiled by a
twat with an iPad filming the whole thing?
Been bottled off? Tell us all:
http://b3ta.com/questions/badgigs/
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: USVSTH3M - Games special
The 'other' project B3ta staff do
* HOW GEEKY ARE YOU - a personality quiz. We
come out about 80% and if you get 100%? Hmm.
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/how-geeky-are-you/
* GRAMMAR GAME - can you tell you're from your?
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/write/
* COUNT THE KITTENS - how good are you at
estimating the amount of kittens on your
LCD monitor?
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/count-the-kittens/
Follow us on Twitter for the latest updates.
https://twitter.com/usvsth3m
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
* ISP STICKS IT TO THE GOV - respect to Andrews
& Arnold Ltd. for telling our shitty government
where to go, over their obscene and illiberal
censorship plan.
http://aa.net.uk/kb-broadband-realinternet.html
* PRISON FACILITIES OF THE US - did you know
there's 4,916 prisons in the USA? Here's photos
of all of them. Terrifying - their captivity
rate is 0.7% of adults.
http://prisonmap.com/
* NOSELESS GIFS - people look creepy without
noses. Who knew?
http://imgfave.com/collection/245499/Noseless%20Gi...
* ANIMATED BEER LABELS - beware: if you're
trying not to drink, your resolve will be
weakened by these enticing images.
http://beerlabelsinmotion.tumblr.com/
* STUPIDEST LETTER EVER SENT TO A RECORD LABEL -
and that's including the note we sent to FM
Revolver records in Wolverhampton in 1992, asking
them to listen to our dance remix of the Archers
theme tune.
http://bit.ly/11cD3es
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Imagine if TV was on in the office. Oh it is now
* SCIENTIFICALLY ACCURATE DUCK TALES - because
ducks don't have sphincters. Did you know that?
DID YOU?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1038038
* WILL.I.AM BABBLES NONSENSE - actually, not
all of it is nonsense but the delivery is so
weird that he looks he's on special brain
medicine. BTW: WILL.I.AM is a brilliant name,
as it directs your computer straight to his
website. He's not so dumb.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* HIGH-FIVING CAT - if this was our cat we'd get
an agent. The fucker needs a film deal.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* TV TRAFFIC PRESENTER ACCIDENTALLY DRAWS COCK
- we've all done this, admit it. You're
casually presenting the traffic news on TV,
then suddenly you draw a penis.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* MILEY CYRUS WITHOUT MUSIC - Miley is going
through that phase in her career where she
wants to look like a mental. Collegehumor is
helping her achieve this by replacing her music
with sound FX.
http://bit.ly/15Ce8AF
* "ICE ICE BABY" SUNG BY THE MOVIES -
Painstakingly-researched version of the 1990
Vanilla Ice hit. Actually did he have another
hit? Don't email in, we really don't give a poo
whether he did or not.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Stock Photo Challenge
Last week we wanted you to replace
classic album covers with appropriate
stock photos. It was AMAZING.
Your favourites included:
* HELMET: best-selling, chart-thrashing
classic, recreated via the medium of
handsome builder (Ninj)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10983891
* RADIO: macho punk rock behemoth
feminised by bow-tied old-time
broadcasting beauty (Jabberwoc)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10983599
* HOTSHOT: the smug bastard king of all
of stock photography, versus the Beatles
(c@bbage)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10983810
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/stock-photo-albums/
>> New challenge: Donkeys <<
There are more than 40 million donkeys in
the world, mostly in underdeveloped
countries, where they are used
principally as draught or pack animals.
This week's challenge is to Photoshop the
donkey's delightful, fuzzy features with
hilarious results, etc.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/donkeys/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include:
* A BAN ON LANGUAGE LIKE "When I hear X I reach
for my pistol" & "Hang onto your hats". Your
readers aren't wearing hats and you don't have a
pistol.
* CAMERON BLOCK - a site that blocks any mention
of Cameron and his odious friends.
* A BUTTON THAT ALLOWS US TO INSTANTLY SLEEP -
such a waste of time, that hour or so or trying
to drop off.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Joiners: [email protected]
Splitters: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by daf,
witty_ditty and Mokoshne.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via emvee.
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