NEWSLETTER: "7 WEEKS UNTIL YOU CAN BINGE WATCH BREAKING BAD"
This Week:
* WORDS - AMAZING KATE BUSH STORY
* PHOTOS - FISH THAT LOOK HUMAN
* MEAT - ARRANGE AS A SHIP
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the whale
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | like a Nik Kershaw
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| album track"
B3ta email 594 - 16 Aug 20134
Read this issue whilst stroking your "cat":
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue594
Sub : [email protected]
Snubscribe : [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Amazon funnies ha ha ha ha sort of
>> The Quarry by Banks, Iain - bonkers review <<
"My father's novel 'The Quarry',by Ronald Marsh,
was published in 1962. It was so much superior
in style and content as to render the
appropriation of the title by a recent author
an impertinence." WTF!?
http://amzn.to/14jVT1r
>> What Are These Strawberries Doing on My
Nipples? ... I Need Them for the Fruit Salad! <<
Vanessa Feltz produces the best titled book ever.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/075151005X/...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than be generally great
* VIDEO ABOUT ROBOTS AND FOOTBALL - "I directed
a thing for the FA! WITH A GIANT ROBOT! Defying
Darwin wrote it and stars in it as a violent
footballing skinhead!", Cap'n, "It is
technically an advert but the thing it's trying
to sell is that people shouldn't act like dicks
and scream at children so I hope people are okay
with it."
http://bit.ly/18zMcPR
* BARLEY SAYS "FRACKING" - Mozza writes, "Just
finished another Barley the Cat animation. This
time Barley's spouting off about fracking."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Barley_Says_Fracking
* WHAT EGG CUP PART 3 - "My struggle to bring
egg cups to market continues.", writes Pig Face
Turnip, "Warning - contains MC Hammer."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/What_Egg_Cup_Part_3
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Exposed!
Last week we asked if you'd ever been caught
naked in public. Go read how Aerialmeg showed
her bush to Kate Bush:
http://b3ta.com/questions/exposed/
* MILKY - "My husband works at sea and went back
to work about 6 weeks after I had our first
baby. He was away for 3 months at a time. I was
pretty exhausted and, after a particularly
gruelling night, was on the sofa, still in a
grannified breast-feeding nightie at lunchtime.
I fed the baby and dozed off to be awoken by a
ring of the doorbell. I deposited the now
sleeping baby and blearily stumbled to answer
the door to the postman with a parcel to sign
for. Duly signed for it and came by inside
thinking what a terrified looking postman he
was. Walked up the hall to put the parcel down,
past the hall mirror. Where I was confronted by
the sight of my hideous bed-head, sleep-deprived
eyes, gross, milk-soaked nightie and, joy of
joys, my left tit hanging out of the top."
(Lolopops)
* PUBES - "The defining moment in my teenage
life came on a school sports day when I was
fifteen, competing in the 1500 metres. It should
have been a moment of glory as I crossed the
finish line to rapturous applause, a full lap
ahead of my nearest competitor. But nobody talk
about how I set a new school record for the
event. Instead, the memory everyone has is of me
flopping to the floor, sweating and panting,
spreading my legs and exposing my right testicle
through a newly formed hole in my shorts. Any
applause was replaced by a swell of laughter
that spread through forms A to K like a tidal
wave of shame as I confirmed to all that I did
in fact have ginger pubes. Even to this day if I
walk into a pub in my home town and one of the
girls from my year happens to be there, though
they're all grown up with a family and a career,
they will still shout out 'Ginger Pubes' across
the pub and break into fits of adolescent
laughter. I leave soon after." (lickmyscripts)
* NIKES - "New Year 1996, a flatmate has got
some lovely new sneakers for Christmas. "I'm
going to try these out," he says. A few minutes
later there's a glimpse of pasty pink and the
sound of a slamming door. We peep out of window
to see a pair of fluorescent Nike soles and an
otherwise naked flatmate disappearing down the
street. Five minutes later a beaming flatmate
and two police officers appear at the door. "Is
this yours?" they ask. "Yes." Ominous pause.
"Has he not got any other Christmas presents he
could wear?" (Dr. Shambolic)
>> This Week - GONE OFF <<
What no longer pleases you? What have you gone
off?
http://b3ta.com/questions/goneoff/
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: USVSTH3M STUFF
Three games from the "other" project
* PETROL PUMP GAME - try and hit £20 exactly in
our wonderfully frustrating Petrol Pump Game.
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/pump/
* YOU CAN'T DO BINARY UNDER PRESSURE - we can’t,
well most of our team can’t.
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/binary/
* GUESS THE AUTOCOMPLETE - can you predict the
hive mind?
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/autocomplete/
Make sure you follow @usvsth3m on Geocities to
get all the stuff first.
https://twitter.com/usvsth3m
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
* IF FISH WERE HUMAN - maybe they'd be a little
like this?
http://www.acbe.eu/
* SMITHS LYRICS + PEANUTS = some kind of mash up
thing.
http://thischarmingcharlie.tumblr.com/
* WOMAN PRETENDS TO BE VARIOUS CELEBS - only
using the power of extreme makeup.
https://www.facebook.com/carlypaigemakeup
* ALL ABOARD THE MEAT SHIP - old as the hills but
delicious.
http://www.supersizedmeals.com/food/article.php/20...
* 3D PRINT FAILURES - the future is going to be
just as crappy as the past.
https://secure.flickr.com/groups/3d-print-failures...
* EPIC TWITTER BATTLE - if people on Twitter
were a little more erudite.
http://christthetruth.net/2013/08/11/epic-twitter-...
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like telly but without the TV licence
* HITER CRAZY GOLF - love Hitler? Love golf? We
havez wayz of making you putt.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* FRIGHTENING HOMEMADE WATER SLIDE - that makes
people bleed.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* CONTROVERSIAL BABY DYNAMICS YOGA - please
don't do this to babies, it looks horrible.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* ENGLISH DISCO LOVERS TURN UP AT EDL PROTEST -
and dance like people who enjoy dancing.
http://youtu.be/sYPpbfs5Vn4
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Punctuation Challenge
Last week we wanted you to misuse punctuation to
change the meaning of things.
Your favourites included:
* EATS: rogue apostrophe and misplaced letter
create a disturbance in the Force
(Mystery_Machine)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10992686
* SHOOTS: Alex Jones, Matt Baker and guest Bez
get the MDMA in (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10993944
* LEAVES: the tawdry truth of the world's
largest search engine, revealed in a single
space (Captain Howdy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10992567
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/punctuation/
>> New challenge: Sport <<
This week's challenge is to demonstrate sports
that never caught-on. Underwater tennis, anyone?
Hamster baiting? Dwarf fondling? Helicopter
Basketball? There must be millions. Challenge
suggested by notoolsovernight
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/badsports/
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Friends : [email protected]
Twats: [email protected]
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THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel
with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by via
wavylines. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
Trinder is QOTW bloke.
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TOP TIP:
Having too much fun and excitement? Need to be
bored? Watch mind numbing film The Social
Network. (Doctor Frog)
