NEWSLETTER: EMAIL 1 OF ?
This Week:
* CAT FOOD - What's it taste like?
* 80s POP - Test your skills
* STORY - Panini Paedophiles
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saying
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | 'the Web'
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| together"
B3ta email 597 - 6th Sept 2013
Eat this newsletter with some fava beans at:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue597
Abs : [email protected]
Glutes : [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Catfood, toothpaste and plasticine ghosts
>> "I ate cat food" <<
"It tastes as good as it looks, that's all I
can say," writes food blogger colmcq2. FYI:
This is a mid-range catfood and you may find
more palatable results with Sheba.
http://bit.ly/1dX6XZu
>> Can you cook with toothpaste? <<
"I found out!" brags colmcq2, flushed with
success from eating catfood. But... can you?
And is it tasty?
http://bit.ly/15Jcc7G
>> GHOST BURGER: Prologue <<
"I'm going into my fourth month now on this
film I'm making," raves splattermation auteur
leehardcastle. "Rather than a trailer I thought
I'd post the opening scene as a teaser. So here
we go, oh and it's a sequel to my segment in
the ABCs of Death film 'T is for Toilet'!"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/GHOST_BURGER_Prologue
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: USVSTH3M
Some other stuff made by us, or clones of us
>> 80 Pop Trivia Under Pressure <<
If you read Smash Hits obsessively in the 80s -
then this is for you.
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/80spoptrivia/
>> Crapper Mapper <<
We show you 10 toilets from around the world.
But where, exactly?
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/crapper-mapper/
>> The North of Watford quiz <<
Ten places on Google StreetView, north of
Watford Gap. Here’s the question: which city
are you looking at?
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/north-of-watford/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Not-stalgia
Last week we asked what things from your past
were just a little bit shit. Go read Albert
Marshmallow's revisiting the porn of his youth
and finding a few home truths:
http://b3ta.com/questions/Thepastwasrubbish/
* ROBOT - "When I was a nipper I had a favourite
toy which was this walking robot. It stood a
tall 10 inches and had a light display in its
chest. When it was powered up by some batteries
it would march forward, stop, then do this light
display and repeat the process. It made a lot of
noise and looked cool. One day the batteries run
out. Robot becomes mere quiet plastic statue to
the 4 year old. Obviously the 4 year old wants
this resolved so I bring this to the attention
of my father. This was my fatal mistake. He has
a look around the house for some batteries but
he can't find any so... He opened up the battery
compartment and connected a spare CAR BATTERY
and flicks the "on" switch. Robot noise went
berserk. STAMP STAMP STAMP LIGHTS STAMP SMOKE
STAMP STAMP LIGHTS STAMP FLAMES STAMP LIGHTS
LIGHTS FLAMES FLAMES FLAMES. The robot ran
straight into a wall, a lump of disfigured toy
with the smell of plastic death. 'Oops....err
...sorry son,' says dad, who promptly legs it.
My mum comes upstairs to find me sitting
blank-eyed, looking at a black stinking skirting
board pizza-mess saying 'Daddy broke it'"
(Jeccius)
* PANINI - "Me and my mate Chris were
reminiscing about collecting Panini football
stickers, and had a moment of realisation that
now we both had full time jobs, collecting the
full set would be so much easier. A couple of
£50 purchases each meant we had tonnes of
stickers in the book and a load of swaps. Of
course at the age of 30, not so many swappers to
swap with. But there in the back of the sticker
album was the answer - they did swap events at
many football stadiums and our local one was
only a week away. How we giggled, we would just
go down and swap away. It would be a hoot. A
funny story for the chaps and we would fill in
our albums in one fell swoop ... I have never,
and will never, look more like a paedophile. We
wandered around a room full of 10 year old boys
with our swaps for about 5 mins, enduring the
suspicious and hostile stares of fathers and the
worried looks from the staff until we, without
swapping a single sticker, sloped out of the
event never, ever to mention it again."
(aneraseroflove)
* 1970s - "The 1970s were a wonderful enchanting
time for me: my childhood decade. As soon as we
got into the 1980s my wide-eyed childhood
innocence had gone, spoiled forever with a
decade's worth of strikes, unemployment, greed,
hairspray and Lamborghini shoulder pads. The
1970s should be a time I can look back with fond
memories of 'It's A Knockout', 'Seaside Special'
and 'Jim'll Fix It'. 'Top of The Pops' with Dave
Lee Travis, Gary Glitter, Jonathan King and the
Jackson Five. Is it a decade I can now look back
on with fond memories? Is it fuck! All my
memories are spoiled, tainted, defiled forever."
(buffet_the_appetite_slayer)
>> This Week - LURID WORK STORIES <<
Tell us the horrible stories you tease the new
hires with, or that you've been told that are
definitely true, honest:
http://b3ta.com/questions/luridstories/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> 5 worst pictures of men and cats <<
Gloriously crappy, soft-focus shots of men
who've decided the best way to impress women is
to utterly surround yourself with kittens.
http://bit.ly/11THNWr
>> Shit rough drafts <<
These terrible 'first drafts' of classic films,
books and songs will make the edges of your
mouth curl up.
http://shitroughdrafts.com/
>> Everything needs more jpeg <<
All your images looking too smooth these days?
Add all the artifacting you want with this
handy online tool. You know you're nostalgic
for it, so why not indulge?
http://needsmorejpeg.com/
>> Cyborg GIFs <<
Weird little part human / part machine
animations that, we guess, are some sort of
satire.
http://milosrajkovic.tumblr.com/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
>> When twerking goes bad <<
Is this real? If so, well, OUCH!
https://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Drum interpretation of auctioneer <<
Staccato speech patterns of a slick Southern
auctioneer, with drum accompaniment. A good
thing.
http://bit.ly/14xduDu
>> How to twerk <<
Ronseal. That horrible, slapping sound is
permanently burned into our eardrums.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_twerk
>> How to terrify an interviewee <<
Pretend that a meteor has destroyed the city.
We once had a nightmare like this, but we also
weren't wearing any trousers. And when we woke
up we were unemployed.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Chimp enjoys a luxuriant bubble bath <<
Watch a cute animal frolic for your
gratification. Her name is Chloe so, at guess,
she's very middle-class.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Creepy Stuff Challenge
Last week we wanted you to creep us out
with your twisted little minds
Your favourites included:
* FEAR: image dragover trick impenetrable
to outsiders (c@bbage)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11004948
* THATCH: milk-stealing monster unsettles
nation's children (Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11004731
* PEG: tri-limbed pastor prepares for
head-spinning face-off (mofaha)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11003369
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/creepystuff/
>> New challenge: Three Pictures on a Theme <<
Three pictures on a theme: come up with
an idea for a bandwagon, create the first
three pictures in it, and join in on
other people's bandwagons. Challenge
suggested by Monkeon.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/3pics/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* SOMEONE FROM YAHOO strung up outside the b3ta
town hall. At a whimsical angle...
* THE SUN AGAIN. That's enough autumn for us,
thanks.
* MORE KILLER BUILDINGS. Roaming free over
the city:
http://bit.ly/gz5NFY
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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xXx: [email protected]
2fast 2furious: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by algoreen,
Dazz and a host of stars too bright to mention.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via
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TOP TIP:
Save money on soap by losing some weight. (MrOli)
