NEWSLETTER: WISHING YOU INTO THE CORNFIELD
This Week:
* MYSTERIES - of the Deep
* KIDS - are you down with them?
* HITLER Vs Taylor Swift
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Why, lover
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | why? Why do
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| flowers die?"
B3ta email 598 - 13 Sep 2013
Escape the Hounds of Tindalos at:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue598
Format : [email protected]
One-off : [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
The Banana Bunker
"Those ridges are trouble. I left my wife alone
in a room with my banana and Banana Bunker, and
apparently came back in just in time to save
her from choking." It's a stupid,
phallic-looking banana-holder. It will have
good reviews.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000VY8836/...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Death, Deeps, Martin, Fairies and Fiddy
>> Don't Fear Death (with Rik Mayall) <<
There's no need to be afraid of death. "Don't
Fear Death, our follow-up to Man in a Cat, is
now online in full," writes ravonski. "It's 3
minutes long, it's animated and it's voiced by
Rik Mayall."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1064396
>> Mysteries of The Deep 2 <<
"Where there is water, there is mystery,"
begins Pig Face Turnip. "My attempt to solve a
mystery in the basement of a B & Q."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Mysteries_of_The_Deep_2
>> George R. R. Martin's Vivid Imagination <<
"George RR Martin reveals how he comes up with
ideas for his favourite character," alleges
Butters.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1063977
>> Starbucks stirrers = steampunk fairies <<
"Here's a little something I do to pass the
time," writes Hepathon.
http://imgur.com/a/4cR0P
>> 50 cent 50 cent <<
Here's a portrait of 50 Cent. "Using 50 cent
coins and a tube of no more nails," boasts
Q4nobody.
http://www.earlyshakespeare.com/50cent.html
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: USVSTH3M
You know, another b3ta-affiliated website
* Are You Down With the Kids? - Know your swag
from your YOLO? Play our quiz and we ll rate
you against everyone else your age.
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/down-with-the-kids/
* Scot or Not? - Scotland is a beautiful place,
but can you tell if these StreetView locations
are Scot or not?
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/scot-or-not/
* The One Word Wordsearch - Can you find a
single word, hidden in a mass of nonsense? Then
our One Word Wordsearch is for you!
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/one-word-wordsearch/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Lurid Work Stories
Last week we wanted the horror stories that new
employees get told to make them feel really
welcome to the team. A lot of them involve
unflushable turds:
http://b3ta.com/questions/luridstories/
* NAN - "When my Dad was a young copper he was
based in a fairly rural police station. On one
of his first mornings there he took a call from
a local man whose elderly mother had died in
the night. He found the farmhouse and the door
was answered by a grieving lady, eyes red with
sadness. 'Oh officer, thank you for coming.
I'll make you a cup of tea. Everyone's just
through there.' My dad stepped into a room full
of mourning family members. He removed his hat
and said sorry for your loss and all that,
taking an empty seat on the sofa. He started
making gentle enquiries of the family was it
expected, are you all ok, that kind of thing.
They were being a bit cagey and awkward, and my
dad was beginning to get a little confused at
how the situation wasn't progressing. Finally
he just came out and said, 'So, could you let
me know where the body is?' Everyone blinked
nervously. 'But officer,' said a young woman,
pointing. 'She's right there.' The 'devastated
relative' my dad had squeezed in next to on the
sofa was actually the stiffening corpse of
Grandma." (Wet-chinned bag shanker)
* BANG - "I worked at British Steel Stainless
in the 80's (yes I'm that old!) and our melting
shop was called SMACC (stainless melting and
continuous casting). The basic melt is made in
a mahoosive cupola that held in the region of
80 tonnes of scrap metal, melted by an equally
mahoosive electric arc and it gets very hot,
very quickly. It was winter and the scrap was
kept outside. Part of said scrap was a fridge
with the door open that had filled up with
snow. It was soon discovered that if you place
a fridge (with the door now shut), filled with
snow, and heat it with a fucking great spark of
electricity, it will fly sideways through the
wall of the cupola and straight through the
Shift Manager's office. Poor bugger was sitting
there having a cup of tea when it came through
one wall and out the other. I think he lost the
gift of speech for a while." (Blackdogmanguitar)
* THUD - "My first real job after school was as
an apprentice in a steel factory in South
Africa. The story I was told was about a worker
who committed suicide by jumping, from a
significant height, into an open pot of molten
steel. One counter-intuitive point to note is
that molten steel is still steel, nearly 7x as
dense as water: the result being that (even at
high impact velocity) packages of meat and
water don't go 'splash', or even 'splot', they
just go 'thud' and float on top. I don't
believe anyone stopped to check whether he
survived the actual fall given that he was soon
melting / burning / disintegrating at
temperatures exceeding 1500C. The worst part?
That whole vat of steel was contaminated and
had to be recycled, costing thousands of Rand."
(Tsukemono)
>> This Week - BREAK-UP STORIES <<
How has your BFF screwed you? Tell us through
the tears:
http://b3ta.com/questions/breakingup/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> A collection of Stasi photos <<
Fascinating compilation of photos from the
archives of the East German Secret Police. The
disguise ones are particularly OL-worthy.
http://www.simonmenner.com/pages/Stasi-Index.htm
>> The NSA <<
The NSA is doggedly determined to hound you for
your secret information. They barely paws in
their efforts to collar terrorists. Etc etc.
http://spudhound.com/
>> Amazing, nostalgic pixel art <<
French artist Noirlac scours old arcade games
for beautiful examples of pixel art. We link to
the 'sourced' version rather than original
because, well, that's more interesting.
http://noirlacsourced.tumblr.com/
>> The Japanese street where the Pigeon-people dwell <<
Street in Japan where people lay in wait to
creep out the Google StreetView car.
http://bit.ly/17ttxFQ
>> Taylor Swift Vs Hitler <<
It started with people sticking Hitler quotes
on pictures of Ms Swift and attributing them to
her. But we're possibly slightly fonder of the
counterpart that has the Fuhrer musing about
cowboy boots and songwriting.
http://bit.ly/1fsZcbM
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
>> Drunken louts go around town repairing things <<
CCTV shows public-spirited revellers fixing a
bike rack, after a night on the town.
http://bbc.in/17PWYmb
>> What does the fox say? <<
Furry-themed music video that attempts to
describe the awful noise that foxes make.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> It's not Porn <<
Young actors describe to their shocked friends
and family the exciting new gig they landed.
But don't worry, it's not in porn...
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Its_not_Porn
>> Serious Monty Python Holy Grail Trailer <<
The Python classic gets a modern makeover as a
serious fantasy film. Includes the Inception
BWAAAARK that's blighted every trailer for the
last eight years.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1065831
>> Miley Cyrus video, but with Nic Cage <<
Somehow inevitable - Miley Cyrus's Wrecking
Ball, but with the singing starlet seamlessly
replaced with Nicolas Cage.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Captain Kirk watches Miley Cyrus <<
The Enterprise crew is forced to relive her
strange, twerky VMA performance. This is
probably our favourite of these reaction vids,
as we know the Trek crew well enough to be
entertained by their reactions. Sniff - it's
like watching with your family.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
German gym ad in Berlin <<
We don't know what's going on here, but it
looks like more sexy fun than should be allowed
in a gym.
http://bit.ly/18ZrtmO
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Three Picture Challenge
Last week we wanted you to create bandwagons so
others could climb aboard.
Your favourites included:
* RACE: doddery consort proffers fruit to
dark-skinned company (Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11006416
* FALL: famed bar-fail film transplant for Touch
of Frost thespian (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11006626
* RAVE: pill-popping moves suggested by budget
weatherman lavatory (bigwasteofspace)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11006649
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/3pics/
>> New challenge: After the Alien Invasion <<
This week's challenge is to show us how life has
changed 20 years after the hostile takeover by
Big Bad Aliens Plc. Because it's going to
happen. Challenge suggested by Colonel Boris.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/alien-invasion/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* A SATNAV with the voice of Brian Sewell.
* A SATNAV that gives you positive feedback.
It's a bit much, spending three hours having
orders barked at you by a little, plastic box.
* BRIAN SEWELL to sit in our car and be our
friend on long journeys.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Oui: [email protected]
Wee: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Tusk,
My Front Fell Off, Mudface, disconnected,
Testricals, Jorvic, sinisterduck.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via cowcat.
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TOP TIP:
Convince your workmates you have a massive
cocaine habit, by going to the toilet every 15
minutes to place some 'coffeemate' on your
nose, going back to your desk and smashing your
keyboard, calling everyone in your office "a
bunch of fucking cunts" before punching a
partition wall and storming out of the building.
(robneymcplum)
