NEWSLETTER: LATEST NASA PROBE FINDS MARS IS SMALLER THAN IT WAS IN THE 70S
This Week:
* REVOLUTION - by crows
* CHRIS MORRIS - three hours of genius
* ALIEN - movie typography nerdfest
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving our penis
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | for a rainy day"
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B3ta email 645 - 5 Dec 2014
Read this issue on your circuit bent dusty bin:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue645
Sub : [email protected]
Snub : [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Korg Monotribe
We've wasted much of our evenings recently
making cheap and cheerful acid house with the
best musical toy we've ever had. It goes bleep.
A LOT. Seriously - we can't recommend this hard
enough.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0050G7VR...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
>> UKIP Christmas Dinner Argument Simulator <<
Jimbobabu writes, "Get some practice in now for
that festive political dust-up with the folks
in this choose-your-own adventure game."
http://ukipchristmas.wordpress.com/
>> Crow Revolution <<
Eddache writes, "The birds are revolting!" This
is great; very Monty Python and possibly a
comment on Russell Brand's slightly vague ideas
of social transformation.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Crow_Revolution
>> Terminator Emusis <<
HappyToast writes, "I made this, I have no idea
why :D" Nor do we, Happy Toast, but we're glad
you did.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Terminator_Emusis_I_have...
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: USVSTH3M
The other 'b3ta-ish' project
* 24 EXPERIENCES OF LOSING WEIGHT - your Ginger
Fuhrer has written a thingie about losing
weight (then gaining it again - the fat fuck)
http://goo.gl/0OFST4
* ARE YOU DOWN WITH THE KIDS? - 12 questions
that rate whether you're up to date.
http://games.usvsth3m.com/down-with-the-kids/
* HOW MIDDLE CLASS ARE YOU? - Our 100%
scientifically-accurate test will find out how
middle-class you are, and then tell you which
British sitcom character you're like.
http://games.usvsth3m.com/how-middle-class-are-you...
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Follow @b3ta on Twitter because you're worth it.
https://twitter.com/b3ta
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Horrible Hotels
Last week we asked for more stories of your
stays in terrible hotels. Go read
notoolsovernight's description of a terrifying
French hotel that all the hip kids will be
staying in next week:
http://b3ta.com/questions/craphotels2
* UNDERCOVER STUDENT - "Mid 70s. Working as a
bellhop in the Hotel Drake Wilshire in downtown
San Francisco. Dressed as an organ grinder's
monkey, schlepping a couple of cases downstairs
for a couple.
"Standing in the lift: They are chattering away
in machine-gun Russian. I am zoning out staring
at the brassworks around the floor numbers. At
the lobby, I hold the door open for them. They
say 'Thank you' in moderately-accented English.
I give them a polite you're welcome /
'Pazhaloosta' in reply.
"The woman step around and presses the Close
Door button and then hits Stop. The guy,
chattering excitedly pushes me up against the
far wall without really touching me; asking how
much I spoke, where I learned it, etc, etc...
What the unholy fuck they were talking about, I
had no idea; desperately telling them that I
got the sum total of my Rooski from the movie
Patton, that I was a student, this was a temp
job, I wasn't a CIA operative, and certainly
not stupid enough to blow my cover if I WAS.
Took several minutes before they let me out.
Scared me no end." (shamblinthru)
* HARLOW, LAND OF MY DREAMS - After the wheels
came off, I was temporarily housed in the Oasis
Harlow. About 1 in the morning, I can hear some
woman walking round knocking at people's doors,
screaming 'I need some fackin foil, I know you
ave, gimme sam fackin foil.' Someone shouted
'use a fackin' spoon'
"After a disturbingly long period of absolute
quiet, she pipes up "Spoon! I need a fackin
spoon, I know you've got some..." For your
amusement, go to tripadvisor and look up the
reviews of the Oasis Harlow." (woff)
* TENBY - "We 'won' a holiday in Tenby in mid
November. Gale force winds & rain all weekend,
nothing seemed to be open, and the only
entertainment was provided by a television that
we had to feed with £1 coins every 15 minutes."
(twunt face)
>> This Week - Home-Made Booze Hell <<
SpanishFly writes, "I have a 'make your own
absinthe' kit here, fucking terrified of making
it... Tell us your stories of when you got so
drunk on homemade mead you pissed in the
cupboard:
http://b3ta.com/questions/homemadebooze/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
* LONG ARTICLE ABOUT THE TYPOGRAPHY IN ALIEN -
fascinating if you're a design nerd.
http://typesetinthefuture.com/alien/
* FRAMLEY EXAMINER ADVENT CALENDAR - HappyToast
writes, "The first window made me spit coffee
everywhere."
http://www.framley.com/advertcalendar/index.html
* ARTIST LIVES IN CAVE FOR TEN YEARS - makes
weird art that can be consumed as clickbait.
Yay.
http://www.boredpanda.com/cave-carving-ra-paulette...
* THREE HOURS OF CHRIS MORRIS ON THE BBC -
worship at his comedic genius.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b04sp5pq
* CHRIS ROCK TALKS ABOUT OFFENCE IN COMEDY -
Fascinating interview with the legendary
stand-up, where he particularly concentrates on
what happens when a comedian offends people
nowadays.
http://goo.gl/Bk5DyF
* DESCRIPTION OF EVERY VIZ CHARACTER - Thanks
Wikipedia for this exhaustive listing of every
single minor character ever to appear in the
pages of Viz, with every joke carefully
explained.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Viz_comic_...
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
>> Youtube Comment Reconstruction <<
As ever, excellent YouTube comments re-enacted
by veteran British thesps in what looks like
the Downton Abbey set.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1252424
>> How a quartz watch works <<
Bloke quickly and engagingly demonstrates why
your digital watch is AMAZING and actually the
foundation of the modern technological age.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_a_quartz_watch_works
>> Super simple electric model train <<
This amazed and delighted us. make your own
model train set with just some wire, magnets
and a battery. *runs to the poundshop*
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Super_simple_electric_mo...
>> How to Remove Your Mustache <<
If you have a moustache... please don't try any
of these.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_Remove_Your_Musta...
>> CGI crowd dynamics <<
This is what happens when an endless crowd of
people surges into a slowly-rotating metal bar.
Oddly mesmerising, although we reckon *some* of
them would get up again.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/CGI_crowd_dynamics
>> Bing Crosby Sings Death Metal <<
This, quite obviously, should have been titled
'Black Christmas'. Honestly, we're impressed by
how effortless the great man makes it looks to
growl and snarl.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1251993
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the 'Art Damage' challenge
Last week we asked you to break or even fix
famous pieces of art.
Your favourites included:
* Shalott: struck down by a ginger pussy
(Rubber Dubya)
http://b3ta.com/board/11117046
* MONDRIAN: Smashing art from
(Barryheadwound)
http://b3ta.com/board/11116053
* HOGAN: He’s back and he’s giving Brian
Sewell a run for his money.
(Ninj)
http://b3ta.com/board/11116032
All these images, and a load more can be
found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/artdamage/popular/
>> New challenge: Personal Christmas Cards <
This week we're looking at the awful photo
Christmas cards that politicians and other
public figures send and then making our own.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/peoplechristmascards/
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Join: [email protected]
Leave: [email protected]
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Follow @b3ta on Twitter and win a sex with a sexy
person.
https://twitter.com/b3ta
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by MrRoborobot,
notoolsovernight, robneymcplum, CysticSpazzGland,
Tab Hunter, Frogbeat, pissflaps, monkeon,
PhosphorBurnedEyes, simbosan.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via CanonCaliber.
Top tip via NoStrings.
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TOP TIP:
Middle-aged men! Make people think that you've
just been to the toilet, by using a cotton bud
to dab a drop of water onto the front of your
trousers.
