NEWSLETTER: BIRDS DO IT BEES DO IT, LET'S GET EATEN BY A MASSIVE SPIDER
This Week:
* HOUSEMATES - from Hell
* BLADERUNNER - props on show
* SHIT ROBOTS - being shit
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving our
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | breath and
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| going blue"
B3ta email 656 - 20th Mar 2015
Read this issue pretending to be bus:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue656
Friends : [email protected]
Enemies : [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Don't buy Farage's book but do read the reviews
This week Farage published his new book today
and nearly 500 people have reviewed in an orgy
of mockery and sock puppet defences. Best
review? "A poundshop meinkampf"
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/184954863...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: ADD B3TA ON FACEBOOK
OK about 8 years late but we've decided to make
a page on The Facebook - in theory it'll show
frontpaged images and we'll also use it to
announce newsletters, challenges and the
Question of the Week.
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
Next week we hope to launch our MySpace page.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Stuff! Nonsense!
* DINOSAURS BY RATHERGOOD - Joel writes, "This
is definitely the best thing we have ever made.
Definitely. I'd really like someone to
commission us to make more of these. They are
enormous fun to do but too time-consuming to
keep doing them without financial help innit."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dinosaurs_Terrible_Lizar...
* CATCHPHRASE QUIZ - davidhomfray writes, "I've
rejigged something I made a while ago, so it now
works/fits nicely on mobile devices... Well, it
works /fits nicely on the devices I've tested it
on, anyways."
http://stoopido.hostoi.com/TCCQMobile.html
* VOYAGE INTO THE SHARD - Pig Face Turnip
investigates...
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Mysteries_of_The_Deep_3
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Housemates from Hell III
Last week we asked for more horrors that you'd
lived with. The smelly, the oversexed and the
socially inept seem attracted to you lot for
some reason:
http://b3ta.com/questions/housematesIII
* KNICKER-BOILER - "My (now) wife shared a
house with a girl who thought the only way to
keep her knickers clean was to boil them. In
the saucepan you normally cook your pasta in,
stirring them with the big wooden spoon from
the kitchen drawer.
"When challenged, she irritatedly said that
she'd been using that pot and spoon for months
and no-one had complained about it yet."
(Smale)
* POOR KEVIN - "I shared a flat with Joel
Veitch once. He wasted loads of electricity
because he couldn't sleep without the fan
heater on and once dismembered a rabbit in the
kitchen and left a bloody message on the walls,
"Clean the kitchen you scummy bastards."
"However I rather liked him and encouraged him
to behave very badly indeed which means we
were probably the housemates from hell to the
other guy there. Sorry Kevin." (rob)
* ACROTWAT - "We'd known each other since we
were 5 and we were best mates. She'd had a
troubled upbringing and she was always looking
for validation and attention.
"So when some friends came over and she wasn't
the centre of attention she ran off to her
room. And came back dressed in a bikini and a
raincoat.
"And proceeded to do cartwheels through the
living room. Straight through a glass door.
Straight to A&E." (Nanny Pat)
>> This Week - Sexual Disasters <<
Tell us the tales of your sexual disasters. We
won't judge. We'll just get people to vote on
how awful your life has been so far:
http://b3ta.com/questions/sexcapes/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
* BUY A PENIS LOGO - Jimski writes, "Good to
see the newsletter back - it's a little ray of
light on a Friday. Anyway, just saw this and I
thought you may have taken on a new career...."
http://www.penised.com/
* ALIEN VS POOH - a literary mash-up that'll
probably end up published by Penguin.
http://godxiliary.com/alienvspooh/
* NICE TO SEE WIKIPEDIA KEEPING A LIST - of
musicians bottled off stage.
http://goo.gl/iGBdMM
* MODELS AND PROPS FROM BLADERUNNER - all this
would be CGI now and therefore rubbish.
http://imgur.com/a/mv8qf/layout/blog
* ARE YOU OLD? PRINT THIS OUT FOR YOUR (WO)MAN
CAVE - post-punk heroes reimagined as Marvel
heroes.
http://goo.gl/a5w40e
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You've got until 20th April to reg to vote in
#ge2015 if you haven't already. Remember: you
can't spoil your ballot with shit and piss if
you're not registered in first place.
https://www.gov.uk/register-to-vote
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like a Casio Watch TV but without the strap
* THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE COMING UP ON SOME VERY
HARD DRUGS - he's going to have a sore head in
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Morning_Ravers:2
* SPONGEBOB FEELS THE BASS - it's basically a
kids' TV drugs special this week.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Spongebob_bass_pants
* DESIGNERS USE PHOTOSHOP 1.0 - ok this is an
ad for Adobe wank but it made us nostalgic.
Now get some writers to use WordPerfect 5.1 -
their main problem would be not being able to
look at Twitter to lift stories.
http://youtu.be/TtA46JT2q_0
* SHIT ROBOTS BEING SHIT - a compilation that'll
amuse you, lolling you into a false sense of
security before the singularity happens.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1286999
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Ok, not funny and not cornery
* Paulsli asks, "Have you ever come across a
more aptly-named solicitor?"
http://www.wrighthassall.co.uk
* Notorious P I G writes, "I was inspired by
your latest medical funny name, my memory dug up
a distant recollection that I sniggered at
whilst a wee small lad, (make sure you check out
his speciality)."
http://goo.gl/fmwV3s
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: THE BULLSHIT PUBLISHED ON AMAZON THESE DAYS
Well, it's sort of amusing
The ease of self-publishing on Amazon and the
fact people will send around funny-sounding
Amazon products on social media has opened a
publishing opportunity.
It would appear more and more people are
putting out bizarro sex novels, presumably not
because they are sexually excited by toasters
but because they reckon making people laugh
will earn them a few quid.
And three is a trend:
* POUNDED BY THE GAY FEDORAS
Looks like someone is laughing at Men's Rights
Activists. Which is fair enough - they are
laughable.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00UQNCM2...
* CONQUERED BY CLIPPY
Actually the sequel to 'Taken by the Tetris
Blocks', looking forward to 'Mounted by Manic
Miner'
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00UJ01WB...
* TAKEN BY THE TOASTER
We mentioned this one last week, written by a
B3tan.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00TMVO2G...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the 'Cats in film' challenge
Last week we asked to see feline infused
cinematic masterpieces.
Your favourites included:
* Werecat: John Landis’ London classic. (monkeon)
http://b3ta.com/board/11139783
* Spinner: Do Androids dream of Electric cats
(Clueless Egg Cunt)
http://b3ta.com/board/11139583
* Beauty: Nice nipple coverage. (Shallows)
http://b3ta.com/board/11139781
All these images, and a load more can be found
here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/catfilms/
>> New challenge: Music Sequels <<
Films are always getting follow ups, songs and
albums less so. We’re fixing that this week
with Nevermind 2, Return to the Dark Side of
the Moon and many more...
http://b3ta.com/challenge/musicsequels/
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Winners: [email protected]
Sinners: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by MrRoborobot,
tubaman, Frogbeat, fred zeppelin, sinisterduck,
peeliochet, jonofthesouth, PhosphorBurnedEyes.
Image challenge by HappyToasy. QOTW via
McChinaman, Ms Shenanigans & PhillieJoe.
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SHAVING TIP:
Monkeon writes, "I read in Neil Gaiman's blog
that if you want a clean shave, then rub your
stubble with hair conditioner, leave for a
couple of minutes and then shave. I tried it
last night, and it really works."
