NEWSLETTER: "WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU CUT A CENTIPEDE INTO FIVE PIECES? TWENTYPEDES"
"What do you get if you cut a centipede into five pieces? Twentypedes"
This Week:
* ART - "I Put A Pigeon In A Box"
* VIDEO - World's most un-viral dog
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - British Superheroes
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "What do you call a
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | financially savvy
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| centipede? Footsie 100."
B3ta email 662 - 1 May 2015
Read this issue whilst pretending to be a cat:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue662
Tweet b3ta on Myspace:
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
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: SPOSORED LINK
Trailer Park Boys - Live On Stage
Stars from the Hit TV show are coming to the UK,
from Gropecunt lane to Ticklecock bridge. A show
Perfect for anyone who likes swearing Candians,
nudity and meth.
Get on your Chicken Bike along to...
http://kililive.com/artists/trailer-park-boys
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Other than making sweet love and jam
* "I PUT A PIGEON IN A BOX", write zef, "Isn't
he pretty?" Our satire-dar is sensing Damien
Hirst-esque ideas at play here. Maybe Charles
Saatchi will buy it?
http://www.zef.so/feathered/
* WORLD'S MOST UNVIRAL DOG - fred zeppelin
writes, " Otter the Dog wouldn't like
skateboarding. She's not really into anything
that much."
http://bit.ly/please-go-viral-little-doggy-please
* SHIT RAINBOW BLOG - tomcookie writes, "My
tumblr of badly-drawn rainbows with rants as to
why they're wrong."
http://badrainbows.tumblr.com/
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: B3TA ON FACEBOOK
This week we've been amusing ourselves writing
shit "What's your X name?" things.
* What's your "Regional Bus Company" name?
http://bit.ly/beepbeepticketsplease
* What's your 'birth' name?
http://bit.ly/amazing-how-do-they-do-this
* What's your 'e-mail' name?
http://bit.ly/so-clever-so-amazong
* What's your Tory name?
http://bit.ly/yeah-tories-they-are-nice
Yeah. Join us. JOIN US.
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the 'Celebrity Death 2'
challenge
Last week we asked you to imagine awful
deaths for your most disliked celebs.
Our favourites included:
* McCartney: Always look before you cross.
(Tribs)
http://b3ta.com/board/11147163
* Grylls: Gentle Ben fires up the barbie.
(The Twisted Omentum)
http://b3ta.com/board/11147506
* Farage: on his voyage to self destruction.
(monkeon)
http://b3ta.com/board/11148068
All these images, and a load more can be
found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/celebdeath2/
>> New challenge: Celebrity Deaths 2 <<
People are crazy for Marvel and DC's very
American superheroes, but the British
superheroes of literature have been somewhat
lacklustre. Design an impressive but still
very British super goodie or baddie..
http://b3ta.com/challenge/britsupers/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
* Scary peice on the future of journalism in the
facebook world. We're partly linking this to
remember to watch the hour long video at the end.
http://bit.ly/you-work-for-facebook-now
* The guy who writes the headlines at 'The
Argus' is a clickbait genius.
http://bit.ly/yay-for-the-argus-you-make-us-lol
* Pretentious-O-Meter is a clever little idea
for a site - it compares the public ratings of
films with the critics and concludes whether a
film is pretensions or mass market. You'll enjoy
spending 5 mins typing in a list of your
favourite films.
http://pretentious-o-meter.co.uk/
* Can someone build a bot that replies to all
news stories on Twitter with how old they look?
http://how-old.net/
* Comment is Weird. Odd parodies of Guardian
Comment is Free posts. Is this funny? Is this
shit?
http://commentisweird.tumblr.com/
* Scottish Grindr users on the 2015 general
election
http://bit.ly/now-lets-ask-mumsnet-about-anal-sex
* Colouring for Grown-Ups
http://imgur.com/gallery/apqc7
* Hit up page 105 of the manual and zoom in on
the text on the phone...
http://bit.ly/be-careful-what-you-screengrab
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Follow @b3ta on Twitter. Why? Because you'll get
funny pictures in your feed.
https://twitter.com/b3ta
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like websites that wobble about a bit
* JOKER'S NEW TATTOOS - there's been much mirth
this week about the unlikeliness of anyone
getting tattoos like that.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Jokers_New_Tattoos
* GRRRRRRRR! - Don't mess with kitties dimmer,
he's trying to eat.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Grrrrrrrrrrrr
* HOMEPRIDE ADVERT - recut as a horror trailer.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* RAPEY MJ - occasional B3tan David Firth has
recut some old Jacko footage to make him look
like a rapist. His management have kicked it off
YouTube with a, "This video is no longer
available due to a copyright claim by SME." But
it's been copied elsewhere.
http://www.liveleak.com/view
* THE PRIVATE GENTLEMEN'S YACHT CLUB
'Biscuitkünt' - "Some friends of mine have made
this", writes yehyeh72a "and it's mint!"
http://youtu.be/T2-uEHL2zjo
* CONSERVATIVE POLITICIANS NEVER DO UNUSUAL
MEDIA APPEARANCE - to attempt to reach voters
who ignore other channels...
https://www.youtube.com/watch
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: LOOKALIKE
Noddy Holder and Germaine Greer
In other news Noddy Holder is slowly morphing
into Germaine Greer. (Thanks to Kat Elliott for
pointing this out.)
http://bit.ly/the-fate-of-all-men-as-they-age
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Introducing a lady with a lovely surname
ProjectWeasel writes, "One for the 'funny name'
corner - Polish fashion designer EVE MINGE. If
you scroll to the bottom of her homepage you get
a nice quote too - 'the magical world of Eva
Minge is a mixture of passion, timeless design
and wide creativity.'"
http://bit.ly/fanny-name-corner
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Songs that mention "hands" that are improved when
replaced with "feet":
* I Want To Hold Your Feet
* Grandma's Feet
* Lay Your Feet On Me
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Yes, there's more, so much more!
* GENERAL AFFECTION SONG - old B3tonian
@swedemason has done this for Sky News. It's
pretty good.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* ALIENS CARTOON - scoppied writes, "I didn't
make this animation, based on a certain sci-fi
franchise that's seen better days - my absurdly
talented little sister iscoppie did. She'd never
put her stuff forward to you guys herself as
she's too modest, but I fucking will. This
latest video of hers took her months of work and
is highly entertaining, geeky and irreverent, so
I thought you'd like to see it. I'm sure she'd
be cool with you putting it in the newsletter,
and indeed not putting in the newsletter, so do
whichever you think more appropriate."
https://www.youtube.com/watch#t=265
* MAD ALIENS BLOKE - dekka10 writes, "I made
this video to mock Giorgio and his ideas in
front of a few friends a while ago. I noticed
that people on the internet liked it. I thought
I'd fork it over to you if you ever run dry on
ideas for one of your Friday newsletters
(kissy-kissy)."
https://www.youtube.com/watch
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories
* THANKS! - paultashby writes, "Just wanted to
say thanks for mentioning Derek and Wilf's book
Dear Mr Le Bon in last weeks mail. The
kickstarter has reached the not inconsiderable
16k it needed to fund 7 days ahead of schedule
and there are now some very happy pensioners in
the Bournemouth area, who are looking forward to
having their living rooms full of books and not
being able to find their slippers for jiffy
bags. Appreciated."
* TOP TIP CORRECTION - The Magic of Chutney
writes, "Piss on your garden. It adds nitrogen.?
This not a great way of distributing all that
lovely nitrogen in an efficient fashion. Besides
someone might see you stood with your cock out
in the middle of the lawn at 2 in the afternoon,
and that can lead to all sorts of trouble! No,
Piss onto the compost heap instead (or if you
have one of those plastic "dalek" type
composters, widdle into that) It has the bonus
feature of accelerating decomposition too!"
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: SHIT VIRAL CONTENT GENERATOR!
Just imagine this so we don't have to make it
[X] photos of [news thing] improved by [TV show]
quotes
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YES! [email protected]
ANTI-YES! [email protected]
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: SPOSORED LINK (LET'S REPEAT IT, OK!)
Trailer Park Boys - Live On Stage
Stars from the Hit TV show are coming to the UK,
from Gropecunt lane to Ticklecock bridge. A show
Perfect for anyone who likes swearing Candians,
nudity and meth.
Get on your Chicken Bike along to...
http://kililive.com/artists/trailer-park-boys
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Master_Slob,
MrRoborobot, tits & mutated monty. Image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. Subjlols via Doghorse. Top tip via
robneymcplum.
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Friend b3ta on Facebook for fun times:
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
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TOP TIP:
MEN: If, for a reason that at the time seemed a
perfectly logical dare, DONT stand on something
to enable you to put your penis into a Dyson
Airblade hand dryer, as it feels like its
ripping the skin off and is still tender the
following day.
