NEWSLETTER: "IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND ROYALTY FREE IMAGES OF THE QUEEN"
This Week:
* FUNNY STORIES - your faves
* ANIMATRONIC - nose-penis rap
* PTSD - with original 70s-era Action Man
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Did we ever get round
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | to saving the web?
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| Memory fails us."
B3ta email 668 - 26th June 2015
Read this after inhaling botty fumes:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue668
Friend b3ta on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
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: SPONSORED LINK
Racing Post Horse Name Generator
Harness powerful science to learn if you're a
Northumberland Chorizo or a Back Door Merkel.
Learn your racehorse name and rating here:
http://bit.ly/nagname
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than celebrating being closer to death
>> Anarchy in the FB <<
Puntastic nonsense from Merkinhead: Facebook
"sings" the Sex Pistols.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Anarchy_in_the_Fb
>> The Knitwit Show <<
Pi Bennett has animated some wool into quite
the collection of short comedy sketches.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Knitwit_Show_in_a_sh...
>> He-Man in his twilight years <<
Fray Brentos writes, "A few years back, I
posted up a couple of cartoons that I'd written
with a friend and given to Lee Healey (him off
of Viz's fantastic Drunken Bakers) to draw. He
took his bloody time, I can tell you. Asked him
for 3 cartoons, it took him 4 years to finish."
It was worth the wait.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/He_Man_In_His_Twilight_Y...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Funny Stories
Last week we wanted your favourite funny
anecdotes. Perhaps we were asking for this; the
winners' tales are amazing, but far too long to
do justice in the newsletter. Instead you can
find them at:
http://b3ta.com/questions/fuhkneestorees/
Here's a selection of our favourites:
* DEDICATION - "I once shit myself when the
computer game I was playing didn't have a pause
button. I think I must have been about 13."
(Baggenfock)
* SHOE - "When I was at primary school, an
emergency assembly was called one day. The
headmistress explained that a day shoe had been
found in the urinals of the boys' lavatory. And
inside this abandoned garment was...'A POO'.
"Surely all that was needed to uncover the
identity of this faecal terrorist was to
inspect the feet of the assembled throng: find
a one-shoed boy and you had your phantom
crapper bang to rights.
"But this is where the mystery deepened, for
you see there was no mono-shod logger to be
found. The perfect crime. To this day only our
excremental Banksy himself knows his identity."
(Richard mcbeef)
* STRAWBERRIES - I ate a huge pile of fresh
strawberries for tea. Cycling to work next
morning I felt the need to pass wind. I stood
up on the pedals a bit and discreetly let rip.
However, instead of a ladylike fart I felt a
sudden torrent of hot shit.
"I decided to head back home, trusting that
nobody had seen my performance. No such luck. A
car followed me all the way home, where I found
that the mess had shot right up my back,
staining my fancy hi-viz cycling shirt a
striking shade of brown. (Juan Quar)
>> This Week – FESTIVALS II <<
Yes it's that time of year again and it's been
a long while since we asked: regale us with
your festival tales.
http://b3ta.com/questions/festivalsII/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the '25x25' challenge
Last week B3tard Smash Monkey offered to knit a
blanket of any design up to 25 by 25 woolly
squares.
Your favourite results included:
* Bridge: Classic photoshoppery soon to be
seen in wool. (Blobcat)
http://b3ta.com/board/11157550
* Spectrum: You can almost hear the blanket
loading. (monkeon)
http://b3ta.com/board/11157359
* Quo: If only it came in denim .
(HappyToast)
http://b3ta.com/board/11157351
All these images, and a load more can be
found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/25x25/
>> New challenge: Wigs <<
This week we're tackling toupées and wrestling
W(r)igs. Photoshop some funny head-hair; we'll
even welcome comedy fake beards.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/wigs/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
* Fridge Henge - Good work, oh drunken druids of
Kent, good work
http://bit.ly/danger-of-being-crushed-by-a-dwarf
* "Blue Mint Indian Restaurant & Brothel" - a handy
combination. We accept this is probably not real
but it amused us to find it on Google Maps.
http://bit.ly/curry-first-sex-later-we-reckon
* A colour vision test game. Despite this
writer being red/green colour-blind, it rated
us as "Superb. You wouldn't have any problems
surviving in the jungle." So that's something
to bear in mind if this newsletter business
ever goes REALLY bad.
http://wvw.igame.com/eye-test/
* These pin-sharp images of people in traffic
jams in 1980s London time-machined us to our
childhood.
http://bit.ly/we-recognise-every-car
* Plumber commissions rap to promote his
business. Wonder if it works? This is certainly
more Bristol-based plumbing content than we
normally include.
http://www.iansmithheatingengineers.co.uk/
* Best prank ever? In 1974, this chap set old
tyres on fire in the crater of a dormant
volcano. There's a fine line between 'the
bants' and actual terrorism.
http://bit.ly/this-is-probably-terrorism
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like a 14" TV with a huge remote glued to base
* DJ Anklepants and his animatronic nose penis
is our new jam. (We couldn't sit through much
of this, simply impressed that this is
someone's actual act).
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* "The senior blower is back at his glory
hole". We were only looking up how marbles are
made. We certainly didn't expect this UTTER
FILTH.
https://youtu.be/1cXy7gxUtbU
* Action Man: Battlefield Casualties - a dark
take on PTSD in the Army presented with 1970s
kids' toys.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Action_Man_Battlefield_C...
* Running a half-marathon in Tennessee? What
you need is some genteel encouragement from the
spectators - Deliverance-style.
http://bit.ly/commitment-to-a-joke
* Weird How To video about a fish. We wanted
to dislike it then found ourselves sucked in.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_Bit
* Cat takes unexpected trip on light airplane.
Made us anxious: so you don't suffer our
anxiety [SPOLIERS] it all ends fine.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Kitty_stowaway
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Estate agent anti-lols
So your name is Alan Sadick - we've checked
and 'sadick' really IS a surname. All well and good
until you register your name as a URL:
http://www.alansadick.com/
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: 21ST CENTURY INSULT
Your content is both original and viral, but
your original content is not viral and your
viral content is not original.
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Friends: [email protected]
Bastards: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
@iaintait, PhosphorBurnedEyes, Tusk,
wakeupandsmellthebacon, jingle_man,
disconnected, notoolsovernight &
@ImVincentMurphy.
Topus-tipus via baying cyber-mob
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Friend b3ta on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
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TOP TIP:
Moths: There's PLENTY of light about during
the day if you could be arsed to get up
earlier, you lazy fucks.
