NEWSLETTER: "WE'RE STILL NOT DEAD. FOR THE SECOND WEEK RUNNING"
"It's a B3ta Newsletter!"
This Week:
* VID - Animals Almost Do the Funniest Things
* CHAT - with ace film director Ben Wheatley
* APOCALYPSE - Your Letters of Last Resort
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shaving
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | the yak
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ... together"
B3ta email 672 - 12 May 2017
Read this issue using your eye holes:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue672
Friend b3ta on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
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: HELLO AGAIN!
We were overwhelmed by the response last week.
So many people wrote in to say how pleased they
were to see us back so fuck it let's do it again.
This week we've got a HUGE Ben Wheatley interview,
A sweary bot, and some brilliant projects we
missed in our 18 month silence.
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: BEN WHEATLEY INTERVIEW
"I remember the first B3ta bash"
As we all know Ben was once a keen B3ta boarder
and now he's a successful film director. So what
better time to phone him up than 10am on a
Friday morning and start asking him questions?
It was lovely to chat with him - he's such a warm,
friendly chap - 45 minutes of joy.
http://b3ta.com/blog/ben-wheatley-interview/
BTW: We were so excited about committing to
Doing B3ta newsletter again we decided to
interview Wheatley, then it was so long, we had
to break it out into a blog format. Effectively
accidentally launching a blog. Oops!
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: BONUS JOKE
Getting a knighthood must be a lovely sirprize
@glowypanda
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: INTRODUCING THE SWEAR CLOCK
It's fucking time to cunting swear
Your Ginger Fuhrer has made a "swear clock"
Twitter bot. Follow it and get sweary time
updates every hour.
Recent highlights include:
* Hump My Minge With A Dr White Size One
Sanitary Towel It's 10:30AM
* Spunk On A Small Clay Pot It's 7:30PM
* Shit On My Penile Shaft And Call Me Nicholas
Witchell It's 1:30PM
It's a significant development in both swearing
and time telling technology.
http://twitter.com/swearclock
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK
Other than sinister threats to sheep
>> Animals Almost Do the Funniest Things <<
Dogfood has a made a totally nuts video that's
clearly parodying the viral videos - oh just
watch it, it's insane and will make your brain
hurt.
http://b3ta.com/links/1437525
>> Have a Look <<
Chipping Sodbury writes, "Here's a compilation
of recent animated bits and pieces." This
fucking rocks and the quick turnaround of jokes
will keep you entertained. If only all comedy
was this pacey.
http://b3ta.com/links/1436473
>> Weird but good felted-art creations <<
Pagetty Pol writes, "I've made needle felted
version of my illustrations."
https://edclews.com/blog/needle-felted-animal-illu...
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: 'XYLOPHONE BUGGERY' VS A THESAURUS RANDOMISER
* Harpsichord penis fencing
* Pennywhistle anal sex
* Saxophone penis fencing
* Zither incest
* Clarinet felching
Yes. This is really how we spend our time.
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: B3TA PROJECTS FROM THE SILENCE
Great stuff you missed because no newsletter
Ok we were silent for 18 months but the b3tans
didn't stop creating so here's just two of the
best things they did. (There's loads more but it
would be nuts to list about 145 things in one
go.)
* WHAT LETTER WOULD YOU WRITE TO SUBMARINE
CAPTAINS ONLY TO BE READ IF UK WIPED OUT? Matt
Round writes "Apocalyptic nuclear dread is the
latest '80s thing to be back in fashion, so I
thought I'd add to the misery. And it's a weird
little secret thing, Theresa May might've drawn
a picture of a My Little Pony in hers for all we
know." This is so good and Matt Round is a
fucking genius. Fact.
https://mattround.com/letters-of-last-resort/
* DONALD TRUMP AS MR MEN. This from S4RK is so
good we read it to the official B3ta children.
Not even joking. They loved it.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11219672
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If the Earth was flat, cats would have pushed
everything off it by now. @jelenawoehr
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE:
Make Corbyn Electable
Seeing as the The Labour Party can't do it we've
decided to get B3tans to help Jeremy Corbyn win
the election. It's in the bag now. The
professionals are here. Do your best B3tans -
your country depends on you.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/corbynelectable/popular/
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: BUY MUSHYBEES T-SHIRTS
But the fuck out of them NOW.
B3ta veteran Mushybees has been making t-shirts and
they are superb - she's making about 9 a day and
screen printing them by hand. You can see the
designs on the Esty page:
Designs include "vegan killjoy" and "fuck this shit":
https://www.etsy.com/people/beesesteeses
In the interests of full disclosure we're partly
running this to get a free t-shirt ourselves - she
said she'd make us a "xylophone buggery" one, a
Buffy's Swearing T-shirt if you will.
She's well, thanks for asking - we went off
to see a comedy show with her the other day,
still the same old lovely pillock.
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: AFFILIATED LINK
Phone battery case - yes really
Our phone battery has gone up the shit-nozzle
and only lasts a few hours but we've found we
can get a full day out of it again by using a
case with a built-in battery. "But," you might
say "that'll make it heavier". You are right but
it works and it's easier than getting it fixed.
Shit solutions are us.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B01L1C1Z...
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Why did the Chuckle Brothers join British Gas?
To meter you. @sam_bambs
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: DELETED WIKIPEDIA ARTICLES WITH 'FREAKY' TITLES
All true
* Amazing face on rock that looks like hitler
* An article that contains nothing but a full stop
* An old dude who lives in Central America
* Being saddled with a bad husband
* BEWARE THE GREEN MONKEY
* Bring your Pez dispenser to work day
* Diarrhea of a genius
* Donald Trump (planet)
* Do you stock battletoads
* Geography of pigs
* Honey, We Disemboweled Grandma
* List of bands beginning with the word "lemon"
Many more here. Oh so many.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Deleted_ar...
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: HOW TO TALK COMEDY WRITER
A lexicon of words comedy writers make up to
Help their craft
* "STRAIGHT REVERSAL" - A joke construction
that's very useful in topical comedy, where the
premise of the gag is more or less a comical
inversion of a real news story. So, after the
day when the big topic was the doctor who was
dragged off a United Airlines flight,
Daftynews.com ran the spoof headline 'Outcry as
shocking scenes emerge of passenger being
dragged onto Ryanair flight'.
* "NOT THIS BUT" - When you suggest something
obvious, crap, or half-formed, hoping that it'll
get the idea ball rolling and lead to something
better.
* "ZAMMO" – a pop culture reference gag that
works in the writers' room but plays to painful
silence in front of a more youthful audience. This
comes from Charlie Brooker. On 10 O'Clock Live,
a joke was written which mentioned 'Zammo' at
the laugh point. It went down well with the
team, but Charlie delivered it to utter silence
on live TV. Nobody knew who the fuck Zammo was.
This and many more from Adny Riley - he who
wrote Bunny Suicides - on the best blog post
we've read in years. Needs to be a book, radio
show and talk. So good.
http://misterandyriley.com/2017/03/31/how-to-talk-...
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Welcome to clickbait club. You're not going to
believe the first rule. @Nickkay180
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: SITES IN BEEF
Yes, linky bollocks for your clicky-lols
* The sign abusers are back again in Kettering
https://twitter.com/Dan_Lee85/status/8627373689771...
* So "Mommy, Why Is There a Server in the
House?" is an actual book!?
https://twitter.com/peterc/status/8627560797757440...
* Are You "Pro Nuclear Holocaust and Freedom to
Masturbate in Public"? Herd of Chickens writes,
"but feel that there isn't a political party
that represents you? Of course you are, you are
on B3TA. Requires some time travel to vote."
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/South_West_Surrey_by...
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like TV but even shittier
* With Eurovision upon us we're reminded of this
terrible, insane, brilliant entry from 2012
about "social media". Yes they didn't want to
say Twitter or Facebook and ended up with this
awkward mess. Glorious.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* A whole music video and tune made in 265 bytes
on a C64. Unbelievable.
https://linusakesson.net/scene/a-mind-is-born/
* BOB MORTIMER MAKES UP FUNNY SONG FOR TWITTER
Bootsthealchemist writes, "Bob Mortimer kicking
it large on Twitter."
https://twitter.com/RealBobMortimer/status/8608746...
* 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY - THE ANIMATED SERIES -
From the files of Mr Biffo's Found Footage comes
the long-lost pilot episode of Stanley Kubrick's
2001: A Space Odyssey - The Animated Series.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* Concorde's Takeoff Inside the Cockpit:
http://b3ta.com/links/1438116
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Best Childhood Memories
OK - we'll experiment with bringing the QOTW
back shall we?
No promises it won't be shit. Let's give it a
go.
"I once sent a painting into Why Don't You."
says B3ta veteran Chickenlady. "They didn't show
it on the tv programme, or mention me at all,
but I got a nice letter back from them. That
made 5 year old me very happy."
http://b3ta.com/questions/BestChildhoodMemories
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
* IMPROVE TWITTER - Write code that retweets
A viral tweet AND mutes the conversation in one
click. Retire a millionaire.
* MAKE A VIDEO CLICKY PEN VIDEO - We just found
a song your newsletter team of Rob & Dave wrote
in 2009. Called "Clicky Pen.". It's about having
a clicky pen. We always meant to do a video for
it but then forgot. Maybe you can be arsed?
Maybe you can't, but it would make an old
newsletter team very happy.
https://twitter.com/robmanuel/status/8619135696124...
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: FOLLOW UPS ON PREVIOUS STORIES
* B3tan Dr Dunno is up for an award for a
magazine cover he designed - he who did the
brilliant Sgt Pepper 2016 death tapestry writes,
"You can vote every day on multiple devices and
browsers. I don't stand a chance because of
this. Can you imagine how many keyboard warriors
Empire or Pro Cycling will have voting every
day? Silly idea, public vote." Anyway vote
for the European / Brexit / Please wait one.
http://archive.ppa.co.uk/events/ppaawards2017/cove...
* SHARDCORE'S BREXORCIST - 22nd May 2017 - Brighton.
B3tans will remember Shardcore - he once cooked
a pig's head and more recently he's made absolute
shitloads of bots. And now? He's made a musical
about Brexit. "The show is basically Alan Moore's
fault - he told us to stop procrastinating and do
Something - so we did this."
https://www.brightonfringe.org/box-office/shows/vi...
* WE ASKED FOR MPS WE STUPID NAMES - Gibberer
writes, "In the US we had 'Lawmakers Fry, Moore,
Bacon sponsor bill honoring pork producers' Also
Welcome back! You were missed!"
Thanks. We missed doing this shit too.
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: CREDIT
Edited by Rob Manuel & David Stevensons.
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Follow b3ta on Twitter:
https://www.twitter.com/b3ta
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TOP TIP: STRUGGLING TO BUY FAGS BECAUSE YOU
DON'T LOOK OLD ENOUGH?? - Take the tobacconist to
the nearest bus stop, and when the bus arrives
attempt to get on paying for a half fare ticket.
While the bus driver and tobacconist argue over
how old you are, go back to the shop and steal
the desired cigarettes. (HairyBaldy, 11 votes)
Add your own 'top tip' at:
http://b3ta.com/questions/toptips
