NEWSLETTER: "WHY IS THE NEWSLETTER LATE WHEN WE PAY SOME SAD FUCK TO WRITE IT?"
"WHY IS THE NEWSLETTER LATE WHEN WE PAY SOME SAD FUCK TO WRITE IT?"
This Week:
* DANNY DYER SOUNDBOARD - Pwopa nawty noises
* ASHENS' FILM - Free to watch online
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - Trump's visit
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "After saving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | we're planning to
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| save Teletext & WAP"
B3ta email 684 - 6 Jul 2018
Read this issue pretending to be a bat:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue684
-------------------------------------------------
: DANNY DYER SOUNDBOARD
Pwopa Nawty Noises
This significant advance in cockney technology
will allow you generate Dyerisms from your
phone, desktop or phablet. BTW: We enjoyed
putting this together, there's something
delightful perverse about making a soundboard
in 2018, but we're on a one-website mission to
make the Internet fun again.
https://b3ta.com/danny-dyer-soundboard/
-------------------------------------------------
Human testicles have receptors that can taste
sweet, salty, bitter, sour and umami flavours.
Tasticles.
-------------------------------------------------
: WEIRD WEBCAM TOY
Pretend you're scanning your face like it's '92
"I made a little toy that slit-scans using your
webcam. Walk past slowly for entertainingly
warped limbs" writes Jonty Wareing who also
recently did the rejected petitions bot we
featured. Point it out of the window for lovely
pictures of cars, or point it at your face for
horrifying three-eyed
monstrosities.
https://slitscan.space
-------------------------------------------------
Guns N' Roses name only has the single apostrophe
- after the N, hence the missing word can't be
AND as it must start with an N.
Therefore we conclude that their full name is
Guns "Number 29 Bus" Roses.
-------------------------------------------------
: IF YOU NEED PR THEN CALL ED, OK?
Sponsored patreon
Maybe you need some PR? Then talk to this guy -
to vary the link we're sending you to an
interview he gave with Lifehacker.
http://bit.ly/2MUfP8k
-------------------------------------------------
: PICTURES THAT MOVE
Short gags for people with short attention spans
DrivelSieve has been animating photos and
adding sound effects. We'd say it's like Terry
Gilliam, but he's turned into an silly old
pillock, so we'll say it's a bit like B3ta from
2002.
http://bit.ly/2tZzwV5
-------------------------------------------------
If you remove the two plurals from the name Guns
'n Roses it sounds like a particularly solid pub
in the West Midlands.
The Gun And Rose.
-------------------------------------------------
: WATCH ASHENS' FILM
Quest for the GameChild
"IT HAS RETURNED. The improved Blu-Ray cut of
Ashens and the Quest for the GameChild, now on
the Ashens channel! An entire feature film you
can watch for free right now." writes one-time
B3tan Stuart Ashen. Actually, if you squint,
you can spot your B3ta editor in this - the
scene at the end where a couple of thugs beat
up a guy in prison. Yes, he is one of the
thugs, complete with IMDB credit for "dodgy
guy".
https://www.youtube.com/watch
-------------------------------------------------
: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Trump posters
Let's give people protesting against Trump
visiting the UK something to hold. Do your
worst at:
https://www.b3ta.com/challenge/protesttrump/popula...
-------------------------------------------------
: TROUSERS TROUSERS TROUSERS TROUSERS TROUSERS
Sponsored patreon
B3tans have legs. B3tans need trousers. It's a
match made in heaven.
https://hebtro.co/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BEEF
Urls that aren't much to do with us which we like
* MICROSOFT CAPTION BOT - nice bit of AI from
the munchkins who brought you Minesweeper which
attempts to add captions to photos you upload.
Refuses to work with photos of naked ladies.
But not if they're wearing bras. Yes, we tried
it.
https://www.captionbot.ai/
* NOSTALGIA OVERLOAD - Lovely collection of 60s
(and possibly 70s and 80s) postcards showing
the heyday of the British seaside resort before
the package holiday came along and destroyed
them.
http://bit.ly/2KUOQsG
* PHANTOM ISLANDS - artefacts of the age of
maritime discovery and colonial expansion.
During centuries of ocean exploration these
islands were sighted, charted, described and
even explored – but their existence has never
been ultimately verified. Fascinating stuff and
well worth an explore.
http://andrewpekler.com/phantom-islands/
* VOODOO WEB SCIENCE - An incredible
experimental tool that allows you to encode
small webpages inside a URL. The secrets of the
universe are in this thing if you could just
guess the address.
http://about.bitty.site
* 50 SHADES OF BLOCK CHAIN - what do you get if
you force a bot to read Fifty Shades of Grey
and a ton of cryptocurrency whitepapers? Some
lols.
https://twitter.com/blockshade/status/101433865336...
* GAY HISTORY THREAD - fascinating Twitter
thread where someone finds a load of gay rights
badges in a loft and... you read it.
https://twitter.com/gawanmac/status/10131678336840...
-------------------------------------------------
Whoever you support in this World Cup we can all
agree that ITV is a pile of shit.
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEKS' ISSUE
Make some stuff, become 'B3ta famous'
* IF ADS TOLD THE TRUTH #17 - edit Amazon Alexa
ads for accuracy and have the users repeating
all requests three times with increasing
frustration.
* THUMP TRUMP - an interactive toy that allows
people to dominate the Don.
* VHS VIDEO CHOOSER - this week we were
struggling in this world of infinite choice to
work out what to watch and we thought "wish we
could visit a video store in 1985 and select
from there." Maybe hook up some Wikipedia lists
of old VHS releases to a nice interface?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1985_in_home_video
Send your stuff to:
http://b3ta.com/mailus
-------------------------------------------------
: THANKS
Wil, Cr3, Kris, Matt Round.
Tip via ma0sm.
LInks: via The_cold_stare, Enzyme
Subjlols via @beaubodor.
Proofing from @simonmacmichael.
-------------------------------------------------
: PATREON THANKS
* JOSH MCMILLAN, * AARON HOLMES, * TOM JENKINS
BATES, * JON GRANT, * SHOWRAT , * SIMON JAMES,
* TREVOR BURTON-MCCREADIE, * MR PHIL DONNELLY,
* KATE , * JAMES PETTS, * STEWART NOLAN, * MARK
MCCREADIE, * ALEX MORRIS, * JAMES O'BRIEN.
GEORGE STEPHENSON, NAT KING COLESLAW, ANDREW
WREN, JAMES CRONIN, ALISTAIR , IAN SHEEN, NEIL
HEPBURN, MARK ADAMSON, ANDREW FLEMING, ALAN
CHARLTON, SPAZZCAPTAIN , WENDY GOODE, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, CHRIS BLAKENEY, BEVAN JOHNSON,
CRISS MORENO, JO APPS, CHRIS LOCKE, ALBERT
MARSHMALLOW, GREG MCGOWAN, RICHARD BARCLAY,
PATRICK CATES, 24-7 DEATH, TOM WRIGHT, JON
BINSTEAD, SIMON NICHOLLS, CHRIS CARLINE, BRIAN
EELES, MICHAEL TRINDER.
Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, lee burnett, Peter
Cooper, Chris Saunders, Mike Middleton, Richard
Matthias, AuntieSash Hazlewood, Jonathan
Ferguson, Brad Gregory, Graham Licence, Paul
Rose (Mr Biffo), Ed Can Do, C Bond, Fergus
McKay, Steve herman, Alex Walsh Atkins, Mick
Curtis, Craig Turner, Joshua Thomasson, Dog
Byte, Fearghas , unklefiction , Chris Gough,
fourstar , Jonty Wareing, Basel Kirmani,
Montocat , Rob Affleck, Rhys Wynne, Matt
Machell, Marina de Joslin, Jasper Koning, Ryan
Rhodes, Chris Whitworth, James Macinnes, Geoff
Tidey, John Higgs, Daniel Chote, Geoffrey
Balme, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Mark Wilson, Paul
Cherry, Nick Ross, Ian Beveridge, Alex Mastin,
Raul Arreola, Faith H. Martin, Tim Williams,
David King, Jaymie Thomas, Sam Russell,
Stephanie Radford, David Knoll, Ben Watson,
Simon Holmes, Steve P, Gaynor Clarkson, Saleem
Ahmad, nicholas martin, Chris Andrews, Jim
MacArthur, John Hammersley, Andy Yates`, Andy
Webber, Jack Barton, David Gardiner, Adam
Molloy, Simon McDougall, Craig Tonks, Anna ,
Peter Gosling, Jason Stewart, Dave Nattriss,
Philip Kinchington, Ian Boltz, Matt Drewry,
Derek ROBERTS, Robbie Lesiuk, Bertram Wooster,
Adam Inglis, James Clayton, David Harrison, Jim
Frayling, Mike Middleton, Scott S. Kramer, Joe
Simmonds, Julie Brumlik, Rob Mahon, Jamie
Borrill, Paul Leader, Ivan Kelly, Jǐm
McNǐven, Paul Healey, Andy Ashton, Tom
Rees-Williams, David Mills, Martin Beer,
midnightrambler , matsimpsk , Jim Halfpenny,
Dave Tickle, Andre Stiefenhofer, Matthew
Forman, Gareth Noyce, Chris Paterson, James
Woods, pookong , oliver bewes, Iain , Adam
Cooney, Sam Anderson, Albion Gray, Rupert Hull,
Simon Henry, Simon waterfall, Paul Westerman,
Courtenay Ferris, Andy Tillett, Essy Dave,
Martin Peache, Jerry Quartley, Bertil Hansson,
Carl Morgan, Mark Hibbett, Daniel Brown, Rich
Pope, John Matthews, JOHNNY WATTERS, Jamie
Taylor, Adrian Woodfield, Stuart Ashen, Vicki
Jakes, Jane Baker, Paul Smith, Will Goulden,
Simon Cowan, Robin Whitmore, Steven Smith,
Matthew Wilkes, John Docherty, Dan Stott,
Siobhan McNally, Bill Atkinson, Starlord
Mixtape, Gneissrocks , Steve Prowse, Tyronne
Mann, Andy Storrar, Jay Roche, Peter Willman,
Sarah Williamson, Kevin Johnston, Richard
Chamley, Tom Gleeson, Mark McGowan, Ed Cook,
Darren Stanley, Catroaster , Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Jim Woodward, Alexander Jamieson, Tom
Crick, Ben Burton, Peter Ashtray, Adam Atack,
AC , Derek Law, Mark Logue, Jon Weston, David
Catley, John Foster, Matt Buchanan, Matthew
Collinge, Joey moore, Mark Hill, Joe McNally,
Tom Ryan, Peter McMinn, Ryan Doran, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Wil Hadden, James Donnelly, Frank
Hollis, sean casely, Chris Stammers, Al
Davidson, martin mackenzie, Gus Nicol, Martin
Holloway, Mike Davis, Steve Thornton, Tim
Mouncer, peter wouda, Fraser Lewry, Matthew
Morris, Rob Vincent, Chris Shaw, Rick Lindley,
Greg Neilson, blossomshed , Jude Evans, Kev
Adams, Simon Smith, David Edmundson-Bird,
@mattdawhit , Brian Lancaster, Iain Henshaw,
Matthew Smith, Gia Milinovich, Fiona James,
Robert Hills, Natalee , Anne-Marie Scott, James
Kerry-Barnard, Greenfox , Neil de Carteret,
Stephen Waller, Luke Mepham, Stuart Alldred,
Adam Lloyd, Andrew Scheuber, Chris Branch,
Jonathan Wooddin, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, Jason Law,
Dominic Haigh, TownsendsPublisher , Steve
Anglesey, Iain Brassington, Heidi Colthup, Ross
Carter, Chris Evans, Edward Almond, James
Golbey, Johnnie Shannon, Alex Lovett, Peter
Coombe, David Ault, Kate Devlin, Alex Hayton,
James Shakespeare, Jiminy Hall, Tim Weaver,
Lisa Westhaven, James O'Malley, Emma Lay, Phil
Wade, RossOverThere , Tim Jokl, Catherine
McAllister, Steve Laker, Damien Smith, Jim
Dabell, John Faragher, Eric von Borstel,
Malcolm Franks, Richard Beckett, No Reward
Description: (None for No Reward), Nick Morgan,
Rog Sharples, Ben Brice, Iain Moffatt, Justin
Brett, Louise Allen, David Green, Riven A
Buckley, Robin , Luche , Ian Appleby, Pete ,
Tobie Fysh, Gavin Tommey, Stuart Richards,
David Barton, Jess Baker, Tom Freke, Jan
Spielhoff, Sean Flanagan, Mike Congreve, Chris
Johnson, John Field, Emma Sykes, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Ross Dobson, David Stark, Adam
Beardwood, Danny Kodicek, Dominic Le Garsmeur,
Mark Benson, Chris Goode, Andrew Robinson,
Nicky Hewgill, Michael Kitt, Tim Beachy, Rose
Johnson, Paul Topping, Connor Parslow, Daniel
Moeller, Irene Semanchuk, Alexandre Strube,
Craig Naples, Steve Bryant, Richard Speed,
Alastair Dodd, Rhys Jones, Joseph Mulvaney,
Julie Beacock, Sentient Meatbag, Dan Tasse,
peter royal, Harry Wearne, Duncan STrickland,
Andy Candler, Deny Coughlan, Russ Anderson,
Nick Kent, Jonathan , Phil H, Andrew Anderson,
Ian Silvester, Ben Webb, Graham Freeman, Dave
Gee, Peter Keelback, Wine School of
Philadelphia, John Griffiths, Nick Murdoch, Rob
Potter, James Meers, 5telios , Paul Mancini, Al
Napp, Tanya Kant, Jon Ramster, David Whittam,
Jace Otting, BSG , Andrew Harris, Chris Ward,
Adam Tickner, Peter , Emily Payne, Tim
Polglase, Ted Bowyer, Matt Carr, Bobod ,
Michael Bryan, Richard Midwinter, Neil Ives,
Mark Ryan, Ben Chapman, David Bond, Ben ,
Robert Simpson, Gary Sharp, Andy Shirling,
Fenris Games, James , Jim Lucking, mark
madgwick, Ben Sugden, Russell Webster, Sham
Courtney, Louis E, Andrea Vail, Rohan , Sam
Brown, Marc Lindberg, Hugh Noble, Nigel Ford,
Gwyn Fisher, Matt Loren, Centuries of Sound,
Amy Oliver, Christina Freeman, Paul
Braithwaite, Tom Clark, Gregg Kuljian, Richard
Abraham, Paul Slade, Alex Wrottesley, Ivan
Shiel, Claire Allen, Iain M Barker, Dan Fairs,
Tony East, Cat Conner, Jennifer Moquin, Claire
Zolkwer, Seirian Hanner, Thea Mallett, Nick ,
ben cowell-thomas, Robert Purkis, Oli , Andy
Nattan, Alex Wren, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Ilya
Čolak-Antić, Adam Kaczmarek, Mike
Carter, Daz Wright, Stewart C. Russell, John M,
P Underwood, Thepfy , Hadleigh Charles, Mark
McIntosh, Stephen Williams, Peter Wood, Darren
John Harris, Mike Booth, Simon Lumb, Tim
Knight, FuzzyFreaks , Stephen McAuley, Phil
Barns, wigglywigglyworm , Lyra Jay, Lee Ball,
Richard keeling, David Ellinor, Rachel Tougas,
Ben Groom, Mr Flibble, David Parry, Emma Nicol,
Paul Bayfield, Swedemason , Jon Bounds,
Stéphane.
-------------------------------------------------
: SOCIAL MEDIA PROMO
Block / unfriend B3ta NOW!
We've spoken to a young person (36) and they
say MySpace isn't the thing anymore and we
should get on Beebo and Friendster. So here we
are:
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
https://www.twitter.com/b3ta
-------------------------------------------------
: ANY OTHER BUSINESS?
* Sub to the newsletter via
https://www.b3ta.com/subscribe/
* Submit YOUR content to newsletter:
https://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
* Fund the newsletter via the patreon:
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
* Write a joke that we might stick in next week:
https://www.b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenaj...
TOP TIP: When you find yourself stuck with
someone talking at you incessantly. Simply tap
them on the head mid-sentence and say "snooze".
