NEWSLETTER: "IMAGINE IF TWEETS WERE 17,181 CHARS LONG..."
This Week:
* PROJECT - Mini Daily Mail
* PODCAST - White Album chat
* FILM SEQUELS - Finally, as an image challenge
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shitting the bed
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | coz why not? It's
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| warm and fuck it"
B3ta email 696 - 29th Sep 2018
Read this issue whilst felching an owl:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue696
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: HEADLINES OF THE WEEK
Sentences from the world's best journalists
* "Man 'had sex with blow-up doll' by motorway"
(BBC)
* "Some people can't believe that Meghan Markle
closed her own door" (Twitter moments)
* "Woman complains of pain in vagina, finds out
there’s a dead tortoise inside" (Metro)
* "Half-naked man led police chase across roofs
shouting 'I'm on monkey dust!'" (Birmingham
Mail)
* "Man given bionic penis ‘went into five-day
coma a week after having sex for the first
time’" (Metro)
* "Please stop having sex at the roadside -
villager's plea to amorous couple"
(Lincolnshire Live)
* "Outraged diner 'disappointed' there are no
herons at the Heron Inn - It should be renamed
No Herons Inn" (Cornwall Live)
Compiled with help from Scaryduck
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B07GL8ZDL...
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: I MADE A MINIATURE DAILY MAIL
B3tan does proper satiric art stuff. Wow.
Spellingmistakescostlives writes, "I made this
miniature Daily Mail and I'm doing a
Kickstarter to raise money to get it reprinted.
It's 24 pages but will be more pages based on
the final amount raised. You can pre-order a
copy here "
http://www.minidailymail.co.uk
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Men. Please phone each other up for a chat instead of launching new podcasts. Thank you.
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: B3TAN'S BEATLES PODCAST DOES 'WHITE ALBUM'
With David Quantick
CCC's Beatles Podcast is going great guns,
snaring Beatles fan and writer David Quantick
to talk about the White Album. We particularly
like how David pooh-poohs the "it should be
shorter" theory and then admits how many tracks
he hates. So happy 50th birthday to the LP with
one great side and three sides of bonus tracks.
https://iamtheeggpod.com/2018/09/23/episode-seven-...
BTW: If you go back to episode one you can hear
your editor Sir Robert Manuel discuss Rubber
Soul (or Rub Arsehole as he claims the muck
minded Beatles really called it.)
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This week was the first time in recorded history
that the New York Times published the word
"bonkerballs"
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: THE OFFICIAL IMAGE CHALLENGE RESULTS! YES!
Pop Adverts
Here's the best images from last week where you
made pop stars sell out like the consensual sex
workers that they are:
* Roxy Music - Savalon (Monkeon)
http://b3ta.com/board/11266693
* Ultravox - Viennetta (Monkeon again, we don't
deserve his genius.)
http://b3ta.com/board/11266724
* Sparks fans should click this one. (Scumbrian)
http://b3ta.com/board/11267127
* See all the other images from the 'Pop
Adverts' challenge - do check them out, some
good stuff there.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/popadverts
>> This week: Film Sequels <<
Unbelievably we've never actually done a film
sequels challenge. So this is it! Give us your
"Schindler's Other List", your "12 Angry Men
And A Baby" and your "Return of the Jedi
Returns"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/filmsequels
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: DO YOU NEED PR STUFF?
Patreon ad thingie
Ed does media relations that actually works.
Give him a tinkle. Using your tinkle hose.
https://www.ezpr.com/
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Real titles for 'Dragons Den' in different countries.
Croatia: Dragon's Nest
Belgium: Lion's pit
Germany: The Lions' Cave
Japan: The Tigers of Money
Israel: Sharks
US: Shark Tank
Ukraine: Business Sharks
Sri Lanka: Wall of Tuskers
Afghanistan: Dream and Achieve
Russia: KAPITAL
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: MONKEON RECOMMENDS A TV SHOW
Pls Like
In this one off feature, B3ta Stalwart Monkeon
recommends a TV show. He writes, "Not sure if
BBC3 shows now count as web stuff, but the new
series of 'Pls Like' is funny and doesn't seem
to be getting the attention it deserves - it's
a mockumentary about social media stars, not a
million miles away from People Like Us. It
seems to understand it's subject matter and so
this series is inevitably about things like
alt-right twats. Episodes are nice and short,
too!"
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p06l2nvb
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: SPINAL TAP PODCAST
"They were still booing him when we came on stage"
'This Is Spinal Tap' is officially B3ta's
favourite film and we enjoyed Rule Of Three's
podcast this week where writers Jason Hazeley &
Joel Morris with TV presenter Sue Perkins
analysed it before an audience who were quite
quiet as they were probably young and had never
seen it.
https://www.ruleofthreepod.com/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
* ABBEY ROAD DANGER CAM - the Abbey Road webcam
never fails to entertain. Tourists trying to
take photos in the middle of traffic. The whole
thing is nuts. It's the photographer who's in
the really dangerous position - middle of the
road, off the crossing and back to traffic. Of
all the unintended consequences of making a
record - encouraging people to play in traffic
50 years later is one of the oddest.
https://www.earthcam.com/world/england/london/abbe...
* TWITTER MOMENTS LOL - this is hilarious and
also illustrates a conceptual flaw in the
Twitter moments product - anyone can fill one
with nonsense and they look sorta authoritative
because Twitter went big on them as a news
format.
https://twitter.com/hrtbps/status/1044618756314415...
* BBC DOES NEWS GOOD - this is almost the
definition of public service news. Go to where
the people are. Report. Don't worry that it's
not generating clicks for a website. But it's
also very grim. Click with caution.
https://twitter.com/BBCAfrica/status/1044186344153...
* WHICH HUMAN NUMBER ARE YOU? - this really
demonstrates how quickly global population is
climbing. Nearly doubled in this editor's
lifetime. What are the odds on someone like
Jeff Bezos developing a killer virus that
reduces human population down to about 100,000
whilst his chums all hide in a sci-fi dome in
New Zealand? 100% we reckon.
http://worldpopulationhistory.org/my-population-nu...
* BLOKE SINGS 'TEQUILA' ON KARAOKE - good,
deadpan idea.
https://youtu.be/UM8pwnmcLb0
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: HOLY FUCKING PISS, FUNNY NAME CORNER IS BACK
A return from the bog like an unflushable shit
Introducing "Mr Anus" the politician who
Facebook refuses to mention because his name is
just too sphincteresque.
https://www.theguardian.com/technology/shortcuts/2...
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Urgent message for Apple: A confirmation dialogue
box on the phone going "You're switching to
selfie mode, are you sure?" would prevent the
heart-stopping horror of accidentally seeing your
own three chins and haggard face.
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories
* SHARDCORE SONG - B3ta's favourite
art-terrorist writes, "The second single from
The Private Sector. A little bit sweary, so not
strictly SFW, depending on your workplace."
https://b3ta.com/links/Raw_Murder_The_Private_Sect...
* CROWDFUND OLD B3TAN'S FALL BOOK -
TommyReckless writes, "Hi B3ta. We're running
out of time to get my book on The Fall
crowdfunded. It's had some great preview
reviews already and has a brilliant opening
line of 'The only time I met Mark E Smith I
told him his band were shite' by Aidan Moffat
(of Arab Strap). I'm sure there must be some
Fall fans still on b3ta. Would be great if you
could give it a plug here:"
https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/40-odd-years-of...
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Alexa. Mute all replies that start with "but"
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Free ideas for you to use
* DRAGONS' DEN STYLE TV SHOW - random members
of the public pitch to big brands going "what
you should do is... Get Gina G to advertise
Lidl... 'ooh ahh just a Lidl bit, ooh ahh a
Lidl bit more'"
* A LIFE PROGRESS BAR - that replies to you on
Twitter every few weeks and gives you too much
fucking perspective by saying "39% of your life
left" according to your age.
* GET CHRIS MARTIN & GWYNETH PALTROW SHOULD RUN
BREXIT - If we have to have Brexit let's have a
"conscious uncoupling" rather than acrimonious
divorce that makes everyone broke and hate each
other. (Also it would keep Coldplay out of
action. Double win.)
Send it all to:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
You lovely people
*STOOBERT*, *JOSH MCMILLAN*, *TOM JENKINS
BATES*, *JON GRANT*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
*TREVOR BURTON-MCCREADIE*, *MR PHIL DONNELLY*,
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Bung us some money. Thank you.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK /GOLD/
Sex misconceptions: "cat"
"Whilst a student I used to while away most of
my days smoking copious amounts of weed and
watching crap afternoon telly. My companion for
many of these wasted days was Cat, a stray
tortoiseshell who often came into the house
ostensibly to keep us company, but most
probably because we used to feed her copious
amounts of tuna and pickled onion space raider
crisps.
"Cat was special in that she seemed to be
completely bat-shit insane. She'd walk in and
fall over randomly. She'd rub herself with a
little bit too much enthusiasm on anyone and
anything, was always dribbling, and her
behaviour often seemed, well, sexual. It was
almost like some weird bestial foreplay.
"I thought I was wise to the ways of the world,
especially concerning sex, but it was only when
I woke up from a stoned and highly erotically
charged dream on the sofa to find Cat
attempting to hump my nose that I realised I
knew nothing.
"Yes, I was raped in the face by a cat." (roflH)
https://www.b3ta.com/questions/sexualmisconception...
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