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NEWSLETTER: "IMAGINE IF TWEETS WERE 17,181 CHARS LONG..."

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This Week:
* PROJECT - Mini Daily Mail
* PODCAST - White Album chat
* FILM SEQUELS - Finally, as an image challenge

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're shitting the bed
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   coz why not? It's
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|    warm and fuck it"

B3ta email 696 - 29th Sep 2018

Read this issue whilst felching an owl:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue696

-------------------------------------------------

: HEADLINES OF THE WEEK
  Sentences from the world's best journalists
  
  * "Man 'had sex with blow-up doll' by motorway"
  (BBC)

  * "Some people can't believe that Meghan Markle
  closed her own door" (Twitter moments)

  * "Woman complains of pain in vagina, finds out
  there’s a dead tortoise inside" (Metro)

  * "Half-naked man led police chase across roofs
  shouting 'I'm on monkey dust!'" (Birmingham
  Mail)

  * "Man given bionic penis ‘went into five-day
  coma a week after having sex for the first
  time’" (Metro)

  * "Please stop having sex at the roadside -
  villager's plea to amorous couple"
  (Lincolnshire Live)

  * "Outraged diner 'disappointed' there are no
  herons at the Heron Inn - It should be renamed
  No Herons Inn" (Cornwall Live)

  Compiled with help from Scaryduck
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B07GL8ZDLK/b3ta-21

-------------------------------------------------

: I MADE A MINIATURE DAILY MAIL 
  B3tan does proper satiric art stuff. Wow.

  Spellingmistakescostlives writes, "I made this
  miniature Daily Mail and I'm doing a
  Kickstarter to raise money to get it reprinted.
  It's 24 pages but will be more pages based on
  the final amount raised. You can pre-order a
  copy here "
http://www.minidailymail.co.uk 

-------------------------------------------------

Men. Please phone each other up for a chat instead of launching new podcasts. Thank you.

-------------------------------------------------

: B3TAN'S BEATLES PODCAST DOES 'WHITE ALBUM'
  With David Quantick

  CCC's Beatles Podcast is going great guns,
  snaring Beatles fan and writer David Quantick
  to talk about the White Album. We particularly
  like how David pooh-poohs the "it should be
  shorter" theory and then admits how many tracks
  he hates. So happy 50th birthday to the LP with
  one great side and three sides of bonus tracks.
https://iamtheeggpod.com/2018/09/23/episode-seven-david-quantick-part-1/

  BTW: If you go back to episode one you can hear
  your editor Sir Robert Manuel discuss Rubber
  Soul (or Rub Arsehole as he claims the muck
  minded Beatles really called it.)

-------------------------------------------------

This week was the first time in recorded history
that the New York Times published the word
"bonkerballs"

-------------------------------------------------

: THE OFFICIAL IMAGE CHALLENGE RESULTS! YES!
  Pop Adverts

  Here's the best images from last week where you
  made pop stars sell out like the consensual sex
  workers that they are:

  * Roxy Music - Savalon (Monkeon)
http://b3ta.com/board/11266693

  * Ultravox - Viennetta (Monkeon again, we don't
  deserve his genius.)
http://b3ta.com/board/11266724

  * Sparks fans should click this one. (Scumbrian)
http://b3ta.com/board/11267127

  * See all the other images from the 'Pop
  Adverts' challenge - do check them out, some
  good stuff there.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/popadverts

  >> This week: Film Sequels <<
  Unbelievably we've never actually done a film
  sequels challenge. So this is it! Give us your
  "Schindler's Other List", your "12 Angry Men
  And A Baby" and your "Return of the Jedi
  Returns"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/filmsequels

-------------------------------------------------

: DO YOU NEED PR STUFF?
  Patreon ad thingie

  Ed does media relations that actually works.
  Give him a tinkle. Using your tinkle hose.
https://www.ezpr.com/

-------------------------------------------------

Real titles for 'Dragons Den' in different countries.

Croatia: Dragon's Nest
Belgium: Lion's pit
Germany: The Lions' Cave
Japan: The Tigers of Money 
Israel: Sharks
US: Shark Tank
Ukraine: Business Sharks
Sri Lanka: Wall of Tuskers
Afghanistan: Dream and Achieve 
Russia: KAPITAL

-------------------------------------------------

: MONKEON RECOMMENDS A TV SHOW
  Pls Like
  
  In this one off feature, B3ta Stalwart Monkeon
  recommends a TV show. He writes, "Not sure if
  BBC3 shows now count as web stuff, but the new
  series of 'Pls Like' is funny and doesn't seem
  to be getting the attention it deserves - it's
  a mockumentary about social media stars, not a
  million miles away from People Like Us. It
  seems to understand it's subject matter and so
  this series is inevitably about things like
  alt-right twats. Episodes are nice and short,
  too!"
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p06l2nvb

-------------------------------------------------

: SPINAL TAP PODCAST
  "They were still booing him when we came on stage"

  'This Is Spinal Tap' is officially B3ta's
  favourite film and we enjoyed Rule Of Three's
  podcast this week where writers Jason Hazeley &
  Joel Morris with TV presenter Sue Perkins 
  analysed it before an audience who were quite
  quiet as they were probably young and had never
  seen it.
https://www.ruleofthreepod.com/

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
  
  * ABBEY ROAD DANGER CAM - the Abbey Road webcam
  never fails to entertain. Tourists trying to
  take photos in the middle of traffic. The whole
  thing is nuts. It's the photographer who's in
  the really dangerous position - middle of the
  road, off the crossing and back to traffic. Of
  all the unintended consequences of making a
  record - encouraging people to play in traffic
  50 years later is one of the oddest.
https://www.earthcam.com/world/england/london/abbeyroad/?cam=abbeyroad_uk  

  * TWITTER MOMENTS LOL - this is hilarious and
  also illustrates a conceptual flaw in the
  Twitter moments product - anyone can fill one
  with nonsense and they look sorta authoritative
  because Twitter went big on them as a news
  format.
https://twitter.com/hrtbps/status/1044618756314415104

  * BBC DOES NEWS GOOD - this is almost the
  definition of public service news. Go to where
  the people are. Report. Don't worry that it's
  not generating clicks for a website. But it's
  also very grim. Click with caution.
https://twitter.com/BBCAfrica/status/1044186344153583616

  * WHICH HUMAN NUMBER ARE YOU? - this really
  demonstrates how quickly global population is
  climbing. Nearly doubled in this editor's
  lifetime. What are the odds on someone like
  Jeff Bezos developing a killer virus that
  reduces human population down to about 100,000
  whilst his chums all hide in a sci-fi dome in
  New Zealand? 100% we reckon.
http://worldpopulationhistory.org/my-population-number/

  * BLOKE SINGS 'TEQUILA' ON KARAOKE - good,
  deadpan idea.
https://youtu.be/UM8pwnmcLb0?t=9

-------------------------------------------------

: HOLY FUCKING PISS, FUNNY NAME CORNER IS BACK
  A return from the bog like an unflushable shit

  Introducing "Mr Anus" the politician who
  Facebook refuses to mention because his name is
  just too sphincteresque. 
https://www.theguardian.com/technology/shortcuts/2018/sep/28/poor-mr-anus-the-council-candidate-given-a-bum-deal-by-facebook

-------------------------------------------------

Urgent message for Apple: A confirmation dialogue
box on the phone going "You're switching to
selfie mode, are you sure?" would prevent the
heart-stopping horror of accidentally seeing your
own three chins and haggard face.

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories

  * SHARDCORE SONG - B3ta's favourite
  art-terrorist writes, "The second single from
  The Private Sector. A little bit sweary, so not
  strictly SFW, depending on your workplace."
https://b3ta.com/links/Raw_Murder_The_Private_Sector

  * CROWDFUND OLD B3TAN'S FALL BOOK -
  TommyReckless writes, "Hi B3ta. We're running
  out of time to get my book on The Fall
  crowdfunded. It's had some great preview
  reviews already and has a brilliant opening
  line of 'The only time I met Mark E Smith I
  told him his band were shite' by Aidan Moffat
  (of Arab Strap). I'm sure there must be some
  Fall fans still on b3ta. Would be great if you
  could give it a plug here:"
https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/40-odd-years-of-the-fall

-------------------------------------------------

Alexa. Mute all replies that start with "but"

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Free ideas for you to use
  
  * DRAGONS' DEN STYLE TV SHOW - random members
  of the public pitch to big brands going "what
  you should do is... Get Gina G to advertise
  Lidl... 'ooh ahh just a Lidl bit, ooh ahh a
  Lidl bit more'"

  * A LIFE PROGRESS BAR - that replies to you on
  Twitter every few weeks and gives you too much
  fucking perspective by saying "39% of your life
  left" according to your age.

  * GET CHRIS MARTIN & GWYNETH PALTROW SHOULD RUN
  BREXIT - If we have to have Brexit let's have a
  "conscious uncoupling" rather than acrimonious
  divorce that makes everyone broke and hate each
  other. (Also it would keep Coldplay out of
  action. Double win.)

  Send it all to:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS
  You lovely people 

  *STOOBERT*, *JOSH MCMILLAN*, *TOM JENKINS
  BATES*, *JON GRANT*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
  *TREVOR BURTON-MCCREADIE*, *MR PHIL DONNELLY*,
  *KATE*, *JAMES PETTS*, *STEWART NOLAN*, *MARK
  MCCREADIE*, *ALEX MORRIS*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*

  GEORGE STEPHENSON, NAT KING COLESLAW, ANDREW
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  SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, JAIMIE VANDENBERGH,
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  APPS, CHRIS LOCKE, ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, GREG
  MCGOWAN, RICHARD BARCLAY, PATRICK CATES, 24-7
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  NICHOLLS, CHRIS CARLINE, BRIAN EELES, MICHAEL
  TRINDER, 5 + REWARD DESCRIPTION, EUGENIE VT,
  TOM DOLAN.

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  Bung us some money. Thank you.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK /GOLD/
  Sex misconceptions: "cat"

  "Whilst a student I used to while away most of
  my days smoking copious amounts of weed and
  watching crap afternoon telly. My companion for
  many of these wasted days was Cat, a stray
  tortoiseshell who often came into the house
  ostensibly to keep us company, but most
  probably because we used to feed her copious
  amounts of tuna and pickled onion space raider
  crisps.

  "Cat was special in that she seemed to be
  completely bat-shit insane. She'd walk in and
  fall over randomly. She'd rub herself with a
  little bit too much enthusiasm on anyone and
  anything, was always dribbling, and her
  behaviour often seemed, well, sexual. It was
  almost like some weird bestial foreplay.

  "I thought I was wise to the ways of the world,
  especially concerning sex, but it was only when
  I woke up from a stoned and highly erotically
  charged dream on the sofa to find Cat
  attempting to hump my nose that I realised I
  knew nothing.

  "Yes, I was raped in the face by a cat." (roflH)
https://www.b3ta.com/questions/sexualmisconceptions

-------------------------------------------------

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