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NEWSLETTER: "YOUR MR MEN NAME IS MR + THE MOST NEGATIVE THING A TEACHER SAID ABOUT YOU IN A SCHOOL REPORT"

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This Week:
* THEME TUNE SHUFFLE - Best thing ever, we promise
* CHALLENGE - Pop sell-outs / website typos
* LIES - About what content you'll find here

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   by pressing CTRL S 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  on every bastard page"

B3ta email 695 - 21 Sep 2018

Read this issue whilst farting the ascii-bet:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue695

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: THEME TUNE SHUFFLE
  Random theme tunes over the wrong title sequences

  From a suggestion by your newsletter editor
  comes Monkeon's great TV intro mash-up
  generator. Keep pressing play for another. We
  particularly liked Bread with Walking Dead
  music as it turned into Threads. It's a nice
  practical lesson in that music gives film
  meaning. 
https://www.monkeon.co.uk/themetuneshuffle/?vida=70&soundb=23

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Ellen L. Ripley, 
Waits at the window, wearing the face
That she keeps in a jar by the door

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: FUCKED-UP BOOK COVERS FOR COMEDY LOLS
  Books turned into gags

  Old B3tonian hnldesign (you might remember him
  from his cats in headphones gifs) writes, "I
  create covers and posters with a slight twist." 
https://thesebooks.tumblr.com/

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Sartre: Hell is other people
Twitter HQ: Sweet idea dude. Let's build the app

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: YOUTUBE VIDEO BECOMES ACTUAL GAME
  Thanks to b3ta. Sort of.
  
  Mr John Robertson writes, "So, back in 2012
  b3ta featured my sadistic YouTube game 'The
  Dark Room' and helped it go viral. Thanks very
  much for that. :-) My mates Bob Slayer and Andy
  Townsend sent me over to you and it was fucking
  great.  Now The Dark Room has finally become an
  actual game! Comes out on Thursday on Steam
  Early Access."
https://www.thedarkroomgame.com/ 

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: DO YOU NEED PR STUFF?
  Patreon ad thingie

  Ed does media relations that actually works.
  Give him a tinkle.
https://www.ezpr.com/

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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK /GOLD/
  "Food sex"

  I was shocked to find out my girlfriend could
  fit all of the following in her mimsy:

  1 orange
  1 apple
  15 grapes
  4 strawberries
  6 raspberries
  A handful of blueberries
  and 1 banana.

  It was hard work to get it all in but it was
  worth it in the end, as we both enjoyed the
  fruits of her labia. (Awesome Welles)
https://www.b3ta.com/questions/foodsex/

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: BLAST FROM B3TA'S PAST
  I say potato, you say pah-tootie

  Chris CCC Shaw writes, "Scouring through the
  internet for my old B3ta projects, I found
  this. It's an old collaboration with me and
  fellow B3tan Ben Wheatley. These days Ben is a
  world famous movie director - and I scour the
  internet for my old B3ta projects..." 
  
  Still one of our fav songs. So flipping catchy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgi-4v4PbFc

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Vote Theresa. At least she's not Boris.
Vote Boris. At least he's not Nigel.
Vote Nigel. At least he's not Tommy Robinson.
Vote Tommy Robinson. At least he's not a bit of
AI code owned by Amazon.

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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Typo Websites

  Here's the best images from last week:

  * HE KNOWS WHEN THEY ARE, AND WHEN THEY ARE
  NOT...  - by Barbarossa
http://b3ta.com/board/11266238

  * PORGHUB - It was purely for research
  purposes, you understand - by (a)lexistwit
http://b3ta.com/board/11266131

  *  AND THIS BIT OF IN-JOKES ARE NEVER FRONT
  PAGED - from JaCk tHe BiScUiT
http://b3ta.com/board/11266103

  * See all the other images from the 'Typo
  Websites' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/typowebsites

  >> This week: Pop Adverts <<
  Pop songs and singers are always being signed
  up for adverts, but there are loads of
  opportunities that have been missed. Where's
  Sinitta's "So Paxo", John Lydon's "Anchory in
  the UK" or George Michael's "Careless Wispa"?
  Combine songs and products in ways that make us
  laugh and which inevitably become real when the
  ad agencies read this.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/popadverts

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: HEADLINES OF THE WEEK
  Sentences from the world's finest journalists
  
  * "A PENSIONER who eats ten sausage rolls a day
  was horrified to find that his packet only had
  nine" (theargus)

  * "Scientists Gave Antisocial Octopuses Ecstasy
  And It Made Them More Friendly" (Newsweek)

  * "Motorists devastated as iconic 'Give Peas a
  Chance' M25 graffiti is erased"
  (standard.co.uk)

  * "Watford woman left with nothing to eat after
  failed food delivery" (watfordobserver)

  * "Cat in Bristol brings home bag of suspected
  class A drugs" (bbc)

  * "Man accused of posing as special needs man
  to get help changing diaper" (fox10phoenix)

  * "I wanted to understand Europe's populism. So
  I talked to Bono" (Washington Post)

  * "Woman tries to sell four 50ps for £1" (Devon
  Live)

  Compiled with help from Scaryduck.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B07GL8ZDLK/b3ta-21

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: DICTAPHONE MUSIC 

  We're enjoying this guy's videos at the moment.
  His shtick is to make ambient music tracks and
  explain in great detail all the old tapes and
  stuff he uses. In this video he reviews 9 old
  dictaphones and then finishes with a
  performance.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FuyUjD4lh2M

  Your editor writes, "This inspired me and
  although I haven't got a dictaphone to hand, it
  made me explore recording music badly. Here's a
  little piano loop I wrote - I made it a bit
  spooky by playing it through phone and then
  pointing phone at a mic. I like the effect.
  It's got atmosphere I think."
https://soundcloud.com/robmanuel/sets/air-recording

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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  * SILENT TREK -  This guy has written a script
  to glue together all the silences from Star
  Trek - the whole thread is worth a read.
https://twitter.com/Foone/status/1043262024971575296

  * COMEDY WILDLIFE PICS 2018 - harmless jollity.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/newsround/45521504

  * I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T A CLUE—THE COMPLETE
  LIONEL BLAIR (1993-2007) - A compilation of
  every single Lionel Blair joke (as well as a
  few with Una Stubbs and Christopher Biggins).
https://www.b3ta.com/links/Im_Sorry_I_Havent_a_Clue_The_Complete_Lionel_Blair_1993_2007

  * TAKING NUMBERWANG TOO SERIOUSLY - Monkeon
  writes, "Whilst researching theme tunes, I
  discovered that UK Game Shows has an entry on
  Numberwang!"
http://www.ukgameshows.com/ukgs/Numberwang 

  * MARKY MARK LOLS - No longer topical, but
  someone turned Marky Mark's weirdo routine into
  this.
http://www.whatismarkwahlbergdoing.com/ 

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: GOATSE CORNER
  Please stop sending us this stuff. Please.
  
  "Grim..." writes, "I was in San Francisco
  earlier in the summer, and went to an ace pizza
  restaurant that was staffed by deaf people as
  part of a program to help them find work. It
  was good pizza and a good idea, but their
  logo... Well, there's no way it was actually an
  accident..."
https://media-cdn.tripadvisor.com/media/photo-s/09/33/89/61/mozzeria.jpg

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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Be in this newsletter with your piss

  * SHORTER BEATLES WHITE ALBUM EDIT - The truly
  brave re-release would have cut it down to 40
  minutes by piling a load of the weaker songs
  into the Abbey Road style medley that it should
  have always been. Imagine The Continuing Story
  of Bungalow Bill cut from the tedium of 3mins+
  to an enticing 25 seconds.

  * SILENT PODCAST - What about a John Cage
  podcast. Guests are invited. People are mic'd
  up. An audience attends and everyone has to be
  both utterly engaged and completely silent.

  * NON TEDIOUS TV - "Alexa, Give me Netflix that
  just plays one thing a night but it's the best
  thing"

  Send your stuff to:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

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: PATREON THANKS
  You lovely people 

  *STOOBERT*, *JOSH MCMILLAN*, *TOM JENKINS
  BATES*, *JON GRANT*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
  *TREVOR BURTON-MCCREADIE*, *MR PHIL DONNELLY*,
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What's #000000 and #FFFFFF and #FF0000 all over? 
A newspaper dot com


Now YOUR turn to write a joke:
https://www.b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/all/

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