NEWSLETTER: "MY PIG'S GOT NO NOSE. HOW DOES IT SMELL? DISGRUNTLED."
"My pig's got no nose. How does it smell? Disgruntled."
This Week:
* LONELY ANIMATION - To make you sob like a child
* DANNY DYER - Pwopa nortily updated for Alexa
* CHALLENGE - Put monsters in non-monster films
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're thinking about
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | sausages 24 hours
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| a day, every day"
B3ta ceefax page 698 - 13 October 2018
Read this issue to your baffled mother:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue698
-------------------------------------------------
: BUY A BOOK TO "HELP YOU ADULT"
And lord knows we all need help with this
Old school B3tan Stephen Wildish recently wrote
a "How To Swear" book and now written a sequel
called "How To Adult". He says, "I've written a
book about being a grown up. Would you like a
copy? Give me your address and I will send you
one. I won't send any dog poo, that's not a
very adult thing to do. I would love it to be
pimped in the newsletter."
Sure thing Stephen.
And whereas our copy is in the post, readers
can buy theirs on Amazon dot com where Jeff
Bezo will use the profits to build spaceships.
(It's kinda insane that that's not even a joke.)
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/152910253...
-------------------------------------------------
Stephen King plot generator:
What if.... dad was evil?
What if.... pets were evil?
What if... clowns were evil?
What if.... er... cars were evil?
-------------------------------------------------
: LONELY ANIMATION
Which will make you temporarily sad
Presferatu writes, "An animation I made about a
lonely old lady. Probably best with headphones.
NSFW." Nice work.
https://www.b3ta.com/links/Missing_You
-------------------------------------------------
Laptops should be called desktops as you mostly
use them on a desk, and desktops should be called
floortops. This is the hill we're prepared to die
on.
-------------------------------------------------
: CASSETTEBOY DOES HIS THING
For Strictly Come Dancing
Apparently Strictly is a show on the BBC, we
haven't watched it but understand it's largely
about pairing celebs with hot dancers and
seeing if they biff the nasty until the
newspapers fart headlines.
Cassetteboy got the call to do some promo and
writes, "We watched all of last year's
Strictly, but skipped all the dancing bits.
Which made it a lot quicker to get through, we
recommend it if you're pushed for time."
https://www.youtube.com/watch
-------------------------------------------------
Laughter is the best medicine but the only
evidence of a doctor prescribing it is in Sinéad
O'Connor's 1990 hit, Nothing Compares 2 U.
-------------------------------------------------
: THE BEST PODCAST GETS BETTER
Rule Of Three on Father Ted
Long-term readers will know we're massive fans
of the Rule Of Three podcast where two comedy
writers interview a third comedy writer about
their favourite comedy, and this episode is a
corker.
Aisling Bea takes us through Father Ted, it's
impact in Ireland and deliver sizeable chunks
of insight valuable to anyone interested in
writing.
Best episode yet, and delivered with such
warmth.
https://itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/rule-of-three/...
-------------------------------------------------
This is the week that the New York Times created a neologism for Hooters: breastauraunt.
-------------------------------------------------
: DANNY DYER NOW ON ALEXA
You pwopa lucky wankers
Cheesebrush writes, "I really enjoyed the Danny
Dyer soundboard from a few months back and
whilst I liked the retro feel, I also thought
it could be brought into the 21st century. So
I've turned it into a skill for Amazon Alexa.
Please don't hate me for stealing the sound
file you probably spent hours putting together!"
Cheeky twaat. Retro our arse.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07HKZQX5K
-------------------------------------------------
What idiot called it a bum bag and not an anal sac?
-------------------------------------------------
: IMAGE CHALLENGE RESULTS
"Merge Music"
Last week we asked you to merge bands and there
was about 130+ entries which was better than a
cat shitting in the bath.
* Status Quo vs Guns'n'Roses from Barbarossa.
Probably a repost but it's a classic and who
doesn't love Quo?
http://b3ta.com/board/11268005
* Human League vs Gary Numan from Monekon. A
reasonable idea for a mash-up, their music
wasn't massively different.
https://b3ta.com/board/11268079
* Radiohead vs Dio from HappyToast. A lovely
bit of work.
https://b3ta.com/board/11268125
* See all the other images from the 'Merge
Music' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/mergemusic/popular/
>> This week: Monster Films <<
There's never enough monster movies, so lets
make all the normal films feature classic
creatures from horror cinema. Why not photoshop
a poster for "And Godzilla Created Woman" and
make us shit ourselves with The Diary of Anne
Frankenstein.
https://www.b3ta.com/challenge/monsterfilms/popula...
-------------------------------------------------
Free idea for the People newspaper. Employ a
journalist called Will. The column name writes
itself.
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
* PORK CYLINDERS - Someone has actually tried
the Brian Butterfield diet and lost an
impressive 12 pounds. Although they also say
"While it was amusing to complete the diet, it
was definitely the worst idea I've had in some
time."
https://www.yorkvision.co.uk/scene/lifestyle/my-we...
* NATURAL REVERB - People breaking into
abandoned oil storage tanks to explore the
echo. Best bit is at 5:15 where three people
clapping sounds like a whole crowd. TIP: You
can decent reverb for some vocals by sticking
your head in the washing machine. Really. Try
it. We have.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* HOW TO MAKE A GIRL SMILE - wonderful video
from a straight faced man trying to use music
to make a woman crack up.
https://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_make_a_girl_smil...
* LGBT VIDEO GAME ARCHIVE - basically The
Celluloid Closet for video games. Some entries
are a bit tenuous, but there's loads of
interesting ones. Caper in the Castro one is a
real curio, and the SimCopter easter egg is
amusing.
https://lgbtqgamearchive.com/
* A STRAIGHT UP GOOD GAG. Reads like a Garth
Marenghi intro.
https://twitter.com/joboyley/status/10479180404473...
* MINI REPLICAS OF LONELY DEATHS - strange,
upsetting art that replicates scenes from Japan
where people have died and not been found for
weeks because of social isolation. Happy
newsletter time kids!
http://www.spoon-tamago.com/2018/10/03/miyu-kojima...
-------------------------------------------------
No Netflix series should be allowed to go to
series 2.
-------------------------------------------------
: HEADLINES OF THE WEEK
Sentences from the world's finest journalists
* "Reading dog finds fame after 'urinating on
Jacob Rees Mogg' at people's vote Brexit march"
(inyourarea.co.uk)
* "Police called to 'suspicious' sock near
Leicester school" (Leicester Mercury)
* "Woman with emotional support squirrel
ejected from plane" (Sky News)
* "Man on meth bathes naked in holy water
before masturbating during church service" (NZ
Herald)
* "Billingham mum claims she has a vortex in
her son's bedroom controlled by a spirit called
'The Fat Controller'" (Teesside Live)
* "Man fined after Shetland seal-touching row"
(BBC)
* "Does Billericay have the most expensive
public toilet in the UK?" (Essex Live)
Scaryduck book's now only £7.19, so what are
you waiting for?
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B07GL8ZDL...
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories
* THE INTERNET IS STILL NOT BRITISH DESPITE
BREXIT - Atmarsden95 writes, "An even clearer
indicator that the Internet is written in
American is that the Wikipedia article for the
Sega Mega Drive is called 'Sega Genesis', which
was ONLY its name in North America. Everywhere
else calls it the Mega Drive." Ah who cares?
The SNES was 400 times better.
* LOL BBC - Mitchellstirling writes, "Loved the
alternative foreign names for Dragon's Den in
the latest newsletter. There is one that I also
recently stumbled across. A few weeks ago in
promoting BBC4's series of AI related
programming they gave the keys to their Twitter
account to an AI bot who came up with this when
asked what was their favourite BBC2 show:
Lizard House."
* WEEKEND DIY PROJECT - Varmint writes, "Found
a vid on the Adam Savage Tested channel where
they take a cheap plastic skull and turn it
into a burnt, severed horror head. I thought
I'd have a go."
https://www.b3ta.com/links/Weekend_DIY_project
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make stuff and we'll tell the world
* MAKE AVERAGE MEDIA ENJOYABLE - What world
needs is a review service that gives everything
a bad review because the one way to truly enjoy
a movie or book is to be told it's utterly
worthless and then you discover it's quite ok
really.
* FRANKIE SAYS BOT - Retweet whatever Holly
Johnson says as 'Frankie Say...."
* A KICKSTARTER TO MAKE THIS WATCH REAL - man,
what an incredible bit of geek jewellery it
would be.
https://twitter.com/robmanuel/status/1050016639360...
Send your missives to:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: DO YOU NEED PR STUFF?
Patreon ad thingie
Do you want some PR? Maybe you want relations
with the public? Then there's one man you
should call and his name is ED.
https://www.ezpr.com/
-------------------------------------------------
: PATREON THANKS
You lovely people
*STOOBERT*, *JOSH MCMILLAN*, *TOM JENKINS
BATES*, *JON GRANT*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
*TREVOR BURTON-MCCREADIE*, *MR PHIL DONNELLY*,
*KATE*, *JAMES PETTS*, *STEWART NOLAN*, *MARK
MCCREADIE*, *ALEX MORRIS*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*
GEORGE STEPHENSON, NAT KING COLESLAW, ANDREW
WREN, JAMES CRONIN, ALISTAIR, IAN SHEEN, MARK
ADAMSON, ANDREW FLEMMING, ALAN CHARLTON,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, JAIMIE VANDENBERGH,
CHRIS BLAKENEY, BEVAN JOHNSON, CRISS MORENO, JO
APPS, CHRIS LOCKE, ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, GREG
MCGOWAN, RICHARD BARCLAY, PATRICK CATES, 24-7
DEATH, TOM WRIGHT, JON BINSTEAD, SIMON
NICHOLLS, CHRIS CARLINE, BRIAN EELES, MICHAEL
TRINDER, 5 + REWARD DESCRIPTION, EUGENIE VT,
TOM DOLAN.
lee burnett, Bloonface , Shane McHugh, Joe
Banner, Chris Garratt, Jim Woodward, Rebecca
McManus, Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Martin Davies,
George Preston, Chris Saunders, Mike Middleton,
Richard Matthias, AuntieSash Hazlewood, Brad
Gregory, Graham Licence, Paul Rose (Mr Biffo),
Ed Can Do, C Bond, Fergus McKay, Steve herman,
Alex Walsh Atkins, Mick Curtis, Craig Turner,
Joshua Thomasson, Dog Byte, Fearghas , Chris
Gough, fourstar , Jonty Wareing, Nathaniel
Bandersnatch, Montocat , Rob Affleck, Rhys
Wynne, Marina de Joslin, Jasper Koning, Ryan
Rhodes, Chris Whitworth, James Macinnes, Geoff
Tidey, John Higgs, Daniel Chote, Geoffrey
Balme, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Mark Wilson, Paul
Cherry, Nick Ross, Ian Beveridge, Alex Mastin,
Raul Arreola, Faith H. Martin, David King,
Jaymie Thomas, Sam Russell, David Knoll, Ben
Watson, Simon Holmes, Steve P, Gaynor Clarkson,
Saleem Ahmad, nicholas martin, Jim MacArthur,
John Hammersley, Andy Yates`, Andy Webber,
David Gardiner, Adam Molloy, Simon McDougall,
Craig Tonks, Anna , Peter Gosling, Jason
Stewart, Dave Nattriss, Philip Kinchington, Ian
Boltz, Matt Drewry, Derek ROBERTS, Robbie
Lesiuk, Bertram Wooster, Adam Inglis, James
Clayton, Jim Frayling, Mike Middleton, Scott
S. Kramer, Joe Simmonds, Julie Brumlik, Rob
Mahon, Paul Leader, Ivan Kelly, Jǐm McNǐven,
Paul Healey, Andy Ashton, Tom Rees-Williams,
David Mills, Martin Beer, midnightrambler ,
matsimpsk , Jim Halfpenny, Dave Tickle, Matthew
Forman, Gareth Noyce, Chris Paterson, James
Woods, pookong , oliver bewes, Iain , Adam
Cooney, Sam Anderson, Albion Gray, Rupert Hull,
Simon waterfall, Paul Westerman, Courtenay
Ferris, Andy Tillett, Essy Dave, Martin Peache,
Jerry Quartley, Bertil Hansson, Carl Morgan,
Mark Hibbett, Daniel Brown, Rich Pope, John
Matthews, JOHNNY WATTERS, Jamie Taylor, Adrian
Woodfield, Stuart Ashen, Vicki Jakes, Jane
Baker, Paul Smith, Will Goulden, Simon Cowan,
Robin Whitmore, Steven Smith, Matthew Wilkes,
Dan Stott, Siobhan McNally, Bill Atkinson,
Starlord Mixtape, Gneissrocks , Steve Prowse,
Tyronne Mann, Andy Storrar, Jay Roche, Peter
Willman, Sarah Williamson, Kevin Johnston, Tom
Gleeson, Ed Cook, Catroaster , Iain Fuller,
Iain Ruxton, mil jamieson, Tom Crick, Ben
Burton, Peter Ashtray, Adam Atack, AC , Derek
Law, David Catley, John Foster, Matt Buchanan,
Matthew Collinge, Joey moore, Mark Hill, Joe
McNally, Tom Ryan, Peter McMinn, Ryan Doran,
Konrad Petrusewicz, Wil Hadden, James Donnelly,
Frank Hollis, sean casely, Al Davidson, martin
mackenzie, Gus Nicol, Martin Holloway, Mike
Davis, Steve Thornton, Tim Mouncer, peter
wouda, Fraser Lewry, Matthew Morris, Rob
Vincent, Chris Shaw, Rick Lindley, Greg
Neilson, blossomshed , Jude Evans, Kev Adams,
Simon Smith, @mattdawhit , Brian Lancaster,
Iain Henshaw, Mathew Smith, Gia Milinovich,
Fiona James, Robert Hills, Anne-Marie Scott,
James Kerry-Barnard, Greenfox , Neil de
Carteret, Stephen Waller, Luke Mepham, Stuart
Alldred, Adam Lloyd, Andrew Scheuber, Chris
Branch, Jonathan Wooddin, OBiW4N SHiNOBi,
Dominic Haigh, TownsendsPublisher , Steve
Anglesey, Iain Brassington, Heidi Colthup, Ross
Carter, Chris Evans, Edward Almond, James
Golbey, Johnnie Shannon, Alex Lovett, Peter
Coombe, David Ault, Kate Devlin, James
Shakespeare, Tim Weaver, Lisa Westhaven, James
O'Malley, Emma Lay, RossOverThere , Tim Jokl,
Catherine McAllister, Steve Laker, Damien
Smith, Jim Dabell, John Faragher, Eric von
Borstel, Malcolm Franks, Richard Beckett, ,
William Garratt, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, Iain
Moffatt, Justin Brett, Louise Allen, David
Green, Riven A Buckley, Robin , Luche , Ian
Appleby, Pete , Tobie Fysh, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, David Barton, Jess Baker, Tom
Freke, Jan Spielhoff, Sean Flanagan, Mike
Congreve, Chris Johnson, John Field, Emma
Sykes, Carl Mesner Lyons, Ross Dobson, David
Stark, Adam Beardwood, Danny Kodicek, Dominic
Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson, Chris Goode, Andrew
Robinson, Nicky Hewgill, Michael Kitt, Tim
Beachy, Rose Johnson, Paul Topping, Connor
Parslow, Daniel Moeller, Irene Semanchuk,
Alexandre Strube, Craig Naples, Richard Speed,
Alastair Dodd, Rhys Jones, Joseph Mulvaney,
Julie Beacock, Sentient Meatbag, Dan Tasse,
peter royal, Harry Wearne, Duncan STrickland,
Andy Candler, Peter Cooper, Deny Coughlan, Russ
Anderson, Nick Kent, Jonathan , Phil H, Andrew
Anderson, Ian Silvester, Ben Webb, Graham
Freeman, Dave Gee, Wine School of Philadelphia,
John Griffiths, Nick Murdoch, Rob Potter, James
Meers, 5telios , Paul Mancini, Al Napp, Tanya
Kant, Jon Ramster, David Whittam, Jace Otting,
BSG , Andrew Harris, Chris Ward, Adam Tickner,
Peter , Emily Payne, Tim Polglase, Ted Bowyer,
Matt Carr, Bobod , Michael Bryan, Richard
Midwinter, Neil Ives, Mark Ryan, Ben Chapman,
David Bond, Ben , Robert Simpson, Gary Sharp,
Andy Shirling, Fenris Games, James , Jim
Lucking, mark madgwick, Ben Sugden, Russell
Webster, Sham Courtney, Louis E, Andrea Vail,
Rohan , Sam Brown, Marc Lindberg, Hugh Noble,
Nigel Ford, Gwyn Fisher, Matt Loren, Centuries
of Sound, Amy Oliver, Christina Freeman, Paul
Braithwaite, Tom Clark, Gregg Kuljian, Richard
Abraham, Paul Slade, Alex Wrottesley, Ivan
Shiel, Claire Allen, Iain M Barker, Dan Fairs,
Tony East, Cat Conner, Jennifer Moquin, Claire
Zolkwer, Seirian Hanner, Thea Mallett, Nick ,
ben cowell-thomas, Robert Purkis, Oli , Andy
Nattan, Alex Wren, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Ilya
Čolak-Antić, Adam Kaczmarek, Mike Carter, Daz
Wright, Stewart C. Russell, John M, P
Underwood, Thepfy , Hadleigh Charles, Mark
McIntosh, Stephen Williams, Peter Wood, Darren
John Harris, Mike Booth, Simon Lumb, Tim
Knight, FuzzyFreaks , Stephen McAuley, Phil
Barns, wigglywigglyworm , Lyra Jay, Lee Ball,
Richard keeling, David Ellinor, Rachel Tougas,
Ben Groom, Mr Flibble, Dave The Hammer Parry,
Emma Nicol, Paul Bayfield, Swedemason , Jon
Bounds, Stéphane.
Bung us some money. Thank you.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
-------------------------------------------------
: ANY OTHER BUSINESS?
* Sub to the newsletter via
https://www.b3ta.com/subscribe/
* Unsub
<unsubscribe>If you must but you shouldn't</unsubscribe>
* Submit YOUR content to newsletter:
https://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
* Fund the newsletter via the patreon:
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
