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NEWSLETTER: "MY PIG'S GOT NO NOSE. HOW DOES IT SMELL? DISGRUNTLED."

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"My pig's got no nose. How does it smell? Disgruntled."
This Week:
* LONELY ANIMATION - To make you sob like a child 
* DANNY DYER - Pwopa nortily updated for Alexa 
* CHALLENGE - Put monsters in non-monster films

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're thinking about 
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  sausages 24 hours
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   a day, every day"

B3ta ceefax page 698 - 13 October 2018

Read this issue to your baffled mother:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue698

-------------------------------------------------

: BUY A BOOK TO "HELP YOU ADULT"
  And lord knows we all need help with this
  
  Old school B3tan Stephen Wildish recently wrote
  a "How To Swear" book and now written a sequel
  called "How To Adult". He says, "I've written a
  book about being a grown up.  Would you like a
  copy? Give me your address and I will send you
  one. I won't send any dog poo, that's not a
  very adult thing to do. I would love it to be
  pimped in the newsletter."

  Sure thing Stephen.

  And whereas our copy is in the post, readers
  can buy theirs on Amazon dot com where Jeff
  Bezo will use the profits to build spaceships.
  (It's kinda insane that that's not even a joke.)
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1529102537/b3ta-21

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Stephen King plot generator:

What if.... dad was evil?
What if.... pets were evil?
What if... clowns were evil?
What if.... er... cars were evil?

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: LONELY ANIMATION 
  Which will make you temporarily sad
  
  Presferatu writes, "An animation I made about a
  lonely old lady. Probably best with headphones.
  NSFW." Nice work.
https://www.b3ta.com/links/Missing_You

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Laptops should be called desktops as you mostly
use them on a desk, and desktops should be called
floortops. This is the hill we're prepared to die
on.

-------------------------------------------------

: CASSETTEBOY DOES HIS THING
  For Strictly Come Dancing

  Apparently Strictly is a show on the BBC,  we
  haven't watched it but understand it's largely
  about pairing celebs with hot dancers and
  seeing if they biff the nasty until the
  newspapers fart headlines.

  Cassetteboy got the call to do some promo and
  writes, "We watched all of last year's
  Strictly, but skipped all the dancing bits. 
  Which made it a lot quicker to get through, we
  recommend it if you're pushed for time."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yogX8Mu4iMs

-------------------------------------------------

Laughter is the best medicine but the only
evidence of a doctor prescribing it is in Sinéad
O'Connor's 1990 hit, Nothing Compares 2 U.

-------------------------------------------------

: THE BEST PODCAST GETS BETTER
  Rule Of Three on Father Ted

  Long-term readers will know we're massive fans
  of the Rule Of Three podcast where two comedy
  writers interview a third comedy writer about
  their favourite comedy, and this episode is a
  corker.

  Aisling Bea takes us through Father Ted, it's
  impact in Ireland and deliver sizeable chunks
  of insight valuable to anyone interested in
  writing.

  Best episode yet, and delivered with such
  warmth.
https://itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/rule-of-three/id1362621695

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This is the week that the New York Times created a neologism for Hooters: breastauraunt.

-------------------------------------------------

: DANNY DYER NOW ON ALEXA
  You pwopa lucky wankers
  
  Cheesebrush writes, "I really enjoyed the Danny
  Dyer soundboard from a few months back and
  whilst I liked the retro feel, I also thought
  it could be brought into the 21st century. So
  I've turned it into a skill for Amazon Alexa.
  Please don't hate me for stealing the sound
  file you probably spent hours putting together!"
  
  Cheeky twaat. Retro our arse.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07HKZQX5K

-------------------------------------------------

What idiot called it a bum bag and not an anal sac?

-------------------------------------------------

: IMAGE CHALLENGE RESULTS
  "Merge Music"

  Last week we asked you to merge bands and there
  was about 130+ entries which was better than a
  cat shitting in the bath.

  * Status Quo vs Guns'n'Roses from Barbarossa.
  Probably a repost but it's a classic and who
  doesn't love Quo?
http://b3ta.com/board/11268005

  * Human League vs Gary Numan from Monekon.  A
  reasonable idea for a mash-up, their music
  wasn't massively different.
https://b3ta.com/board/11268079

  * Radiohead vs Dio from HappyToast. A lovely
  bit of work.
https://b3ta.com/board/11268125

  * See all the other images from the 'Merge
  Music' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/mergemusic/popular/

  >> This week: Monster Films <<
  There's never enough monster movies, so lets
  make all the normal films feature classic
  creatures from horror cinema. Why not photoshop
  a poster for "And Godzilla Created Woman" and
  make us shit ourselves with The Diary of Anne
  Frankenstein.
https://www.b3ta.com/challenge/monsterfilms/popular/

-------------------------------------------------

Free idea for the People newspaper. Employ a
journalist called Will. The column name writes
itself.

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
  
  * PORK CYLINDERS - Someone has actually tried
  the Brian Butterfield diet and lost an
  impressive 12 pounds.  Although they also say
  "While it was amusing to complete the diet, it
  was definitely the worst idea I've had in some
  time."
https://www.yorkvision.co.uk/scene/lifestyle/my-week-on-the-butterfield-diet-plan/14/01/2014

  * NATURAL REVERB - People breaking into
  abandoned oil storage tanks to explore the
  echo. Best bit is at 5:15 where three people
  clapping sounds like a whole crowd. TIP: You
  can decent reverb for some vocals by sticking
  your head in the washing machine. Really. Try
  it. We have.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFK-a0ZWSDA

  * HOW TO MAKE A GIRL SMILE - wonderful video
  from a straight faced man trying to use music
  to make a woman crack up.
https://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_make_a_girl_smile

  * LGBT VIDEO GAME ARCHIVE - basically The
  Celluloid Closet for video games. Some entries
  are a bit tenuous, but there's loads of
  interesting ones. Caper in the Castro one is a
  real curio, and the SimCopter easter egg is
  amusing.
https://lgbtqgamearchive.com/

  * A STRAIGHT UP GOOD GAG. Reads like a Garth
  Marenghi intro.
https://twitter.com/joboyley/status/1047918040447373315

  * MINI REPLICAS OF LONELY DEATHS - strange,
  upsetting art that replicates scenes from Japan
  where people have died and not been found for
  weeks because of social isolation. Happy
  newsletter time kids!
http://www.spoon-tamago.com/2018/10/03/miyu-kojima-miniature-kodokushi/

-------------------------------------------------

No Netflix series should be allowed to go to
series 2.

-------------------------------------------------

: HEADLINES OF THE WEEK
  Sentences from the world's finest journalists
  
  * "Reading dog finds fame after 'urinating on
  Jacob Rees Mogg' at people's vote Brexit march"
  (inyourarea.co.uk)

  * "Police called to 'suspicious' sock near
  Leicester school" (Leicester Mercury)

  * "Woman with emotional support squirrel
  ejected from plane" (Sky News)

  * "Man on meth bathes naked in holy water
  before masturbating during church service" (NZ
  Herald)

  * "Billingham mum claims she has a vortex in
  her son's bedroom controlled by a spirit called
  'The Fat Controller'" (Teesside Live)

  * "Man fined after Shetland seal-touching row"
  (BBC)

  * "Does Billericay have the most expensive
  public toilet in the UK?" (Essex Live)

  Scaryduck book's now only £7.19, so what are
  you waiting for?
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B07GL8ZDLK/b3ta-21

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories
  
  * THE INTERNET IS STILL NOT BRITISH DESPITE
  BREXIT - Atmarsden95 writes, "An even clearer
  indicator that the Internet is written in
  American is that the Wikipedia article for the
  Sega Mega Drive is called 'Sega Genesis', which
  was ONLY its name in North America. Everywhere
  else calls it the Mega Drive." Ah who cares?
  The SNES was 400 times better.

  * LOL BBC - Mitchellstirling writes, "Loved the
  alternative foreign names for Dragon's Den in
  the latest newsletter. There is one that I also
  recently stumbled across. A few weeks ago in
  promoting BBC4's series of AI related
  programming they gave the keys to their Twitter
  account to an AI bot who came up with this when
  asked what was their favourite BBC2 show:
  Lizard House."

  * WEEKEND DIY PROJECT - Varmint writes, "Found
  a vid on the Adam Savage Tested channel where
  they take a cheap plastic skull and turn it
  into a burnt, severed horror head. I thought
  I'd have a go."
https://www.b3ta.com/links/Weekend_DIY_project


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Make stuff and we'll tell the world

  * MAKE AVERAGE MEDIA ENJOYABLE - What world
  needs is a review service that gives everything
  a bad review because the one way to truly enjoy
  a movie or book is to be told it's utterly
  worthless and then you discover it's quite ok
  really.

  * FRANKIE SAYS BOT - Retweet whatever Holly
  Johnson says as 'Frankie Say...."

  * A KICKSTARTER TO MAKE THIS WATCH REAL - man,
  what an incredible bit of geek jewellery it
  would be.
https://twitter.com/robmanuel/status/1050016639360602112

  Send your missives to:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: DO YOU NEED PR STUFF?
  Patreon ad thingie

  Do you want some PR? Maybe you want relations
  with the public? Then there's one man you
  should call and his name is ED. 
https://www.ezpr.com/

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS
  You lovely people 

  *STOOBERT*, *JOSH MCMILLAN*, *TOM JENKINS
  BATES*, *JON GRANT*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
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  GEORGE STEPHENSON, NAT KING COLESLAW, ANDREW
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