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NEWSLETTER: "IF YOU DON'T OPEN THIS NEWSLETTER, BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN TO YOUR SOUL"

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This Week:
* PICS - LP covers remade with unused photos
* B3TA DICTIONARY - yes, for it has returned
* GOAT - Free for every reader (collect tokens)

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're shitting the bed
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  and blaming the dog
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      ... together"

B3ta e-Instagram 708 - 27rd Jan 2018+1

Read this issue whimpering into the void:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue708

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: LP COVERS REMADE WITH UNUSED PHOTOS
  It's familiar and yet different

  Clever old Monkeon has been looking at old LPs,
  googling the photoshoots and then remaking the
  LP covers from the outtakes.

  Reckon you might want to join in?
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/albumcoveralsorans/ 

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The Edge was named after the four chords he
knows: E,D, G and with the echo pedal, E again.

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: B3TA DICTIONARY
  A is for anus, let's mend it with glue

  Back when the Internet wasn't just two groups
  of wankers shouting at each other and
  everything was fun we had a thing called the
  'b3ta dictionary' which detailed the neologisms
  from the messageboard.

  Recently it was pointed out that it was broken
  so B3ta tech guru Wil Hadden fixed it and now
  you can wallow in nostalgia from when it was
  all crudely drawn cocks around here.

  E.g. "Jessie (Je-see) verb. To strip off when
  you reach a milestone. 'Just six more posts
  till I've done 20,000, think i'm now going to
  have to pull a Jessie'"
https://www.b3ta.com/dictionary/a/

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Cup of tea app idea:

* Office signs up
* You press "I need tea" on phone and message
goes to group with buttons saying "yes please",
"no thanks" and "I'll do it"
* App keeps score to maximise bad feeling amongst
colleagues via data
* Businesses fail and then communism

-------------------------------------------------

: HOW THE BRAIN WORKS
  In the style of a pirate map, me hearties

  Shardcore writes, "I've made a map of the left
  hemisphere of the brain, in the style of a 17th
  century pirate map. It's quite mental and took
  me ages." 
http://shardcore.org/lh/the_left_hemisphere/index.html 

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Marie Kondo but for unfollowing everyone so that
an empty timeline sparks joy.

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: SITES IN BEEF (OXTAIL)
  Stuff from outside the official B3ta universe

  * A YEAR IN THE LIFE 2018 - Ambegris writes,
  "This guy videos a second of every day in his
  life last year. A bit self indulgent but I
  think he had an interesting year"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uuUiFeDphRg

  * ALL THE 'MEDDLING KIDS' FROM SCOOBY-DOO -
  BTW: Given that the average lifespan for a
  Great Dane is 8 to 10 years and that the first
  episode was broadcast in the late 60s,
  Scooby-Doo has been dead since 1977.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXUqwuzcGeU

 * SECRET YOUTUBE SONG - this woman vlogged for 8
 months making sure she mentioned certain words
 at the right pitch so she could edit the end
 result into a song.  There's something oddly
 moving about it all.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JGbdaNO7uqI

  * GWYNETH PALTROW HAWKS "VAMPIRE REPELLENT
  SPRAY" ON HER GOOP SITE - we're about to mock
  this but then maybe she knows something about
  the upper echelons of elite culture that we
  don't, what with startup Ambrosia selling young
  people's blood at $8,000 for a full
  transfusion. We're ordering two bottles and are
  going to rub it into our youthful necks.
https://shop.goop.com/shop/products/psychic-vampire-repellent 

  * AMAZING DEMONSTRATION OF AUDIO PERCEPTION -
  listen to these clips and be reminded that your
  brain does a lot of filling in, and 90% of your
  reality is made from context-aware-fill.
https://twitter.com/BrianRoemmele/status/1086436669413183488

  * GOOFY FOOTBALL MASCOTS OBSERVING A SOLEMN
  MINUTE'S SILENCE - "It's a funny idea, but
  impressive how fast the numbers have been going
  up on this considering they've only posted
  three images" writes Monkeon.
https://twitter.com/MascotSilence 

-------------------------------------------------

Writing tip: delete your social media account and
actually do some writing.

-------------------------------------------------

: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Celebrity Animals

  Here's the best images from last week:

  * ANT - "This acid tastes funny, mummy"
  (Penultimate Straw)
http://b3ta.com/board/11275928

  * AXOLOTL - "Drinks at the Gun and Rose"
  (monkeon)
http://b3ta.com/board/11276319

  * HEAT MAGAZINE - We'd prefer this version
  (monkeon)
http://b3ta.com/board/11276186

  >> Noel Edmonds' Multicoloured Prop Swap <<
  We're messing with Movie Props this week. Mash
  them up, delete them, swap them, replace them,
  make obscure anagram puns about them. Go!
http://b3ta.com/challenge/movieprops

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Make Eastenders more enjoyable by imagining it's
a Westworld style theme-park full of cockney
robots to give the illusion that London has never
changed.

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Some inspiration to start you off
 
  * WORLD CUP (OF CUPS) - which of you mugs has
  got the best mug?

  * CHARITY SHOP SHAMING - There's a sign up in
  local charity shop saying "no Xmas trees, we
  haven't got the storage space". We'd like to
  read a Twitter account from charity shop staff
  shaming all the useless tat that people are
  trying to offload onto them and not thinking
  "will this sell?"

  * WASH YOUR CLOTHES IN THE DISHWASHER - and
  vica versa. This should please your mum when
  she sees what you've been doing whilst she was
  out at work.

  Send your virtual dog shit to:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

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Gender-flipped bands:

Lez Zeppelin
The Sheatles
Er.. The Sheagles
Simone and Girlfunkel
Genesister
The ('er in) Doors

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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
  Fuck a spoon, it's back

  Stevebmartin writes in to tell is to "shut your
  kaycole.net"
http://www.kaycole.net

  BTW: Apologises to Kay Cole for this useless
  traffic, we're just British arseholes, ignore
  us.

-------------------------------------------------

: CREDIT
  Edited by Rob Manuel with extra stuff from Matt
  'Round' Round, Monkeon, and David Leonard
  Stevenson. And Wil. And your mum.

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS

  BIGGEST BROTHERS: *EUGENIE VT*, *ALEX MORRIS*,
  *HEBTROCO*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*, *JAMES PETTS*,
  *JON GRANT*, *KATE*, *MARK MCCREADIE*, *MR PHIL
  DONNELLY*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
  *STOOBERT*, *24-7 DEATH*, *ALAN CHARLTON*,
  *ALISTAIR*, *ANDREW FLEMMING*, *ANDREW WREN*,
  *BEVAN JOHNSON*, *BRIAN EELES*, *CHRIS
  BLAKENEY*, *CHRIS CARLINE*, *CHRIS LOCKE*,
  *CRISS MORENO*, *GEORGE STEPHENSON*, *GREG
  MCGOWAN*, *IAN SHEEN*, *JAIMIE VANDENBERGH*,
  *JAMES CRONIN*, *JON BINSTEAD*, *MARK ADAMSON*,
  *MICHAEL TRINDER*, *NAT KING COLESLAW*,
  *PATRICK CATES*, *RICHARD BARCLAY*, *SIMON
  NICHOLLS*, *SPAZZCAPTAIN*, *TOM DOLAN*, *WENDY
  GOODE

  BIGGER BROTHERS: NICK MORGAN, LEE BURNETT,
  @MATTDAWHIT, ADAM ATACK, ADAM COONEY, ADAM
  INGLIS, ADAM LLOYD, ADRIAN WOODFIELD, AL
  DAVIDSON, ALBION GRAY, ANDREW SCHEUBER, ANDY
  ASHTON, ANDY STORRAR, ANDY TILLETT, ANDY
  WEBBER, ANDY YATES`, ANNA, ANNE-MARIE SCOTT,
  AUNTIESASH HAZLEWOOD, BEN BRICE, BEN WARD, BEN
  WATSON, BERTIL HANSSON, BERTRAM WOOSTER, BEX
  COOK, BLOSSOMSHED, BRAD GREGORY, BYRON GEOFFREY
  FARROW, C BOND, CARL MORGAN, CATHERINE
  MCALLISTER, CATROASTER, CHEF TWAT, CHRIS
  BRANCH, CHRIS EVANS, CHRIS GARRATT, CHRIS
  GOUGH, CHRIS PATERSON, CHRIS SAUNDERS, CHRIS
  SHAW, CHRIS WHITWORTH, CIARÁN R, COURTENAY
  FERRIS, CRAIG LIDDELL, CRAIG TONKS, CRAIG
  TURNER, DAMIEN SMITH, DAN STOTT, DANIEL BROWN,
  DANIEL CHOTE, DAVE NATTRISS, DAVE TICKLE, DAVID
  AULT, DAVID CATLEY, DAVID GARDINER, DAVID
  GREEN, DAVID KING, DAVID KNOLL, DAVID MILLS,
  DEREK LAW, DEREK ROBERTS, DOMINIC HAIGH, ED CAN
  DO, ED COOK, EDWARD ALMOND, EMMA LAY, ERIC VON
  BORSTEL, ESSY DAVE, FAITH H. MARTIN, FEARGHAS,
  FERGUS MCKAY, FIONA JAMES, FOURSTAR, FRASER
  LEWRY, FUNKSTER, GAYNOR CLARKSON, GEOFF TIDEY,
  GEOFFREY BALME, GEORGE PRESTON, GIA MILINOVICH,
  GNEISSROCKS, GRAHAM LICENCE, GREENFOX, GREG
  NEILSON, GUS NICOL, HANNAH CHUBB, HEIDI
  COLTHUP, HELEN GASKELL, IAIN, IAIN BRASSINGTON,
  IAIN FULLER, IAIN HENSHAW, IAIN MOFFATT, IAIN
  RUXTON, IAN BEVERIDGE, IAN BOLTZ, IVAN KELLY,
  JAMES CLAYTON, JAMES DONNELLY, JAMES GOLBEY,
  JAMES KERRY-BARNARD, JAMES MACINNES, JAMES
  O'MALLEY, JAMES PEARSON, JAMES SHAKESPEARE,
  JAMIE TAYLOR, JANE BAKER, JASON STEWART, JAY
  ROCHE, JAYMIE THOMAS, JERRY QUARTLEY, JIM
  DABELL, JIM FRAYLING, JIM HALFPENNY, JIM
  MACARTHUR, JIM WOODWARD, JOE BANNER, JOE
  MCNALLY, JOE SIMMONDS, JOEY MOORE, JOHN
  FARAGHER, JOHN FOSTER, JOHN HAMMERSLEY, JOHN
  HIGGS, JOHN MATTHEWS, JOHNNIE SHANNON, JOHNNY
  WATTERS, JONTY WAREING, JOSH MCMILLAN, JOSHUA
  THOMASSON, JUDE EVANS, JUSTIN BRETT, J&#463;M
  MCN&#463;VEN, KATE DEVLIN, KEV ADAMS, KONRAD
  PETRUSEWICZ, LISA WESTHAVEN, LOUISE ALLEN, LUKE
  MEPHAM, MARINA DE JOSLIN, MARK HIBBETT, MARK
  WILSON, MARTIN BEER, MARTIN DAVIES, MARTIN
  HOLLOWAY, MARTIN PEACHE, MATHEW CLAYTON,
  MATSIMPSK, MATT BUCHANAN, MATT DREWRY, MATTHEW
  COLLINGE, MATTHEW FORMAN, MATTHEW MORRIS,
  MATTHEW WILKES, MICK CURTIS, MIDNIGHTRAMBLER,
  MIKE MIDDLETON, MIL JAMIESON, MONTOCAT, NEIL DE
  CARTERET, NICK ROSS, OBIW4N SHINOBI, OLIVER
  BEWES, PAUL CHERRY, PAUL LEADER, PAUL SMITH,
  PAUL WESTERMAN, PETER ASHTRAY, PETER COOMBE,
  PETER GOSLING, PETER MCMINN, PETER WOUDA,
  PHILIP KINCHINGTON, POOKONG, REBECCA MCMANUS,
  RHYS WYNNE, RICH POPE, RICHARD BECKETT, RICHARD
  MATTHIAS, RICK LINDLEY, RIVEN A BUCKLEY, ROB
  AFFLECK, ROB MAHON, ROB VINCENT, ROBBIE LESIUK,
  ROBERT HILLS, ROBIN, ROSS CARTER,
  ROSSOVERTHERE, RUPERT HULL, RYAN DORAN, RYAN
  RHODES, SALEEM AHMAD, SAM ANDERSON, SAM
  RUSSELL, SARAH WILLIAMSON, SCOTT S. KRAMER,
  SEAN CASELY, SIMON COWAN, SIMON HOLMES, SIMON
  MCDOUGALL, SIMON SMITH, SIMON WATERFALL,
  STARLORD MIXTAPE, STEPHEN WALLER, STEVE
  ANGLESEY, STEVE LAKER, STEVE PROWSE, , STEVEN
  SMITH, STEVEY GARLAND, STEWART NOLAN, STUART
  ALLDRED, STUART ASHEN, TIM JOKL, TIM MOUNCER,
  TIM WEAVER, TOM CRICK, TOM HEBBRON, TOM
  REES-WILLIAMS, TOM RYAN, TOM WRIGHT,
  TOWNSENDSPUBLISHER, TYRONNE MANN, VICKI JAKES,
  WIL HADDEN, WILL GOULDEN, GAVIN TOMMEY, IAN
  APPLEBY, PETE, STUART RICHARDS, TOBIE FYSH,
  CARL MESNER LYONS, CHRIS JOHNSON, EMMA SYKES,
  JAN SPIELHOFF, JESS BAKER, JOHN FIELD, MIKE
  CONGREVE, SEAN FLANAGAN, TOM FREKE, ED ZITRON,
  ADAM BEARDWOOD, DAVID STARK, ALASTAIR DODD,
  ALEXANDRE STRUBE, ANDREW ROBINSON, ANDY
  CANDLER, CHRIS GOODE, CONNOR PARSLOW, CRAIG
  NAPLES, DAN TASSE, DANIEL MOELLER, DANNY
  KODICEK, DOMINIC LE GARSMEUR, DUNCAN
  STRICKLAND, HARRY, IRENE SEMANCHUK, JOSEPH
  MULVANEY, JULIE BEACOCK, MARK BENSON, MICHAEL
  KITT, NICKY HEWGILL, PAUL TOPPING, PETER ROYAL,
  RICHARD SPEED, ROSE JOHNSON, SENTIENT MEATBAG,
  TIM BEACHY

  BIG BROTHERS: Deny Coughlan, Peter Cooper, Nick
  Kent, Russ Anderson, 5telios, Adam Kaczmarek,
  Adam Tickner, Al Napp, Alex Wren, Alex
  Wrottesley, Amy Oliver, Andrea Vail, Andrew
  Harris, Andy Nattan, Andy Shirling, Ben, Ben
  Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben Groom, Ben
  Sugden, Ben Webb, Bobod, BSG, Cat Conner,
  Centuries of Sound, Chris Ward, Christina
  Freeman, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Dan
  Fairs, Darren John Harris, Dave The Hammer
  Parry, David Bond, David Ellinor, David
  Whittam, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
  Fenris Games, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Graham
  Freeman, Gwyn Fisher, Hadleigh Charles, Hugh
  Noble, Iain M Barker, Ian Silvester, Ilya, Ivan
  Shiel, Jace Otting, James, James Meers,
  Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John Griffiths,
  John M, Jon Bounds, Julie Brumlik, Lee Ball,
  Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
  madgwick, Mark Ryan, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Matt
  Carr, Matt Loren, Michael Bryan, Mike Booth,
  Mike Carter, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick, Nick
  Murdoch, Nigel Ford, Oli, P Underwood, Paul
  Bayfield, Paul Braithwaite, Paul Mancini, Paul
  Slade, Peter, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
  Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Rob
  Potter, Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan,
  Russell Webster, Sam Brown, Seirian Hanner,
  Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen McAuley,
  Stephen Williams, Stewart C. Russell, Stéphane,
  Swedemason, Tanya Kant, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim
  Knight, Tim Polglase, Tom Clark, Tony East,
  Victoria Wood, wigglywigglyworm, Wine School of
  Philadelphia.

  Please bung us your cash:
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

-------------------------------------------------

: AND SPECIAL THANKS TO ED
  For being our biggest patreon

  Follow him on the Twitter. Go on. He's fabulous.
https://twitter.com/edzitron

-------------------------------------------------

: TOP TIP

  Pub landlords. Rid your pub of people under 35
  by playing The Stone Roses debut album in full.
  (markreynolds95)

  Add your own at:
http://b3ta.com/questions/toptips

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