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NEWSLETTER: "ONLY 69 SLEEPS UNTIL BREXIT!"

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This Week:
* JEFF MINTER - Film announcement 
* CHALLENGE RESULTS - Badly named movies
* JOHN HIGGS - KLF biographer does new book

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're shitting up the
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  internet and making it
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  horrible  ... together"

B3ta e-email 707 - 19 Jan 2019

Read this pretending not to be a ham:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue707

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Solve Brexit: rebrand Remain as Brexit Plus

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: JEFF MINTER FILM ANNOUNCEMENT
  Sheepy gamer gets biopic treatment 

  Dokk writes, "You lot know who Jeff Minter is,
  right..? Because I'm making a film about him.
  The project has been in development for a year
  or so, and the first look teaser is finally
  online. Take a look. You might like it."

  For those who don't remember, Minter made a
  series of legendary computer games in the
  1980/90s including Llamatron, Gridrunner &
  Tempest 2000. He also likes sheep in a way
  that's caused endless rumours.
https://www.b3ta.com/links/You_lot_know_who_Jeff_Minter_is_right

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What idiot didn't use Spike Milligan's epitaph for Beastie Boy MCA's grave?

"I told you I was ill"

 -------------------------------------------------

 : LISTEN TO THE ENTIRETY OF 2017 IN AUDIO
   Centuries Of Sound tackles recent history

  Zuowan writes, "So this is how it usually goes
  - I make mixes for every year of recorded
  sound, I started at 1860 and have worked my way
  forward to 1909. This month, however, we have
  2017. Why? Because I just managed to finish it,
  a year later than scheduled. It has 76 music
  tracks, and around 150 audio samples in total,
  all from 2017, lasts a longer-than-planned
  2h45m, and is supposed to provide a sort of
  soundscape of the year, just when nobody feels
  particularly like reliving 2018, let alone
  2017."
https://centuriesofsound.wordpress.com/2019/01/07/2017/ 


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Pigs in blankets should be available all year
round. They're low-carb sausage rolls with pastry
made of bacon.

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: CES 'INTERNET OF SHIT' COVERAGE
  Don't buy any of this wank ok?

  The International Consumer Electronics Show is
  where new technology goes to die, it was
  probably all cutting edge in the mid 1980s but
  now it's mostly digital grifters trying to
  shill ridiculous Internet Of Things tat like
  bluetooth toothbrushes. Patron No.1, Ed Zitron
  is here to guide you through:
https://twitter.com/edzitron/status/1083476320808398849

-------------------------------------------------

2009: Log on to this Twitter thing to see a funny
post about Stephen Fry stuck in a lift

2019: Shave entire body hair including scrotum
and anus own to the fascists

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: DIGITAL WASTE LECTURE
  "Is it bins?"

  B3ta's resident artist Shardcore has been
  lecturing people on 'digital waste' - it's 18
  mins long which is just long enough to create
  your own milky waste. Four times. 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pGZZzSFqW00

-------------------------------------------------

Writers! Worried about using the word "spoon" too
often in a sentence? We've prepared some handy
synonyms for you:

Scoopy-eaty
Anti-knife
Soup JCB
Webbed fork
English chopstick
Oval-on-a-stick

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: BUY JOHN HIGGS' NEW BOOK
  Yeah. Reading is cool now.

  Higgs is the genius who wrote the KLF book, and
  we're always proud of our small association
  where we featured it in a newsletter and Ben
  Goldacre spotted it, phoned us up and said "is
  this worth reading or are you shilling?" and we
  were "FFS Ben, when we shill, we flag it with
  [sponsored], read it you cunt" and he did and
  was so blown away that he introduced him to his
  agent and thus Higgs' career took to the
  stratosphere. Well at least a step up from B3ta
  newsletter bollocks.

  Anyway - the Higgs has a new book and you
  should pre-order, "The Future Starts Here:
  Adventures in the Twenty-First Century - out
  May 16" he tells us beaming pure illumination
  from his third-eye.
https://amzn.to/2Ro959e 

-------------------------------------------------

Matt Goss's Superstitious quote is very swappable
& still delights:

* I made a conscious decision because of Duran
Duran to not be notorious * I made a conscious
decision because of Kate Bush to not run up hills
* I made a conscious decision because of Michael
Jackson to not be a smooth criminal

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: SITES IN BEEF
  Stuff from outside the official B3ta universe

  * THICK TWITTER - Account devoted to retweeting
  people who think George Orwell wrote Animal
  House. Mean but funny.
https://twitter.com/animalfarmhouse

  * PUNPEDIA - a collection of pun categories and
  examples. "Just discovered this, it's really
  nicely done. Very clean, and the lists are
  great with examples for each pun. A great tool
  for when you're running out of ammunition in a
  pun-war." says JimmerUK.
https://punpedia.org/

  * DOMAIN NAME PRICE QUIZ - neat little test
  that shows you two domain names and asks you to
  pick the most expensive. Kept us busy for a few
  mins and really the best type of quiz as it's
  not testing knowledge but your ability to
  reason.
https://domain-pricing.glitch.me/

  * TRUMP AND HIS FUCKING NOSE BREATHING - "after
  the first 30 seconds I couldn't hear anything
  but his snort" says Perkusfux.
https://b3ta.com/links/Trump_and_his_fucking_nose_breathing

  * CATS ON SYNTHESISERS IN SPACE - remember when
  websites did what they said in the URL?
http://www.catsonsynthesizersinspace.com/

  * ALIEN WOOF - test footage for Alien movie
  where they used a whippet in an Alien costume.
  He's so DOGOO.
https://b3ta.com/links/Alien_film_nearly_featured_a_whippet_in_an_alien_costume

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"How did Facebook get so powerful?" asks website
with links to Facebook on every page they publish.

-------------------------------------------------

: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Rename Films Badly

  Last week we wanted you to rename movies and
  here's some of your best (without images):

  * Never Neverending Story - The 1hr 47m Story *
  The Wolverine - Werewolf Scissorhands * Dune -
  Spice World * The Exorcist - Adventures In
  Babysitting * Rear Window - Nosy Fucker *
  Silence Of The Lambs - The Very Hungry Serial
  Killer * Titanic - Icy Dead People * Nightmare
  On Elm Street - Crispy Dream Nonce (With Stabby
  Glove) * Big - Pubes

  And now see them WITH images. Amazing. Jpegs
  are worth 1000 tweets aren't they?
http://b3ta.com/challenge/renamefilmsbadly


  >> This week: Game of the film <<
  Games based on films have a chequered past,
  let's celebrate this hit and miss (mainly miss)
  genre with our own movie tie-ins. Give modern
  films a C64 makeover or turn Peter Jackson's
  Lord of the Rings trilogy in to a type in
  adventure.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/gameofthefilm

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We've thought up some spare Britpop band names for you:

Derek
Swirl
Orthopaedic shoe
The Collars
Iffy
Radartummy
Fancy Salon
Tom (band)
The Catherines
Lovely
Lambert & Butler
Haberdashery
Calamari
Sniff
Roach
The Hairdressers
Lettuce
Chiffon
Clap

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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Some inspiration to start you off
 
  * ANNOYOBOT 2000 - Register 50 odd accounts;
  stick them on padlock; have them all autofav
  your enemies tweets. It'll drive people mad
  going "who are all these people faving my
  tweets that I can't see?"

  * BEST OF SHIT LOCAL FACEBOOK BLOG - Why not
  join your local community Facebook group so you
  get a phone notification every time a stranger
  in a 2 mile radius moans about the bins?

  * A BUTTON TO TURN OFF THE INTERNET - not quite
  sure how it would work, maybe it could start by
  logging into your Twitter account and blocking
  everyone who tweets.

  * CHECKOUT MY CLOUD SOUNDS - A podcast where
  someone actually listens to all the Soundclouds
  promoted in the wake of the one funny tweet
  going viral.

  Send your work to:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

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Dulux paints that could be Carol King album tracks:

Love Letter
Feather Pillow
Golden Light
Cobalt Night
Angora Blanket
Heart Wood
Floating Petal
Gentle Moon
Narrow Lane

Carol King album tracks that could be Dulux paint:

Morning Sun
Alabaster Lady
Ferguson Road
Fantasy End

-------------------------------------------------

: CREDIT
  Edited by Rob Manuel & ClickBait Robot with
  extra stuff from Monkeon & HappyToast.

-------------------------------------------------

Brexit is collective displacement activity
because we don’t want to think about climate
change.

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS

  BIGGEST BROTHERS: *EUGENIE VT*, *ALEX MORRIS*,
  *HEBTROCO*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*, *JAMES PETTS*,
  *JON GRANT*, *KATE*, *MARK MCCREADIE*, *MR PHIL
  DONNELLY*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
  *STOOBERT*, *24-7 DEATH*, *ALAN CHARLTON*,
  *ALISTAIR*, *ANDREW FLEMMING*, *ANDREW WREN*,
  *BEVAN JOHNSON*, *BRIAN EELES*, *CHRIS
  BLAKENEY*, *CHRIS CARLINE*, *CHRIS LOCKE*,
  *CRISS MORENO*, *GEORGE STEPHENSON*, *GREG
  MCGOWAN*, *IAN SHEEN*, *JAIMIE VANDENBERGH*,
  *JAMES CRONIN*, *JON BINSTEAD*, *MARK ADAMSON*,
  *MICHAEL TRINDER*, *NAT KING COLESLAW*,
  *PATRICK CATES*, *RICHARD BARCLAY*, *SIMON
  NICHOLLS*, *SPAZZCAPTAIN*, *TOM DOLAN*, *WENDY
  GOODE

  BIGGER BROTHERS: NICK MORGAN, LEE BURNETT,
  @MATTDAWHIT, ADAM ATACK, ADAM COONEY, ADAM
  INGLIS, ADAM LLOYD, ADRIAN WOODFIELD, AL
  DAVIDSON, ALBION GRAY, ANDREW SCHEUBER, ANDY
  ASHTON, ANDY STORRAR, ANDY TILLETT, ANDY
  WEBBER, ANDY YATES`, ANNA, ANNE-MARIE SCOTT,
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  BRANCH, CHRIS EVANS, CHRIS GARRATT, CHRIS
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  MATSIMPSK, MATT BUCHANAN, MATT DREWRY, MATTHEW
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  MATTHEW WILKES, MICK CURTIS, MIDNIGHTRAMBLER,
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  BEWES, PAUL CHERRY, PAUL LEADER, PAUL SMITH,
  PAUL WESTERMAN, PETER ASHTRAY, PETER COOMBE,
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  PHILIP KINCHINGTON, POOKONG, REBECCA MCMANUS,
  RHYS WYNNE, RICH POPE, RICHARD BECKETT, RICHARD
  MATTHIAS, RICK LINDLEY, RIVEN A BUCKLEY, ROB
  AFFLECK, ROB MAHON, ROB VINCENT, ROBBIE LESIUK,
  ROBERT HILLS, ROBIN, ROSS CARTER,
  ROSSOVERTHERE, RUPERT HULL, RYAN DORAN, RYAN
  RHODES, SALEEM AHMAD, SAM ANDERSON, SAM
  RUSSELL, SARAH WILLIAMSON, SCOTT S. KRAMER,
  SEAN CASELY, SIMON COWAN, SIMON HOLMES, SIMON
  MCDOUGALL, SIMON SMITH, SIMON WATERFALL,
  STARLORD MIXTAPE, STEPHEN WALLER, STEVE
  ANGLESEY, STEVE LAKER, STEVE PROWSE, , STEVEN
  SMITH, STEVEY GARLAND, STEWART NOLAN, STUART
  ALLDRED, STUART ASHEN, TIM JOKL, TIM MOUNCER,
  TIM WEAVER, TOM CRICK, TOM HEBBRON, TOM
  REES-WILLIAMS, TOM RYAN, TOM WRIGHT,
  TOWNSENDSPUBLISHER, TYRONNE MANN, VICKI JAKES,
  WIL HADDEN, WILL GOULDEN, GAVIN TOMMEY, IAN
  APPLEBY, PETE, STUART RICHARDS, TOBIE FYSH,
  CARL MESNER LYONS, CHRIS JOHNSON, EMMA SYKES,
  JAN SPIELHOFF, JESS BAKER, JOHN FIELD, MIKE
  CONGREVE, SEAN FLANAGAN, TOM FREKE, ED ZITRON,
  ADAM BEARDWOOD, DAVID STARK, ALASTAIR DODD,
  ALEXANDRE STRUBE, ANDREW ROBINSON, ANDY
  CANDLER, CHRIS GOODE, CONNOR PARSLOW, CRAIG
  NAPLES, DAN TASSE, DANIEL MOELLER, DANNY
  KODICEK, DOMINIC LE GARSMEUR, DUNCAN
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  MULVANEY, JULIE BEACOCK, MARK BENSON, MICHAEL
  KITT, NICKY HEWGILL, PAUL TOPPING, PETER ROYAL,
  RICHARD SPEED, ROSE JOHNSON, SENTIENT MEATBAG,
  TIM BEACHY

  BIG BROTHERS: Deny Coughlan, Peter Cooper, Nick
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  Adam Tickner, Al Napp, Alex Wren, Alex
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  Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben Groom, Ben
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-------------------------------------------------

: TOP TIP
  If an orange is too sour for you rather than
  throwing it away, sprinkle a *little* amount of
  salt on each piece as you eat it. It won't make
  it taste salty, but it will neutralise the
  sourness.(Prof KM)

  Add your own at:
http://b3ta.com/questions/toptips

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