NEWSLETTER: "ONLY 69 SLEEPS UNTIL BREXIT!"
This Week:
* JEFF MINTER - Film announcement
* CHALLENGE RESULTS - Badly named movies
* JOHN HIGGS - KLF biographer does new book
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shitting up the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | internet and making it
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| horrible ... together"
B3ta e-email 707 - 19 Jan 2019
Read this pretending not to be a ham:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue707
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Solve Brexit: rebrand Remain as Brexit Plus
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: JEFF MINTER FILM ANNOUNCEMENT
Sheepy gamer gets biopic treatment
Dokk writes, "You lot know who Jeff Minter is,
right..? Because I'm making a film about him.
The project has been in development for a year
or so, and the first look teaser is finally
online. Take a look. You might like it."
For those who don't remember, Minter made a
series of legendary computer games in the
1980/90s including Llamatron, Gridrunner &
Tempest 2000. He also likes sheep in a way
that's caused endless rumours.
https://www.b3ta.com/links/You_lot_know_who_Jeff_M...
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What idiot didn't use Spike Milligan's epitaph for Beastie Boy MCA's grave?
"I told you I was ill"
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: LISTEN TO THE ENTIRETY OF 2017 IN AUDIO
Centuries Of Sound tackles recent history
Zuowan writes, "So this is how it usually goes
- I make mixes for every year of recorded
sound, I started at 1860 and have worked my way
forward to 1909. This month, however, we have
2017. Why? Because I just managed to finish it,
a year later than scheduled. It has 76 music
tracks, and around 150 audio samples in total,
all from 2017, lasts a longer-than-planned
2h45m, and is supposed to provide a sort of
soundscape of the year, just when nobody feels
particularly like reliving 2018, let alone
2017."
https://centuriesofsound.wordpress.com/2019/01/07/...
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Pigs in blankets should be available all year
round. They're low-carb sausage rolls with pastry
made of bacon.
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: CES 'INTERNET OF SHIT' COVERAGE
Don't buy any of this wank ok?
The International Consumer Electronics Show is
where new technology goes to die, it was
probably all cutting edge in the mid 1980s but
now it's mostly digital grifters trying to
shill ridiculous Internet Of Things tat like
bluetooth toothbrushes. Patron No.1, Ed Zitron
is here to guide you through:
https://twitter.com/edzitron/status/10834763208083...
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2009: Log on to this Twitter thing to see a funny
post about Stephen Fry stuck in a lift
2019: Shave entire body hair including scrotum
and anus own to the fascists
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: DIGITAL WASTE LECTURE
"Is it bins?"
B3ta's resident artist Shardcore has been
lecturing people on 'digital waste' - it's 18
mins long which is just long enough to create
your own milky waste. Four times.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
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Writers! Worried about using the word "spoon" too
often in a sentence? We've prepared some handy
synonyms for you:
Scoopy-eaty
Anti-knife
Soup JCB
Webbed fork
English chopstick
Oval-on-a-stick
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: BUY JOHN HIGGS' NEW BOOK
Yeah. Reading is cool now.
Higgs is the genius who wrote the KLF book, and
we're always proud of our small association
where we featured it in a newsletter and Ben
Goldacre spotted it, phoned us up and said "is
this worth reading or are you shilling?" and we
were "FFS Ben, when we shill, we flag it with
[sponsored], read it you cunt" and he did and
was so blown away that he introduced him to his
agent and thus Higgs' career took to the
stratosphere. Well at least a step up from B3ta
newsletter bollocks.
Anyway - the Higgs has a new book and you
should pre-order, "The Future Starts Here:
Adventures in the Twenty-First Century - out
May 16" he tells us beaming pure illumination
from his third-eye.
https://amzn.to/2Ro959e
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Matt Goss's Superstitious quote is very swappable
& still delights:
* I made a conscious decision because of Duran
Duran to not be notorious * I made a conscious
decision because of Kate Bush to not run up hills
* I made a conscious decision because of Michael
Jackson to not be a smooth criminal
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: SITES IN BEEF
Stuff from outside the official B3ta universe
* THICK TWITTER - Account devoted to retweeting
people who think George Orwell wrote Animal
House. Mean but funny.
https://twitter.com/animalfarmhouse
* PUNPEDIA - a collection of pun categories and
examples. "Just discovered this, it's really
nicely done. Very clean, and the lists are
great with examples for each pun. A great tool
for when you're running out of ammunition in a
pun-war." says JimmerUK.
https://punpedia.org/
* DOMAIN NAME PRICE QUIZ - neat little test
that shows you two domain names and asks you to
pick the most expensive. Kept us busy for a few
mins and really the best type of quiz as it's
not testing knowledge but your ability to
reason.
https://domain-pricing.glitch.me/
* TRUMP AND HIS FUCKING NOSE BREATHING - "after
the first 30 seconds I couldn't hear anything
but his snort" says Perkusfux.
https://b3ta.com/links/Trump_and_his_fucking_nose_...
* CATS ON SYNTHESISERS IN SPACE - remember when
websites did what they said in the URL?
http://www.catsonsynthesizersinspace.com/
* ALIEN WOOF - test footage for Alien movie
where they used a whippet in an Alien costume.
He's so DOGOO.
https://b3ta.com/links/Alien_film_nearly_featured_...
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"How did Facebook get so powerful?" asks website
with links to Facebook on every page they publish.
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Rename Films Badly
Last week we wanted you to rename movies and
here's some of your best (without images):
* Never Neverending Story - The 1hr 47m Story *
The Wolverine - Werewolf Scissorhands * Dune -
Spice World * The Exorcist - Adventures In
Babysitting * Rear Window - Nosy Fucker *
Silence Of The Lambs - The Very Hungry Serial
Killer * Titanic - Icy Dead People * Nightmare
On Elm Street - Crispy Dream Nonce (With Stabby
Glove) * Big - Pubes
And now see them WITH images. Amazing. Jpegs
are worth 1000 tweets aren't they?
http://b3ta.com/challenge/renamefilmsbadly
>> This week: Game of the film <<
Games based on films have a chequered past,
let's celebrate this hit and miss (mainly miss)
genre with our own movie tie-ins. Give modern
films a C64 makeover or turn Peter Jackson's
Lord of the Rings trilogy in to a type in
adventure.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/gameofthefilm
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We've thought up some spare Britpop band names for you:
Derek
Swirl
Orthopaedic shoe
The Collars
Iffy
Radartummy
Fancy Salon
Tom (band)
The Catherines
Lovely
Lambert & Butler
Haberdashery
Calamari
Sniff
Roach
The Hairdressers
Lettuce
Chiffon
Clap
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some inspiration to start you off
* ANNOYOBOT 2000 - Register 50 odd accounts;
stick them on padlock; have them all autofav
your enemies tweets. It'll drive people mad
going "who are all these people faving my
tweets that I can't see?"
* BEST OF SHIT LOCAL FACEBOOK BLOG - Why not
join your local community Facebook group so you
get a phone notification every time a stranger
in a 2 mile radius moans about the bins?
* A BUTTON TO TURN OFF THE INTERNET - not quite
sure how it would work, maybe it could start by
logging into your Twitter account and blocking
everyone who tweets.
* CHECKOUT MY CLOUD SOUNDS - A podcast where
someone actually listens to all the Soundclouds
promoted in the wake of the one funny tweet
going viral.
Send your work to:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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Dulux paints that could be Carol King album tracks:
Love Letter
Feather Pillow
Golden Light
Cobalt Night
Angora Blanket
Heart Wood
Floating Petal
Gentle Moon
Narrow Lane
Carol King album tracks that could be Dulux paint:
Morning Sun
Alabaster Lady
Ferguson Road
Fantasy End
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: CREDIT
Edited by Rob Manuel & ClickBait Robot with
extra stuff from Monkeon & HappyToast.
-------------------------------------------------
Brexit is collective displacement activity
because we don’t want to think about climate
change.
-------------------------------------------------
: PATREON THANKS
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*HEBTROCO*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*, *JAMES PETTS*,
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DONNELLY*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
*STOOBERT*, *24-7 DEATH*, *ALAN CHARLTON*,
*ALISTAIR*, *ANDREW FLEMMING*, *ANDREW WREN*,
*BEVAN JOHNSON*, *BRIAN EELES*, *CHRIS
BLAKENEY*, *CHRIS CARLINE*, *CHRIS LOCKE*,
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MCGOWAN*, *IAN SHEEN*, *JAIMIE VANDENBERGH*,
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NICHOLLS*, *SPAZZCAPTAIN*, *TOM DOLAN*, *WENDY
GOODE
BIGGER BROTHERS: NICK MORGAN, LEE BURNETT,
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INGLIS, ADAM LLOYD, ADRIAN WOODFIELD, AL
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ASHTON, ANDY STORRAR, ANDY TILLETT, ANDY
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PAUL WESTERMAN, PETER ASHTRAY, PETER COOMBE,
PETER GOSLING, PETER MCMINN, PETER WOUDA,
PHILIP KINCHINGTON, POOKONG, REBECCA MCMANUS,
RHYS WYNNE, RICH POPE, RICHARD BECKETT, RICHARD
MATTHIAS, RICK LINDLEY, RIVEN A BUCKLEY, ROB
AFFLECK, ROB MAHON, ROB VINCENT, ROBBIE LESIUK,
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CARL MESNER LYONS, CHRIS JOHNSON, EMMA SYKES,
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CONGREVE, SEAN FLANAGAN, TOM FREKE, ED ZITRON,
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RICHARD SPEED, ROSE JOHNSON, SENTIENT MEATBAG,
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BIG BROTHERS: Deny Coughlan, Peter Cooper, Nick
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-------------------------------------------------
: TOP TIP
If an orange is too sour for you rather than
throwing it away, sprinkle a *little* amount of
salt on each piece as you eat it. It won't make
it taste salty, but it will neutralise the
sourness.(Prof KM)
Add your own at:
http://b3ta.com/questions/toptips
