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NEWSLETTER: "DON'T FORGET TO WIND YOUR COCKS FORWARD TONIGHT!"

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This Week:
* JACOB REES-MOGG IS A CUNT - we have proof
* QUIZ - Can YOU find the vegetable?
* ALT-RIGHT - Gently mocked by Larry Grayson

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |   "Ok Poogle, play 
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      some shits!"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  

B3ta CB radio essay 713 - 30 Mar 2019

Read this issue slowly to make it last longer:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue713

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: JACOB REES-MOGG IS A CUNT
  And we have the proof

  You might read the B3ta newsletter to escape
  from such cuntery as Rees-Mogg but this is
  good, we promise you. B3tan Merkinhead has
  worked out that if you fold Jacob's family
  motto it both looks like a cock AND says the
  word "cunt". Genius.
https://www.b3ta.com/board/11282287

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Knock knock
Who's there?
Yes that's correct, it's Roger Daltrey and Pete
Townshend so we'd suggest not mentioning Brexit
or sharing your WiFi password.

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: CRAP ALT-RIGHT TROLLING BOT
  Prison Paul is a twit

  Your editor writes, "I once wrote a bot that
  found people replying to Prison Paul and then
  replied to them with a UK TV catchphrase and
  saw how long it it could keep it going. It was
  quite effective." Oh you are awful, but we like
  you.
https://twitter.com/robmanuel/status/1109969930580049920

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If anyone wants to start a Chiptune Britpop band
we've got a name for you:
Manic Street Miners.

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: QUIZ 'FIND THE VEGETABLE'
  Coz Tomatoes are actually a nut  

  Wildyles writes "I made a site where you have
  to find the vegetable by clicking on the
  vegetable. Are you able?"
https://wildishandco.co.uk/projects/vegetables/

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U2 are called U2 coz no one knows the names of
the other two members: "Fuck off you two, you're
not Bono or The Edge"

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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Content made by people who aren't our friends

  * SWEARY BERCOW - how would you even begin to
  explain Bercow to the uninitiated? In UK
  parliament we have "the speaker" whose job is
  bit like a headmaster, keeping the MPs in order
  during debates, and he's become famous for
  shouting "ORDEUUUUUH!" And now he's a parody
  Twitter account. Of course.
https://twitter.com/BercowSweary

  * CAN YOU DRAW IN A PERFECT CIRCLE? Missing a
  trick by not framing it around the myth that
  only insane people can do this. We couldn't get
  above about 97% on our phone, therefore we're
  not mad.
http://users.ox.ac.uk/~wadh5221/bestcircle/

  * POLICE SQUAD JOKES - being short and snappy,
  they work well on Twitter.
https://twitter.com/policeincolor 

  * BORING VIDEOS ARE COMPELLING - pleasingly
  mundane videos which have been uploaded to
  YouTube without a title. No needy
  like-and-subscribe Youtubers here.
http://defaultfile.name/ 

  * SKULL SEARCH - Neat search engine that allows
  you to search by angle of skull rotation. Which
  is truly the best way to search.
https://x6ud.github.io/

  * IT'S NEARLY AS GOOD AS CHESS IN 1k - Stunning
  1K javascript demo, even has a special ending
https://js1k.com/2019-x/demo/4209 

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No one can remember the plot of any Netflix
series they've watched. Don't email in, you can't
remember, it's a false memory.

-------------------------------------------------

: YAY WE HAVE A NEW NEWSLETTER SPONSOR
  Mediamasters Podcast

  Paul Blanchard has got in touch to sponsor the
  newsletter "My primary purpose is to see you
  prosper! Love your work" and also promote his
  podcast. There's lots of big media names on it
  like Sir Trevor McDonald and Alan Rusbridger,
  so get stuck in:
http://www.mediamasters.fm/

  And if YOU also want to be a big sponsor then
  fill "company sponsorship" in on the old
  Patreon:
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

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If you want some sage advice: serve it with pork.

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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Free ideas for your brain stem
  
  * PARK BENCH QUIZ - you know when you see a
  park bench and it's dedicated to someone who
  died in their 20s, do you try and guess if it's
  suicide, drugs or cancer and then google them?
  Or is this just us? Well, there's an
  interactive quiz right there.

  * KLF INVESTMENT TRACKER - if they'd invested
  £1m in 1994 instead of burning it what would it
  be in Apple shares? Write a bot that tells them
  exactly how many billions they lost out on. Or
  make them feel better by pricing it in Enron
  shares.

  * MAKE ALL GOV PETITIONS INTO REFERENDUMS -
  Every petition should have a button to vote
  against the petition. Make them all referendums
  for maximum chaos and division.  It would be
  very viral. YOU HAVE TO VOTE. THE OTHER SIDE IS
  WINNING.

  * DANNY DYER BOT - "Can't believe it's been
  [exact time since 9/11] since them slags
  smashed into the twin towers it still freaks my
  nut out to this day."

  * A SCOTT WALKER GAMING TRIBUTE - Er.. Scott's
  Walker, press Z & X and "walk" him into Heaven.

  * SIDEIFY -   Spotify but rejigged so it plays
  sides of albums. There's very few acts that
  don't get annoying quite quickly but 4 or 5
  tracks in 18 or 20 minutes chunks and then a
  silence with the implicit question "maybe
  something else now?" is the perfect way to
  enjoy music.

  * ADRIAN MOLE BOT - all his measuring his dick
  in real time via a bot. Reckon it would work
  well, even if it did piss off the estate of Sue
  Townsend.

  Send your shite to:
https://b3ta.com/mailus

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TV Show Pitch: "Three contestants to choose from,
one has gonorrhea, it's THE CLAP TRAP!"

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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Photoshop the films of Ridley Scott

  Ridley Scott rhymes with diddly-squat. Stanley
  Kubrick rhymes with dangly poo-bits. Neither of
  these things are relevant so on with the
  photoshops:

  * ALIENS - brilliant Xenomorph entry, would
  love a whole short movie of this. Thank you
  (a)lexistwit.
http://b3ta.com/board/11281602

  * BLADE RUNNER - Monkeon mashing up old
  computer mags and Blade Runner to amusing
  effect. BTW: Just misspelt Blade Runner as
  Bladder Runner and there's something in that.
  70 y/o Deckard stumbling around future-city and
  not finding anywhere for a piss.
http://b3ta.com/board/11282189

  * MORE BLADE RUNNER - nice Facebook gag from
  S4RK.
https://b3ta.com/board/11282232

  * See all the other images from the 'Ridley
  Scott' challenge.
https://b3ta.com/challenge/RidleyScott/popular/


  >> This week: SuperheroSoapOperas <<
  We're combining two of the nations favourite
  things, superheroes and soap operas. Show us
  the Avengers of Albert Square and Batman in
  Brookside. It's Soaperheroes week!
http://b3ta.com/challenge/superherosoapoperas

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"The Rob Manual (A Guide To Burglary) by Rob
Manuel" If any publishers out there want to write
that for us your B3ta editor will stick his name
on it for cash.

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS
  We love you

  * BIGGEST BROTHERS: *EUGENIE VT*, *ALEX
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  *STOOBERT*, *24-7 DEATH*, *ALAN CHARLTON*,
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  NICHOLLS*, *SPAZZCAPTAIN*, *TOM DOLAN*, *WENDY
  GOODE

  * BIGGER BROTHERS: NICK MORGAN, LEE BURNETT,
  @MATTDAWHIT, ADAM ATACK, ADAM COONEY, ADAM
  INGLIS, ADAM LLOYD, ADRIAN WOODFIELD, AL
  DAVIDSON, ALBION GRAY, ANDREW SCHEUBER, ANDY
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  GNEISSROCKS, GRAHAM LICENCE, GREENFOX, GREG
  NEILSON, GUS NICOL, HANNAH CHUBB, HEIDI
  COLTHUP, HELEN GASKELL, IAIN, IAIN BRASSINGTON,
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  RUXTON, IAN BEVERIDGE, IAN BOLTZ, IVAN KELLY,
  JAMES CLAYTON, JAMES DONNELLY, JAMES GOLBEY,
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  O'MALLEY, JAMES PEARSON, JAMES SHAKESPEARE,
  JAMIE TAYLOR, JANE BAKER, JASON STEWART, JAY
  ROCHE, JAYMIE THOMAS, JERRY QUARTLEY, JIM
  DABELL, JIM FRAYLING, JIM HALFPENNY, JIM
  MACARTHUR, JIM WOODWARD, JOE BANNER, JOE
  MCNALLY, JOE SIMMONDS, JOEY MOORE, JOHN
  FARAGHER, JOHN FOSTER, JOHN HAMMERSLEY, JOHN
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  MATTHEW WILKES, MICK CURTIS, MIDNIGHTRAMBLER,
  MIKE MIDDLETON, MIL JAMIESON, MONTOCAT, NEIL DE
  CARTERET, NICK ROSS, OBIW4N SHINOBI, OLIVER
  BEWES, PAUL CHERRY, PAUL LEADER, PAUL SMITH,
  PAUL WESTERMAN, PETER ASHTRAY, PETER COOMBE,
  PETER GOSLING, PETER MCMINN, PETER WOUDA,
  PHILIP KINCHINGTON, POOKONG, REBECCA MCMANUS,
  RHYS WYNNE, RICH POPE, RICHARD BECKETT, RICHARD
  MATTHIAS, RICK LINDLEY, RIVEN A BUCKLEY, ROB
  AFFLECK, ROB MAHON, ROB VINCENT, ROBBIE LESIUK,
  ROBERT HILLS, ROBIN, ROSS CARTER,
  ROSSOVERTHERE, RUPERT HULL, RYAN DORAN, RYAN
  RHODES, SALEEM AHMAD, SAM ANDERSON, SAM
  RUSSELL, SARAH WILLIAMSON, SCOTT S. KRAMER,
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  MCDOUGALL, SIMON SMITH, SIMON WATERFALL,
  STARLORD MIXTAPE, STEPHEN WALLER, STEVE
  ANGLESEY, STEVE LAKER, STEVE PROWSE, , STEVEN
  SMITH, STEVEY GARLAND, STEWART NOLAN, STUART
  ALLDRED, STUART ASHEN, TIM JOKL, TIM MOUNCER,
  TIM WEAVER, TOM CRICK, TOM HEBBRON, TOM
  REES-WILLIAMS, TOM RYAN, TOM WRIGHT,
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  KITT, NICKY HEWGILL, PAUL TOPPING, PETER ROYAL,
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  TIM BEACHY

  * BIG BROTHERS: Deny Coughlan, Peter Cooper,
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Newsletter written by Rob Manuel with some help
from Monkeon, Matt Round Wil & Kris. Alt
newsletter title: "B3ta Newsletter Editor loses
no-confidence vote from readers for the 18th year
running.") 

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: AND SPECIAL THANKS TO ED
  For being our patreon

  Follow him on the Twitter. Go on.
https://twitter.com/edzitron

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Britain is going great: we haven't got a fucking
clue what to do. Seriously, does anyone? We've
crawled out of the sea, got clever, fucked the
planet and there's no solution. Britain is just
ahead of the curve in losing our minds early.

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: TOP TIP
  When you buy beef mince, flatten it as much as
  you can in cling wrap before you freeze it.
  then when you want a piece for a burger or
  whatnot, you can snap it off easy, and it
  defrosts really quickly. (hixy)
http://b3ta.com/questions/toptips

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