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NEWSLETTER: "FOR ANYONE WORRIED ABOUT THEIR A-LEVELS: REMEMBER THAT IT'S TOO LATE TO STOP CLIMATE CHANGE & MOST OF YOU WILL DIE FIGHTING FOR WATER"

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This Week:
* QUIZ - SERIAL KILLER OR PROGRAMMER, IT RETURNS
* SONG - WRITTEN WITH WORDS TO ANNOY REES-MOGG
* SHIT POETRY - YES, POETRY ABOUT SHIT

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |   "We've gone and saved  
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      web by mistake"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| 

B3ta electric e-email 722 - 11th Aug 2019

Read this issue squeaky voice like Julie Birchill:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue722

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK
  Other than making suspicious jam

  * QUIZ TIME - Matt Round has brought back his
  famous Coder or Serial Killer quiz which he
  launched in ooh about 1977, and he's redone it
  using fancy modern technology so it works on
  your phone. Thanks Steve Jobs for fucking up
  FLASH - you dead cunt.
https://vole.wtf/coder-serial-killer-quiz/

  * POEM TIME - Mike Rampton has written a poem
  about curling one off a boat and presented it
  using the same kind of cuntery that was
  fashionable on news websites in 2013.
http://mikerampton.com/pooingoffaboat/

  * HISTORY TIME - Jonty has been making
  snapshots of every UK gov website from the
  1990s. Sounds dry, but it's fascinating in a
  rubbish old design kind of way.
https://gist.github.com/Jonty/3e392ca2c932a9bc423a697ca3bc77a9

  * SONG TIME - Dan Bull writes, "British
  politician Jacob Rees-Mogg has released a list
  of words he wants banned in Parliament. So,
  I've made a song including all of them."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fL3UWruSZU

-------------------------------------------------

Britain could be improved in moment with a simple
cull of anyone who pays the Telegraph paywall.

Tip: You can get past the Spectator paywall by
adding /amp to any of their URLS.

-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  1-on-1 ragdoll Subbuteo-style game

  Football is shit because it's used as a bonding
  exercise between men and basically we were
  never included. However this game is fun
  because it makes it more like flicking
  rubber-bands.
https://rujogames.itch.io/a-small-world-cup

-------------------------------------------------

Tomato paste is made of tomatoes. Toothpaste?
We'll leave you to join the dots.

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Websites. Remember them? Nope.

  * "JOURNALIST HERE, CAN WE USE THIS PIC?" -
  When a hack asks for permission to use a tweet,
  this site automatically collects them, which is
  a rather ingenious way to discover breaking
  stories. Should you want another way for the
  relentless drip of awfulness to infest your
  every waking moment.
https://bbbreakingnews.com

  * LEARN ABOUT 'MINCED OATHS' - Did you know
  "struth!"is actually short for God's Truth?
  Well "snails!" is similar curse and it's short
  for God's Nails which leads to characters in
  medieval plays shouting "SNAILS!" every so
  often. Also 'sugar' is a soft word for shit. So
  we should call that Amstrad twat Alan Shit.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minced_oath

  * IS THIS THE FIRST GAMING EASTER EGG? -
  Fairchild Channel F was a Pong-era gaming
  console in the 1970s, and the coder managed to
  slip his name into the game if you waggle the
  joypad a bit. A "Kilroy woz ere" of digital
  archeology.  
https://selectbutton.net/t/i-found-an-easter-egg-from-1977/8828

  * BOWIE INTERVIEW - Bowie's impersonation of
  Jagger is so funny, describing a moment where
  he saw the Rolling Stones play a show in the
  early 60s and a local geezer took the piss out
  of their long hair. 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N7-7HJCXx10

 * COW TYPO GENERATOR - Glitch seem to be keen on
 bringing back the weird web, and this nonsense
 fits into that category.
https://bovine-obstruction.glitch.me

  * OLD TECH SOUND FX - lose yourself in the
  sounds of old calculator, tape recorders and
  hair dryers, all beautifully recorded and
  preserved to confuse the young.
https://www.conservethesound.de/category/sound

-------------------------------------------------

According to "Talk To Frank" there are six
letters of the alphabet that are also names for
drugs.

C - Cocaine
H - Heroin
E - Ecstasy 
L - LSD
X - Ecstacy
K - Ketamine

Which means there are 20 letters to play for.
We're offering up:

G - Glue
B - Boddingtons 
R - Retweets

-------------------------------------------------

: PODCAST OF THE WEEK
  The Last Days of August

  Jon Ronson's latest podcast explores the death
  of adult actress August Ames who killed herself
  following the backlash from a tweet. What
  pushed her over the edge? The toxic culture of
  Twitter; the Porn industry; her boyfriend? Find
  out in this fascinating look at an industry
  "built on the backs of the mentally ill."
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-last-days-of-august/id1258779354

-------------------------------------------------

What name do you imagine Alan Sugar uses for his
penis?

Little Alan
Lord Pointy
The Sugar Stick
The Amstraddle

-------------------------------------------------

: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Summer Special

  Here's the best images from last week:

  * RED RUM from 2kindsofherring.
http://b3ta.com/board/11292317

  * "YOU MANIACS, YOU BLEW IT UP!" from cumquat may.
http://b3ta.com/board/11292418

  * AND THIS ONE from  Alligator.
http://b3ta.com/board/11292246

  * See all the other images from the 'Summer
  Special' challenge:
https://b3ta.com/challenge/summerspecial/popular/


  >> This week: Unlikely Movie Adaptations <<
  The same old films are getting made and remade,
  Hollywood needs to look further afield for
  source material so let's give them some ideas.
  Make movie adaptions of reference books,
  scientific papers, life stories and anything
  else they'd never think of looking at.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/unlikelyadaptations

-------------------------------------------------

Bizarre Love Triangle. You don't want to know
what Hooky does with a Toblerone.

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Make some guff and become "e-mail famous"

  * COPYRIGHT ADVICE BOT - a bot that replies
  every time a journalist asks to use viral pics
  and posts a link on how much to charge.

  * BORIS WATCH - a Telegraph reader tells us,
  'I'm enjoying the use of "Boris" vs "Johnson"
  as a tell of who actually hates him, even
  within the Telegraph. It's like a secret code
  I've accidentally uncovered. Like "Brexiteer"
  vs "Brexiter"' Could be a nice data journalist
  project for someone.

  * JIVE BUNNY WAS NUMBER ONE, 30 YEARS AGO THIS
  WEEK - it would now be possible to make a 'Jive
  Bunny' out of Acid House records, and it would
  be the same distance from acid house as the
  original would be from rock and roll.
  
-------------------------------------------------

The four ages of clever monkey watching technological progress:

Jules Verne: The future is going to be amazing
HG Wells: Well it might not be, but it could be
George Orwell: Nah, it's going to be awful
Douglas Adams: Yes, but we can laugh at it

-------------------------------------------------

: YAY WE HAVE A NEW(ISH-ISH) NEWSLETTER SPONSOR
  Mediamasters Podcast

  Paul Blanchard has got in touch to sponsor the
  newsletter "My primary purpose is to see you
  prosper! Love your work" and also promote his
  podcast. There's lots of big media names on it
  like Sir Trevor McDonald and Alan Rusbridger,
  so get stuck in:
http://www.mediamasters.fm/

-------------------------------------------------

The film Yesterday but only you remember Fawlty
Towers. And you take the scripts to BBC who say
"this is good but it's not what we're looking
for, BTW: Eastenders needs some writers" And then
you've got a new job but you're horribly out of
your depth and you're fired.

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS

  * BIGGEST BROTHERS: *EUGENIE VT*, *ALEX
  MORRIS*, *HEBTROCO*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*, *JAMES
  PETTS*, *JON GRANT*, *KATE*, *MARK MCCREADIE*,
  *MR PHIL DONNELLY*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
  *STOOBERT*, *24-7 DEATH*, *ALAN CHARLTON*,
  *ALISTAIR*, *ANDREW FLEMMING*, *ANDREW WREN*,
  *BEVAN JOHNSON*, *BRIAN EELES*, *CHRIS
  BLAKENEY*, *CHRIS CARLINE*, *CHRIS LOCKE*,
  *CRISS MORENO*, *GEORGE STEPHENSON*, *GREG
  MCGOWAN*, *IAN SHEEN*, *JAIMIE VANDENBERGH*,
  *JAMES CRONIN*, *JON BINSTEAD*, *MARK ADAMSON*,
  *MICHAEL TRINDER*, *NAT KING COLESLAW*,
  *PATRICK CATES*, *RICHARD BARCLAY*, *SIMON
  NICHOLLS*, *SPAZZCAPTAIN*, *TOM DOLAN*, *WENDY
  GOODE

  * BIGGER BROTHERS: NICK MORGAN, LEE BURNETT,
  @MATTDAWHIT, ADAM ATACK, ADAM COONEY, ADAM
  INGLIS, ADAM LLOYD, ADRIAN WOODFIELD, AL
  DAVIDSON, ALBION GRAY, ANDREW SCHEUBER, ANDY
  ASHTON, ANDY STORRAR, ANDY TILLETT, ANDY
  WEBBER, ANDY YATES`, ANNA, ANNE-MARIE SCOTT,
  AUNTIESASH HAZLEWOOD, BEN BRICE, BEN WARD, BEN
  WATSON, BERTIL HANSSON, BERTRAM WOOSTER, BEX
  COOK, BLOSSOMSHED, BRAD GREGORY, BYRON GEOFFREY
  FARROW, C BOND, CARL MORGAN, CATHERINE
  MCALLISTER, CATROASTER, CHEF TWAT, CHRIS
  BRANCH, CHRIS EVANS, CHRIS GARRATT, CHRIS
  GOUGH, CHRIS PATERSON, CHRIS SAUNDERS, CHRIS
  SHAW, CHRIS WHITWORTH, CIARÁN R, COURTENAY
  FERRIS, CRAIG LIDDELL, CRAIG TONKS, CRAIG
  TURNER, DAMIEN SMITH, DAN STOTT, DANIEL BROWN,
  DANIEL CHOTE, DAVE NATTRISS, DAVE TICKLE, DAVID
  AULT, DAVID CATLEY, DAVID GARDINER, DAVID
  GREEN, DAVID KING, DAVID KNOLL, DAVID MILLS,
  DEREK LAW, DEREK ROBERTS, DOMINIC HAIGH, ED CAN
  DO, ED COOK, EDWARD ALMOND, EMMA LAY, ERIC VON
  BORSTEL, ESSY DAVE, FAITH H. MARTIN, FEARGHAS,
  FERGUS MCKAY, FIONA JAMES, FOURSTAR, FRASER
  LEWRY, FUNKSTER, GAYNOR CLARKSON, GEOFF TIDEY,
  GEOFFREY BALME, GEORGE PRESTON, GIA MILINOVICH,
  GNEISSROCKS, GRAHAM LICENCE, GREENFOX, GREG
  NEILSON, GUS NICOL, HANNAH CHUBB, HEIDI
  COLTHUP, HELEN GASKELL, IAIN, IAIN BRASSINGTON,
  IAIN FULLER, IAIN HENSHAW, IAIN MOFFATT, IAIN
  RUXTON, IAN BEVERIDGE, IAN BOLTZ, IVAN KELLY,
  JAMES CLAYTON, JAMES DONNELLY, JAMES GOLBEY,
  JAMES KERRY-BARNARD, JAMES MACINNES, JAMES
  O'MALLEY, JAMES PEARSON, JAMES SHAKESPEARE,
  JAMIE TAYLOR, JANE BAKER, JASON STEWART, JAY
  ROCHE, JAYMIE THOMAS, JERRY QUARTLEY, JIM
  DABELL, JIM FRAYLING, JIM HALFPENNY, JIM
  MACARTHUR, JIM WOODWARD, JOE BANNER, JOE
  MCNALLY, JOE SIMMONDS, JOEY MOORE, JOHN
  FARAGHER, JOHN FOSTER, JOHN HAMMERSLEY, JOHN
  HIGGS, JOHN MATTHEWS, JOHNNIE SHANNON, JOHNNY
  WATTERS, JONTY WAREING, JOSH MCMILLAN, JOSHUA
  THOMASSON, JUDE EVANS, JUSTIN BRETT, J&#463;M
  MCN&#463;VEN, KATE DEVLIN, KEV ADAMS, KONRAD
  PETRUSEWICZ, LISA WESTHAVEN, LOUISE ALLEN, LUKE
  MEPHAM, MARINA DE JOSLIN, MARK HIBBETT, MARK
  WILSON, MARTIN BEER, MARTIN DAVIES, MARTIN
  HOLLOWAY, MARTIN PEACHE, MATHEW CLAYTON,
  MATSIMPSK, MATT BUCHANAN, MATT DREWRY, MATTHEW
  COLLINGE, MATTHEW FORMAN, MATTHEW MORRIS,
  MATTHEW WILKES, MICK CURTIS, MIDNIGHTRAMBLER,
  MIKE MIDDLETON, MIL JAMIESON, MONTOCAT, NEIL DE
  CARTERET, NICK ROSS, OBIW4N SHINOBI, OLIVER
  BEWES, PAUL CHERRY, PAUL LEADER, PAUL SMITH,
  PAUL WESTERMAN, PETER ASHTRAY, PETER COOMBE,
  PETER GOSLING, PETER MCMINN, PETER WOUDA,
  PHILIP KINCHINGTON, POOKONG, REBECCA MCMANUS,
  RHYS WYNNE, RICH POPE, RICHARD BECKETT, RICHARD
  MATTHIAS, RICK LINDLEY, RIVEN A BUCKLEY, ROB
  AFFLECK, ROB MAHON, ROB VINCENT, ROBBIE LESIUK,
  ROBERT HILLS, ROBIN, ROSS CARTER,
  ROSSOVERTHERE, RUPERT HULL, RYAN DORAN, RYAN
  RHODES, SALEEM AHMAD, SAM ANDERSON, SAM
  RUSSELL, SARAH WILLIAMSON, SCOTT S. KRAMER,
  SEAN CASELY, SIMON COWAN, SIMON HOLMES, SIMON
  MCDOUGALL, SIMON SMITH, SIMON WATERFALL,
  STARLORD MIXTAPE, STEPHEN WALLER, STEVE
  ANGLESEY, STEVE LAKER, STEVE PROWSE, , STEVEN
  SMITH, STEVEY GARLAND, STEWART NOLAN, STUART
  ALLDRED, STUART ASHEN, TIM JOKL, TIM MOUNCER,
  TIM WEAVER, TOM CRICK, TOM HEBBRON, TOM
  REES-WILLIAMS, TOM RYAN, TOM WRIGHT,
  TOWNSENDSPUBLISHER, TYRONNE MANN, VICKI JAKES,
  WIL HADDEN, WILL GOULDEN, GAVIN TOMMEY, IAN
  APPLEBY, PETE, STUART RICHARDS, TOBIE FYSH,
  CARL MESNER LYONS, CHRIS JOHNSON, EMMA SYKES,
  JAN SPIELHOFF, JESS BAKER, JOHN FIELD, MIKE
  CONGREVE, SEAN FLANAGAN, TOM FREKE, ED ZITRON,
  ADAM BEARDWOOD, DAVID STARK, ALASTAIR DODD,
  ALEXANDRE STRUBE, ANDREW ROBINSON, ANDY
  CANDLER, CHRIS GOODE, CONNOR PARSLOW, CRAIG
  NAPLES, DAN TASSE, DANIEL MOELLER, DANNY
  KODICEK, DOMINIC LE GARSMEUR, DUNCAN
  STRICKLAND, HARRY, IRENE SEMANCHUK, JOSEPH
  MULVANEY, JULIE BEACOCK, MARK BENSON, MICHAEL
  KITT, NICKY HEWGILL, PAUL TOPPING, PETER ROYAL,
  RICHARD SPEED, ROSE JOHNSON, SENTIENT MEATBAG,
  TIM BEACHY

  * BIG BROTHERS: Deny Coughlan, Peter Cooper,
  Nick Kent, Russ Anderson, 5telios, Adam
  Kaczmarek, Adam Tickner, Al Napp, Alex Wren,
  Alex Wrottesley, Amy Oliver, Andrea Vail,
  Andrew Harris, Andy Nattan, Andy Shirling, Ben,
  Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben Groom, Ben
  Sugden, Ben Webb, Bobod, BSG, Cat Conner,
  Centuries of Sound, Chris Ward, Christina
  Freeman, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Dan
  Fairs, Darren John Harris, Dave The Hammer
  Parry, David Bond, David Ellinor, David
  Whittam, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
  Fenris Games, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Graham
  Freeman, Gwyn Fisher, Hadleigh Charles, Hugh
  Noble, Iain M Barker, Ian Silvester, Ilya, Ivan
  Shiel, Jace Otting, James, James Meers,
  Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John Griffiths,
  John M, Jon Bounds, Julie Brumlik, Lee Ball,
  Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
  madgwick, Mark Ryan, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Matt
  Carr, Matt Loren, Michael Bryan, Mike Booth,
  Mike Carter, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick, Nick
  Murdoch, Nigel Ford, Oli, P Underwood, Paul
  Bayfield, Paul Braithwaite, Paul Mancini, Paul
  Slade, Peter, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
  Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Rob
  Potter, Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan,
  Russell Webster, Sam Brown, Seirian Hanner,
  Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen McAuley,
  Stephen Williams, Stewart C. Russell, Stéphane,
  Swedemason, Tanya Kant, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim
  Knight, Tim Polglase, Tom Clark, Tony East,
  Victoria Wood, wigglywigglyworm, Wine School of
  Philadelphia.

  Also thanks to Monkeon, HappyToast, Sn0tters &
  Matt Round.

  Please bung us your cash or fuck off:
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

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