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NEWSLETTER: "WANT TO FEEL OLD? CATCH SIGHT OF YOUR OWN FACE REFLECTED IN THE LAPTOP SCREEN MID WANK"

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This Week:
* SUNSETS - And how to find them
* VAMPIRES - More concentrated in the south UK
* DEEP FAKES - Uk politics blah blah blah

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're chewing up bits of 
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ | paper and wanging them at
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  the ceiling... together"

B3ta electronic e-mail 723 - 16th Aug 2019

Read this issue whilst sticking your tongue out:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue723

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Other than making lots of poo and wee. Hooray! 

  >> Work Reply Soundboard <<
  In a professional setting it can be hard to
  find the right words to get across your
  emotional reaction to requests & feedback, so
  Matt Round has built this tool to help. Our
  review? "Fine."
https://vole.wtf/work-reply-soundboard/

  >> Deep Fake Jacob Rees-Mogg <<
  Shardcore writes, "been tinkering with some
  deepfakery...Jacob Rees-Mogg and The Child
  Catcher from Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang." There's
  also plenty of information in the blog post on
  how to do it yourself. BTW: TV commissioning
  types who are obviously commissioning a Deep
  Fakes comedy show as we type - remember to
  spend the money on writing rather than the
  tech. The tech isn't expensive. Good writing
  is.
http://www.shardcore.org/shardpress2019/2019/08/15/the-war-against-rees-mogg-part-i/

  >> Sunset webcam finder <<
  Monkeon writes, "Webcams are relaxing to watch,
  as are sunrises and sunsets. To combine the
  two, I've made a list of 100 webcams from
  around the world and then used the
  sunrise-sunset.org API to flag up those which
  are broadcasting a sunrise or sunset at this
  very moment." Zambia's the best one we've seen,
  as you get a firefly light show at dusk. 
https://monkeon.co.uk/sunrisesearch/

  >> What percent of the UK are vampires? <<
  Matt Round has also used Google Surveys to
  generate statistically significant data about
  werewolves and vampires. People in London are
  more likely to think of themselves as vampires
  - and empirically we suspect the rest of the
  country would agree.
https://vole.wtf/they-walk-among-us/

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Location & kissing - a guide

French kiss: w/ tongues 
Glasgow kiss: w/ forehead
Australian kiss: much like a French kiss, only
down-under.
New Zealand kiss: like a Australian kiss, down
under and round a bit. Rimming.

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: BOOK RECOMMENDATION
  The Ministry of Truth: A Biography of George
  Orwell's 1984

  This week we've been mostly reading Dorian
  Lynskey's book on Orwell's Nineteen
  Eighty-Four. Best bit? Still laughing at HG
  Wells falling out with Orwell over Orwell
  characterising Wells' work in a limited way and
  Wells writing to him "Read my early works, you
  shit" So Alan Partridge.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B07L365WC5/b3ta-21

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What idiot called this Utah Saints' K Bush
sampling hit 'Something Good' instead of "Are You
On 1 Katie?"

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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Content made by bastards who don't post on B3ta

  * DAILY MAIL RANDOM GENERATOR - Some cunt put
  this code together to generate fake headlines
  and the accompanying articles. It's scary how
  well it works. 
https://daily-fail-generator.herokuapp.com/

  * JAPANESE MONEY INTERACTIVE - Simple game
  where you have to pay for things with Japanase
  money and try and get as little change in coins
  as possible. Maybe it was because we worked in
  bars, when younger, and enjoyed all that
  overpaying to make the change neat, that we
  found this utterly compelling.
https://wendal.itch.io/japanese-money-simulator

  * GORBACHEV'S PIZZA HUT AD - a ridiculous ad
  from the recent past featuring the ex USSR
  premier chomping down on the delicious cheese
  of capitalism.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fgm14D1jHUw

  * MAN DUETS "POSTMAN PAT" WITH KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
  - Comedy is an elusive thing, pretty sure this
  wouldn't sound funny if you read it as a script
  but it's extraordinarily good.
https://b3ta.com/links/George_Cottier_is_Back

  * GAME SOUNDTRACK DOWNLOADS - Stuff your phone
  with a load of MP3s from old games and pretend
  you're Mario whilst jumping on fungus & walking
  the dog in the local murder park.
https://downloads.khinsider.com/

  * CREEPY MAN GOES "GARDENING" - someone is a
  fan of NosyBonk we think. 
https://b3ta.com/links/Quintens_been_gardening

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Knock knock
Who's there?
Spices
Cumin?
Yes I will thank you

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Send us some shit and we'll link it (maybe)
  
  * WAR ON HASHTAGS - A bot that monitors which
  hashtags Tory politicians are using and
  immediately switches to posting sweaty dicks on
  them. Yes it would get banned in minutes. Might
  need the Russian Bot Army to do it, so there's
  new bots created as fast as they're deleted.
  Get to work comrades.

  * RINGO DRUM MACHINE - noticed that there's no
  photos of the Beatles' drummer playing an
  electronic drum machine. So please make an art
  project where an animatronic Starr plays a real
  drum kit. Whilst we have a wank.

  * ABBA ROAD - With the Abbey Road anniversary
  we went to play the LP and typed "Ab" and it
  auto-suggested ABBA and we thought "there's a
  mashup idea for someone". Benny Lane. Job done.

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What's the difference between USA and USB?

One has a white lead and never seems to be the
correct way round, the other is an industry
standard for cables.

Read some jokes or write your own:
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/all/

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: YAY WE HAVE A NEW(ISH-ISH) NEWSLETTER SPONSOR
  Mediamasters Podcast

  Paul Blanchard has got in touch to sponsor the
  newsletter "My primary purpose is to see you
  prosper! Love your work" and also promote his
  podcast. There's lots of big media names on it
  like Sir Trevor McDonald and Alan Rusbridger,
  so get stuck in:
http://www.mediamasters.fm/

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Controversial football opinion: the plural of
football is feetballs.

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS

  * BIGGEST BROTHERS: *EUGENIE VT*, *ALEX
  MORRIS*, *HEBTROCO*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*, *JAMES
  PETTS*, *JON GRANT*, *KATE*, *MARK MCCREADIE*,
  *MR PHIL DONNELLY*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
  *STOOBERT*, *24-7 DEATH*, *ALAN CHARLTON*,
  *ALISTAIR*, *ANDREW FLEMMING*, *ANDREW WREN*,
  *BEVAN JOHNSON*, *BRIAN EELES*, *CHRIS
  BLAKENEY*, *CHRIS CARLINE*, *CHRIS LOCKE*,
  *CRISS MORENO*, *GEORGE STEPHENSON*, *GREG
  MCGOWAN*, *IAN SHEEN*, *JAIMIE VANDENBERGH*,
  *JAMES CRONIN*, *JON BINSTEAD*, *MARK ADAMSON*,
  *MICHAEL TRINDER*, *NAT KING COLESLAW*,
  *PATRICK CATES*, *RICHARD BARCLAY*, *SIMON
  NICHOLLS*, *SPAZZCAPTAIN*, *TOM DOLAN*, *WENDY
  GOODE

  * BIGGER BROTHERS: NICK MORGAN, LEE BURNETT,
  @MATTDAWHIT, ADAM ATACK, ADAM COONEY, ADAM
  INGLIS, ADAM LLOYD, ADRIAN WOODFIELD, AL
  DAVIDSON, ALBION GRAY, ANDREW SCHEUBER, ANDY
  ASHTON, ANDY STORRAR, ANDY TILLETT, ANDY
  WEBBER, ANDY YATES`, ANNA, ANNE-MARIE SCOTT,
  AUNTIESASH HAZLEWOOD, BEN BRICE, BEN WARD, BEN
  WATSON, BERTIL HANSSON, BERTRAM WOOSTER, BEX
  COOK, BLOSSOMSHED, BRAD GREGORY, BYRON GEOFFREY
  FARROW, C BOND, CARL MORGAN, CATHERINE
  MCALLISTER, CATROASTER, CHEF TWAT, CHRIS
  BRANCH, CHRIS EVANS, CHRIS GARRATT, CHRIS
  GOUGH, CHRIS PATERSON, CHRIS SAUNDERS, CHRIS
  SHAW, CHRIS WHITWORTH, CIARÁN R, COURTENAY
  FERRIS, CRAIG LIDDELL, CRAIG TONKS, CRAIG
  TURNER, DAMIEN SMITH, DAN STOTT, DANIEL BROWN,
  DANIEL CHOTE, DAVE NATTRISS, DAVE TICKLE, DAVID
  AULT, DAVID CATLEY, DAVID GARDINER, DAVID
  GREEN, DAVID KING, DAVID KNOLL, DAVID MILLS,
  DEREK LAW, DEREK ROBERTS, DOMINIC HAIGH, ED CAN
  DO, ED COOK, EDWARD ALMOND, EMMA LAY, ERIC VON
  BORSTEL, ESSY DAVE, FAITH H. MARTIN, FEARGHAS,
  FERGUS MCKAY, FIONA JAMES, FOURSTAR, FRASER
  LEWRY, FUNKSTER, GAYNOR CLARKSON, GEOFF TIDEY,
  GEOFFREY BALME, GEORGE PRESTON, GIA MILINOVICH,
  GNEISSROCKS, GRAHAM LICENCE, GREENFOX, GREG
  NEILSON, GUS NICOL, HANNAH CHUBB, HEIDI
  COLTHUP, HELEN GASKELL, IAIN, IAIN BRASSINGTON,
  IAIN FULLER, IAIN HENSHAW, IAIN MOFFATT, IAIN
  RUXTON, IAN BEVERIDGE, IAN BOLTZ, IVAN KELLY,
  JAMES CLAYTON, JAMES DONNELLY, JAMES GOLBEY,
  JAMES KERRY-BARNARD, JAMES MACINNES, JAMES
  O'MALLEY, JAMES PEARSON, JAMES SHAKESPEARE,
  JAMIE TAYLOR, JANE BAKER, JASON STEWART, JAY
  ROCHE, JAYMIE THOMAS, JERRY QUARTLEY, JIM
  DABELL, JIM FRAYLING, JIM HALFPENNY, JIM
  MACARTHUR, JIM WOODWARD, JOE BANNER, JOE
  MCNALLY, JOE SIMMONDS, JOEY MOORE, JOHN
  FARAGHER, JOHN FOSTER, JOHN HAMMERSLEY, JOHN
  HIGGS, JOHN MATTHEWS, JOHNNIE SHANNON, JOHNNY
  WATTERS, JONTY WAREING, JOSH MCMILLAN, JOSHUA
  THOMASSON, JUDE EVANS, JUSTIN BRETT, J&#463;M
  MCN&#463;VEN, KATE DEVLIN, KEV ADAMS, KONRAD
  PETRUSEWICZ, LISA WESTHAVEN, LOUISE ALLEN, LUKE
  MEPHAM, MARINA DE JOSLIN, MARK HIBBETT, MARK
  WILSON, MARTIN BEER, MARTIN DAVIES, MARTIN
  HOLLOWAY, MARTIN PEACHE, MATHEW CLAYTON,
  MATSIMPSK, MATT BUCHANAN, MATT DREWRY, MATTHEW
  COLLINGE, MATTHEW FORMAN, MATTHEW MORRIS,
  MATTHEW WILKES, MICK CURTIS, MIDNIGHTRAMBLER,
  MIKE MIDDLETON, MIL JAMIESON, MONTOCAT, NEIL DE
  CARTERET, NICK ROSS, OBIW4N SHINOBI, OLIVER
  BEWES, PAUL CHERRY, PAUL LEADER, PAUL SMITH,
  PAUL WESTERMAN, PETER ASHTRAY, PETER COOMBE,
  PETER GOSLING, PETER MCMINN, PETER WOUDA,
  PHILIP KINCHINGTON, POOKONG, REBECCA MCMANUS,
  RHYS WYNNE, RICH POPE, RICHARD BECKETT, RICHARD
  MATTHIAS, RICK LINDLEY, RIVEN A BUCKLEY, ROB
  AFFLECK, ROB MAHON, ROB VINCENT, ROBBIE LESIUK,
  ROBERT HILLS, ROBIN, ROSS CARTER,
  ROSSOVERTHERE, RUPERT HULL, RYAN DORAN, RYAN
  RHODES, SALEEM AHMAD, SAM ANDERSON, SAM
  RUSSELL, SARAH WILLIAMSON, SCOTT S. KRAMER,
  SEAN CASELY, SIMON COWAN, SIMON HOLMES, SIMON
  MCDOUGALL, SIMON SMITH, SIMON WATERFALL,
  STARLORD MIXTAPE, STEPHEN WALLER, STEVE
  ANGLESEY, STEVE LAKER, STEVE PROWSE, , STEVEN
  SMITH, STEVEY GARLAND, STEWART NOLAN, STUART
  ALLDRED, STUART ASHEN, TIM JOKL, TIM MOUNCER,
  TIM WEAVER, TOM CRICK, TOM HEBBRON, TOM
  REES-WILLIAMS, TOM RYAN, TOM WRIGHT,
  TOWNSENDSPUBLISHER, TYRONNE MANN, VICKI JAKES,
  WIL HADDEN, WILL GOULDEN, GAVIN TOMMEY, IAN
  APPLEBY, PETE, STUART RICHARDS, TOBIE FYSH,
  CARL MESNER LYONS, CHRIS JOHNSON, EMMA SYKES,
  JAN SPIELHOFF, JESS BAKER, JOHN FIELD, MIKE
  CONGREVE, SEAN FLANAGAN, TOM FREKE, ED ZITRON,
  ADAM BEARDWOOD, DAVID STARK, ALASTAIR DODD,
  ALEXANDRE STRUBE, ANDREW ROBINSON, ANDY
  CANDLER, CHRIS GOODE, CONNOR PARSLOW, CRAIG
  NAPLES, DAN TASSE, DANIEL MOELLER, DANNY
  KODICEK, DOMINIC LE GARSMEUR, DUNCAN
  STRICKLAND, HARRY, IRENE SEMANCHUK, JOSEPH
  MULVANEY, JULIE BEACOCK, MARK BENSON, MICHAEL
  KITT, NICKY HEWGILL, PAUL TOPPING, PETER ROYAL,
  RICHARD SPEED, ROSE JOHNSON, SENTIENT MEATBAG,
  TIM BEACHY

  * BIG BROTHERS: Deny Coughlan, Peter Cooper,
  Nick Kent, Russ Anderson, 5telios, Adam
  Kaczmarek, Adam Tickner, Al Napp, Alex Wren,
  Alex Wrottesley, Amy Oliver, Andrea Vail,
  Andrew Harris, Andy Nattan, Andy Shirling, Ben,
  Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben Groom, Ben
  Sugden, Ben Webb, Bobod, BSG, Cat Conner,
  Centuries of Sound, Chris Ward, Christina
  Freeman, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Dan
  Fairs, Darren John Harris, Dave The Hammer
  Parry, David Bond, David Ellinor, David
  Whittam, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
  Fenris Games, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Graham
  Freeman, Gwyn Fisher, Hadleigh Charles, Hugh
  Noble, Iain M Barker, Ian Silvester, Ilya, Ivan
  Shiel, Jace Otting, James, James Meers,
  Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John Griffiths,
  John M, Jon Bounds, Julie Brumlik, Lee Ball,
  Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
  madgwick, Mark Ryan, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Matt
  Carr, Matt Loren, Michael Bryan, Mike Booth,
  Mike Carter, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick, Nick
  Murdoch, Nigel Ford, Oli, P Underwood, Paul
  Bayfield, Paul Braithwaite, Paul Mancini, Paul
  Slade, Peter, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
  Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Rob
  Potter, Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan,
  Russell Webster, Sam Brown, Seirian Hanner,
  Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen McAuley,
  Stephen Williams, Stewart C. Russell, Stéphane,
  Swedemason, Tanya Kant, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim
  Knight, Tim Polglase, Tom Clark, Tony East,
  Victoria Wood, wigglywigglyworm, Wine School of
  Philadelphia.

  Also thanks to Monkeon, HappyToast, Sn0tters &
  Matt Round, JimmerUK, DerKommissar,
  Hoppitygoestotown, garidead, @christhebarker.

  Final thought & reward for scrolling down: You
  know what would be cool? If every time someone
  was born we planted an acorn. And then you
  could go and visit your tree as you grow up,
  and it would be next to your parents' trees
  which would be bigger. And there's Auntie
  Mable, who's gone now but her tree is 140 years
  old.

  Please sub us some cash, thank you:
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

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