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NEWSLETTER: "TIME TO DRINK THE KOOL-AID B3TANS, THE AUTHORITIES ARE ONTO US"

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This Week:
* MAN CHESTS - that look like human faces
* PHOTOS - that move just like real-life
* PUBS - mapped to nearest tube station

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're shitting out an
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    ASCII newsletter 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|    in 2019 - hooray!"

B3ta e-postcard 721 - 04 Aug 2019

Alexa, read the B3ta newsletter in a hexy voice:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue721

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Article idea: can a journalist go to Eton and ask
the 5th years "who's the biggest cunt in class?"
so we can find out who'll be PM in 2050?

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK
  Other than making suspicious stains

  >> Men with chests for faces <<
  I124nk8 has been "photoshopping celebrity
  chests onto their faces. Simple as that.
  Started with Piers Morgan and Mick Hucknall and
  it’s gone from there. Thanks to b3ta my google
  search history consists of mostly shirtless
  men. Thank goodness I use incognito and a VPN.
  It's a combination of hauntingly beautiful and
  haunting."
https://twitter.com/chestfaces

  >> Photos that move <<
  Drivelsieve has been making photographs jiggle
  and it's his sound effects that really them
  come alive. It's like if Terry Gilliam was
  still alive. Oh he IS still alive? It's like
  Terry Gilliam hadn't become an old man shouting
  at clouds and still remembered that the point
  was to deliver some gags.
https://youtu.be/k5yCWhi0KUE

  >> Man tit cancer play <<
  Hagbardsapple writes, "A couple of years ago, I
  was diagnosed with breast cancer. As part of
  the most middle-class-fallilng-on-my-feet thing
  ever, I got better and wrote a comedy drama for
  Radio 4, loosely based on the experience. Oh,
  and in this version of events, my tumour is a
  tiny Nigel Farage."
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0006snf

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Real Headlines That Are Funny If You Know 80s Bands

Mayor Says New Order Is 'Punishing' Dogs
District Line: No Place For The Cure
'Disabled badge' Driver Mows Down Flock Of
Seagulls In Taunton

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: BILL DRUMMOND NEWS - "BEST BEFORE DEATH"
  UK cinema release tickets on sale now.

  Selected screenings will be accompanied by a
  performance Bill Drummond of the play WHITE
  SAVIOUR COMPLEX.
https://www.picturehouses.com/film/best-before-death-bill-drummond-live-performance

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Shout out to the Telegraph caption writer who
recently captioned a photo "Heterosexual actor
Tom Cruise at the New York premiere of The Mummy
earlier this year."

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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Remember websites? Nah, us neither 

  * NEAREST PUB, TUBE MAP - Alcoholics! Finally
  you can find out where to get a pint after a
  booze-free ride on the tube. Actually the thing
  alco-fans would really like to know is, where
  is the nearest place to get a drink after 11pm.
https://www.reddit.com/r/CasualUK/comments/cefrwe/tube_map_with_the_cheapest_pint_at_the_closest_pub/

  * EMOJI MASH UP BOT - cute idea to expand the
  emotions we're able to communicate online by
  randomly mixing up emoji. Hooray for Duplo
  Newspeak.
https://twitter.com/EmojiMashupBot/status/1152562795847831552

  * UNREALISTIC TROMBONE SIMULATOR - Seen a few
  popup-based toys recently, such as this
  trombone.  Won't work on smartphones, because
  Steve Jobs removed everything fun from the
  mobile internet.
https://matthewrayfield.com/goodies/popup-trombone/

  * CYRIAK DOES VIDEO - the B3tan diaspora
  continues to make the internet a weirder place:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=esfSH6qmuH0

  * BRING THE BEAT BACK -  Harry Connick Jr
  seamlessly adds an extra beat to get the
  audience clapping the right way. Remarkable.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UinRq_29jPk

  * SINISTER SINGING DOLL - this is the most
  accurate depiction of the inside of our heads
  yet produced:
https://b3ta.com/links/CRUMAR

  * AI DRAWING APP - sketch out a quick landscape
  in blobs and HAL does the rest.
http://nvidia-research-mingyuliu.com/gaugan

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Jarvis Cocker should team up Stelios and open one
of those "Easy" companies, but for putting public
lavatories in the high street. Sorted for
EasyWizz.

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: FRIDAY GAME
  Realistic tire simulator

  You're a rubber ring rolling down a hill. How
  fast can you go before you get tire-d.
  https://mindboiler.itch.io/rollhill

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If product placement happened in books:  Fermat's
Last Rolo

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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Political Sitcoms

  Here's the best images from last week:

  * "AND ANOTHER THING, THERESA, I THOUGHT AN
  IRISH BACKSTOP MEANT WEARING TWO CONDOMS. YOU
  KNOW. TO BE SURE, TO BE SURE" -  (cumquat may)
http://b3ta.com/board/11291976

  * ORDER! ORDER! MINE'S A DOUBLE! - (plankton)
http://b3ta.com/board/11291983

  * !!!! - (Barbarossa)
http://b3ta.com/board/11292020

  * See all the other images from the 'Political
  Sitcoms' challenge:
https://b3ta.com/challenge/politicalsitcoms/popular/


  >> This week: Summer Special <<
  It's the Summer holidays so put on your
  swimsuit, roll out a beach towel and photoshop
  your favourite films, tv shows and pop stars
  doing Summery stuff.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/summerspecial

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It's fascinating how much imperial measurements
live on:

40" TV
12" laptop
12" pizza
40" jeans
70mph speed limit
1/8th of weed
8 stone weakling
6 foot tall
Pint of beer / milk
3" penis (just us then)

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: FOLLOW-UPS
  Updates on previous stories

  * GOODBYE THERESA MAY BOT - your editor writes,
  "It was meant to last 3 days and I was stuck
  with it for over two years."
https://twitter.com/theresaresigned/status/1154014185329762304

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Congratulations to Alan Turning. Finally we can
all £50 an "alan"

"Have you SEEN the price of the new iPhones?! I'm
not chunking down twenty alans for phone"

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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Like some kind of attention seeking cunt

  * JARVIS COCKER BOT - Are cunts still running
  the world? YES.

  * OTHER PHRASES THAT WAKE UP ALEXA - Did you
  know that "my legs hurt" works just as well as
  "Alexa" for waking up Amazon's home bugging
  device?

  * PAPERBOY THE TEXT ADVENTURE - North *you go
  up the path* Insert paper *you insert paper
  into letterbox* South *You go down the path*
  East  *You're in front of No 12* etc

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The Dog Plan Diet. Eat what you like but looking
into the eyes of a dog who's going "looks good -
can I have a bit?"

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS

  * BIGGEST BROTHERS: *EUGENIE VT*, *ALEX
  MORRIS*, *HEBTROCO*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*, *JAMES
  PETTS*, *JON GRANT*, *KATE*, *MARK MCCREADIE*,
  *MR PHIL DONNELLY*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
  *STOOBERT*, *24-7 DEATH*, *ALAN CHARLTON*,
  *ALISTAIR*, *ANDREW FLEMMING*, *ANDREW WREN*,
  *BEVAN JOHNSON*, *BRIAN EELES*, *CHRIS
  BLAKENEY*, *CHRIS CARLINE*, *CHRIS LOCKE*,
  *CRISS MORENO*, *GEORGE STEPHENSON*, *GREG
  MCGOWAN*, *IAN SHEEN*, *JAIMIE VANDENBERGH*,
  *JAMES CRONIN*, *JON BINSTEAD*, *MARK ADAMSON*,
  *MICHAEL TRINDER*, *NAT KING COLESLAW*,
  *PATRICK CATES*, *RICHARD BARCLAY*, *SIMON
  NICHOLLS*, *SPAZZCAPTAIN*, *TOM DOLAN*, *WENDY
  GOODE

  * BIGGER BROTHERS: NICK MORGAN, LEE BURNETT,
  @MATTDAWHIT, ADAM ATACK, ADAM COONEY, ADAM
  INGLIS, ADAM LLOYD, ADRIAN WOODFIELD, AL
  DAVIDSON, ALBION GRAY, ANDREW SCHEUBER, ANDY
  ASHTON, ANDY STORRAR, ANDY TILLETT, ANDY
  WEBBER, ANDY YATES`, ANNA, ANNE-MARIE SCOTT,
  AUNTIESASH HAZLEWOOD, BEN BRICE, BEN WARD, BEN
  WATSON, BERTIL HANSSON, BERTRAM WOOSTER, BEX
  COOK, BLOSSOMSHED, BRAD GREGORY, BYRON GEOFFREY
  FARROW, C BOND, CARL MORGAN, CATHERINE
  MCALLISTER, CATROASTER, CHEF TWAT, CHRIS
  BRANCH, CHRIS EVANS, CHRIS GARRATT, CHRIS
  GOUGH, CHRIS PATERSON, CHRIS SAUNDERS, CHRIS
  SHAW, CHRIS WHITWORTH, CIARÁN R, COURTENAY
  FERRIS, CRAIG LIDDELL, CRAIG TONKS, CRAIG
  TURNER, DAMIEN SMITH, DAN STOTT, DANIEL BROWN,
  DANIEL CHOTE, DAVE NATTRISS, DAVE TICKLE, DAVID
  AULT, DAVID CATLEY, DAVID GARDINER, DAVID
  GREEN, DAVID KING, DAVID KNOLL, DAVID MILLS,
  DEREK LAW, DEREK ROBERTS, DOMINIC HAIGH, ED CAN
  DO, ED COOK, EDWARD ALMOND, EMMA LAY, ERIC VON
  BORSTEL, ESSY DAVE, FAITH H. MARTIN, FEARGHAS,
  FERGUS MCKAY, FIONA JAMES, FOURSTAR, FRASER
  LEWRY, FUNKSTER, GAYNOR CLARKSON, GEOFF TIDEY,
  GEOFFREY BALME, GEORGE PRESTON, GIA MILINOVICH,
  GNEISSROCKS, GRAHAM LICENCE, GREENFOX, GREG
  NEILSON, GUS NICOL, HANNAH CHUBB, HEIDI
  COLTHUP, HELEN GASKELL, IAIN, IAIN BRASSINGTON,
  IAIN FULLER, IAIN HENSHAW, IAIN MOFFATT, IAIN
  RUXTON, IAN BEVERIDGE, IAN BOLTZ, IVAN KELLY,
  JAMES CLAYTON, JAMES DONNELLY, JAMES GOLBEY,
  JAMES KERRY-BARNARD, JAMES MACINNES, JAMES
  O'MALLEY, JAMES PEARSON, JAMES SHAKESPEARE,
  JAMIE TAYLOR, JANE BAKER, JASON STEWART, JAY
  ROCHE, JAYMIE THOMAS, JERRY QUARTLEY, JIM
  DABELL, JIM FRAYLING, JIM HALFPENNY, JIM
  MACARTHUR, JIM WOODWARD, JOE BANNER, JOE
  MCNALLY, JOE SIMMONDS, JOEY MOORE, JOHN
  FARAGHER, JOHN FOSTER, JOHN HAMMERSLEY, JOHN
  HIGGS, JOHN MATTHEWS, JOHNNIE SHANNON, JOHNNY
  WATTERS, JONTY WAREING, JOSH MCMILLAN, JOSHUA
  THOMASSON, JUDE EVANS, JUSTIN BRETT, J&#463;M
  MCN&#463;VEN, KATE DEVLIN, KEV ADAMS, KONRAD
  PETRUSEWICZ, LISA WESTHAVEN, LOUISE ALLEN, LUKE
  MEPHAM, MARINA DE JOSLIN, MARK HIBBETT, MARK
  WILSON, MARTIN BEER, MARTIN DAVIES, MARTIN
  HOLLOWAY, MARTIN PEACHE, MATHEW CLAYTON,
  MATSIMPSK, MATT BUCHANAN, MATT DREWRY, MATTHEW
  COLLINGE, MATTHEW FORMAN, MATTHEW MORRIS,
  MATTHEW WILKES, MICK CURTIS, MIDNIGHTRAMBLER,
  MIKE MIDDLETON, MIL JAMIESON, MONTOCAT, NEIL DE
  CARTERET, NICK ROSS, OBIW4N SHINOBI, OLIVER
  BEWES, PAUL CHERRY, PAUL LEADER, PAUL SMITH,
  PAUL WESTERMAN, PETER ASHTRAY, PETER COOMBE,
  PETER GOSLING, PETER MCMINN, PETER WOUDA,
  PHILIP KINCHINGTON, POOKONG, REBECCA MCMANUS,
  RHYS WYNNE, RICH POPE, RICHARD BECKETT, RICHARD
  MATTHIAS, RICK LINDLEY, RIVEN A BUCKLEY, ROB
  AFFLECK, ROB MAHON, ROB VINCENT, ROBBIE LESIUK,
  ROBERT HILLS, ROBIN, ROSS CARTER,
  ROSSOVERTHERE, RUPERT HULL, RYAN DORAN, RYAN
  RHODES, SALEEM AHMAD, SAM ANDERSON, SAM
  RUSSELL, SARAH WILLIAMSON, SCOTT S. KRAMER,
  SEAN CASELY, SIMON COWAN, SIMON HOLMES, SIMON
  MCDOUGALL, SIMON SMITH, SIMON WATERFALL,
  STARLORD MIXTAPE, STEPHEN WALLER, STEVE
  ANGLESEY, STEVE LAKER, STEVE PROWSE, , STEVEN
  SMITH, STEVEY GARLAND, STEWART NOLAN, STUART
  ALLDRED, STUART ASHEN, TIM JOKL, TIM MOUNCER,
  TIM WEAVER, TOM CRICK, TOM HEBBRON, TOM
  REES-WILLIAMS, TOM RYAN, TOM WRIGHT,
  TOWNSENDSPUBLISHER, TYRONNE MANN, VICKI JAKES,
  WIL HADDEN, WILL GOULDEN, GAVIN TOMMEY, IAN
  APPLEBY, PETE, STUART RICHARDS, TOBIE FYSH,
  CARL MESNER LYONS, CHRIS JOHNSON, EMMA SYKES,
  JAN SPIELHOFF, JESS BAKER, JOHN FIELD, MIKE
  CONGREVE, SEAN FLANAGAN, TOM FREKE, ED ZITRON,
  ADAM BEARDWOOD, DAVID STARK, ALASTAIR DODD,
  ALEXANDRE STRUBE, ANDREW ROBINSON, ANDY
  CANDLER, CHRIS GOODE, CONNOR PARSLOW, CRAIG
  NAPLES, DAN TASSE, DANIEL MOELLER, DANNY
  KODICEK, DOMINIC LE GARSMEUR, DUNCAN
  STRICKLAND, HARRY, IRENE SEMANCHUK, JOSEPH
  MULVANEY, JULIE BEACOCK, MARK BENSON, MICHAEL
  KITT, NICKY HEWGILL, PAUL TOPPING, PETER ROYAL,
  RICHARD SPEED, ROSE JOHNSON, SENTIENT MEATBAG,
  TIM BEACHY

  * BIG BROTHERS: Deny Coughlan, Peter Cooper,
  Nick Kent, Russ Anderson, 5telios, Adam
  Kaczmarek, Adam Tickner, Al Napp, Alex Wren,
  Alex Wrottesley, Amy Oliver, Andrea Vail,
  Andrew Harris, Andy Nattan, Andy Shirling, Ben,
  Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben Groom, Ben
  Sugden, Ben Webb, Bobod, BSG, Cat Conner,
  Centuries of Sound, Chris Ward, Christina
  Freeman, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Dan
  Fairs, Darren John Harris, Dave The Hammer
  Parry, David Bond, David Ellinor, David
  Whittam, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
  Fenris Games, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Graham
  Freeman, Gwyn Fisher, Hadleigh Charles, Hugh
  Noble, Iain M Barker, Ian Silvester, Ilya, Ivan
  Shiel, Jace Otting, James, James Meers,
  Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John Griffiths,
  John M, Jon Bounds, Julie Brumlik, Lee Ball,
  Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
  madgwick, Mark Ryan, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Matt
  Carr, Matt Loren, Michael Bryan, Mike Booth,
  Mike Carter, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick, Nick
  Murdoch, Nigel Ford, Oli, P Underwood, Paul
  Bayfield, Paul Braithwaite, Paul Mancini, Paul
  Slade, Peter, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
  Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Rob
  Potter, Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan,
  Russell Webster, Sam Brown, Seirian Hanner,
  Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen McAuley,
  Stephen Williams, Stewart C. Russell, Stéphane,
  Swedemason, Tanya Kant, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim
  Knight, Tim Polglase, Tom Clark, Tony East,
  Victoria Wood, wigglywigglyworm, Wine School of
  Philadelphia.

  Also thanks to Monkeon, HappyToast, Sn0tters &
  Matt Round.

  Please bung us your cash or fuck off:
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

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