NEWSLETTER: "IF YOU KNEW PEGGING SUE, THEN YOU'D KNOW WHY I FEEL BLUE WITHOUT PEGGING, MY PEGGING SUE"
This Week:
* SONG - depressed kangaroos are cute?!
* LOREM IPSUM - use this and get sacked
* IMAGE CHALLENGE RESULTS - Fish LPs (not *him*)
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Hey guys! Remember
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | to subscribe and like
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| our farts YouTube channel"
B3ta electronic e-email 731 - 19th Coctober 2019
Read this issue whilst wanking & crying (as usual):
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue731
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK
Other than huffing our own farts
>> Kangaroo Song <<
Pi Bennett writes, "Sorry not really a funny
one, but it has got a kangaroo in space..."
This clearly wants to be the next Baby Shark
song, but is undermined by melancholy harmonies
which makes us like it. Poor sad Kangaroo,
jumping around, whilst knowing capitalism will
end us all.
https://b3ta.com/links/Kangaroo_Song
>> Fesshole Ipsum <<
LiamBlizard writes, "I made a Lorem Ipsum
generator from fesshole confessions." This is
brilliantly shit idea, in that using horrible
confessions as your test copy is asking for
trouble.
https://fessholeipsum.com
>> Riveting fishing documentary <<
Rough Glory Films writes, "I made a docudramedy
about 2 old clowns in a Spanish fishing village
- we had tears and laughs in test screenings
but it's length (39:46) is tricky for film
festivals to programme, which is a shame cos
it's got some good bits."
https://vimeo.com/267812503
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Twitter is a dating service for matching
strangers with the hills that they didn't know
they wanted to die on
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: FESSHOLLE
Your horrible confessions, confessed
* HIGH FLYER - "I microdose with LSD at work to
make my life a little bit less boring. I am a
commercial pilot."
* KINDERGARTEN COP - "Whenever people I know
post pictures of their kids I report the
picture as spam/fake account/etc because I hate
kids."
* FACE/OFF "My boss once caught me in his
office trying to photocopy my face. While
apologising, I couldn't quite make a smooth
exit due to the temporary blindness caused by
the photocopier."
Fesshole has had 82,012 words submitted so far,
making it the same length as Anne Frank's
diaries and just as likely to make you weep for
the tragedy that is man's inhumanity to man.
Confess your fessfessions NOW!
https://twitter.com/fesshole
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We hope the singer of the Pet Shop Boys gets
knighted so the Queen can say, "KNEEL, TENNANT!"
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: SITES IN BRIEFS
Stuff made by people better looking that us
* TEXTY GAME - A game made out of ascii art.
We didn't bother with many of the game
elements, and just wandered around thinking how
lovely it looked.
http://asciident.com/demo/
* WORDY PUZZLE - an easter egg-heavy word
puzzle. This killed our productivity until we
completed it.
https://rubyleehs.itch.io/startwithnothing
* YOUNG CHRIS MORRIS - we enjoyed this footage
of an extraordinarily young Chris Morris
playing bass.
https://reckordmedia.files.wordpress.com/2018/03/e...
* LP COVERS MINUS WOMEN - Iranian music
streaming site removes all women from LP covers
and the result looks like a B3ta image
challenge.
https://www.demilked.com/women-removed-from-album-...
* WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU NUKE A CITY? You'll not
be surprised that it's bad, but the detail is
fun. Let's nuke Coventry.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* DR WHO POLITICIANS - Awful politicians and
their 1972-1981 Doctor Who counterparts
(thread):
https://twitter.com/Dempster2000/status/1185157065...
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When Michael Jackson asks "who's bad?" We reply
"the Tories". Excellent satire. Send newsletter.
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Fish Albums
Here's the best images from last week:
* ABBEY ROD - (Captain Howdy)
http://b3ta.com/board/11296937
* SGT. ZANDER'S LONELY CARPS CHUB BAND -
(Captain Howdy)
http://b3ta.com/board/11296893
* LIKE A STURGEON - (WGCtrev)
http://b3ta.com/board/11296765
* See all the other images from the 'Fish
Albums' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/fishalbums/popular/
>> This week: IKEA <<
Let's take a trip to everyone's favourite
impossible to navigate, flat pack megastore.
Celebrate the wonder of IKEA from it's iconic
instruction manuals to its billy bookshelves
and tasty meatballs.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/ikea/popular/
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Which member of Queen would you like as a
flatmate?
We asked 2,000 people this important question and
here are the results:
Roger Taylor: 11%
Freddie Mercury: 24%
Brian May: 26%
John Deacon: 38%
Deacon smashed it mainly because people think we
would be quiet and sort out the bills.
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: FOLLOW UPS
What happened next in b3ta-land
* ROUND HAS HIT WITH CIRCLE - Matthew Round
writes, "I launched VOLE.wtf in August hoping
to nudge upwards from 100ish views a day to
maybe a steady flow of 1,000 after some time if
I kept adding things. It just reached half a
million page views. Maybe there's still a place
for quirky standalone websites after all"
http://VOLE.wtf
* B3TAN TURNS POPULAR PHOTOSHOP INTO "PRODUCT"
- "I've only gone and done it. I've made a
#WagathaChristie Guess Who insert for this
kid's version of the game"
https://twitter.com/JimmerUK/status/11833685854581...
* NEW FEATURES ON /BOARD - Thanks to Wil Hadden
for improving how replies work on the board on
mobile. Three cheers for Wil. (Cheers. Cheers.
Cheers.)
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Thinking about getting a penis extension. Thought
about it long and hard.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make some content, for cunts' ent(ertainment)
* NERD OLYMPICS - There should be a competition
for cassette enthusiasts and retro computing
nerds where they compete to load Manic Miner in
the shortest time via tape, using high
bit-rates and finely tuned tape decks etc.
* MATCH UNWANTED BOOKS WITH READERS - Media
outlets get sent books they don't want. Public
do want books. Match them up. And you
absolutely do not get a second book unless you
submit a review for the first.
* PAP GAP - A Chrome plug-in that estimates
from visual grain how far away the paparazzi
shot of the celeb was taken.
Best your best to:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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'Triggered' Happy
Dom Joly: I'M ON THE PHONE. TO THE EDITOR OF SPIKED.
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: PATREON THANKS
Thanking you, the best crew
* BIGGEST BROTHERS: *EUGENIE VT*, *ALEX
MORRIS*, *HEBTROCO*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*, *JAMES
PETTS*, *JON GRANT*, *KATE*, *MARK MCCREADIE*,
*MR PHIL DONNELLY*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
*STOOBERT*, *24-7 DEATH*, *ALAN CHARLTON*,
*ALISTAIR*, *ANDREW FLEMMING*, *ANDREW WREN*,
*BEVAN JOHNSON*, *BRIAN EELES*, *CHRIS
BLAKENEY*, *CHRIS CARLINE*, *CHRIS LOCKE*,
*CRISS MORENO*, *GEORGE STEPHENSON*, *GREG
MCGOWAN*, *IAN SHEEN*, *JAIMIE VANDENBERGH*,
*JAMES CRONIN*, *JON BINSTEAD*, *MARK ADAMSON*,
*MICHAEL TRINDER*, *NAT KING COLESLAW*,
*PATRICK CATES*, *RICHARD BARCLAY*, *SIMON
NICHOLLS*, *SPAZZCAPTAIN*, *TOM DOLAN*, *WENDY
GOODE
* BIGGER BROTHERS: NICK MORGAN, LEE BURNETT,
@MATTDAWHIT, ADAM ATACK, ADAM COONEY, ADAM
INGLIS, ADAM LLOYD, ADRIAN WOODFIELD, AL
DAVIDSON, ALBION GRAY, ANDREW SCHEUBER, ANDY
ASHTON, ANDY STORRAR, ANDY TILLETT, ANDY
WEBBER, ANDY YATES`, ANNA, ANNE-MARIE SCOTT,
AUNTIESASH HAZLEWOOD, BEN BRICE, BEN WARD, BEN
WATSON, BERTIL HANSSON, BERTRAM WOOSTER, BEX
COOK, BLOSSOMSHED, BRAD GREGORY, BYRON GEOFFREY
FARROW, C BOND, CARL MORGAN, CATHERINE
MCALLISTER, CATROASTER, CHEF TWAT, CHRIS
BRANCH, CHRIS EVANS, CHRIS GARRATT, CHRIS
GOUGH, CHRIS PATERSON, CHRIS SAUNDERS, CHRIS
SHAW, CHRIS WHITWORTH, CIARÁN R, COURTENAY
FERRIS, CRAIG LIDDELL, CRAIG TONKS, CRAIG
TURNER, DAMIEN SMITH, DAN STOTT, DANIEL BROWN,
DANIEL CHOTE, DAVE NATTRISS, DAVE TICKLE, DAVID
AULT, DAVID CATLEY, DAVID GARDINER, DAVID
GREEN, DAVID KING, DAVID KNOLL, DAVID MILLS,
DEREK LAW, DEREK ROBERTS, DOMINIC HAIGH, ED CAN
DO, ED COOK, EDWARD ALMOND, EMMA LAY, ERIC VON
BORSTEL, ESSY DAVE, FAITH H. MARTIN, FEARGHAS,
FERGUS MCKAY, FIONA JAMES, FOURSTAR, FRASER
LEWRY, FUNKSTER, GAYNOR CLARKSON, GEOFF TIDEY,
GEOFFREY BALME, GEORGE PRESTON, GIA MILINOVICH,
GNEISSROCKS, GRAHAM LICENCE, GREENFOX, GREG
NEILSON, GUS NICOL, HANNAH CHUBB, HEIDI
COLTHUP, HELEN GASKELL, IAIN, IAIN BRASSINGTON,
IAIN FULLER, IAIN HENSHAW, IAIN MOFFATT, IAIN
RUXTON, IAN BEVERIDGE, IAN BOLTZ, IVAN KELLY,
JAMES CLAYTON, JAMES DONNELLY, JAMES GOLBEY,
JAMES KERRY-BARNARD, JAMES MACINNES, JAMES
O'MALLEY, JAMES PEARSON, JAMES SHAKESPEARE,
JAMIE TAYLOR, JANE BAKER, JASON STEWART, JAY
ROCHE, JAYMIE THOMAS, JERRY QUARTLEY, JIM
DABELL, JIM FRAYLING, JIM HALFPENNY, JIM
MACARTHUR, JIM WOODWARD, JOE BANNER, JOE
MCNALLY, JOE SIMMONDS, JOEY MOORE, JOHN
FARAGHER, JOHN FOSTER, JOHN HAMMERSLEY, JOHN
HIGGS, JOHN MATTHEWS, JOHNNIE SHANNON, JOHNNY
WATTERS, JONTY WAREING, JOSH MCMILLAN, JOSHUA
THOMASSON, JUDE EVANS, JUSTIN BRETT, JǏM
MCNǏVEN, KATE DEVLIN, KEV ADAMS, KONRAD
PETRUSEWICZ, LISA WESTHAVEN, LOUISE ALLEN, LUKE
MEPHAM, MARINA DE JOSLIN, MARK HIBBETT, MARK
WILSON, MARTIN BEER, MARTIN DAVIES, MARTIN
HOLLOWAY, MARTIN PEACHE, MATHEW CLAYTON,
MATSIMPSK, MATT BUCHANAN, MATT DREWRY, MATTHEW
COLLINGE, MATTHEW FORMAN, MATTHEW MORRIS,
MATTHEW WILKES, MICK CURTIS, MIDNIGHTRAMBLER,
MIKE MIDDLETON, MIL JAMIESON, MONTOCAT, NEIL DE
CARTERET, NICK ROSS, OBIW4N SHINOBI, OLIVER
BEWES, PAUL CHERRY, PAUL LEADER, PAUL SMITH,
PAUL WESTERMAN, PETER ASHTRAY, PETER COOMBE,
PETER GOSLING, PETER MCMINN, PETER WOUDA,
PHILIP KINCHINGTON, POOKONG, REBECCA MCMANUS,
RHYS WYNNE, RICH POPE, RICHARD BECKETT, RICHARD
MATTHIAS, RICK LINDLEY, RIVEN A BUCKLEY, ROB
AFFLECK, ROB MAHON, ROB VINCENT, ROBBIE LESIUK,
ROBERT HILLS, ROBIN, ROSS CARTER,
ROSSOVERTHERE, RUPERT HULL, RYAN DORAN, RYAN
RHODES, SALEEM AHMAD, SAM ANDERSON, SAM
RUSSELL, SARAH WILLIAMSON, SCOTT S. KRAMER,
SEAN CASELY, SIMON COWAN, SIMON HOLMES, SIMON
MCDOUGALL, SIMON SMITH, SIMON WATERFALL,
STARLORD MIXTAPE, STEPHEN WALLER, STEVE
ANGLESEY, STEVE LAKER, STEVE PROWSE, , STEVEN
SMITH, STEVEY GARLAND, STEWART NOLAN, STUART
ALLDRED, STUART ASHEN, TIM JOKL, TIM MOUNCER,
TIM WEAVER, TOM CRICK, TOM HEBBRON, TOM
REES-WILLIAMS, TOM RYAN, TOM WRIGHT,
TOWNSENDSPUBLISHER, TYRONNE MANN, VICKI JAKES,
WIL HADDEN, WILL GOULDEN, GAVIN TOMMEY, IAN
APPLEBY, PETE, STUART RICHARDS, TOBIE FYSH,
CARL MESNER LYONS, CHRIS JOHNSON, EMMA SYKES,
JAN SPIELHOFF, JESS BAKER, JOHN FIELD, MIKE
CONGREVE, SEAN FLANAGAN, TOM FREKE, ED ZITRON,
ADAM BEARDWOOD, DAVID STARK, ALASTAIR DODD,
ALEXANDRE STRUBE, ANDREW ROBINSON, ANDY
CANDLER, CHRIS GOODE, CONNOR PARSLOW, CRAIG
NAPLES, DAN TASSE, DANIEL MOELLER, DANNY
KODICEK, DOMINIC LE GARSMEUR, DUNCAN
STRICKLAND, HARRY, IRENE SEMANCHUK, JOSEPH
MULVANEY, JULIE BEACOCK, MARK BENSON, MICHAEL
KITT, NICKY HEWGILL, PAUL TOPPING, PETER ROYAL,
RICHARD SPEED, ROSE JOHNSON, SENTIENT MEATBAG,
TIM BEACHY
* BIG BROTHERS: Deny Coughlan, Peter Cooper,
Nick Kent, Russ Anderson, 5telios, Adam
Kaczmarek, Adam Tickner, Al Napp, Alex Wren,
Alex Wrottesley, Amy Oliver, Andrea Vail,
Andrew Harris, Andy Nattan, Andy Shirling, Ben,
Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben Groom, Ben
Sugden, Ben Webb, Bobod, BSG, Cat Conner,
Centuries of Sound, Chris Ward, Christina
Freeman, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Dan
Fairs, Darren John Harris, Dave The Hammer
Parry, David Bond, David Ellinor, David
Whittam, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
Fenris Games, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Graham
Freeman, Gwyn Fisher, Hadleigh Charles, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ian Silvester, Ilya, Ivan
Shiel, Jace Otting, James, James Meers,
Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John Griffiths,
John M, Jon Bounds, Julie Brumlik, Lee Ball,
Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Mark Ryan, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Matt
Carr, Matt Loren, Michael Bryan, Mike Booth,
Mike Carter, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick, Nick
Murdoch, Nigel Ford, Oli, P Underwood, Paul
Bayfield, Paul Braithwaite, Paul Mancini, Paul
Slade, Peter, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Rob
Potter, Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan,
Russell Webster, Sam Brown, Seirian Hanner,
Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen McAuley,
Stephen Williams, Stewart C. Russell, Stéphane,
Swedemason, Tanya Kant, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim
Knight, Tim Polglase, Tom Clark, Tony East,
Victoria Wood, wigglywigglyworm, Wine School of
Philadelphia.
Written by Rob Manuel.
Also thanks to Matt Round, Snotters, Monkeon,
HappyToast (site help).
Get a little Xtra links from the Halifax (and
buffet_the_appetite_slayer & fred zeppelin &
Chris "the" Barker)
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Us: You are going to die, make every second
count.
Also us: We'll just spend 18 years looking at the
internet.
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Please sub us some cash, thank you:
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
