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NEWSLETTER: "I'M AS SERIOUS AS MEASLES WHEN I SAY RHYTHM IS SOME WEASELS"

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This Week:
* GAME - Can you draw the perfect circle?
* BREXIT - The disco album
* TOY - Realistic bargain-bin simulator 

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're shaving the cat
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  to convert it into
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  a more expensive cat"

B3ta email 730 - 12th Oct 2019

Read this issue pretending to be E.L. Wisty:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue730

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK
  Other than making sweet love with themselves

  >> Can You Draw a Perfect Circle? <<
  Matt Round writes, "This is one of those
  stupidly simple ideas I've kicked around for
  YEARS, but it needed to feel properly
  interactive and have perfect=100% without
  fudging the maths, recently solved all that so
  I've built it. I reckon anything over 97% is
  pretty good."
https://vole.wtf/perfect-circle/
 
  >> Brexit: the disco LP <<
  Rhrodri Marsden writes, "I spent ten weeks
  channelling my Brexit-related anxiety into what
  I'm calling a disco symphony, but it's really a
  wail of impotent sarcasm. The Hustle takes some
  of the vague reassurances and blithely stated
  bullshit that we've been fed over the past
  three years, and sets it to the most
  relentlessly upbeat soundtrack that my eleven
  colleagues and I could muster. From Let's Go
  WTO ("We'll have a sunlit upland glow / when we
  go WTO") to Alternative Arrangements ("If
  you're in a mess you helped to create /
  alternative arrangements make it all great") we
  whoop our way through 35 minutes of deeply
  unconvincing Brexit propaganda, in disco
  format."

  This is actually great and we recommend
  clicking the YouTube link - kept us giggling
  for ages and then we actually enjoyed the
  music.
https://article54.eu/
 
  >> Bargain Bin simulator <<
  Monkeon writes, "I've made a Bargain Bin
  simulator. Mostly for dead format nostalgia,
  but it also throws up interesting things on
  YouTube with 32 views and so also functions as
  a random video generator."
https://monkeon.co.uk/bargainbin/

  >> 80s platform game <<
  Benjymous writes, "I built a little 80s
  inspired platformer for the #js13k compo -
  first time I've released something complete as
  a solo dev, so quite a milestone for me!"
https://grapefruitopia.itch.io/singsongdingdong

-------------------------------------------------

Song titles that could be euphemisms for wanking:

Pump up the Jam
Ernie, The Fastest Milkman in the West
While my guitar gently weeps
Stand and Deliver
Here I Go Again (On My Own)
Sowing The Seeds Of Love
Union of the Snake
Champagne Supernova
21 seconds to go
Knock on Wood
Icky Thump

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: FESSHOLE
  Your horrid confessions confessed anonymously
  
  There have been 11 separate confessions of
  fancying Priti Patel submitted to @fesshole. We
  don't know if it's one guy with an obsession or
  a whole nation with a Tory fetish. Anyway. JUST
  STOP. Anyway, here's three recent favs.

  * VEG HYPOCRISY - "Everyone thinks I'm a vegan
  except for the lady at the roadside cafe where
  I get a bacon and egg sandwich 2 or 3 times a
  week."

  * BREAD WIFE - "I hide the bread knife from the
  missus because she uses it for spreading butter
  rather than a proper knife and it really annoys
  me."

  * SQUISHY SHITE - "I used to catch my poos in
  toilet paper and squash them because it was
  squishy and fun. I was 29 when I stopped after
  my boyfriend caught me."

  66,432 words submitted so far. Same length as
  Brave New World by Aldous Huxley, and every
  word an equal prediction of a terrifying
  future. 
https://twitter.com/fesshole

-------------------------------------------------

Things to ban on the Tube before food:

* Non-Londoners complaining that no one talks to
each other 
* Drivers doing comedy patter
* Free papers dribbling rightwing nonsense into
your brain
* The recorded V/o pronouncing Highgate wrong.
It's HI-GATE, not HIG-UT

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff made by Tories in fancier sheds
  
  * SAND DROPPER THINGIE - we found this relaxing
  - kind of a living version of MS Paint:
https://maxbittker.itch.io/sandspiel

  * BREAK WEBSITES WITH 'HONK' - and we like the
  format of presenting silly code projects like
  this in a formal way:
https://honkify.netlify.com

  * WRITE BBC BASIC ON TWITTER - genius idea for
  a bot - send it 10 PRINT "HELLO" and remember
  to RUN.
https://twitter.com/bbcbasicbot

  * GIANT MILITARY CATS - Just giant cats with
  military hardware. B3tatastic. We mean it's
  badly photoshopped cats like it's 2002. And
  what's wrong with that?
https://twitter.com/GiantCat9

  * COUNCIL NAMING FUN - Enjoying the  names
  suggested by the public for the new Manchester
  city gritters: LS Ploughry; Usain Salt; Lionel
  Gritchie; Grita Thunberg; Snow Patrol; Gritney
  Spears; Grittersweet Symphony; Northern
  Plougherhouse; Spready Mercury.
https://twitter.com/ManCityCouncil/status/1181524826130960386

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: COLEEN VS VARDY
  The B3ta opinion

  1. Rebekah did it
  2. Rebekah's account is compromised
  3. Coleen's account is compromised (this one
  worries me as she didn't show much attempt to
  rule this out)
  4. They're colluding to promote the pair of them
  5. Coleen is telling on herself in her sleep
  like Tyler Durden

  Who the fuck knows actually.   

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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Celebrity Computer Games

  Here's the best images from last week:

  * THE FARAGE COLLECTION RE-ISSUED from
  Barbarossa:
http://b3ta.com/board/11296499

  * MOG QWOP from Tribs:
http://b3ta.com/board/11296437

  * UNTITLED AIDE GAME from Captain Howdy:
http://b3ta.com/board/11296606

  * See all the other images from the 'Celebrity
  Computer Games' challenge:
https://b3ta.com/challenge/celebritycomputergames/popular/

  >> This week: Fish Albums <<
  Photoshop classic LP covers as if they were
  performed, or are about fish. Or just make
  terrible fish / music puns.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/fishalbums/popular/

-------------------------------------------------

People should have seasons like TV shows, but we
just go on and on and on. Everyone needs a break
and the opportunity to come back for season two
as a robot or with a talking dog sidekick.

-------------------------------------------------

: FOLLOW UPS
  What happened next on B3ta stories
 
  * HAPPY TOASY DOES VIDEO THAT BREAKS INTERNET -
  mocking Boris and look at those numbers.
https://b3ta.com/links/no:5

  * B3TA IMAGE ON TV - thanks to Coleen and i124nk8.
https://twitter.com/i124nk8/status/1182232852357885952

  * SHARDCORE IN BBC DOC - look it up on iPlayer
  or see the clip here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FkWvkNAbgfg

  * YOUR EDITOR REVIEWS DAVID CAMERON - Rob aka
  Barry Sausages writes, "Yay. My review of David
  Cameron's book is the top review on Amazon.
  This means the chances of our ex Prime Minister
  having read it are pretty damn high."
https://twitter.com/robmanuel/status/1182668629868974082

  * FESSHOLE IN THE TABLOIDS - reached the Metro,
  Daily Mail and Daily Star. Link does to Daily
  Star as yeah, not linking the DM here.
https://www.dailystar.co.uk/news/weird-news/people-telling-darkest-secrets-fesshole-20388003

-------------------------------------------------

22% of the world's energy resources are currently
being used to store unpopular podcasts by men who
are too scared to phone their friends for a chat
instead.

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Make some shit and get in "it"
  
  * MR MASH BOT - You know those bots that mix up
  emoji to make new emojis? Something like that
  but mixing up Mr Men to make new Mr Men.

  * MOZZA FAN DOC - We'd like a documentary about
  how Morrissey's drift to the far right must
  have split Moz fandom. The tribute bands that
  are still singing Smiths songs, the young lefty
  people who got Morrissey tattoos before this
  blew up as bad as it is now (they exist).

  * SPOTIFY LP MODE - You tell it to play an
  album. And it plays the album and STOPS. That
  beautiful silence where you can still hear the
  last track in your head,  then decide what's
  next. That's what's wrong with streaming: no
  silence. Just more sound until you hate music

  Tell us about your stinky whims:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

1 like = one bit of data entered into
sophisticated advertising system that builds a
profile of you and then shows you an ad saying
"Join the British Army" regardless

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS
  Thanking you, the best crew

  * BIGGEST BROTHERS: *EUGENIE VT*, *ALEX
  MORRIS*, *HEBTROCO*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*, *JAMES
  PETTS*, *JON GRANT*, *KATE*, *MARK MCCREADIE*,
  *MR PHIL DONNELLY*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
  *STOOBERT*, *24-7 DEATH*, *ALAN CHARLTON*,
  *ALISTAIR*, *ANDREW FLEMMING*, *ANDREW WREN*,
  *BEVAN JOHNSON*, *BRIAN EELES*, *CHRIS
  BLAKENEY*, *CHRIS CARLINE*, *CHRIS LOCKE*,
  *CRISS MORENO*, *GEORGE STEPHENSON*, *GREG
  MCGOWAN*, *IAN SHEEN*, *JAIMIE VANDENBERGH*,
  *JAMES CRONIN*, *JON BINSTEAD*, *MARK ADAMSON*,
  *MICHAEL TRINDER*, *NAT KING COLESLAW*,
  *PATRICK CATES*, *RICHARD BARCLAY*, *SIMON
  NICHOLLS*, *SPAZZCAPTAIN*, *TOM DOLAN*, *WENDY
  GOODE

  * BIGGER BROTHERS: NICK MORGAN, LEE BURNETT,
  @MATTDAWHIT, ADAM ATACK, ADAM COONEY, ADAM
  INGLIS, ADAM LLOYD, ADRIAN WOODFIELD, AL
  DAVIDSON, ALBION GRAY, ANDREW SCHEUBER, ANDY
  ASHTON, ANDY STORRAR, ANDY TILLETT, ANDY
  WEBBER, ANDY YATES`, ANNA, ANNE-MARIE SCOTT,
  AUNTIESASH HAZLEWOOD, BEN BRICE, BEN WARD, BEN
  WATSON, BERTIL HANSSON, BERTRAM WOOSTER, BEX
  COOK, BLOSSOMSHED, BRAD GREGORY, BYRON GEOFFREY
  FARROW, C BOND, CARL MORGAN, CATHERINE
  MCALLISTER, CATROASTER, CHEF TWAT, CHRIS
  BRANCH, CHRIS EVANS, CHRIS GARRATT, CHRIS
  GOUGH, CHRIS PATERSON, CHRIS SAUNDERS, CHRIS
  SHAW, CHRIS WHITWORTH, CIARÁN R, COURTENAY
  FERRIS, CRAIG LIDDELL, CRAIG TONKS, CRAIG
  TURNER, DAMIEN SMITH, DAN STOTT, DANIEL BROWN,
  DANIEL CHOTE, DAVE NATTRISS, DAVE TICKLE, DAVID
  AULT, DAVID CATLEY, DAVID GARDINER, DAVID
  GREEN, DAVID KING, DAVID KNOLL, DAVID MILLS,
  DEREK LAW, DEREK ROBERTS, DOMINIC HAIGH, ED CAN
  DO, ED COOK, EDWARD ALMOND, EMMA LAY, ERIC VON
  BORSTEL, ESSY DAVE, FAITH H. MARTIN, FEARGHAS,
  FERGUS MCKAY, FIONA JAMES, FOURSTAR, FRASER
  LEWRY, FUNKSTER, GAYNOR CLARKSON, GEOFF TIDEY,
  GEOFFREY BALME, GEORGE PRESTON, GIA MILINOVICH,
  GNEISSROCKS, GRAHAM LICENCE, GREENFOX, GREG
  NEILSON, GUS NICOL, HANNAH CHUBB, HEIDI
  COLTHUP, HELEN GASKELL, IAIN, IAIN BRASSINGTON,
  IAIN FULLER, IAIN HENSHAW, IAIN MOFFATT, IAIN
  RUXTON, IAN BEVERIDGE, IAN BOLTZ, IVAN KELLY,
  JAMES CLAYTON, JAMES DONNELLY, JAMES GOLBEY,
  JAMES KERRY-BARNARD, JAMES MACINNES, JAMES
  O'MALLEY, JAMES PEARSON, JAMES SHAKESPEARE,
  JAMIE TAYLOR, JANE BAKER, JASON STEWART, JAY
  ROCHE, JAYMIE THOMAS, JERRY QUARTLEY, JIM
  DABELL, JIM FRAYLING, JIM HALFPENNY, JIM
  MACARTHUR, JIM WOODWARD, JOE BANNER, JOE
  MCNALLY, JOE SIMMONDS, JOEY MOORE, JOHN
  FARAGHER, JOHN FOSTER, JOHN HAMMERSLEY, JOHN
  HIGGS, JOHN MATTHEWS, JOHNNIE SHANNON, JOHNNY
  WATTERS, JONTY WAREING, JOSH MCMILLAN, JOSHUA
  THOMASSON, JUDE EVANS, JUSTIN BRETT, J&#463;M
  MCN&#463;VEN, KATE DEVLIN, KEV ADAMS, KONRAD
  PETRUSEWICZ, LISA WESTHAVEN, LOUISE ALLEN, LUKE
  MEPHAM, MARINA DE JOSLIN, MARK HIBBETT, MARK
  WILSON, MARTIN BEER, MARTIN DAVIES, MARTIN
  HOLLOWAY, MARTIN PEACHE, MATHEW CLAYTON,
  MATSIMPSK, MATT BUCHANAN, MATT DREWRY, MATTHEW
  COLLINGE, MATTHEW FORMAN, MATTHEW MORRIS,
  MATTHEW WILKES, MICK CURTIS, MIDNIGHTRAMBLER,
  MIKE MIDDLETON, MIL JAMIESON, MONTOCAT, NEIL DE
  CARTERET, NICK ROSS, OBIW4N SHINOBI, OLIVER
  BEWES, PAUL CHERRY, PAUL LEADER, PAUL SMITH,
  PAUL WESTERMAN, PETER ASHTRAY, PETER COOMBE,
  PETER GOSLING, PETER MCMINN, PETER WOUDA,
  PHILIP KINCHINGTON, POOKONG, REBECCA MCMANUS,
  RHYS WYNNE, RICH POPE, RICHARD BECKETT, RICHARD
  MATTHIAS, RICK LINDLEY, RIVEN A BUCKLEY, ROB
  AFFLECK, ROB MAHON, ROB VINCENT, ROBBIE LESIUK,
  ROBERT HILLS, ROBIN, ROSS CARTER,
  ROSSOVERTHERE, RUPERT HULL, RYAN DORAN, RYAN
  RHODES, SALEEM AHMAD, SAM ANDERSON, SAM
  RUSSELL, SARAH WILLIAMSON, SCOTT S. KRAMER,
  SEAN CASELY, SIMON COWAN, SIMON HOLMES, SIMON
  MCDOUGALL, SIMON SMITH, SIMON WATERFALL,
  STARLORD MIXTAPE, STEPHEN WALLER, STEVE
  ANGLESEY, STEVE LAKER, STEVE PROWSE, , STEVEN
  SMITH, STEVEY GARLAND, STEWART NOLAN, STUART
  ALLDRED, STUART ASHEN, TIM JOKL, TIM MOUNCER,
  TIM WEAVER, TOM CRICK, TOM HEBBRON, TOM
  REES-WILLIAMS, TOM RYAN, TOM WRIGHT,
  TOWNSENDSPUBLISHER, TYRONNE MANN, VICKI JAKES,
  WIL HADDEN, WILL GOULDEN, GAVIN TOMMEY, IAN
  APPLEBY, PETE, STUART RICHARDS, TOBIE FYSH,
  CARL MESNER LYONS, CHRIS JOHNSON, EMMA SYKES,
  JAN SPIELHOFF, JESS BAKER, JOHN FIELD, MIKE
  CONGREVE, SEAN FLANAGAN, TOM FREKE, ED ZITRON,
  ADAM BEARDWOOD, DAVID STARK, ALASTAIR DODD,
  ALEXANDRE STRUBE, ANDREW ROBINSON, ANDY
  CANDLER, CHRIS GOODE, CONNOR PARSLOW, CRAIG
  NAPLES, DAN TASSE, DANIEL MOELLER, DANNY
  KODICEK, DOMINIC LE GARSMEUR, DUNCAN
  STRICKLAND, HARRY, IRENE SEMANCHUK, JOSEPH
  MULVANEY, JULIE BEACOCK, MARK BENSON, MICHAEL
  KITT, NICKY HEWGILL, PAUL TOPPING, PETER ROYAL,
  RICHARD SPEED, ROSE JOHNSON, SENTIENT MEATBAG,
  TIM BEACHY

  * BIG BROTHERS: Deny Coughlan, Peter Cooper,
  Nick Kent, Russ Anderson, 5telios, Adam
  Kaczmarek, Adam Tickner, Al Napp, Alex Wren,
  Alex Wrottesley, Amy Oliver, Andrea Vail,
  Andrew Harris, Andy Nattan, Andy Shirling, Ben,
  Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben Groom, Ben
  Sugden, Ben Webb, Bobod, BSG, Cat Conner,
  Centuries of Sound, Chris Ward, Christina
  Freeman, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Dan
  Fairs, Darren John Harris, Dave The Hammer
  Parry, David Bond, David Ellinor, David
  Whittam, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
  Fenris Games, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Graham
  Freeman, Gwyn Fisher, Hadleigh Charles, Hugh
  Noble, Iain M Barker, Ian Silvester, Ilya, Ivan
  Shiel, Jace Otting, James, James Meers,
  Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John Griffiths,
  John M, Jon Bounds, Julie Brumlik, Lee Ball,
  Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
  madgwick, Mark Ryan, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Matt
  Carr, Matt Loren, Michael Bryan, Mike Booth,
  Mike Carter, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick, Nick
  Murdoch, Nigel Ford, Oli, P Underwood, Paul
  Bayfield, Paul Braithwaite, Paul Mancini, Paul
  Slade, Peter, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
  Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Rob
  Potter, Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan,
  Russell Webster, Sam Brown, Seirian Hanner,
  Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen McAuley,
  Stephen Williams, Stewart C. Russell, Stéphane,
  Swedemason, Tanya Kant, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim
  Knight, Tim Polglase, Tom Clark, Tony East,
  Victoria Wood, wigglywigglyworm, Wine School of
  Philadelphia.

  Written by Rob Manuel.

  Also thanks to Matt Round, Snotters, Monkeon,
  HappyToast (site help).

-------------------------------------------------

Day 4,380 in the Twitter house and journalists
are moaning about other journalists for the
4,380th day running.
 
-------------------------------------------------

  Please sub us some cash, thank you:
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

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