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NEWSLETTER: "IF YOU KNEW PEGGING SUE, THEN YOU'D KNOW WHY I FEEL BLUE WITHOUT PEGGING, MY PEGGING SUE"

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This Week:
* SONG - depressed kangaroos are cute?!
* LOREM IPSUM - use this and get sacked
* IMAGE CHALLENGE RESULTS - Fish LPs (not *him*)

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |   "Hey guys! Remember 
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  to subscribe and like 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| our farts YouTube channel" 

B3ta electronic e-email 731 - 19th Coctober 2019

Read this issue whilst wanking & crying (as usual):
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue731

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK
  Other than huffing our own farts

  >> Kangaroo Song <<
  Pi Bennett writes, "Sorry not really a funny
  one, but it has got a kangaroo in space..."
  This clearly wants to be the next Baby Shark
  song, but is undermined by melancholy harmonies
  which makes us like it. Poor sad Kangaroo,
  jumping around, whilst knowing capitalism will
  end us all.
https://b3ta.com/links/Kangaroo_Song

  >> Fesshole Ipsum << 
  LiamBlizard writes, "I made a Lorem Ipsum
  generator from fesshole confessions." This is
  brilliantly shit idea, in that using horrible
  confessions as your test copy is asking for
  trouble. 
https://fessholeipsum.com

  >> Riveting fishing documentary <<
  Rough Glory Films writes, "I made a docudramedy
  about 2 old clowns in a Spanish fishing village
  - we had tears and laughs in test screenings
  but it's length (39:46) is tricky for film
  festivals to programme, which is a shame cos
  it's got some good bits."
https://vimeo.com/267812503 

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Twitter is a dating service for matching
strangers with the hills that they didn't know
they wanted to die on

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: FESSHOLLE
  Your horrible confessions, confessed
  
  * HIGH FLYER - "I microdose with LSD at work to
  make my life a little bit less boring. I am a
  commercial pilot."

  * KINDERGARTEN COP - "Whenever people I know
  post pictures of their kids I report the
  picture as spam/fake account/etc because I hate
  kids."

  * FACE/OFF "My boss once caught me in his
  office trying to photocopy my face. While
  apologising, I couldn't quite make a smooth
  exit due to the temporary blindness caused by
  the photocopier."

  Fesshole has had 82,012 words submitted so far,
  making it the same length as Anne Frank's
  diaries and just as likely to make you weep for
  the tragedy that is man's inhumanity to man.

  Confess your fessfessions NOW!
https://twitter.com/fesshole

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We hope the singer of the Pet Shop Boys gets
knighted so the Queen can say, "KNEEL, TENNANT!" 

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEFS 
  Stuff made by people better looking that us 
  
  * TEXTY GAME - A game made out of ascii art. 
  We didn't bother with many of the game
  elements, and just wandered around thinking how
  lovely it looked.
http://asciident.com/demo/

  * WORDY PUZZLE - an easter egg-heavy word
  puzzle. This killed our productivity until we
  completed it.
https://rubyleehs.itch.io/startwithnothing

  * YOUNG CHRIS MORRIS - we enjoyed this footage
  of an extraordinarily young Chris Morris
  playing bass. 
https://reckordmedia.files.wordpress.com/2018/03/exhamsters-anglia-hd1.mp4

  * LP COVERS MINUS WOMEN - Iranian music
  streaming site removes all women from LP covers
  and the result looks like a B3ta image
  challenge.
https://www.demilked.com/women-removed-from-album-covers-melovaz-iran/

  * WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU NUKE A CITY? You'll not
  be surprised that it's bad, but the detail is
  fun. Let's nuke Coventry.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5iPH-br_eJQ

  * DR WHO POLITICIANS - Awful politicians and
  their 1972-1981 Doctor Who counterparts
  (thread):
https://twitter.com/Dempster2000/status/1185157065762856961

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When Michael Jackson asks "who's bad?" We reply
"the Tories". Excellent satire. Send newsletter.

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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Fish Albums

  Here's the best images from last week:

  * ABBEY ROD -  (Captain Howdy)
http://b3ta.com/board/11296937

  * SGT. ZANDER'S LONELY CARPS CHUB BAND - 
  (Captain Howdy)
http://b3ta.com/board/11296893

  * LIKE A STURGEON -  (WGCtrev)
http://b3ta.com/board/11296765

  * See all the other images from the 'Fish
  Albums' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/fishalbums/popular/

  >> This week: IKEA <<
  Let's take a trip to everyone's favourite
  impossible to navigate, flat pack megastore.
  Celebrate the wonder of IKEA from it's iconic
  instruction manuals to its billy bookshelves
  and tasty meatballs.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/ikea/popular/

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Which member of Queen would you like as a
flatmate?

We asked 2,000 people this important question and
here are the results:

Roger Taylor: 11%
Freddie Mercury: 24%
Brian May: 26%
John Deacon: 38% 

Deacon smashed it mainly because people think we
would be quiet and sort out the bills.

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: FOLLOW UPS
  What happened next in b3ta-land
  
  * ROUND HAS HIT WITH CIRCLE - Matthew Round
  writes, "I launched VOLE.wtf in August hoping
  to nudge upwards from 100ish views a day to
  maybe a steady flow of 1,000 after some time if
  I kept adding things. It just reached half a
  million page views. Maybe there's still a place
  for quirky standalone websites after all"
http://VOLE.wtf

  * B3TAN TURNS POPULAR PHOTOSHOP INTO "PRODUCT"
  - "I've only gone and done it. I've made a
  #WagathaChristie Guess Who insert for this
  kid's version of the game"
https://twitter.com/JimmerUK/status/1183368585458126849

  * NEW FEATURES ON /BOARD - Thanks to Wil Hadden
  for improving how replies work on the board on
  mobile. Three cheers for Wil. (Cheers. Cheers.
  Cheers.)

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Thinking about getting a penis extension. Thought
about it long and hard.

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Make some content, for cunts' ent(ertainment) 

  * NERD OLYMPICS - There should be a competition
  for cassette enthusiasts and retro computing
  nerds where they compete to load Manic Miner in
  the shortest time via tape, using high
  bit-rates and finely tuned tape decks etc.

  * MATCH UNWANTED BOOKS WITH READERS - Media
  outlets get sent books they don't want. Public
  do want books. Match them up. And you
  absolutely do not get a second book unless you
  submit a review for the first.

  * PAP GAP - A Chrome plug-in that estimates
  from visual grain how far away the paparazzi
  shot of the celeb was taken.

  Best your best to:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

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'Triggered' Happy

Dom Joly: I'M ON THE PHONE. TO THE EDITOR OF SPIKED.

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS
  Thanking you, the best crew

  * BIGGEST BROTHERS: *EUGENIE VT*, *ALEX
  MORRIS*, *HEBTROCO*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*, *JAMES
  PETTS*, *JON GRANT*, *KATE*, *MARK MCCREADIE*,
  *MR PHIL DONNELLY*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
  *STOOBERT*, *24-7 DEATH*, *ALAN CHARLTON*,
  *ALISTAIR*, *ANDREW FLEMMING*, *ANDREW WREN*,
  *BEVAN JOHNSON*, *BRIAN EELES*, *CHRIS
  BLAKENEY*, *CHRIS CARLINE*, *CHRIS LOCKE*,
  *CRISS MORENO*, *GEORGE STEPHENSON*, *GREG
  MCGOWAN*, *IAN SHEEN*, *JAIMIE VANDENBERGH*,
  *JAMES CRONIN*, *JON BINSTEAD*, *MARK ADAMSON*,
  *MICHAEL TRINDER*, *NAT KING COLESLAW*,
  *PATRICK CATES*, *RICHARD BARCLAY*, *SIMON
  NICHOLLS*, *SPAZZCAPTAIN*, *TOM DOLAN*, *WENDY
  GOODE

  * BIGGER BROTHERS: NICK MORGAN, LEE BURNETT,
  @MATTDAWHIT, ADAM ATACK, ADAM COONEY, ADAM
  INGLIS, ADAM LLOYD, ADRIAN WOODFIELD, AL
  DAVIDSON, ALBION GRAY, ANDREW SCHEUBER, ANDY
  ASHTON, ANDY STORRAR, ANDY TILLETT, ANDY
  WEBBER, ANDY YATES`, ANNA, ANNE-MARIE SCOTT,
  AUNTIESASH HAZLEWOOD, BEN BRICE, BEN WARD, BEN
  WATSON, BERTIL HANSSON, BERTRAM WOOSTER, BEX
  COOK, BLOSSOMSHED, BRAD GREGORY, BYRON GEOFFREY
  FARROW, C BOND, CARL MORGAN, CATHERINE
  MCALLISTER, CATROASTER, CHEF TWAT, CHRIS
  BRANCH, CHRIS EVANS, CHRIS GARRATT, CHRIS
  GOUGH, CHRIS PATERSON, CHRIS SAUNDERS, CHRIS
  SHAW, CHRIS WHITWORTH, CIARÁN R, COURTENAY
  FERRIS, CRAIG LIDDELL, CRAIG TONKS, CRAIG
  TURNER, DAMIEN SMITH, DAN STOTT, DANIEL BROWN,
  DANIEL CHOTE, DAVE NATTRISS, DAVE TICKLE, DAVID
  AULT, DAVID CATLEY, DAVID GARDINER, DAVID
  GREEN, DAVID KING, DAVID KNOLL, DAVID MILLS,
  DEREK LAW, DEREK ROBERTS, DOMINIC HAIGH, ED CAN
  DO, ED COOK, EDWARD ALMOND, EMMA LAY, ERIC VON
  BORSTEL, ESSY DAVE, FAITH H. MARTIN, FEARGHAS,
  FERGUS MCKAY, FIONA JAMES, FOURSTAR, FRASER
  LEWRY, FUNKSTER, GAYNOR CLARKSON, GEOFF TIDEY,
  GEOFFREY BALME, GEORGE PRESTON, GIA MILINOVICH,
  GNEISSROCKS, GRAHAM LICENCE, GREENFOX, GREG
  NEILSON, GUS NICOL, HANNAH CHUBB, HEIDI
  COLTHUP, HELEN GASKELL, IAIN, IAIN BRASSINGTON,
  IAIN FULLER, IAIN HENSHAW, IAIN MOFFATT, IAIN
  RUXTON, IAN BEVERIDGE, IAN BOLTZ, IVAN KELLY,
  JAMES CLAYTON, JAMES DONNELLY, JAMES GOLBEY,
  JAMES KERRY-BARNARD, JAMES MACINNES, JAMES
  O'MALLEY, JAMES PEARSON, JAMES SHAKESPEARE,
  JAMIE TAYLOR, JANE BAKER, JASON STEWART, JAY
  ROCHE, JAYMIE THOMAS, JERRY QUARTLEY, JIM
  DABELL, JIM FRAYLING, JIM HALFPENNY, JIM
  MACARTHUR, JIM WOODWARD, JOE BANNER, JOE
  MCNALLY, JOE SIMMONDS, JOEY MOORE, JOHN
  FARAGHER, JOHN FOSTER, JOHN HAMMERSLEY, JOHN
  HIGGS, JOHN MATTHEWS, JOHNNIE SHANNON, JOHNNY
  WATTERS, JONTY WAREING, JOSH MCMILLAN, JOSHUA
  THOMASSON, JUDE EVANS, JUSTIN BRETT, J&#463;M
  MCN&#463;VEN, KATE DEVLIN, KEV ADAMS, KONRAD
  PETRUSEWICZ, LISA WESTHAVEN, LOUISE ALLEN, LUKE
  MEPHAM, MARINA DE JOSLIN, MARK HIBBETT, MARK
  WILSON, MARTIN BEER, MARTIN DAVIES, MARTIN
  HOLLOWAY, MARTIN PEACHE, MATHEW CLAYTON,
  MATSIMPSK, MATT BUCHANAN, MATT DREWRY, MATTHEW
  COLLINGE, MATTHEW FORMAN, MATTHEW MORRIS,
  MATTHEW WILKES, MICK CURTIS, MIDNIGHTRAMBLER,
  MIKE MIDDLETON, MIL JAMIESON, MONTOCAT, NEIL DE
  CARTERET, NICK ROSS, OBIW4N SHINOBI, OLIVER
  BEWES, PAUL CHERRY, PAUL LEADER, PAUL SMITH,
  PAUL WESTERMAN, PETER ASHTRAY, PETER COOMBE,
  PETER GOSLING, PETER MCMINN, PETER WOUDA,
  PHILIP KINCHINGTON, POOKONG, REBECCA MCMANUS,
  RHYS WYNNE, RICH POPE, RICHARD BECKETT, RICHARD
  MATTHIAS, RICK LINDLEY, RIVEN A BUCKLEY, ROB
  AFFLECK, ROB MAHON, ROB VINCENT, ROBBIE LESIUK,
  ROBERT HILLS, ROBIN, ROSS CARTER,
  ROSSOVERTHERE, RUPERT HULL, RYAN DORAN, RYAN
  RHODES, SALEEM AHMAD, SAM ANDERSON, SAM
  RUSSELL, SARAH WILLIAMSON, SCOTT S. KRAMER,
  SEAN CASELY, SIMON COWAN, SIMON HOLMES, SIMON
  MCDOUGALL, SIMON SMITH, SIMON WATERFALL,
  STARLORD MIXTAPE, STEPHEN WALLER, STEVE
  ANGLESEY, STEVE LAKER, STEVE PROWSE, , STEVEN
  SMITH, STEVEY GARLAND, STEWART NOLAN, STUART
  ALLDRED, STUART ASHEN, TIM JOKL, TIM MOUNCER,
  TIM WEAVER, TOM CRICK, TOM HEBBRON, TOM
  REES-WILLIAMS, TOM RYAN, TOM WRIGHT,
  TOWNSENDSPUBLISHER, TYRONNE MANN, VICKI JAKES,
  WIL HADDEN, WILL GOULDEN, GAVIN TOMMEY, IAN
  APPLEBY, PETE, STUART RICHARDS, TOBIE FYSH,
  CARL MESNER LYONS, CHRIS JOHNSON, EMMA SYKES,
  JAN SPIELHOFF, JESS BAKER, JOHN FIELD, MIKE
  CONGREVE, SEAN FLANAGAN, TOM FREKE, ED ZITRON,
  ADAM BEARDWOOD, DAVID STARK, ALASTAIR DODD,
  ALEXANDRE STRUBE, ANDREW ROBINSON, ANDY
  CANDLER, CHRIS GOODE, CONNOR PARSLOW, CRAIG
  NAPLES, DAN TASSE, DANIEL MOELLER, DANNY
  KODICEK, DOMINIC LE GARSMEUR, DUNCAN
  STRICKLAND, HARRY, IRENE SEMANCHUK, JOSEPH
  MULVANEY, JULIE BEACOCK, MARK BENSON, MICHAEL
  KITT, NICKY HEWGILL, PAUL TOPPING, PETER ROYAL,
  RICHARD SPEED, ROSE JOHNSON, SENTIENT MEATBAG,
  TIM BEACHY

  * BIG BROTHERS: Deny Coughlan, Peter Cooper,
  Nick Kent, Russ Anderson, 5telios, Adam
  Kaczmarek, Adam Tickner, Al Napp, Alex Wren,
  Alex Wrottesley, Amy Oliver, Andrea Vail,
  Andrew Harris, Andy Nattan, Andy Shirling, Ben,
  Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben Groom, Ben
  Sugden, Ben Webb, Bobod, BSG, Cat Conner,
  Centuries of Sound, Chris Ward, Christina
  Freeman, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Dan
  Fairs, Darren John Harris, Dave The Hammer
  Parry, David Bond, David Ellinor, David
  Whittam, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
  Fenris Games, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Graham
  Freeman, Gwyn Fisher, Hadleigh Charles, Hugh
  Noble, Iain M Barker, Ian Silvester, Ilya, Ivan
  Shiel, Jace Otting, James, James Meers,
  Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John Griffiths,
  John M, Jon Bounds, Julie Brumlik, Lee Ball,
  Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
  madgwick, Mark Ryan, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Matt
  Carr, Matt Loren, Michael Bryan, Mike Booth,
  Mike Carter, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick, Nick
  Murdoch, Nigel Ford, Oli, P Underwood, Paul
  Bayfield, Paul Braithwaite, Paul Mancini, Paul
  Slade, Peter, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
  Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Rob
  Potter, Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan,
  Russell Webster, Sam Brown, Seirian Hanner,
  Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen McAuley,
  Stephen Williams, Stewart C. Russell, Stéphane,
  Swedemason, Tanya Kant, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim
  Knight, Tim Polglase, Tom Clark, Tony East,
  Victoria Wood, wigglywigglyworm, Wine School of
  Philadelphia.

  Written by Rob Manuel.

  Also thanks to Matt Round, Snotters, Monkeon,
  HappyToast (site help).

  Get a little Xtra links from the Halifax (and
  buffet_the_appetite_slayer & fred zeppelin &
  Chris "the" Barker)
 
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Us: You are going to die, make every second
count.
Also us: We'll just spend 18 years looking at the
internet.

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  Please sub us some cash, thank you:
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

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