NEWSLETTER: "BINFLUENCERS UNITE!"
This Week:
* QUIZ - which celeb has the most followers on Twitter?
* EGGPOD - John Higgs does Paul McCartney solo
* FESSHOLE - Pronounce 'broccoli' as 'bollocky'?
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're squatting to
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | shit in French municipal
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| toilets ... together"
B3ta e-e-eemail 732 - 9th Nov 2019
Read this issue backwards and summon Satan.net
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue732
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK
Other than making sinister groans
>> Twitter follower quiz <<
Can you guess which celeb has the most
followers on Twitter? What if the celebs are
Orville the Duck vs Aswad? Monkeon is BACK on
his quiz bullshit and this is superb.
https://monkeon.co.uk/twitterpopularitycontest/
>> Ad blocker gag <<
Matt Round writes, "Ad blockers everywhere
nowadays and I didn't want to feel left out. If
you don't have an ad blocker, you can add
#block to the URL then refresh."
https://vole.wtf/
>> Don't Tape Over - comedy / mystery / horror pilot <<
SeldomDiffer writes "If you have 30 minutes to
spare have a look at this show I made. Thanks!"
https://youtu.be/NoC11KnSE2g
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It's no longer a single use plastic, if you fill
the bottle with piss, and throw it at Boris
Johnson.
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: JOHN HIGGS DOES THE EGGPODD
Fireman - Rushes
In a collaboration of the scale of when Duran
Duran worked with John Barry, our favourite
author John Higgs has made a guest appearance
on our favourite podcast. Well, we confess, we
might have pushed to make this happen.
John's tackling McCartneys' ambient LP Rushes -
no don't run away - it's actually fascinating
and Higg's brings insight to a corner of Beatle
bollocks most people ignore.
It's a "The Requiem for Linda":
https://iamtheeggpod.com
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The first law of robotics is you have to pretend
to be trapped in an invisible box.
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: FESSHOLE
Your worst confessions, confessed
* JOB LOSS - "I got sacked from a shop job for
forgetting the clocks had moved and being late.
On my way out a now ex-workmate asked me where
I was going. I said I'd been asked to do a food
run, did he want anything. He gave me £20 and a
list. He never saw me or the £20 again."
* DEATH - "When my sister died, whilst we were
clearing out her flat. I found a lock box that
contained a load of sex toys and porn. Not
wanting my mum to know about it, I hid it and
went back in the middle of the night to pick it
up and put them all in a bin outside Asda."
* KIDS - "I taught my friend's 4-year-old
daughter to pronounce 'broccoli' as
'bollocky'."
There's now over 120,000 words in Fesshole's
databanks. Add some more.
https://twitter.com/fesshole
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The most important thing you can do in this
election is to disable your parents' router to
stop them reading Facebook.
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Content to stick up your content cunts
* ARGOS STICKS OLD CATALOGUES ONLINE - as Noël
Coward once said, "Strange how potent old
photos of cheap midi systems are."
http://argosbookofdreams.co.uk/
* BRIAN MAY DOES UNBOXING YOUTUBE VIDEO - Enjoy
curly-haired badger enthusiast spending 18
minutes explaining the board game "Queen
Monopoly". This is a superb entertainment fix
if you imagine it's a Brian Pern deep cut. Very
quotable in boring way. "We regarded this as a
Queen project. It's like making an album" "It's
not a hotel it's a FULL PRODUCTION! Why can't
people get this right? It really isn't hard."
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* JON PERTWEE SAYING "SHOW US YOUR TITS" - an
amusingly awful moment from an old corporate
video. The past was a different cunt tree and
all that.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* SPICE GIRLS MASH-UP - finally Slipknot and
Spice Girls in one track.
http://b3ta.com/links/1527184
* WHO WROTE THIS MADONNA HIT? The barely
believable origin story of Madonna's Open Your
Heart. It involves an unknown songwriter
breaking into a studio to get his demo onto a
tape Madonna would hear. It utterly contradicts
what Wikipedia says - but interesting anyway.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* LISTEN TO WIKIPEDIA. Surprisingly relaxing.
Brian Eno probably thinks the whole web should
be like this. And he's wrong. The stupid cunt.
http://listen.hatnote.com
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If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around
to record it as a podcast, is it still content?
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Follow ups on previous stories in the b3tan world
* ROUND NUMBERS - Matt Round writes 'If you
need to fill space with a what-happened-next,
could mention that people have drawn over 10
million circles, "One person claimed it's
harvesting personality data for psyops,
another complained it's wasting countless
precious, ephemeral lives. I'm so proud."'
https://vole.wtf/perfect-circle/
-------------------------------------------------
Did you know there's a porn star called Abby
Rode? If you're a porn star looking for a Beatles
LP influenced name, these aren't taken yet: Ree
Vulva & Rub Arsehole.
-------------------------------------------------
: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Workplace Horror
Here's the best images from last week:
* Hellraiser In The Office from plankton
http://b3ta.com/board/11298104
* BoJo's Nightmare Before Xmas from S4RK
http://b3ta.com/board/11298248
* I Spit In Your Grave from WGCtrev
http://b3ta.com/board/11298064
* See all the other images from the 'Workplace
Horror' challenge:
https://b3ta.com/challenge/workplacehorror/popular...
>> This week: Time Travel TV <<
What would Eastenders be like during Roman
times? Would Mrs Brown's Boys be funny if it
was set in 3025? Time travel the heck out of
all your favourite TV shows
https://b3ta.com/challenge/timetraveltv/popular/
-------------------------------------------------
: HOW TO IMPROVE VOTING
A B3tan guide to democracy
* 16 year olds should get TWO votes as they've
got to live with the consequences longer.
* Blank ballot papers so votes only count if
you can remember the name of the candidate.
* One person, one vote and that person is Sir
David Attenborough.
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make content, you cunts
* BOWERICK WOWBAGGER THE INFINITELY PROLONGED
BOT. Get an old phonebook CD. Loop through it:
"D Smith of 14 Arcadia Gardens, Kent. You're a
prick. An absolute pillock wasting your life."
* ONLINE EXECUTOR SERVICE - A friend of ours
once asked us to be his "online executor" and
clean up his search history etc should he die.
This was 12 years ago and he's not died yet but
maybe there should be a group service for
people volunteering for their mates for this.
* HTML: THE MOVIE - Two years until the 30th
anniversary of HTML. That's enough time for
someone to make a decent film. There's your doc
project, nerdy people looking for a project.
The significant people are still alive, this
stuff changed the world and there would be an
audience who'd watch.
Send your digital missives to:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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The only people who are enthusiastic about BBC
Sounds are people in adverts for BBC Sounds
-------------------------------------------------
: PATREON THANKS
Thanking you, the best crew
* BIGGEST BROTHERS: *EUGENIE VT*, *ALEX
MORRIS*, *HEBTROCO*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*, *JAMES
PETTS*, *JON GRANT*, *KATE*, *MARK MCCREADIE*,
*MR PHIL DONNELLY*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
*STOOBERT*, *24-7 DEATH*, *ALAN CHARLTON*,
*ALISTAIR*, *ANDREW FLEMMING*, *ANDREW WREN*,
*BEVAN JOHNSON*, *BRIAN EELES*, *CHRIS
BLAKENEY*, *CHRIS CARLINE*, *CHRIS LOCKE*,
*CRISS MORENO*, *GEORGE STEPHENSON*, *GREG
MCGOWAN*, *IAN SHEEN*, *JAIMIE VANDENBERGH*,
*JAMES CRONIN*, *JON BINSTEAD*, *MARK ADAMSON*,
*MICHAEL TRINDER*, *NAT KING COLESLAW*,
*PATRICK CATES*, *RICHARD BARCLAY*, *SIMON
NICHOLLS*, *SPAZZCAPTAIN*, *TOM DOLAN*, *WENDY
GOODE
* BIGGER BROTHERS: NICK MORGAN, LEE BURNETT,
@MATTDAWHIT, ADAM ATACK, ADAM COONEY, ADAM
INGLIS, ADAM LLOYD, ADRIAN WOODFIELD, AL
DAVIDSON, ALBION GRAY, ANDREW SCHEUBER, ANDY
ASHTON, ANDY STORRAR, ANDY TILLETT, ANDY
WEBBER, ANDY YATES`, ANNA, ANNE-MARIE SCOTT,
AUNTIESASH HAZLEWOOD, BEN BRICE, BEN WARD, BEN
WATSON, BERTIL HANSSON, BERTRAM WOOSTER, BEX
COOK, BLOSSOMSHED, BRAD GREGORY, BYRON GEOFFREY
FARROW, C BOND, CARL MORGAN, CATHERINE
MCALLISTER, CATROASTER, CHEF TWAT, CHRIS
BRANCH, CHRIS EVANS, CHRIS GARRATT, CHRIS
GOUGH, CHRIS PATERSON, CHRIS SAUNDERS, CHRIS
SHAW, CHRIS WHITWORTH, CIARÁN R, COURTENAY
FERRIS, CRAIG LIDDELL, CRAIG TONKS, CRAIG
TURNER, DAMIEN SMITH, DAN STOTT, DANIEL BROWN,
DANIEL CHOTE, DAVE NATTRISS, DAVE TICKLE, DAVID
AULT, DAVID CATLEY, DAVID GARDINER, DAVID
GREEN, DAVID KING, DAVID KNOLL, DAVID MILLS,
DEREK LAW, DEREK ROBERTS, DOMINIC HAIGH, ED CAN
DO, ED COOK, EDWARD ALMOND, EMMA LAY, ERIC VON
BORSTEL, ESSY DAVE, FAITH H. MARTIN, FEARGHAS,
FERGUS MCKAY, FIONA JAMES, FOURSTAR, FRASER
LEWRY, FUNKSTER, GAYNOR CLARKSON, GEOFF TIDEY,
GEOFFREY BALME, GEORGE PRESTON, GIA MILINOVICH,
GNEISSROCKS, GRAHAM LICENCE, GREENFOX, GREG
NEILSON, GUS NICOL, HANNAH CHUBB, HEIDI
COLTHUP, HELEN GASKELL, IAIN, IAIN BRASSINGTON,
IAIN FULLER, IAIN HENSHAW, IAIN MOFFATT, IAIN
RUXTON, IAN BEVERIDGE, IAN BOLTZ, IVAN KELLY,
JAMES CLAYTON, JAMES DONNELLY, JAMES GOLBEY,
JAMES KERRY-BARNARD, JAMES MACINNES, JAMES
O'MALLEY, JAMES PEARSON, JAMES SHAKESPEARE,
JAMIE TAYLOR, JANE BAKER, JASON STEWART, JAY
ROCHE, JAYMIE THOMAS, JERRY QUARTLEY, JIM
DABELL, JIM FRAYLING, JIM HALFPENNY, JIM
MACARTHUR, JIM WOODWARD, JOE BANNER, JOE
MCNALLY, JOE SIMMONDS, JOEY MOORE, JOHN
FARAGHER, JOHN FOSTER, JOHN HAMMERSLEY, JOHN
HIGGS, JOHN MATTHEWS, JOHNNIE SHANNON, JOHNNY
WATTERS, JONTY WAREING, JOSH MCMILLAN, JOSHUA
THOMASSON, JUDE EVANS, JUSTIN BRETT, JǏM
MCNǏVEN, KATE DEVLIN, KEV ADAMS, KONRAD
PETRUSEWICZ, LISA WESTHAVEN, LOUISE ALLEN, LUKE
MEPHAM, MARINA DE JOSLIN, MARK HIBBETT, MARK
WILSON, MARTIN BEER, MARTIN DAVIES, MARTIN
HOLLOWAY, MARTIN PEACHE, MATHEW CLAYTON,
MATSIMPSK, MATT BUCHANAN, MATT DREWRY, MATTHEW
COLLINGE, MATTHEW FORMAN, MATTHEW MORRIS,
MATTHEW WILKES, MICK CURTIS, MIDNIGHTRAMBLER,
MIKE MIDDLETON, MIL JAMIESON, MONTOCAT, NEIL DE
CARTERET, NICK ROSS, OBIW4N SHINOBI, OLIVER
BEWES, PAUL CHERRY, PAUL LEADER, PAUL SMITH,
PAUL WESTERMAN, PETER ASHTRAY, PETER COOMBE,
PETER GOSLING, PETER MCMINN, PETER WOUDA,
PHILIP KINCHINGTON, POOKONG, REBECCA MCMANUS,
RHYS WYNNE, RICH POPE, RICHARD BECKETT, RICHARD
MATTHIAS, RICK LINDLEY, RIVEN A BUCKLEY, ROB
AFFLECK, ROB MAHON, ROB VINCENT, ROBBIE LESIUK,
ROBERT HILLS, ROBIN, ROSS CARTER,
ROSSOVERTHERE, RUPERT HULL, RYAN DORAN, RYAN
RHODES, SALEEM AHMAD, SAM ANDERSON, SAM
RUSSELL, SARAH WILLIAMSON, SCOTT S. KRAMER,
SEAN CASELY, SIMON COWAN, SIMON HOLMES, SIMON
MCDOUGALL, SIMON SMITH, SIMON WATERFALL,
STARLORD MIXTAPE, STEPHEN WALLER, STEVE
ANGLESEY, STEVE LAKER, STEVE PROWSE, , STEVEN
SMITH, STEVEY GARLAND, STEWART NOLAN, STUART
ALLDRED, STUART ASHEN, TIM JOKL, TIM MOUNCER,
TIM WEAVER, TOM CRICK, TOM HEBBRON, TOM
REES-WILLIAMS, TOM RYAN, TOM WRIGHT,
TOWNSENDSPUBLISHER, TYRONNE MANN, VICKI JAKES,
WIL HADDEN, WILL GOULDEN, GAVIN TOMMEY, IAN
APPLEBY, PETE, STUART RICHARDS, TOBIE FYSH,
CARL MESNER LYONS, CHRIS JOHNSON, EMMA SYKES,
JAN SPIELHOFF, JESS BAKER, JOHN FIELD, MIKE
CONGREVE, SEAN FLANAGAN, TOM FREKE, ED ZITRON,
ADAM BEARDWOOD, DAVID STARK, ALASTAIR DODD,
ALEXANDRE STRUBE, ANDREW ROBINSON, ANDY
CANDLER, CHRIS GOODE, CONNOR PARSLOW, CRAIG
NAPLES, DAN TASSE, DANIEL MOELLER, DANNY
KODICEK, DOMINIC LE GARSMEUR, DUNCAN
STRICKLAND, HARRY, IRENE SEMANCHUK, JOSEPH
MULVANEY, JULIE BEACOCK, MARK BENSON, MICHAEL
KITT, NICKY HEWGILL, PAUL TOPPING, PETER ROYAL,
RICHARD SPEED, ROSE JOHNSON, SENTIENT MEATBAG,
TIM BEACHY
* BIG BROTHERS: Deny Coughlan, Peter Cooper,
Nick Kent, Russ Anderson, 5telios, Adam
Kaczmarek, Adam Tickner, Al Napp, Alex Wren,
Alex Wrottesley, Amy Oliver, Andrea Vail,
Andrew Harris, Andy Nattan, Andy Shirling, Ben,
Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben Groom, Ben
Sugden, Ben Webb, Bobod, BSG, Cat Conner,
Centuries of Sound, Chris Ward, Christina
Freeman, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Dan
Fairs, Darren John Harris, Dave The Hammer
Parry, David Bond, David Ellinor, David
Whittam, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
Fenris Games, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Graham
Freeman, Gwyn Fisher, Hadleigh Charles, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ian Silvester, Ilya, Ivan
Shiel, Jace Otting, James, James Meers,
Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John Griffiths,
John M, Jon Bounds, Julie Brumlik, Lee Ball,
Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Mark Ryan, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Matt
Carr, Matt Loren, Michael Bryan, Mike Booth,
Mike Carter, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick, Nick
Murdoch, Nigel Ford, Oli, P Underwood, Paul
Bayfield, Paul Braithwaite, Paul Mancini, Paul
Slade, Peter, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Rob
Potter, Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan,
Russell Webster, Sam Brown, Seirian Hanner,
Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen McAuley,
Stephen Williams, Stewart C. Russell, Stéphane,
Swedemason, Tanya Kant, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim
Knight, Tim Polglase, Tom Clark, Tony East,
Victoria Wood, wigglywigglyworm, Wine School of
Philadelphia.
Written by Rob Manuel.
Also thanks to Matt Round, Snotters, Monkeon,
HappyToast (site help).
-------------------------------------------------
Wonder if Paul McCartney goes to sleep going
"Shit. Just spent all day wanking. Could have
written another Yesterday but denied the world
more genius because I couldn't stop messing with
my dick."
-------------------------------------------------
Please sub us some cash, thank you:
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
