NEWSLETTER: "WHAT IDIOT DIDN'T MAKE AN S CLUB JUNIORS VERSION OF STEPS AND CALL IT BABY STEPS?!"
This Week:
* BOT - What if Polpot had a baby with ET?
* QUIZ - Davos or Davros?
* NSFW ANIM - Eamonn Holmes Gives Birth to a Swan
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shitting-up
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | the web
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ... again"
B3ta email 738 - 20 Jan 2020
Read this issue whilst wanking and crying:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue738
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK(!)
B3tan writes book
Long-time B3tan Dr Whom has written a book.
It's called Before and After and is about a
601lb diabetic who needs his leg amputating.
He's being lifted out of his flat by crane when
the world ends. Buy Before and After NOW. (And
please do,so we don't feel guilty for taking
his money.
http://www.helpbiscuits.com/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK
Other than making suspicious jam
>> Gruesome Twosome bot <<
Shardcore has made a bot that combines
celebrity faces with other celebrity faces. You
can tell we didn't make it as it's not all
"what would happen if Bungle had a baby with
Hitler?"
http://shardcore.org/shardpress2019/2020/01/14/cel...
>> A Quiz for You <<
Bounder writes, "The World Economic Forum kicks
off this week, and the private jet engines are
warming up - but can you tell who said it: the
global economic elite or the creator of the
DALEKs? Meaning: was it Davos or Davros?"
http://davosordavros.co.uk/
>> Eamonn Holmes Gives Birth to a Swan <<
Unclepills informs us that old B3tonian Russ
Butter has made something truly wondrous /
terrible. NSFW as your own tits.
http://rossbutter.com/eamonn-holmes-gives-birth-to...
-------------------------------------------------
Crowdfunding half a million quid to spend on a
single bong of a clock is like something the KLF
might have done. We're now totally pro it as the
most vicious bit of satire on capitalism ever
conceived.
-------------------------------------------------
: BUY THIS? WHY THE FUCK NOT
Handheld Nintendo Emulator
We just bought a £16 handheld Nintendo copy on
Amazon - 400 NES games built in. Costs fuck all
- might keep you entertained for a bit before
Nintendo stop Amazon selling them.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B07LBG2D...
-------------------------------------------------
: FESSHOLE
Your confessions confessed for clicks
Here's our favs this week:
* NICE PIZZA - "Used to work at Pizza Hut.
Sometimes a big takeout order late at night
would make the restaurant run out of pizza and
close. If no one came to collect the pizza,
staff got to eat it. When I wasn't at work I
would ring up and order 20 large pizzas at
10PM. I never collected."
* ADULTRY - "I know my wife has been fucking a
bloke down the road but, presumably out of
guilt, the house has never been cleaner, my
clothes are always clean and I get dinner made
every night. I'm happy to live this lie."
* RELATBLE (FOR PARENTS) - "When our kids were
small the only way my wife and I could have sex
was by distracting them with Peppa Pig videos.
To this day when I hear the theme tune I get
very aroused."
Join the 48K (hello ZX Spectrum fans) who
Follow @Fesshole NOW!
https://twitter.com/fesshole
-------------------------------------------------
Can @swearclock crowdfund £500k so that when we
leave the EU it tweets "probably a shit idea
lads"
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff made by udders
>> Mark Fowler AIDS Song <<
If you remember Tucker getting HIV in
Eastenders then this is funniest 3 mins you'll
watch today. Although if you're younger than
about 40 you might be baffled and horrified.
http://b3ta.com/links/1531356
>> Design a sweater for a rat <<
Only a matter of time before a rat sweater cock
is created.
https://algorat.club/sweater/
>> Best of Internet Archive account <<
ArcOnInternet does a good job of finding
interesting things from the Internet Archive -
which is an amazing site, but an arse to
rummage through all the rubbish to find the
gold in amongst all the spam sites and Grateful
Dead live recordings, so curators are always
welcome.
https://twitter.com/ArcOnInternet
>> What the fuck is going on with Mr Bean YouTube <<
Most interesting video we've seen recently: the
hugely popular Mr Bean YouTube channel is
churning out awful low-quality crap aimed at
kids, with Rowan providing bits of shoddy
greenscreen footage etc. Colin Furze responded
in comments to being associated with it
https://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Roadman Peppa Pig <<
A suggestion from your editor's 10 y/o son -
and the torch has been passed - he's better at
finding funny stuff that us.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Racoon plays harp <<
Perfect comedy marriage of music and visuals.
https://b3ta.com/links/Raccoon_Plays_Harp
-------------------------------------------------
Sex is great yeah but have you ever had a new laptop?
-------------------------------------------------
: PODCASTS (YOUTUBE FOR THE UGLY)
"My Dog's Favourite Podcast"
And in ideas you wish you'd thought of, someone
has made a podcast for your dog that tells him
he's a nice boy whilst you're out at work. Is
it better than leaving Radio 3 on? No idea, but
the streams from dog parents are going to be
HUGE.
https://open.spotify.com/show/0STnwcEaUq6mdrs4EKLy...
-------------------------------------------------
: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Meat
Here's the best images from last week:
* A SALT BATTERY AND GRIEVOUS BODILY HAM from amoebaboy.
http://b3ta.com/board/11303956
* SHOTS FIRED IN THE WAR AGAINST MEAT from S4RK.
http://b3ta.com/board/11303762
* SWEET MEAT from TheCrookitFigger.
http://b3ta.com/board/11303981
* See all the other images from the 'Meat' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/meat/popular/
>> This week: Letter Change Computer Games <<
Change one letter of a favourite computer game
to make something so funny you need to
photoshop it. It's Letter Change Computer Games
week.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/letterchangegames/popula...
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make some junk and send it in drunk
* DOM BOT - write bot that replies "Classic
Dom" to everything @fesshole posts.
* FUCK OFF EMAIL SURVEY - wonder how many email
addresses collected on website nag screens are
[email protected] - because as of 1 minute
ago, we can promise you it's more than zero.
* SEND CHEQUES TO FAMOUS PEOPLE - see who
cashes them. This project should be redone for
modern times.
https://twitter.com/Natt/status/121778165779055001...
-------------------------------------------------
Free valentines messages for your special lady friend:
"I'd like to bum you from the front"
"Be my Eva Braun"
"I've given up wanking (quite as much) for you"
"Hey cohabiter, I think our relationship is solid
enough to get a cat"
-------------------------------------------------
: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel,
Faith H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry,
Gaynor Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson,
Gus Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller,
Iain Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker,
Jason Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes,
midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul Westerman,
Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter wouda,
Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope, Richard
Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk,
Ross Carter, RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott
S. Kramer, sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon
Holmes, Simon McDougall, Simon waterfall,
Stephen Waller, Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith,
Stuart Ashen, Tim Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim
Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan,
TownsendsPublisher, Wil Hadden, Will Goulden,
AuntieSash Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow,
Chef Twat, Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig
Turner, Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar,
Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence,
James Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook, Hannah
Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane McHugh,
Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig Liddell, Helen
Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will Moody, Nick
Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green, Justin Brett,
Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey, Stuart
Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner Lyons,
Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff, Mike
Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick
Kent, Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea
Vail, Andy Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben
cowell-thomas, Ben Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat
Conner, Centuries of Sound, Claire Allen,
Claire Zolkwer, Darren John Harris, Dave The
Hammer Parry, David Bond, David Ellinor, Daz
Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks,
Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M
Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim
Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E,
Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt
Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives,
Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul
Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas,
Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert
Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt
Please join the patreon so we can afford to
eat. And thank you to newish Patreon Ben Rout
and even newer one Tim Clarke. BYE!
http://patreon.com/b3ta
