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NEWSLETTER: "OPENING THIS NEWSLETTER WILL LIFT THE CURSE THAT'S BEEN BLIGHTING YOUR LIFE"

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This Week:
* PLACEHOLDERS - Just like Ian Curtis made them
* GAME - Zookoban - animal puzzle game
* FESSHOLE - Chris Packham confirms story

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're memeing the plums
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  that were in the icebox 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     ... together"

B3ta e-fax 739 - 27th Jan 2020

Read this issue after phoning 666 for Satan:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue739

-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK(!)
  B3tan writes book
  
  Long-time B3tan Dr Whom has written a book.
  It's called Before and After and is about a
  601lb diabetic who needs his leg amputating.
  He's being lifted out of his flat by crane when
  the world ends. Buy Before and After NOW. (And
  please do,so we don't feel guilty for taking
  his money.
http://www.helpbiscuits.com/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK
  Other than converting gerbils into soup

  >> Joy Division placeholders <<
  Stefan Bohacek's come up with a neat idea:
  generative images as placeholders in a website.
  Bot lorem-ipsum for images. With added Joy
  Division.
https://generative-placeholders.glitch.me

  >> Zookoban - animal puzzle game <<
  A 2d pixel-art puzzle game in which you help
  your animal pals escape the zoo. By Newington.
http://versificator.itch.io/zookoban

  >> Shitpatch Gardening <<
  Pig Face Turnip writes, "A gardening show for
  people without gardens who now can have a
  garden." 
http://b3ta.com/links/1531999

-------------------------------------------------

The Amstrad CPC464 User Guide was intended as a
warning, not an instruction manual.

-------------------------------------------------

: FESSHOLE
  Your confessions, confessed in lurid detail

  Our favs this week:

  * UNCIVIL WAR - "I think the entire country
  should just dress up in the colours of the
  party they are voting for, and have a fight to
  the death. Of course it's fully possible I'd
  get wiped out by some 6'8 tory farmer, but not
  before I've taken out at least 60, 70 racist
  grans."

  * SHOPPING WANKER - "At the scales in a branch
  of Morrisons I weighed & printed out individual
  labels for 20 Brussels Sprouts. Then lined them
  up single file on the checkout conveyor belt.
  The lady on the checkout was unimpressed and
  told me to grow up."

  * CATCHPHRASE PENETRATION - "During intercourse
  with my wife I used to say 'Hello, we're in' in
  the voice of popular 90's TV angler John Wilson
  MBE, right at the moment of penetration. We've
  been divorced 15 years." (Replies also suggest
  'All Aboard The Ninky-Nonk would be good.)

  Join the over 50,000 people following and
  contributing to Fesshole.
https://twitter.com/fesshole

 BTW: Also amazing, what a brilliant sport Chris
 Packham is about this utter nonsense and
 confirming the first ever bit of truth published
 by Fesshole.
https://twitter.com/robmanuel/status/1220377276547837954

-------------------------------------------------

Articles are just long tweets written by losers
who can't edit their thoughts down to a tweet.

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Flat, slow, clicky video

  * SCIENCE DIAGRAMS THAT LOOK LIKE SHITPOSTS -
  does what it says on the tin and impressive
  growth. Zero to 250k in less than a month.
  That's how to do it.
https://twitter.com/scienceshitpost

  * RASPBERRY PI POWERED LIVE TRAIN STATION BOARD
  - small project for your next weekend alone, in
  between the sobbing.
https://www.balena.io/blog/build-a-raspberry-pi-powered-train-station-oled-sign-for-your-desk/

  * THIS WEEK IN STARTUPS REINVENTING THINGS: the
  handkerchief. FFS, tech bros.
https://lasttissue.lastobject.com

 * PARIS HILTON TEACHES US HOW TO MAKE LASAGNE -
 38 y/o woman cooks lasagne with all the skill
 and insight of a 10 y/o who has watched her mum
 cook a few times. Compelling.
http://b3ta.com/links/1531863

  * IT'S NOT EASY BEING WHITE - Lozza Fox has
  gone from obscurity to fame by being a cunt on
  Question Time and here's his brilliant new
  song.
https://b3ta.com/links/Its_Not_Easy_Being_White

  * RADIATOR BLEEDING WITH CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON
  - nice parody of shite TV with some guy who
  used to be on Cracker.
https://b3ta.com/links/Radiator_Bleeding_with_Christopher_Eccleston

-------------------------------------------------

There’s more people who need to be told their
imposter syndrome is real and fewer who need to
get over it

-------------------------------------------------

: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Letter Change Computer Games

  Here's the best images from last week:

  * *WAGGLE* -  (monkeon)
http://b3ta.com/board/11304408

  * WATCH OUT FOR THOSE FINGER GUNS -  (Pizopop)
http://b3ta.com/board/11304266

  * G'NIGHT -  (PedroHin)
http://b3ta.com/board/11304338

  * See all the other images from the 'Letter
  Change Computer Games' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/letterchangegames/popular/

  >> This week: Monty Python <<
  It's a week of Monty Python related pictures
  and gifs. Because? Terry Jones.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/montypython/popular/

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Make some bollocks and send it to us

  * BBC GONE - Pitch: BBC Obits Channel. It only
  fires up when someone interesting dies &
  immediately shows their films / interviews /
  songs plus guests, whoever rolls by the studio
  with something to say. Why? Coz we wanted to
  revel in Terry Jones and had to make do with
  Netflix & some tweets.

 * TWEETS WITH SOUND - Your b3ta editor dreamt
 he'd made Twitter account. Most ideas in dreams
 are incoherent but this was weirdly 100% doable.
 It was called @withsoundfx took tweets (often
 photos) and repost them with comedy sound
 effects like heavy breathing etc. If anyone
 wants this dream idea, go ahead.

  * TWO RONNIES REMIX - "If you re-edit the Two
  Ronnies' Mastermind sketch so that Ronnie B is
  asking the right question, the audience is just
  pissing themselves laughing at the correct
  answers." says the tweet, but why not also make
  a remix version that plays a random answer for
  a random question for all eternity?
https://twitter.com/Darren_Dutton/status/1219021071111917569

  Send your cyber cucumbers to: 
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

We fact-checked the Stones lyric "I was born in a
crossfire hurricane", worked out when Jagger was
born and looked up 1940s weather reports. Then
put a good 30 minutes trying to craft this into a
"Mick, gotcha, you're a liar" before realising it
was as reference to the Blitz. So that's this bit
fucked.

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS 
  We love all these people

  *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
  MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
  JAMES* *STOOBERT*

  24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
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  SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
  ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH

  Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
  lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
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  Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker,
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  McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
  Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
  Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
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  midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
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  bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul Westerman,
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  Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope, Richard
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  S. Kramer, sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon
  Holmes, Simon McDougall, Simon waterfall,
  Stephen Waller, Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith,
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  Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan,
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  Conner, Centuries of Sound, Claire Allen,
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  Please join the patreon so we can afford to
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  Balch!
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