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NEWSLETTER: "WHAT IDIOT DIDN'T MAKE AN S CLUB JUNIORS VERSION OF STEPS AND CALL IT BABY STEPS?!"

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This Week:
* BOT - What if Polpot had a baby with ET?
* QUIZ - Davos or Davros?
* NSFW ANIM - Eamonn Holmes Gives Birth to a Swan
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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're shitting-up
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    the web
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     ... again"

B3ta email 738 - 20 Jan 2020

Read this issue whilst wanking and crying:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue738

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: SPONSORED LINK(!)
  B3tan writes book
  
  Long-time B3tan Dr Whom has written a book.
  It's called Before and After and is about a
  601lb diabetic who needs his leg amputating.
  He's being lifted out of his flat by crane when
  the world ends. Buy Before and After NOW. (And
  please do,so we don't feel guilty for taking
  his money.
http://www.helpbiscuits.com/

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK
  Other than making suspicious jam

  >> Gruesome Twosome bot <<
  Shardcore has made a bot that combines
  celebrity faces with other celebrity faces. You
  can tell we didn't make it as it's not all
  "what would happen if Bungle had a baby with
  Hitler?"
http://shardcore.org/shardpress2019/2020/01/14/celebreedy/

  >> A Quiz for You <<
  Bounder writes, "The World Economic Forum kicks
  off this week, and the private jet engines are
  warming up - but can you tell who said it: the
  global economic elite or the creator of the
  DALEKs? Meaning: was it Davos or Davros?"
http://davosordavros.co.uk/ 

  >> Eamonn Holmes Gives Birth to a Swan <<
  Unclepills informs us that old B3tonian Russ
  Butter has made something truly wondrous /
  terrible. NSFW as your own tits.
http://rossbutter.com/eamonn-holmes-gives-birth-to-a-swan/ 

-------------------------------------------------

Crowdfunding half a million quid to spend on a
single bong of a clock is like something the KLF
might have done. We're now totally pro it as the
most vicious bit of satire on capitalism ever
conceived. 

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: BUY THIS? WHY THE FUCK NOT
  Handheld Nintendo Emulator

  We just bought a £16 handheld Nintendo copy on
  Amazon - 400 NES games built in. Costs fuck all
  - might keep you entertained for a bit before
  Nintendo stop Amazon selling them.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B07LBG2D5Y/b3ta-21

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: FESSHOLE
  Your confessions confessed for clicks
  
  Here's our favs this week:

  * NICE PIZZA  - "Used to work at Pizza Hut.
  Sometimes a big takeout order late at night
  would make the restaurant run out of pizza and
  close. If no one came to collect the pizza,
  staff got to eat it. When I wasn't at work I
  would ring up and order 20 large pizzas at
  10PM. I never collected."

  * ADULTRY - "I know my wife has been fucking a
  bloke down the road but, presumably out of
  guilt, the house has never been cleaner, my
  clothes are always clean and I get dinner made
  every night. I'm happy to live this lie."

  * RELATBLE (FOR PARENTS) - "When our kids were
  small the only way my wife and I could have sex
  was by distracting them with Peppa Pig videos.
  To this day when I hear the theme tune I get
  very aroused."

  Join the 48K (hello ZX Spectrum fans) who
  Follow @Fesshole NOW!
https://twitter.com/fesshole

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Can @swearclock crowdfund £500k so that when we
leave the EU it tweets "probably a shit idea
lads"

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff made by udders

  >> Mark Fowler AIDS Song <<
  If you remember Tucker getting HIV in
  Eastenders then this is funniest 3 mins you'll
  watch today. Although if you're younger than
  about 40 you might be baffled and horrified.
http://b3ta.com/links/1531356

  >> Design a sweater for a rat <<
  Only a matter of time before a rat sweater cock
  is created.
https://algorat.club/sweater/

  >> Best of Internet Archive account <<
  ArcOnInternet does a good job of finding
  interesting things from the Internet Archive -
  which is an amazing site, but an arse to
  rummage through all the rubbish to find the
  gold in amongst all the spam sites and Grateful
  Dead live recordings, so curators are always
  welcome.
https://twitter.com/ArcOnInternet

  >> What the fuck is going on with Mr Bean YouTube <<
  Most interesting video we've seen recently: the
  hugely popular Mr Bean YouTube channel is
  churning out awful low-quality crap aimed at
  kids, with Rowan providing bits of shoddy
  greenscreen footage etc. Colin Furze responded
  in comments to being associated with it
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6qYKXLr28zo

  >> Roadman Peppa Pig <<
  A suggestion from your editor's 10 y/o son -
  and the torch has been passed - he's better at
  finding funny stuff that us.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJjMlPpOH1I

  >> Racoon plays harp <<
  Perfect comedy marriage of music and visuals.
https://b3ta.com/links/Raccoon_Plays_Harp

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Sex is great yeah but have you ever had a new laptop?

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: PODCASTS (YOUTUBE FOR THE UGLY)
  "My Dog's Favourite Podcast"

  And in ideas you wish you'd thought of, someone
  has made a podcast for your dog that tells him
  he's a nice boy whilst you're out at work. Is
  it better than leaving Radio 3 on? No idea, but
  the streams from dog parents are going to be
  HUGE.
https://open.spotify.com/show/0STnwcEaUq6mdrs4EKLyux

-------------------------------------------------

: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Meat

  Here's the best images from last week:

  * A SALT BATTERY AND GRIEVOUS BODILY HAM from amoebaboy.
http://b3ta.com/board/11303956

  * SHOTS FIRED IN THE WAR AGAINST MEAT from S4RK.
http://b3ta.com/board/11303762

  * SWEET MEAT from TheCrookitFigger.
http://b3ta.com/board/11303981

  * See all the other images from the 'Meat' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/meat/popular/

  >> This week: Letter Change Computer Games <<
  Change one letter of a favourite computer game
  to make something so funny you need to
  photoshop it. It's Letter Change Computer Games
  week.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/letterchangegames/popular/

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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Make some junk and send it in drunk

  * DOM BOT - write bot that replies "Classic
  Dom" to everything @fesshole posts.

  * FUCK OFF EMAIL SURVEY - wonder how many email
  addresses collected on website nag screens are
  [email protected] - because as of 1 minute
  ago, we can promise you it's more than zero.

  * SEND CHEQUES TO FAMOUS PEOPLE - see who
  cashes them. This project should be redone for
  modern times.
https://twitter.com/Natt/status/1217781657790550017

-------------------------------------------------

Free valentines messages for your special lady friend:

"I'd like to bum you from the front"
"Be my Eva Braun"
"I've given up wanking (quite as much) for you"
"Hey cohabiter, I think our relationship is solid
enough to get a cat"

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS 
  We love all these people

  *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
  MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
  JAMES* *STOOBERT*

  24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
  EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
  LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
  VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
  SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
  ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH

  Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
  lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
  Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
  Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
  Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
  Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
  blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
  Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
  Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
  Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
  Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
  Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel,
  Faith H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry,
  Gaynor Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson,
  Gus Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller,
  Iain Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
  Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker,
  Jason Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
  Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
  McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
  Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
  Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
  Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
  Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
  Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
  Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes,
  midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
  Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
  bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul Westerman,
  Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter wouda,
  Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope, Richard
  Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk,
  Ross Carter, RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott
  S. Kramer, sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon
  Holmes, Simon McDougall, Simon waterfall,
  Stephen Waller, Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith,
  Stuart Ashen, Tim Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim
  Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan,
  TownsendsPublisher, Wil Hadden, Will Goulden,
  AuntieSash Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow,
  Chef Twat, Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig
  Turner, Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar,
  Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence,
  James Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
  Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
  Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
  Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook, Hannah
  Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane McHugh,
  Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig Liddell, Helen
  Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will Moody, Nick
  Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green, Justin Brett,
  Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey, Stuart
  Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner Lyons,
  Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff, Mike
  Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
  Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
  Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
  Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
  Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
  STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
  Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
  Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
  Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
  Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick
  Kent, Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea
  Vail, Andy Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben
  cowell-thomas, Ben Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat
  Conner, Centuries of Sound, Claire Allen,
  Claire Zolkwer, Darren John Harris, Dave The
  Hammer Parry, David Bond, David Ellinor, Daz
  Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks,
  Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M
  Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim
  Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E,
  Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt
  Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives,
  Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul
  Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas,
  Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert
  Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
  Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
  Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
  Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
  Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
  Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
  Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
  Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
  Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt

  Please join the patreon so we can afford to
  eat. And thank you to newish Patreon Ben Rout
  and even newer one Tim Clarke. BYE!
http://patreon.com/b3ta

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