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NEWSLETTER: "BRIAN MAY'S GARDENING ACCIDENT: WEEDS WILL, WEEDS WILL WRECK YOU"

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This Week:
* FONTS - Not without swearing. Hooray!
* DOCTOR WHO - Played on the bass guitar. Oh yes
* FESSHOLE - Best posts of April in one handy link

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "What idiot called it 
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ | bukakke and not 'paste 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  without formatting'?"

B3ta binary-mail 745 - 8th May 0b11111100100

Read this issue to a ZX81, who are we to judge?
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue745

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN "MAKING" THIS WEEK
  Other than sitting on Zoom and flaking dandruff 

  >> Scunthorpe Sans swear-blocking font <<
  Matt Round writes, "Using fancy ligatures I
  made a font that detects common swear words,
  but there's a special exemption for
  'Scunthorpe', they've suffered enough from
  crap content filters over the years." This is
  totally wristwatch.
https://vole.wtf/scunthorpe-sans/

  >> More anonymous opinions <<
  We've rejigged our anonymous opinions account
  a bit so check it out if you haven't looked at
  it recently. Hot takes include: "Those Peaky
  Blinder flat caps just make everyone who wears
  them look like a massive twat", "Linda
  McCartney was waay more talented than her
  husband - did he think up veggie sausages? Did
  he fuck" and "Radio 1 is a series of ghastly
  noises interspersed with the jabbering of
  unbearable, self-regarding cunts."
https://twitter.com/anon_opin

  >> Doctor Who played on the bass  <<
  Blonix has been amusing himself by playing the
  Doctor Who theme tune on the bass using loops.
  No, come back, it's quite fun.
https://b3ta.com/links/Dr_Who_loops

  >> Dubbed animals <<
  Slurpy J is back on his bullshit and dubbing
  animals again. 
https://b3ta.com/links/See_the_problem_here_is_your_axle

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What idiot named the Genesis album "And Then
There Were Three" and not No Hackett Required?

-------------------------------------------------

: FESSHOLE
  Your anonymous confessions, confessed
  
  Each week we collate your fibs about sex and
  pissing into sinks into shareable content.

  Our faves include:

  * FARTS - "My girlfriend feel asleep minutes
  before we were supposed to have sex. So I
  drilled a massive fart into her face. The next
  morning she said she had a dream about a
  weird-sounding cow."

  * SPITE CLUB - "Working late I used to sneak
  into the boardroom and write things like
  'merger', 'privatisation?' and 'asset
  overhaul' on the whiteboard, then half rub
  them out. People using the room the next day
  started SO many rumours."

  * CHOP - "My post-vasectomy guidance said to
  ejaculate at least twice a week for 12 weeks.
  My wife had agreed to 'sort out' all necessary
  ejaculations. I reprinted the leaflet so it
  said 'twice a day'. Best 12 weeks of my life."

  If this kind of grot is your bag then follow
  on Twitter dot bollocks. Link goes to the best
  posts of April - nice.
https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/1256577690292883458

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Linda McCartney missed a trick not selling
Veggie Wings

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Content made by bastards who aren't us

  * BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY REINVENTED AS GOOD - you
  will spend the next six minutes of your life
  listening to Bohemian Rhapsody played with 2
  million individual notes in a monstrous great
  midi file and you won't regret a second of it
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HjwzR3BqMZ4&feature=emb_title

  * MAKE YOUR NEXT PROJECT LOOK EXACTLY LIKE
  WINDOWS 98 - a beautiful,
  meticulously-designed UI that is perfect to
  delight a core audience of nostalgic,
  middle-aged nerds. 
https://jdan.github.io/98.css/#intro 

  * NEURAL NET MUSICAL MASHUPS - Writing music
  is now obsolete as AI can take previously
  written songs and make new ones out of it
  complete with vocals. The legal implications
  are huge.
https://openai.com/blog/jukebox/

  * AI MEME GENERATOR - final proof that after
  the machines take everybody's paying job
  they'll take over all shitposting too. They
  won't be good at it 100% of the time, but they
  will be extremely cheap. 
https://imgflip.com/ai-meme

  * 'CLOSED DUE TO COVID' SIGNS - Lovely idea as
  someone has collected the messages businesses
  have put up in their windows to tell customers
  why they're closed. It's all surprisingly warm
  and supportive, although perhaps that's
  because a lot of them are Canadian.
https://duetocovid19.com

  * JAY-Z RAPS HAMLET SPEECH - From Vocal
  Synthesis, a YouTube channel dedicated to
  audio deepfakes, like everyone's problematic
  fave GW Bush singing In Da Club.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m7u-y9oqUSw

  * IMPROVE NIRVANA - Cobain's finest covered
  but every high note is at half speed. As it
  should be.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ibFkJwomL_4

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Groundhog Day 2020 but Bill Murray doesn't
notice he's in a time loop as every day is the
same anyway.

-------------------------------------------------

: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Grown Up Movie Cartoons

  Here's the best images from last week:

  * "WITHNAIL AND I" by S4RK
https://b3ta.com/board/11312961

  * "AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON" by HappyToast
https://b3ta.com/board/11312846

  * SE7EN - by Paint!
https://b3ta.com/board/11313118

  * See all the other images from the 'Grown Up
  Movie Cartoons' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/grownupmoviecartoons/popular/

  >> This week: Social Distancing Computer Games <<
  We're still in lock down and playing computer
  games, but what if those games had to obey the
  same rules. Social distance Pacman and start a
  GTA killing spree because someone coughed near
  you.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/SocialDistancingComputerGames/popular/

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Fair play to Bowie and Prince for checking out
before things really turned to shit.

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Make "content" and make us feel content

  Some ideas to kick you off:
 
  * DYSTOPIAN READING CLUB - each week the guest
  brings in their favourite apocalyptic novel to
  discuss on a podcast. [And now an advert from
  our sponsors: Have you bought the prepper's
  survival kit?]

  * VR BOOK READER - The best place to read a
  book is a train journey. The next innovation
  in reading technology will be VR contact
  lenses that put you on a train to Leeds and
  then you read Adrian Mole on a virtual Kindle.

  * HEADPHONES THAT DON'T NEED CHARGING - maybe
  they could have wires or something?

  Mail us here - and don't send us photographs
  of your pubes and call it art - we've blocked
  you James. 
https://b3ta.com/mailus

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Everyone who eats a sausage should be prepared to kill a sausage dog.

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS 
  We love all these people

  *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
  MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
  JAMES* *STOOBERT*

  24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
  EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
  LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
  VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
  SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
  ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH

  Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
  lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
  Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
  Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
  Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
  Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
  blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
  McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
  Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
  Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
  Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
  Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
  Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
  James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
  Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
  Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
  Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
  James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
  Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
  Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
  McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
  Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
  Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
  Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
  Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
  Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
  Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
  Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
  Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
  bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
  Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
  wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
  Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
  Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
  Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
  Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
  Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
  Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
  Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
  Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
  Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
  Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
  Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
  Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
  Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
  Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
  Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
  Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
  Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
  Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
  McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
  Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
  Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
  Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
  Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
  Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
  Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
  Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
  Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
  Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
  Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
  Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
  Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
  Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
  peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
  Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
  Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
  Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
  Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
  Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
  Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
  John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
  Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
  Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
  Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
  olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
  M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
  Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
  Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
  Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
  Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
  Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
  Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
  Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
  McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
  Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
  Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
  Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
  Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
  Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
  Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
  Kahn, Matt.

  EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round & David
  Stevenson. Plus Simbosan.

  And congratulations to Britain's PM on his
  approximately 6th or 7th child.

  Please join the patreon so we can afford to
  eat. And thank you to newish Patreons Ben
  Rout, Tim Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence
  Saussez, Derek Colley. Martin Pritchard,
  Stephanie Wissinger, Dion Ashton and newest
  one Paul Blanchard. Thanks Paul.
http://patreon.com/b3ta

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