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NEWSLETTER: "PIZZA IS CHEESE ON TOAST WITH BETTER MARKETING. CHANGE MY MIND"

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This Week:
* AI-BASED NEGGING - How old do you look on video chat?
* NOVELTY TUNES - Randomised like INT(RND*38)
* SHEDS - Yes, sheds, sorry about that

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're not going outdoors,
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  as usual, and certainly
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      not together"

B3ta electro-e:mail 744 - 24th Apr 2020

Cough this issue on Zoom to your gran:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue744

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK
  Other than self-isolating with Teletext

  >> Random novelty records <<
  Monkeon has built a tool to resurface terrible
  old novelty records on YouTube. He writes "The
  thinking is that most stuff on YouTube flies
  below their recommendation algorithm, and so
  by linking their search to the discogs
  database of novelty records, it would turn up
  curios with 10 plays (turns out it also finds
  plenty of horrific stuff by Jim Davidson)."
  We're just happy that it threw up Golf Girl by
  Neil. TUNE!
https://monkeon.co.uk/stupidjukebox/


  >> What's Your Webcam Age? <<
  Matt Round writes, "Let the fancy neural
  network judge how old you look in video chats.
  Don't blame me if you don't like the results,
  I didn't train the monster, I merely cloned it
  and set it loose!" We like this, as we found
  by pulling different faces we could get it to
  tell us we look 19 years younger.  
https://vole.wtf/webcam-age/


  >> Which Shed Is the Best Shed Out of All the Sheds? <<
  Unclewilco writes, "We've been running
  #shedoftheyear now since 2007 and you b3tans
  have supported us even when we went corporate
  a few years back and got a TV show. Now that
  phase of shedism is over, don't worry we're
  still celebrating sheds as much as we did. So
  here is a Vote to decide the best shed out of
  all the winners we have had the last 12-odd
  years."
https://www.shedblog.co.uk/2020/04/04/the-ultimate-shed-of-the-year-vote-which-is-the-best/ 

  >> The Clouds Aweigh children's book<<
  Dr Dunno (AKA children's author Chris Drew
  Barker) writes, "I've finished the fourth
  episode in the saga that was only supposed to
  have one episode. My son enjoyed it." The
  Earth is literally falling to pieces and a
  small group of children are the only ones who
  can save it. Perhaps you'd like to buy it for
  the 8-12 year-old in your life? We like the
  strong 1970s kids' drama vibe from the front
  covers BTW.
https://amazon.co.uk/dp/B086Y7R9CM

-------------------------------------------------

What note did Fish from Marillion leave for the
delivery driver to inform him that he's not
self-isolating?

In commune, Ocado.

-------------------------------------------------

: FESSHOLE
  Your anonymous confessions, confessed
  
  Each week we collate your howls into the abyss
  into content.

  Our faves include:

  * PANTS - "When I was a young boy I was
  playing in the back garden with my cousin when
  he noticed a pair of my mother's pants on the
  washing line. He dared me to put them in my
  mouth so I did. I still remember looking to
  the kitchen window to see my dad slowly
  shaking his head."

  * PORN - "As a teenage Pulp fan I was so angry
  when Robson & Jerome stopped Common People
  getting to number 1 that I posted their fan
  club extreme hardcore porn - full-on scat,
  cocks nailed to chairs, bestial orgies. I
  attached a cover letter signed as my grandma,
  who got a police caution."

  * SCUFF MARKS - "In 6th form, a friend
  identified increasing scuff marks on the
  ceiling of my car as from legs akimbo. Despite
  never having a girlfriend I quickly gained a
  reputation in the school as a dark horse who
  was having regular automotive hanky panky. I
  was a virgin. It was my mum's car."

  Join the 73,000 people (yes really!) who've
  followed this bollocks on Twitter dot cunts. 
https://twitter.com/fesshole

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff made my people who aren't us

  * WORK OUT WITH WEB FONDA - Want to exercise
  at home but too lazy to figure out a routine?
  Let random songs and random workout
  suggestions be the answer. Made us laugh but
  we reckon we'd break a leg trying to switch
  exercise every 20 seconds. 
https://random.training

  * BEATSPLIT - Turn any MP3 into a drum pad.
  You'll need an MP3 handy and remember to type
  in the BPM else it gets confused. 
https://beatsplit.glitch.me

  * CAT PIMPING TAKEN TOO LITERALLY - liven up
  your Zoom office meetings by booking visits
  from cats and rabbits for cash. Yep, this is a
  bit too much like sex work for fluffy animals
  for us to be entirely comfortable with it.
http://cuddlecall.me

  * WHO WANTS TO BE A TWILLIONAIRE? If you've
  been watching Quiz on ITV then you've been
  enjoying being reminded of the Coughing Major
  - so why not see if you'd have won the million
  with his questions?
https://twitter.com/_superted/status/1250054117432664066

  * BAD DESIGN ON PURPOSE - An enjoyable design
  contest: how bad a logo can you design for a
  marketing company? The accidental Coronavirus
  one made us laugh.
https://howlowcanyourlogo.com

  * GOLDEN ARM LADY - maybe this is actually
  good or deliberately funny, but given how
  Quibi is randomly chucking money at stuff we
  doubt it.
https://twitter.com/zachraffio/status/1250273191810875392

-------------------------------------------------

What will you do when the lockdown is over? Oh,
you know, the usual: stay at home and look at
the internet.

-------------------------------------------------

: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  B3ta Tussauds

  Here's the best images from last week:

  * BEAKER FROM THE MUPPETS - fine work from
  gub~gub.
http://b3ta.com/board/11311509

  * ZIPPY FROM RAINBOW - also fine work from
  monkeon.
http://b3ta.com/board/11311636

  * NOSEYBONK FROM JIGSAW - more fine work from
  monkeon.
http://b3ta.com/board/11311792

  * See all the other images from the 'B3ta
  Tussauds' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/b3tatussauds/popular

  >> This week: Cartoon Art <<
  Pick a favourite cartoon character, a
  favourite work of art and mix them together.
  What could be simpler? It's a cartoons in art
  challenge. Good challenge actually, over 100
  entries and strangers have even mentioned they
  like it.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/cartoonart/popular

-------------------------------------------------

Celebs. The only lockdown content we want is sex
tapes.

Either they're sexy or they're horrific. It's a
win either way. 

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Make "content" and make us... content
  
  * THIS DATING PROFILE DOESN'T EXIST - generate
  AI people and then generate Tinder text for
  them: "Don't bother replying unless you're an
  8/10" etc.

  * MEMORABLE CREDITS - This is a great thread.
  We wish someone would trace them all down and
  take screen grabs for a picture blog.
https://twitter.com/disappointment/status/1250323747069775872

  * TREK QUIZ - The true joy of watching Star
  Trek TNG on Netflix is guessing how many of
  the ending orchestra stabs will play after you
  press "skip intro". Make it so, as Luke
  Skywalker famously says.

  Send us your stuff:
https://b3ta.com/mailus

-------------------------------------------------

Twitter: Boomers should die
Also Twitter: We didn't mean those Boomers

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS 
  We love all these people

  *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
  MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
  JAMES* *STOOBERT*

  24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
  EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
  LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
  VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
  SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
  ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH

  Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
  lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
  Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
  Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
  Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
  Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
  blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
  McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
  Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
  Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
  Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
  Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
  Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
  James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
  Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
  Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
  Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
  James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
  Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
  Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
  McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
  Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
  Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
  Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
  Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
  Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
  Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
  Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
  Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
  bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
  Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
  wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
  Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
  Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
  Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
  Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
  Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
  Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
  Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
  Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
  Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
  Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
  Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
  Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
  Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
  Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
  Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
  Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
  Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
  Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
  McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
  Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
  Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
  Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
  Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
  Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
  Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
  Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
  Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
  Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
  Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
  Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
  Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
  Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
  peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
  Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
  Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
  Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
  Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
  Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
  Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
  John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
  Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
  Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
  Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
  olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
  M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
  Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
  Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
  Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
  Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
  Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
  Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
  Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
  McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
  Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
  Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
  Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
  Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
  Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
  Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
  Kahn, Matt

  EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round & David
  Stevenson.

  Please join the patreon so we can afford to
  eat. And thank you to newish Patreons Ben
  Rout, Tim Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence
  Saussez, Derek Colley. Martin Pritchard,
  Stephanie Wissinger, Dion Ashton and newest
  one Paul Blanchard. 
http://patreon.com/b3ta

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