NEWSLETTER: "WHAT'S A VAMPIRE'S FAVOURITE CURRENCY? BITCOIN"
"What's a vampire's favourite currency? Bitcoin"
This Week:
* IS IT CAKE? - The big questions answered
* PARENTING TIP - How to avoid the tooth fairy
* FACEHUGGER - Now with bushy, 1970s pubes
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're eating your ear
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | wax in the hope of
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| gaining ear power"
B3ta email 750 - 3rd Aug 2020
Cough this issue on a grumpy stranger:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue750
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: HOLY SHIT WE SOLD AN ADVERT
Sweary scarf
Hebtro are now selling scarfs with swearing on
them, and they'd love suggestions for new
phrases. Rude and all made in the UK too. Buy
them now before they sell the fuck out.
https://hebtro.co/product/sweary-scarf/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK
Other than making sinister marmalade
>> Complete chill out video <<
Your editor has made a 43 min video to
accompany his Tripping Forecast. Book off an
hour to trip balls before starting the rest of
your life.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Watch trailers from any year <<
Ed Jefferson has enjoyed visiting a virtual
1988 Odeon instead of a real lurgy-infested
cinema this week.
https://edjefferson.com/trailertimemachine/
>> Is it cake ? <<
Richard Westenra asks the question we're all
asking "is it cake?"
https://richardwestenra.com/is-it-cake/
>> Face Hugger From Aliens With Pubic Hair <<
Jakedamusss writes, "I couldn't find a picture
of the face hugger from Aliens with pubic hair
- so I made some."
https://ibb.co/album/sjKHhk
>> Word Up, but beats 2 and 4 are swapped <<
Inspired by that Ghostbusters one the other
day, The Ghost of Fungus Past, has been
dicking with audio in an amusing way.
https://b3ta.com/links/Word_Up_but_beats_2_and_4_a...
>> Star Turns GIF Compilation <<
"I've been making these looping animations of
actors turning their heads using film posters.
No time to do them anymore so I compiled them
all into a video with music." writes dunk3d.
https://b3ta.com/links/Star_Turns_GIF_Compilation
>> Choir lols <<
Justwhatever22 writes "I run a choir, and we
made a video. it's a little summarisation of
how we feel about recent developments"
https://b3ta.com/links/Yes_we_Kanye_Bubonic_plague...
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The Communards claimed that they "Never Can Say Goodbye", however Jimmy Somerville says "Goodbye" 42 times. And a further 17 more times in the 12" remix.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff made by people we consider strangers
* JOHN TITOR PODCAST - older readers might
remember the time John Titor came from the
future to post on the internet. His whole
fascinating story is told in this podcast.
Buckle up for madness.
https://podtail.com/podcast/crackpot/time-traveler...
* WHAT'S THE 90s MUSIC CANON - A bit American
in the song choices, but this bit of fun data
journalism asks the important questions: how
long do songs take to fade from the public
consciousness? Not soon enough in some cases.
https://pudding.cool/2020/07/song-decay/
* OMG! BBC MEWS! - Quite an old school idea -
a clone of the BBC news site which replaces
the people with cats. Occasionally funny and
occasionally bad taste. Like something we
might have made in 2002.
https://bbcmews.co.uk/news
* JIGSAW OF A JISGAW - does what it says on
the tin.
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/darrencullen/...
* ENDLESS DOOM SCROLLER - This is basically a
minimalist version of the Twitter experience.
Show your non social-media friends what fun
they are missing out on.
https://endlessdoomscroller.com
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Ultravox and Ian Astbury gigs postponed. Cancel Cult Ure has gone too far.
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: FESSHOLE
Your anonymous confessions, fessed up for lols
Each week we ask you to confess stuff and then
stick all your lies in one place. Here's the
best this week:
* AUTOPILOT - "I can't drive so my girlfriend
drives me most places. I started playing
football with a few colleagues and leaned in
for a kiss when one of them dropped me off at
home. It will haunt me until the day I die."
* PANDERING - "Our son believed he needed
glasses, but just wanted them to look smart.
The eye exam confirmed it. We bought him £10
display glasses. He put them on and was like
'finally, I can see', we never told him.
Easier than dealing with his shit."
* CUNNING - "My daughter just lost her tooth
but cause we're on lockdown & i haven't used
cash for ages i have no change, only a tenner
so I've told her the tooth fairy is on
lockdown because of covid."
Join the 80k foolish pricks that have followed
this junk.
https://twitter.com/fesshole/
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Jaws 3-D refers to Jaw's three dicks. Change our minds.
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: FOLLOW UP ON PREVIOUS STORIES
What happened next
* VR HANDS - someone put one of the ButtyStock 3D models into VR - needs sound.
https://twitter.com/Scampleton/status/128338117594...
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Us: Hi Nik Kershaw, follow me back, I'm a journalist with a request
*Nik Kershaw is now following you*
Us: Send snoods!
*Nik Kershaw has blocked you*
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Free ideas to get you busy
* PAINT NAMER - Someone has mentioned the
paint company Farrow & Ball and it's quite
within your grasp to make a fake paint name
generator. Real examples: Broccoli Brown,
James White, Dead Salmon & Mole's Breath.
* KAREN SIMULATOR - We want to play a game
where we get to be shitty in shops & phone
police on kids kicking a ball into garden.
Sounds fun.
* AN OFF SWITCH FOR ROYALS - If Covid means
royals just quietly get married without making
a big public song and dance about it then,
well, that's a small plus.
Stick your balls in the form of doom:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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Which of the following phrases was rhymed with
"Toxic" in the 2003 Britney Spears hit of the
same name?
a. I've hurt my coccyx
b. Don't step in dog sick
c. I'm Sandi Toksvig
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round. And
don't forget Madonna's controversial advice to
be nice to incels on social media: "like" a
virgin.
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Mark (Mavis), Joshua Rackstraw,
Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri Bionic, Chris
Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris Smith, Daniel
Malbon, James Heaver and Phil Lovell. Please
join the patreon so we can afford to buy
sausages. And a special thanks to the Hebtro
gang. Buy their scarves. Link at the top.
http://patreon.com/b3ta
