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NEWSLETTER: "WHAT'S A VAMPIRE'S FAVOURITE CURRENCY? BITCOIN"

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"What's a vampire's favourite currency? Bitcoin"
This Week:
* IS IT CAKE? - The big questions answered 
* PARENTING TIP - How to avoid the tooth fairy 
* FACEHUGGER - Now with bushy, 1970s pubes 

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're eating your ear
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   wax in the hope of
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   gaining ear power"

B3ta email 750 - 3rd Aug 2020

Cough this issue on a grumpy stranger:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue750

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: HOLY SHIT WE SOLD AN ADVERT
  Sweary scarf

  Hebtro are now selling scarfs with swearing on
  them, and they'd love suggestions for new
  phrases. Rude and all made in the UK too. Buy
  them now before they sell the fuck out.
https://hebtro.co/product/sweary-scarf/

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK
  Other than making sinister marmalade

  >> Complete chill out video <<
  Your editor has made a 43 min video to
  accompany his Tripping Forecast. Book off an
  hour to trip balls before starting the rest of
  your life.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=teP7t6jzEnc

  >> Watch trailers from any year <<
  Ed Jefferson has enjoyed visiting a virtual
  1988 Odeon instead of a real lurgy-infested
  cinema this week.
https://edjefferson.com/trailertimemachine/

  >> Is it cake ? <<
  Richard Westenra asks the question we're all
  asking "is it cake?" 
https://richardwestenra.com/is-it-cake/

  >> Face Hugger From Aliens With Pubic Hair <<
  Jakedamusss writes, "I couldn't find a picture
  of the face hugger from Aliens with pubic hair
  - so I made some." 
https://ibb.co/album/sjKHhk 

  >> Word Up, but beats 2 and 4 are swapped <<
  Inspired by that Ghostbusters one the other
  day, The Ghost of Fungus Past, has been
  dicking with audio in an amusing way.
https://b3ta.com/links/Word_Up_but_beats_2_and_4_are_swapped

  >> Star Turns GIF Compilation <<
  "I've been making these looping animations of
  actors turning their heads using film posters.
  No time to do them anymore so I compiled them
  all into a video with music." writes dunk3d.
https://b3ta.com/links/Star_Turns_GIF_Compilation

  >> Choir lols <<
  Justwhatever22 writes "I run a choir, and we
  made a video. it's a little summarisation of
  how we feel about recent developments"
https://b3ta.com/links/Yes_we_Kanye_Bubonic_plague_in_China_c_c

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The Communards claimed that they "Never Can Say Goodbye", however Jimmy Somerville says "Goodbye" 42 times. And a further 17 more times in the 12" remix.

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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff made by people we consider strangers

  *  JOHN TITOR PODCAST - older readers might
  remember the time John Titor came from the
  future to post on the internet. His whole
  fascinating story is told in this podcast.
  Buckle up for madness. 
https://podtail.com/podcast/crackpot/time-traveler-john-titor/

  * WHAT'S THE 90s MUSIC CANON - A bit American
  in the song choices, but this bit of fun data
  journalism asks the important questions: how
  long do songs take to fade from the public
  consciousness? Not soon enough in some cases.
https://pudding.cool/2020/07/song-decay/

  * OMG! BBC MEWS! - Quite an old school idea -
  a clone of the BBC news site which replaces
  the people with cats. Occasionally funny and
  occasionally bad taste. Like something we
  might have made in 2002.
https://bbcmews.co.uk/news

  * JIGSAW OF A JISGAW - does what it says on
  the tin.
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/darrencullen/jigsaw-jigsaw

  * ENDLESS DOOM SCROLLER - This is basically a
  minimalist version of the Twitter experience. 
  Show your non social-media friends what fun
  they are missing out on.
https://endlessdoomscroller.com

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Ultravox and Ian Astbury gigs postponed. Cancel Cult Ure has gone too far.

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: FESSHOLE
  Your anonymous confessions, fessed up for lols

  Each week we ask you to confess stuff and then
  stick all your lies in one place. Here's the
  best this week:

  * AUTOPILOT - "I can't drive so my girlfriend
  drives me most places. I started playing
  football with a few colleagues and leaned in
  for a kiss when one of them dropped me off at
  home. It will haunt me until the day I die."

  * PANDERING - "Our son believed he needed
  glasses, but just wanted them to look smart.
  The eye exam confirmed it. We bought him £10
  display glasses. He put them on and was like
  'finally, I can see', we never told him.
  Easier than dealing with his shit."

  * CUNNING - "My daughter just lost her tooth
  but cause we're on lockdown & i haven't used
  cash for ages i have no change, only a tenner
  so I've told her the tooth fairy is on
  lockdown because of covid."

  Join the 80k foolish pricks that have followed
  this junk. 
https://twitter.com/fesshole/

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Jaws 3-D refers to Jaw's three dicks. Change our minds.

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: FOLLOW UP ON PREVIOUS STORIES
  What happened next
  
  * VR HANDS - someone put one of the ButtyStock 3D models into VR - needs sound.
https://twitter.com/Scampleton/status/1283381175940263937

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Us: Hi Nik Kershaw, follow me back, I'm a journalist with a request
*Nik Kershaw is now following you*
Us: Send snoods!
*Nik Kershaw has blocked you*

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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Free ideas to get you busy

  * PAINT NAMER - Someone has mentioned the
  paint company Farrow & Ball and  it's quite
  within your grasp to make a fake paint name
  generator. Real examples: Broccoli Brown,
  James White, Dead Salmon & Mole's Breath.

  * KAREN SIMULATOR - We want to play a game
  where we get to be shitty in shops & phone
  police on kids kicking a ball into garden.
  Sounds fun.

  * AN OFF SWITCH FOR ROYALS - If Covid means
  royals just quietly get married without making
  a big public song and dance about it then,
  well, that's a small plus.

  Stick your balls in the form of doom:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

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Which of the following phrases was rhymed with
"Toxic" in the 2003 Britney Spears hit of the
same name?

a. I've hurt my coccyx
b. Don't step in dog sick
c. I'm Sandi Toksvig


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: PATREON THANKS 
  We love all these people

  *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
  MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
  JAMES* *STOOBERT*

  24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
  EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
  LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
  VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
  SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
  ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH

  Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
  lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
  Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
  Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
  Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
  Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
  blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
  McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
  Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
  Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
  Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
  Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
  Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
  James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
  Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
  Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
  Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
  James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
  Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
  Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
  McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
  Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
  Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
  Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
  Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
  Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
  Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
  Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
  Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
  bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
  Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
  wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
  Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
  Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
  Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
  Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
  Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
  Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
  Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
  Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
  Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
  Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
  Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
  Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
  Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
  Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
  Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
  Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
  Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
  Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
  McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
  Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
  Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
  Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
  Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
  Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
  Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
  Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
  Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
  Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
  Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
  Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
  Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
  Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
  peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
  Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
  Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
  Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
  Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
  Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
  Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
  John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
  Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
  Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
  Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
  olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
  M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
  Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
  Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
  Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
  Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
  Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
  Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
  Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
  McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
  Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
  Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
  Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
  Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
  Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
  Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
  Kahn, Matt.

  EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round. And
  don't forget Madonna's controversial advice to
  be nice to incels on social media: "like" a
  virgin.

  And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
  Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
  Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
  Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
  NEWER ONES: Mark (Mavis), Joshua Rackstraw,
  Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri Bionic, Chris
  Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris Smith, Daniel
  Malbon, James Heaver and Phil Lovell. Please
  join the patreon so we can afford to buy
  sausages. And a special thanks to the Hebtro
  gang. Buy their scarves. Link at the top.
http://patreon.com/b3ta


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