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NEWSLETTER: "WHAT DID YODA SAY TO THE CHUCKLE BROTHERS ABOUT SOCIAL DISTANCING? TWO METRE, YOU."

 
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"What did Yoda say to the Chuckle Brothers about social distancing? Two metre, you."
This Week:
* QUIZ - How decisive are you? 
* FESSHOLE - Cat nipple doctor shock
* BBC MICROS - a surprising amount of them. OK, two 

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "Preparing for Lockdown 2
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  by stockpiling bog roll
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|    memes... together"

B3ta email 755 - 2nd Nov 2020

Read this issue whilst huffing the air of Wham!
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue755

-------------------------------------------------

: BUY 'WORD CLOUD' TAROT CARDS
  Sponsored link

  This newsletter is sponsored by veteran B3tan
  Priestess who says: "Ever wanted to learn the
  tarot, but been too lazy to learn which cards
  have which meanings? Fed up with looking up
  cards on websites and in books? I was, so I
  made a deck with the meanings written on them
  to make it easy. They are glossy and black and
  have pretty aliens on them too."
https://wordcloudtarot.com

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK
  Other than eating ham and wanking
  
  * HOW DECISIVE ARE YOU? Monkeon has been
  mucking about trying to work out how decisive
  you are, and writes, "Hopefully the question
  format I chose doesn't detract from the twist,
  but the idea of a Sophie's Choice quiz amused
  me more than standard personality questions."
https://monkeon.co.uk/howdecisiveareyou/

  * BIG VAG ENERGY - Fogfood tells us about this
  "Goofy rap video I made with some pals. The
  animation was erm time-consuming."
https://b3ta.com/links/Big_Vag_Energy

  * VIRAL COMICS - Ambegris writes, "Not blogged
  for a while but have a look at how comics have
  handled viral outbreaks over the years."
https://the-slipper.blogspot.com/2020/07/viral-comics.html

-------------------------------------------------

: BUY A SWEARY SCARF YOU SEXY PEOPLE
  Gazooks! A scarf that swears!

  Hebtro are now selling scarfs with swearing on
  them, and they'd love suggestions for new
  phrases. Rude and all made in the UK too. Buy
  them now before they sell the toss out. 
https://hebtro.co/product/sweary-scarf/

-------------------------------------------------

: FESSHOLE
  Your confessions, fessed up for cheap lols
  
  Each week we ask you to spit your lies into a
  box and publish the ones that either make us
  laugh or boggle:

  * TATTOO - 'I'm Chinese and love to ask people
  why they have "butthole" tattooed on
  themselves. I can't even read Mandarin.'

  * MEOW - "Took my cat to the vets because I
  was concerned about some lumps I'd found on
  him. Paid £32 to have the vet tell me that my
  cat did indeed have nipples."

  * SHOES - 'My husband refuses to help our
  local homeless guy, because "Every time I see
  that cunt he's wearing a new pair of
  trainers!" I wonder why, Mr "I've got 80 pairs
  of Adidas Gazelles" No mate, you've got
  73....'

  Join the 90,0000+ arseholes who've typed over
  a million words into a tiny Google form. Link
  goes to the best of September so share it for
  goodness.
https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/1318249623534927872

  BTW: As the Elon Musk of bullshit Twitter
  accounts, we welcome these new rules where BBC
  staff can't post anything they really think.
  Post anonymously - we wont rat you out for
  your contentious opinions.

-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Celebrating Sean Connery

  With the sad demise of the Highlander II: The
  Quickening star Sean Connery, we're asking you
  to pay tribute using your pirated copies of
  Corel Draw:
  https://b3ta.com/challenge/seanconnery/popular
  /

  And still open, we've got Horror Books which
  is well worth a click.
https://b3ta.com/challenge/horrorbooks/popular/

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Projects made by people we are "othering"

  * WHAT CAN YOU CODE IN 280 CHARS? - That BBC
  Micro Twitter bot now has a website.  Glad
  they have done this, as these things always
  look best side-by-side in one massive
  collection, and they are now safe from the
  Twitter spam-ban-algorithm.
https://bbcmicrobot.com

  * PAT SHARP VS ZELIG - Pat Sharp's has written
  a weird fictional autobiography where he's
  inserted himself into 1980s history. Not sure
  we'd bother reading the whole book but it's at
  least interesting that he's taken an odd
  approach. 
https://twitter.com/anitathetweeter/status/1319364736648183808

  * ELECTION 1982 GAME - See if you can run the
  country better than the tories did in the
  '80s. This made us laugh until we cried,
  sticking up VAT to 100% and refusing to spend
  any money. Click the PLAY button.
http://bbcmicro.co.uk/game.php?id=1537

  * MAKE ME A ZOMBIE - everything is using GAN
  technology now, including shitty zombie
  make-over apps. Still, we got some cheap lols
  from putting Gary Glitter into it and thought
  "best not post this on Twitter"
https://makemeazombie.com/

  * AI-GENERATED BOB ROSS PAINTINGS - get your
  relaxing images via more GAN stuff.
https://twitter.com/happylittlepx

  * MONKEON RECOMMENDS - Rico writes "a game
  which passed my test that if I play it to the
  end then it might be newsletter-worthy.  I was
  expecting a remake of Scary Maze Game, but
  it's not a screamer."
https://donitz.itch.io/dreader

-------------------------------------------------

If you think about it, most films could be a
Jurassic Park sequel / prequel, but just telling
you part of the story that doesn't contain
dinosaurs.

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
  Follow-ups on previous stories
  
  * GANKSY ART SELLS SELLS SELLS - Holy shit.
  Matt Round has sold 110+ of his Banksy-esque
  AI artworks - the first one cost £1 (we bought
  it) and for each sale the price as gone up £1.
https://vole.wtf/ganksy/

  * B3TA CODER HAS SPUDS STOLEN - one-time B3ta
  coder Paul Curry has had his potatoes nicked
  and went straight to the papers. https://www.sussexlive.co.uk/news/sussex-news/man-leaves-sign-spud-bandit-4619656

  * YOKO ONO BOT TALKS TO SEAN LENNON - Just
  Sean Lennon having a chat with his robot mum.
https://twitter.com/seanonolennon/status/1318548112923906052

-------------------------------------------------

We recommend our audience of largely middle-aged
UK men who like comedy and old computers vote
against Trump in this election they are not part
of.

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Make something good, you know you should
  
  * HOW ELITIST ARE YOU? - analyses your Twitter
  account sees whether you reply to people with
  significantly lower follower accounts than
  yourself or mostly talk UP.

  * HOW DRUNK ARE YOU? - Amazon could
  theoretically predict if you're drunk from
  your mouse movements and then funnel you into
  product list of crisps and speedboats.
  
  Send your bobbins to:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/ 

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS 
  We love all these people

  *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
  MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
  JAMES* *STOOBERT*

  24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
  EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
  LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
  VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
  SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
  ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH

  Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
  lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
  Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
  Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
  Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
  Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
  blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
  McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
  Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
  Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
  Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
  Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
  Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
  James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
  Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
  Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
  Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
  James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
  Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
  Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
  McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
  Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
  Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
  Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
  Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
  Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
  Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
  Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
  Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
  bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
  Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
  wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
  Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
  Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
  Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
  Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
  Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
  Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
  Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
  Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
  Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
  Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
  Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
  Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
  Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
  Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
  Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
  Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
  Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
  Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
  McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
  Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
  Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
  Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
  Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
  Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
  Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
  Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
  Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
  Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
  Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
  Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
  Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
  Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
  peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
  Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
  Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
  Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
  Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
  Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
  Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
  John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
  Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
  Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
  Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
  olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
  M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
  Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
  Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
  Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
  Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
  Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
  Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
  Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
  McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
  Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
  Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
  Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
  Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
  Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
  Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
  Kahn, Matt.

  EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round.

  And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
  Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
  Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
  Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
  NEWER ONES: Mark (Mavis), Joshua Rackstraw,
  Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri Bionic, Chris
  Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris Smith, Daniel
  Malbon, James Heaver and Phil Lovell. Please
  join the patreon so we can afford to buy
  sausages. And a special thanks to the Hebtro
  gang. Buy their scarves. Link at the top.
http://patreon.com/b3ta

 
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