we love the web
email us
NEWSLETTER: "WHAT'S YELLOW AND REALLY NEEDS A SHIT? MUST TURD"

next issue »
« previous issue

"What's yellow and really needs a shit? Must turd"
This Week:
* STUFF - there's stuff in this this damn thing
* MORE STUFF - and we promise more stuff
* AND TITS - nope, this bit is a lie

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |   "We're saving up to buy
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  rat-meat for a Christmas
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   treat... together"

B3ta e-fax 756 - 11th Dec 2020

Read this issue whilst googling "how to cook rat": 
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue756

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK
  Other than choosing which sauce for rat

  >> What did you want to be before you grew up? << 
  Matt Round is asking for help and says, "I
  might do a thing about the jobs we wanted as
  kids vs what we ended up doing, but I’ll need
  a LOT of survey responses to even consider it.
  Only 3 quick questions & it’s anonymous,
  please fill it in & RT this"
https://t.co/ZppmNa4qlU?amp=1


  >> Buy Ashens' Movie <<
  Ashens movie "Ashens and the Polybius Heist"
  is out and proving a hit - you can download it
  via Amazon and YouTube. If you squint you
  might spot the editor of this very newsletter
  making a tiny cameo at the end.
https://www.watchpolybiusheist.com/greatbritain

  >> Win a book <<
  Chris Barker is doing a give away for his book
  of Newspaper covers. Complete with a foreword
  written by the most centrist dad of them all,
  and founder of the soup dynasty, Alistair
  Campbell. 
https://twitter.com/christhebarker/status/1336607455271407616

-------------------------------------------------

What's hard and makes cars crash?
J.G. Bollard

-------------------------------------------------

: FESSHOLE
  Your confessions, fessed up for cheap shares
  
  Each week we ask you to spit your lies into a
  box and publish the ones that either make us
  laugh or boggle:

  * "Every night at 9pm, my cat sits in my spot
  on the couch in front of the TV. I put on a
  wildlife show for her to watch till she falls
  asleep. It's our little thing at the end of
  each day."

  * "My brother split up with his girlfriend,
  and removed her from the family WhatsApp. But
  we all really like her, so we created a new
  group with her, but without him. This has now
  become the main family WhatsApp."

  * "Mum's fiancé reacted to me coming out by
  saying "you can't bring some puff to the
  wedding". Well the joke's on you, Chris,
  because it's your son I've been seeing for the
  last 6 months."

  Join the 97,0000 (holy shit!) arseholes who've
  typed over a 1.2 million words into a tiny
  Google form. Link goes to the best of October
  so share it for greatness.
https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/1330954259874131969

-------------------------------------------------

Alan Moore's drag name is Alanis Morissette.

-------------------------------------------------

: BUY A SWEARY SCARF YOU SEXY PEOPLE
  Gazooks! A scarf that swears!

  Hebtro are now selling scarfs with swearing on
  them, buy them or indeed buy their "action
  blankets" which are basically ponchos with
  branding that made our kids go "Dad you're
  wearing a poncho you wanker" and we replied
  "you can take the piss when a clothes company
  sends YOU free clothes like you're an
  instagram influencer you little shits" 
https://hebtro.co/product/sweary-scarf/

-------------------------------------------------

Baby rats should be rittens.

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff made by other people using their thumbs

  *  SPREADSHEET CLOCK - A working digital clock
  using Google Sheets conditional formatting and
  regex. Next week - a barometer made out of a
  Lotus 1-2-3 database.
https://rebrand.ly/sheets-digital-clock

  * WHO IS STREAMING NEAR YOU? Find people who
  are streaming to absolutely no one. Don't
  laugh at them, as this is the modern
  equivalent of practising guitar in your
  bedroom and dreaming about Wembley Stadium. 
https://nobody.live/

  * THE ONGOING SCAM OF PRINTER INK - our cheapo
  tip to run a printer is don't. Really, just go
  to a print-shop if you need anything in colour
  and run a cheapo black and white laserjet at
  home - also ideal for printing out ascii porn
  for a 1980s style wank.
https://pluralistic.net/2020/11/06/horrible-products/#inkwars

  * TEMPLATES FOR BOXES - are you short of boxes
  in your life? Then print out these boxes and
  make your own, and simulate what it's like
  living as someone who orders lots of boxes
  from Amazon. Live the dream you shits.
https://templatemaker.nl/en/

  * READ TWITTER LIKE A CENTRIST MUM - This is a
  nice way of finding out what political bores
  of all persuasions are currently yacking on
  about without having to follow any of them.
  Bookmark this, then block them all, the
  political tits.
https://socialbubble.so

  * GUESS MUSIC TRENDS GAME - quite enjoyed this
  format where you have to draw a graph to guess
  how MP3 sales (etc) have fared through the
  years. Basically everything being quite lively
  years ago and then sinking in the last few
  years reminds us of our penis.
https://play.storylinegame.com/public/play?quiz=musictech

-------------------------------------------------

Sad about Maradona. Fond memories of her Sex book.

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS 
  We love all these people

  *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
  MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
  JAMES* *STOOBERT*

  24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
  EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
  LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
  VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
  SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
  ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH

  Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
  lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
  Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
  Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
  Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
  Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
  blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
  McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
  Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
  Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
  Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
  Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
  Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
  James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
  Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
  Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
  Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
  James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
  Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
  Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
  McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
  Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
  Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
  Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
  Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
  Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
  Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
  Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
  Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
  bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
  Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
  wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
  Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
  Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
  Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
  Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
  Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
  Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
  Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
  Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
  Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
  Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
  Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
  Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
  Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
  Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
  Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
  Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
  Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
  Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
  McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
  Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
  Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
  Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
  Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
  Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
  Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
  Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
  Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
  Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
  Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
  Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
  Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
  Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
  peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
  Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
  Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
  Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
  Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
  Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
  Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
  John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
  Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
  Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
  Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
  olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
  M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
  Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
  Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
  Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
  Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
  Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
  Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
  Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
  McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
  Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
  Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
  Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
  Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
  Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
  Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
  Kahn, Matt.

  EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round.

  BONUS FUNNYISH BULLSHIT IF YOU BOTHER READING
  THIS FAR DOWN: Your 'cancelled after one
  season sci-fi Netflix show' is your mother's
  maiden name backwards followed by your PIN
  number.

  And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
  Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
  Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
  Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
  NEWER ONES: Mark (Mavis), Joshua Rackstraw,
  Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri Bionic, Chris
  Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris Smith, Daniel
  Malbon, James Heaver and Phil Lovell. Please
  join the patreon so we can afford to buy
  sausages. And a special thanks to the Hebtro
  gang. Buy their scarves. Eat rats. Stay safe.
http://patreon.com/b3ta


next issue »
« previous issue