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NEWSLETTER: "INVENTOR OF CASSETTE TAPES DIED THIS WEEK. GOOD THAT HE GOT TO SEE 90"

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This Week:
* WEBSITE - Donate every time an awful twat tweets
* MUSHY-AID - Help out an old B3tan
* APOLOGIES - To Hebtro for missing the ad last week

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |    "We're snipping our 
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   dicks off for internet
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|    content ... together"

B3ta electro-e-email-fax 762 - 12 Mar 2021

Read this if you like, see if we care:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue762

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE MADE THIS WEEK
  Fresh content snot from the internet nose

  * TWEETS = DONATIONS - Dave writes, "We
  thought you might like this stupid thing we
  made: Can we fix the internet? No! Should we
  try? Sort of! You set it to donate to charity
  when a particular person tweets. Maybe we can
  get something positive out of this whole
  cesspit. You could donate to food banks when
  Jacob Rees-Mogg tweets, or maybe you could
  donate to environmental charities when Exxon
  Mobile tweet. Other people will be able to
  think of way better ones than us." This is a
  great idea, we're too mean to give any money
  to charity to try it, but it's a fab idea.
https://makeitdonate.com/unbittertwitter/

  * 'GET LUCKY' AS PERFORMED BY THE ROBOTS FROM
  'THE BLACK HOLE' - Daft Punk's second most
  famous tune now performed by space robots.
  Just in time for last week's image challenge
  too. 
https://b3ta.com/links/Lucky_S_T_A_R

  * MUSHY AID - Really shit news about Mushybees
  - the C word but not the fun one. Stage 4.
  We're raising a bit of cash so she can spend
  it how the fuck she likes because she deserves
  it.
https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-katie-aka-mushybees

  * ROB PHONES UP FESSHOLE PEOPLE - your B3ta
  editor decided to phone up the people
  confessing on Fesshole, and it turns out
  they're quite nice? Settle in for a long
  listen, phonecall two goes somewhere a bit
  surprising and the woman at the end was a
  lovely chat. 
https://fesshole.substack.com/p/i-was-so-bored-that-i-phoned-up-people

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: FESSHOLE
  Your confessions turned into useless likes

  * MEAN BUT FUNNY - "I post fake sightings of
  rare birds on twitcher forums to make the sad
  fuckers drive across the country for no
  reason."

  * SHORT RUSSIAN NOVEL - "About 20 years ago I
  once told my in-laws I was off upstairs to
  watch a James Bond film when really I just
  wanted to get away from them. And so followed
  two decades of shit 007-related presents every
  fucking birthday and Christmas. My own fault."

  * MUMFORD AND SONS' NEW ALBUM - "Me and my
  brothers used to drop our pants and fart into
  the microphone of an old style cassette
  recorder. We used to be in hysterics listening
  back to the 60 minutes of bottom melodies. We
  stopped doing it after my youngest brother
  squeezed too hard and shat on the tape
  player."

  Link this week goes to a confession that did
  over 40,000 likes and added about 4,000
  followers. Never mind the story, marvel at the
  numbers. Ok, the story is great too.
https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/1368492879413473282

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: HEBTRO SPONSORSHIP
  Yes, buy those sweary scarves

  Did you know that Facebook and Google have
  eaten most of the advertising industry? Well
  Hebtro are single-handedly keeping independent
  productions alive by sponsoring b3ta, Richard
  Herring and Fesshole. So buy their stuff, it
  means that there's more internet out there
  than simply another Facebook page. Yay. Also
  we forgot to include them last week so please
  buy everything twice.
https://hebtro.co/product/sweary-scarf/

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: SITES IN BEEF
  A few things, mostly for nerds

  * GIF OF LIFE - Someone has learnt how to
  encrypt pictures in Conway's Game of Life. The
  explanation gets way too complex for us to
  understand, but there's plenty of pictures to
  appreciate the results and it's much more fun
  and geeky than crypto art bollocks.
https://avinayak.github.io/algorithms/programming/2021/02/19/finding-mona-lisa-in-the-game-of-life.html

  * HANGMAN FOR COLOURS - There is a project to
  collect good quality names for every hex
  colour, and this site has turned that database
  into a game of hangman. Albeit a game of
  hangman without a man, or a gallows. Still, a
  nice way of randomly browsing the database.
https://agustinramirodiaz.github.io/Guess-Color-Names/

  * NOKIA TUNE SIMULATOR - Avoid thinking about
  the future by composing your own Nokia
  ringtone and pretending it is 1999.
https://zserge.com/nokia-composer/

  * POPCORN MUSIC - what if music was made with
  popcorn popping in a pan? Wouldn't that be
  nice?
https://twitter.com/simongeist/status/1366072913301037057

  * JAMES BOND - Advocoates writes, "Now then.
  Hope all is well with you. I just came across
  this and it couldn't be any more suited to a
  b3ta newsletter. It's an Australian bloke that
  has painstakingly recreated some graphics
  displayed on an Apple II in the Roger Moore
  classic A View To A Kill. It's written in
  AppleSoft Basic and the best bit is he's done
  a video explaining how he did it all."
https://youtu.be/YGVfwEEjRfs

  * BUILD YOUR OWN 3D CSS AND HTML MODELS - we
  told you that sites in brief this week is
  geeky. We'll try and do a funny one next week
  ok?
https://codepen.io/jcoulterdesign/full/vYyzZdo

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: DEAR B3TA
  Readers' Letters
  
  * FAO MATT ROUND - "Dear B3ta, although an
  avid follower of Matt Round's ButtyStock, we
  are continually disappointed by the lack of
  flavour descriptions of the said crisps in
  sandwiches on the site. It really undermines
  the experience. Please can you ask Matt to add
  the flavour of crisps to each image. Keep up
  the great work, love Goddard Thomas xxx" Nope,
  sorry, email him yourself.

  * MAKE YOU FEEL OLD - "Dear B3ta, I've got a
  bot idea: Bot idea: put in your date of birth
  and it tells you how many people younger than
  you are famous enough to have Wikipedia pages,
  so you can realise how badly you've wasted
  your life. This wouldn't work for people who
  already have Wikipedia pages, like Rob. You
  bastard. ROSS DOBSON" Yeah this could work,
  someone make this one if you're bored.

  * Also thanks to Adam who writes, "Thanks for
  keeping this great site going for so many
  years, it's joy like this we all need right
  now." No Adam, you've got it all wrong, we do
  this stuff to spread our pain and misery into
  the world. You're not meant to like it.

  Write us a letter you cunts. Seriously. About
  anything. We're bored as fuck.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Robot Pop vs Same Director

  Last week we did Robot Pop and Dr Dunno and
  Happy Toast amongst others did brilliant work
  and you should check it out. Honestly Dr Dunno
  is a fucking machine when it comes to this
  stuff. 
https://b3ta.com/challenge/robotpop/popular/

  >> This week: Same Director <<
  Pick a film director and mash up their movies.
  ET in Schindler's List, Robocop in Showgirls,
  A 2001 Clockwork Orange. You get the idea, now
  open Corel Draw and make us lol.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/samedirector/popular/

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There should also be a 6pm curfew on men
replying to tweets explaining the joke or trying
to improve it.

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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Some free ideas for inspiration

  * CRYPTO-MARRIAGE - at some level blockchain
  hype is a way of doing a digital signed
  contract. It could be any contract - including
  the greatest contract of them all: love.

  * GREAT BRITISH NEWS TROLLING - there would
  probably be an amusing trolling operation,
  pretending to be GBN, and approaching various
  figures across the political spectrum to sound
  them out for a presenting gig.

  * US BE GONE - Dear computers. We don't need
  an alerting saying we've unplugged a USB
  without ejecting it first. Maybe just write
  those complaints to a text file and send them
  all to God to judge us when we die.

  You know what to do and it isn't stick shit
  through our letterbox thank you Kevin.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/ 

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS 
  We love all these people

  *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
  MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
  JAMES* *STOOBERT*

  24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
  EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
  LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
  VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
  SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
  ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH

  Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
  lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
  Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
  Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
  Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
  Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
  blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
  McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
  Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
  Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
  Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
  Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
  Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
  James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
  Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
  Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
  Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
  James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
  Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
  Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
  McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
  Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
  Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
  Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
  Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
  Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
  Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
  Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
  Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
  bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
  Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
  wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
  Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
  Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
  Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
  Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
  Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
  Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
  Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
  Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
  Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
  Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
  Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
  Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
  Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
  Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
  Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
  Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
  Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
  Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
  McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
  Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
  Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
  Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
  Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
  Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
  Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
  Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
  Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
  Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
  Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
  Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
  Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
  Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
  peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
  Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
  Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
  Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
  Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
  Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
  Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
  John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
  Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
  Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
  Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
  olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
  M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
  Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
  Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
  Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
  Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
  Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
  Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
  Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
  McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
  Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
  Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
  Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
  Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
  Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
  Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
  Kahn, Matt.

  EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round.

  FINAL THOUGHT FROM ONE-TIME B3TA NEWSLETTER
  CO-WRITER DAVE - "I also like that someone has
  hacked the right-wing outrage algorithm and
  now they're forced to listen to Mumford and
  Sons, love Pepe Le Pew, punish the Dr Seuss
  estate by buying every single one of his
  books."

  And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
  Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
  Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
  Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
  NEWER ONES: Mark (Mavis), Joshua Rackstraw,
  Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri Bionic, Chris
  Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris Smith, Daniel
  Malbon, James Heaver and Phil Lovell. And
  further thanks to newer ones: Ben Oliver,
  James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss, Lindsay
  Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards, Dave
  Wong & Stafford Lawrence. We love you and do
  please donate as you get bonus content (Rob
  shouting into his audio recorder, yes YOU will
  love it.)
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta



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