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NEWSLETTER: "MONOBROWS IMPLY THE EXISTENCE OF STEREOBROWS"

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This Week:
* SURVEY - Did you have imaginary friends?
* NIRVANA - their "music" now improved
* KUBRICK - Now for kids

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're saving the receipts
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ | to claim back expenses for
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| reading your bad tweets"

B3ta electronic e-email 763 - 19 Mar 2021

Read this issue mouthing "why tho?"
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue763

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE MADE THIS WEEK
  Other than making toe-jam in their toes

  * IMAGINARY FRIENDS REUNITED - Matt Round is
  doing a survey on imaginary friends and wants
  to know about yours. The plan is, once he
  knows all about them, he can stick them into
  their own social network where they can live
  forever.
https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdGNx4gErCKJ8kObTQJSzfiFwCTKw_NmN0STdThpiCo9Uq_JA/viewform

  * STOCK VIDEO JAMES BOND - Dogfood has been
  trying to make a James Bond movie from stock
  footage.
http://b3ta.com/links/1562653

 *  DOUBLE BUBBLE TROUBLE - Jaymeekae writes,
 "My online app connects strangers for a moment
 to play with bubbles together." Hopefully this
 is not a front for a nonce club.
https://in.bimble.space/flock

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Waiter: How would sir like his bison steak cooked?
Malcolm McLaren. Buffalo grills. Brown the outside, brown the outside.

-------------------------------------------------
 
: FESSHOLE
  Your confessions turned into useless likes

  * SEX - "My wife and I have an open
  relationship, had a few fun dates but now I
  just use the time every other week to play
  dungeons and dragons with some friends."

  * LOVE - "My boyfriend wants us to move in
  together when lockdown ends. But he's gluten
  intolerant and won't have bread at home.
  Pretty sure I love toast more."

  * AND THEN THE ROYAL MAIL - "I'm a postman,
  and I hate delivering all of your non
  essential shit. Do you really need all those
  clothes? All those shitty ornaments? Trainers?
  To go where exactly? The front room? You thick
  fucks. Stop it. Potentially risking our lives
  to deliver you crap. I hate you all."

  How many fuckers follow this now? About
  119,000, almost exactly the population of
  Tunbridge Wells, and just as committed to the
  green ink. Link goes to the best of February
  2021, so worth a click if you're a grandad
  with a mouse, or a tap if you're a modern
  person with a "thumb".
https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/1371494876681019402

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: SITES IN BEEF
  Stuff made by other wankers. "Them" if you will

  * NIRVANA REPLUGGED - Joel3sixty writes, "Just
  found out a friend of mine gets acapella
  versions of songs and then re-records the
  music - this one is brilliant and deserves a
  bigger audience." Actually this is quite
  amusing and very open to doing more.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=VRdc0OxUmYg

  * ZOOM MEETING DISRUPTOR - Loading his
  Emulator II up with samples of coughs and
  sneezes worked for Ferris Bueller. Now you can
  get out of Zoom meetings by also using a
  library of sound effects. Because more free
  time with nothing to do is what everyone wants
  right now.
https://zoomescaper.com

  * DOES YOUR APP WORK FOR SOMEONE ON DRUGS? -
  No idea if this offer is genuine, but they
  make a good point about usability that Jakob
  Nielsen is clearly too massive a square to
  ever have considered.
http://highqaguy.com

  * KUBRICK FOR KIDS - ArcOnInternet discovered
  this lovely kids' book in their archive
  rambles. The idea of explaining enigmatic
  films in such a way that kids can understand
  them is actually a really good idea. Twin
  Peaks: The Return next please.
https://archive.org/details/2001_A_Space_Odyssey_Kid_Stuff_1984

  * CALCULATING PI WITH A TWITTER POLL - by
  asking people to shut their eyes and poke the
  screen. 
https://twitter.com/jasonshiga/status/1371184283252064261/

  * RANDOMISED SPACESHIP GENERATOR - in case you
  need a random spaceship. (We'd like a button
  to blow them up with lasers please.)
https://ship.shapewright.com/?name=b3ta

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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Same Director vs Advert Mash

  The 'Same Director' challenge was brilliantly
  dominated by Dr Dunno:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/samedirector/popular

  And this week we're asking you to take a
  famous slogan or mascot from one ad campaign
  and apply it to another product. Lets mash up
  adverts!
http://b3ta.com/challenge/advertmash/popular

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: HEBTRO SPONSORSHIP
  Yes, buy those sweary scarves

  Ah it's time to write some copy to sell some
  scarves, please buy some scarves ok? They've
  got swear words on them and if you buy them,
  B3ta lives to see another day coz the whole
  weird enterprise makes a few quid and we can
  justify spending so much time on it nearly 20
  years after we mistakenly thought it up.
https://hebtro.co/product/sweary-scarf/

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: FOLLOW UPS
  What happened next 

  * MORE TINY CHESS - Matt Round writes, "If you
  need more for newsletter, bloke who did the
  chess engine used in Kilobyte's Gambit has now
  used the same graphics to make a real DOS game
  that runs on ancient PCs." Holy mother of
  fuck, we're not bothering to download this but
  we're glad that he bothered.
https://nanochess.org/chess7.html

  * CLICKBAIT ROBOT, BACK BACK BACK - Your b3ta
  editor has brought his headline mashing bot
  back from the dead and... it's still pumping
  out stuff about Brexit and Theresa May as he
  hasn't really updated the templates.
https://clickbaitrobot.tumblr.com/

  * MICROCONTROLLER DUDE -  MattCarr writes,
  "Hey - if you liked my Ocelot console project
  from B3ta email 677 (11 May 2018), I've just
  finished another microcontroller project
  called Game Raccoon. It's all about trying to
  design a new Sega flashcart from scratch, with
  a complete 'making-of' going from sketches on
  paper to manufacturing in China and writing
  the built-in software and trying out Sonic
  hacks."
https://www.mrdictionary.net/gameraccoon/

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: DEAR UNCLE B3TA
  Readers' Letters
  
  * LOOK-A-LIKES - matthewwilliamsimpson writes,
  "Way back in 2018, I asked if you thought like
  me, Alan Davies looks like Belgian singer
  Johan Verminnen. Thanks for giving me a
  mention! I wonder if you also think that Jamie
  Laing looks like athlete Eliott Crestan?"
  Sorry, haven't heard of either of them and
  there is no technology on earth that will
  allow us to find out.

  * WHITE CHRISTMAS - Peteharmanuk writes, "I
  remember a flash animation you had featured of
  'the snowman' only it was called The Semen and
  the lyrics went along the lines of "I'm
  wanking in your haaaiiir'." Nope. Never heard
  of it. Stop emailing us.

  If you've got a question we can shrug at, post
  it to B3ta, c/o Notes & Queries, The Guardian.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Three, free ideas for inspiration

  * SWEARING KIDS - If you ever want to make
  some easy amusing content - point your phone
  at a four-year-old and ask them to list all
  the swears they know. Rarely fails to amuse.

  * AM I THE ASSHOLE? An app that’s just loads
  of photos of Boris Johnson and then one every
  hundred photo it is a close-up of a wrinkly
  sphincter. Tap yes for points.

  * WHAT PERCENT FLAG NONCE ARE YOU? Just idly
  thinking what we would be making if UsVsTh3m
  was still a thing and you know we would have
  probably made it.

  Go on, make some stuff, you lazy twats:.  
https://b3ta.com/mailus/ 

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS 
  We love all these people. Almost sexually.

  *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
  MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
  JAMES* *STOOBERT*

  24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
  EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
  LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
  VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
  SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
  ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH

  Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
  lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
  Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
  Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
  Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
  Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
  blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
  McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
  Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
  Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
  Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
  Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
  Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
  James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
  Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
  Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
  Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
  James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
  Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
  Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
  McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
  Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
  Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
  Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
  Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
  Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
  Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
  Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
  Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
  bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
  Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
  wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
  Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
  Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
  Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
  Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
  Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
  Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
  Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
  Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
  Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
  Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
  Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
  Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
  Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
  Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
  Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
  Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
  Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
  Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
  McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
  Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
  Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
  Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
  Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
  Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
  Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
  Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
  Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
  Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
  Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
  Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
  Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
  Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
  peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
  Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
  Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
  Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
  Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
  Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
  Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
  John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
  Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
  Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
  Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
  olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
  M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
  Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
  Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
  Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
  Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
  Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
  Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
  Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
  McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
  Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
  Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
  Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
  Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
  Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
  Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
  Kahn, Matt.

  EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round. Plus
  David Stevenson on proofing the pudding.

  And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
  Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
  Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
  Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
  NEWER ONES: Mark (Mavis), Joshua Rackstraw,
  Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri Bionic, Chris
  Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris Smith, Daniel
  Malbon, James Heaver and Phil Lovell. And
  further thanks to newer ones: Ben Oliver,
  James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss, Lindsay
  Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards, Dave
  Wong & Stafford Lawrence. We love you and do
  please donate as you get bonus content (Rob
  shouting into his audio recorder, yes YOU will
  hate it.)
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta




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