NEWSLETTER: "WANT TO FEEL OLD? YOU CAN TOUCH OUR BALLS FOR £150"
This Week:
* DISGUSTING - Johnson eats Pot Noodle in bath
* CHALLENGE - Celebs in space
* HOW TO MAKE AI IMAGES - the easy way
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Wo're solvong the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | wob... togothor"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|
B3ta email 778 - 09 Jul 2021
Read this issue if you like, it's your funeral:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue778
-------------------------------------------------
: UPSHOT SPONSORSHIP
Gossip, controversy & drama from the world of sport
Most sports fans are bored of the bland
analysis and stage-managed interviews which
dominate media coverage.
Our weekly email covers the fun, mischievous
side of sport, from training ground fights to
late night partying.
Sign up free and rediscover the fun side of
sport.
https://upshot.email/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than jizz sculptures of strange mountains
* BORIS JOHNSON EATS A POT NOODLE IN THE BATH
- disturbing animation genius Ross Butters is
at it again. Do not watch this if you ever
want to have normal thoughts again. Or,
indeed, enjoy a pot noodle. Can somebody give
this guy a series?
https://b3ta.com/links/Boris_Johnson_Eats_A_Pot_No...
* BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY VS AI - Sharhcore has
taken Bill Shatner's cover of the Queen mega
hit, then thrown the lyrics at an AI image
GAN. The results are horrible... but
interesting.
https://b3ta.com/links/Bohemian_CLIPsody
-------------------------------------------------
: HEBTRO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some fucking jeans you lovely wankers
Many of our readers have legs and these legs
are too sexy to show in public, so they need
to be covered in durable denim to keep off all
the people who'd be too turned on by the sight
of b3tan naked leg flesh. Protect your legs at
Hebtro:
https://hebtro.co/
-------------------------------------------------
: FESSHOLE
Terrible confessions, horribly out of control
Each week we ask you to fess up your lies into
a big fib bin and we publish the worst. Some
that have caught our eye this week:
* DIGITAL WATCH - "I had a Casio remote
control watch that I used to torment my
neighbour with by turning up the volume on
their TV from outside their front window. They
couldn't figure it out & got a priest in to
bless the house. I stopped after that."
* SEX FOR PLUMBING - "I'm a plumber and once
had the cliché porn scene where a customer
said it was more expensive than she expected
and couldn't afford it. I was expecting a shag
or at least a blowjob, but instead she offered
me her coupon booklet and a homemade cake. I
told her I could wait for the money."
* NAUGHTY! - "Old prick who lives across the
road got into an argument with my mother, made
her cry. Next day I noticed he left his front
door open when he was in the back garden. I
entered quickly and stole one shoe from each
of the five pairs neatly lined up in the hall.
Still feel great about it."
Join the 153,000 people who should know
better. Oh and here's a bonus confession that
made us laugh, "My girlfriend started an
OnlyFans during lockdown, I don't have a
problem with that, till she uploaded a picture
of her playing with my cock. The comments were
unkind at best. The ones about the length of
my nutsack have given me a complex."
https://twitter.com/fesshole
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Content made by some other cunts
* WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT GUY WHO TOOK A PHOTO
OF HIMSELF EVERYDAY FOR A FEW YEARS? Today we
learned that Noah kept on taking a photograph
of himself every day up to the start of the
pandemic. Yeah, there's twenty years of this
stuff now. You probably don't *need* to watch
it - it was an upsetting foreshadowing of
mortality by about 2003. But don't you want to
see?
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* YOU'LL ENJOY THIS VIDEO, TRUST US - Ever
wondered how wallpaper was made in the past?
The art of marbling is both fascinating and
very satisfying.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* FOLLOW UP ON SOME WEB BULLSHIT - That "Cat
person and me" viral essay that blew up a few
years ago has a curious coda - everyone banged
on about how real and well written it was.
Well it WAS real and the author largely lifted
the details from someone else's life. The
drama thickens!
https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/07/cat-perso...
* WHAT THE NERDS ARE DOING IS SEXY AS HELL -
This seems to have been popular with the
mega-nerds this week. Someone has managed to
play a Commodore 1541 demo with the computer
unplugged, so everything happens with the disk
drive alone. Witchcraft!
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* HOW TO DO AI IMAGES THE EASY WAY - If you
want to know how to make AI images, here's a
tutorial that anyone who can tinker a bit can
follow.
https://twitter.com/images_ai
-------------------------------------------------
: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Oh god it's back
Yeah, everyone was talking about Nonce
Finance this week. It's a bit of linguistic
awfulness that crops up quite often actually.
Nonce is word used in cryptography to mean "a
number or bit string used only once" and it's
not that all the crypto bros are on Tor and
debating "why, actually, no, Epstein was an
ephebophile". Not JUST that anyway.
https://noncefinance.com/
-------------------------------------------------
: FRIDAY GAME
COVID 19 Management sim
A management game where you play the Czech
government handling the Corona crisis. The
most fun way to play is to imagine the game is
called 'Can You Do Worse Than A Boris
Johnson?' and see if you can make the worst
possible decisions at every opportunity.
https://koronahra.cz/game
-------------------------------------------------
: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Channel4
In a small gesture of support towards Channel
4, against the government likely selling them
off to wankers, we asked B3tans to photoshop
Britain's fourth channel.
* Pukka Jamie Oliver gag from Dick Wonder:
http://b3ta.com/board/11346769
* Robot chaos from S4rk:
http://b3ta.com/board/11346726
* And a Countdown Conundrum from Monkeon:
http://b3ta.com/board/11347079
* See all the other images from the 'Channel4'
challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/channel4/popular
>> This week: Celebs in space <<
There's a race on, between Bezos, Branson and
(probably) Musk, to be the first of the gang
in space. What other famous people should we
cast out into the airless void? Show us
celebrities in space.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/celebsinspace/popular
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to grind your gears
* COMPLIMENT BOT - Seeing as David Lammy has
followed anon_opin account after we posted
"David Lammy has the best twitter profile
picture of any politician. Such a genuine
happy photo face". Maybe it could be a project
for someone? Like Wowbagger the Infinitely
Prolonged but nice: systematically compliment
everyone on the planet.
* 'LET'S GO TO THE TOILET', CHOOSE YOUR OWN
ADVENTURE - bad outcomes include your ring
getting slightly raw and feeling sad that the
poo baby is gone.
* BITTER FEET CARPET SYMPHONY - we've got some
ridged carpet fitted that makes a noise if you
scuff your feet against it and the pitch goes
up if you do it faster. Surely someone could
turn this into performance art that gets to No
1 on the hit parade? Bryan Adams has been
there too long.
Post the better cocks through our letterbox:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
How much is that doggy in the window? The one with the waggly tail?
Four thousand quid mate. Lockdown init.
-------------------------------------------------
: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image
challenge help; and Dr Dunno for extra
support. Proofing by David Stevenson.
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST -
special love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart.
NEW NEWSEST - extra love love love to si
Jobling & Daniel Calvin. And bonus new love to
Douglas Pennant, Roy Santos & Will Thompson.
We love you.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
