NEWSLETTER: "DON'T OPEN THIS NEWSLETTER UNTIL SUE GRAY HAS FINISHED HER INVESTIGATION"
This Week:
* TOO MANY WORDLE GAGS - You can stop now
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - Modernise Films
* FROM THE ARCHIVES - Diarrhea Dan
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're still shitting up
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | the web with terrible
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| content... together"
B3ta email 802 - 14th of Wet January 2022
Read this issue whilst wanking your outie belly button:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue802
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making white wee-wee sandwiches
* WORDLE GAG - people in the extended B3ta
universe have made at least two versions this
week. There's Motty's one that is "like
Wordle, but it always lies to you."
https://www.conniptions.org/pfeffel
* SECOND WORDLE GAG - And there's Ed Jeff's
one that asks you to guess a single letter.
https://edjefferson.com/letterle/
* STREAM KUNT - After Kunt's attempt to get
the Xmas No 1 with 'Boris Johnson Is Still A
F***ing C**t" reached no 5, Kunt is now asking
you to stream it again. Remember there's a
B3ta Editor mix in there somewhere.
http://borisjohnson.info/
* EGGPOD VS GET BACK CONTINUES - Chris's
Beatles-a-thon is now up to day ten and we
particularly recommend the Andy Miller
episode, as it's lively and full of insight.
https://iamtheeggpod.com/2022/01/02/get-back-day-1...
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: FROM THE ARCHIVES
Diarrhea Dan
Back in 2005 funny men Robert Popper & Peter
Serafinowicz asked B3ta to make a game for the
Computers episode of Series 2 of Look Around
You. What with Flash being fucked these days
it's been offline for years, but thanks to
emulation technology we've now brought it
back. WARNING: It'll still be useless on
mobile as it expects you to use the keyboard
to play it. Damn you, Alan Sugar!
https://www2.b3ta.com/diarrhea_dan/
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: HEBTRO SPONSORSHIP
It's cold, so buy some warm clothes
Have you looked out the window recently? Brrr
it's chilly out there but Hebtro is here to
help by selling clothes to keep your armies
and leggies toastie. All made in the UK to
better standards than your local ASDA so fling
them your cash OK?
https://hebtro.co/
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions turned into hard content
Each week we ask you to cry-wank into a bin
and we pick out the saltiest chunks for
internet drama:
* ROMCOM - "I've been trying to set up two of
my friends for a while, inviting them both to
events so they can meet up. They have nothing
in common, but her surname is Merry and his is
Christmas. It's my mission to get them married
and create the ultimate double-barrelled
festive surname."
* SHOES - "Some neighbours in my apartment
building would leave their shoes out in the
corridor. It bothered me a lot, so I put an
anonymous notice up in the lobby saying that
I'd left my shoes out and somebody took a shit
in one of them. Nobody leaves shoes out any
more."
* TEAMS - "Work colleague is freaked out as I
keep joining Teams calls wearing the same or
similar outfit and he can't understand why.
Thinks our minds are linked. His wife or
another member of the team actually tells me
in advance so I can change. 18 months and
we're still not bored."
Join the 263k people who should have their
C90s inspected by Juliet Bravo. Link goes to a
thread we put up at Christmas with some of the
best comments of the year - worth a click we
promise you.
https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/14755082395718...
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Content made my people we don't claim to "know"
* OLD GIFS, LAID OUT BEAUTIFULLY - a tribute
to Geocities that's probably loads better than
our GeoCitiesGifBot as it looks lovely instead
of shit.
https://www.cameronsworld.net/
* CATCHPHRASE REVISITED - This site has been
capturing classic Catchphrase questions from
Challenge TV using machine learning. Some of
the captured answers are good but not right,
but you can usually play along whilst enjoying
the beautifully shit computer animation, many
of which would also work well as sarky
response gifs. We haven't seen the classic
Snake Charmer / wanking one yet, sadly.
https://catchphrase.dpope.uk
* RECIPE FRUIT MACHINE - We are dreadful cooks
and have no idea if any of these work, but
this is far more aesthetically pleasing than
most recipe sites. And you can always just
cover it in cheese if your creation is too
tasteless.
https://olifro.st/vegenerator/
* WORDS THAT OTHER LANGUAGES DON'T HAVE -
Apparently the French have 'Dépaysement': The
feeling of being in another country. And good
for those French twats.
https://doesnottranslate.com/
* ALL GOOGLE'S FAILED PROJECTS - not sure what
lessons you can really learn from this other
than Google can be a complete bastard
sometimes.
https://www.failory.com/google
* LOBSTERS - We're obsessed with the story of
Leon, a lobster rescued from a supermarket
dinner. Watch all three parts and have lots of
lobster thoughts too.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
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: THIS WEEK IN IMAGES
Modernise films
Right we've got a good challenge going on with
over 120 entries - where we're asking you to
modernise movies.
Here's some of our favs so far:
* Ninj's take on Kes
https://b3ta.com/board/11358640
* Monkeon mocking NFTs
https://b3ta.com/board/11358678
* 2kindsofherring updating Hitchcock for the
casual gaming generation
https://b3ta.com/board/11358967
See the lot over on our website dot com:
https://b3ta.com/challenge/modernizefilms/popular
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: THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE NEXT WEEK
Free ideas to kick you off
* IS THIS A PARTY OR A WORK EVENT QUIZ? - you
know, the kind of shit we'd have tossed out if
UsVsTh3m was still a thing.
* HOW GUILTY AS FUCK ARE YOU QUIZ? And all the
answers are "I refer this matter to Sue Gray"
* REALISTIC PRINCE ANDREW SIMULATOR - you'll
have to supply your own joke for this one as
our "lawyer" wouldn't let us run the one we
wrote.
Go on, send us something, you lovely peeps.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image
challenge help; and Dr Dunno for extra
support. Proofing by Kat E. Thanks Kat.
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST -
special love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart.
NEW NEWSEST - extra love love love to si
Jobling & Daniel Calvin. And bonus new love to
Douglas Pennant, Roy Santos & Will Thompson.
We love you. OH GOD, and more bonus love to
Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil McGuire & Paul
Blanchard - you sexy people. And Mike Powell
and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and PJ. Ooooh
and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank
you to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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How many gammon does it take to change a
lightbulb?
Millions. First to successfully campaign to
leave the EU, and then to wait in the dark for
the proper inefficient incandescent light bulbs
to make a comeback. (monkeon)
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/
