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NEWSLETTER: "DON'T OPEN THIS NEWSLETTER UNTIL SUE GRAY HAS FINISHED HER INVESTIGATION"

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This Week:
* TOO MANY WORDLE GAGS - You can stop now
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - Modernise Films
* FROM THE ARCHIVES - Diarrhea Dan

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're still shitting up
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  the web with terrible
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   content... together"

B3ta email 802 - 14th of Wet January 2022

Read this issue whilst wanking your outie belly button:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue802

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
  Other than making white wee-wee sandwiches

  * WORDLE GAG - people in the extended B3ta
  universe have made at least two versions this
  week. There's Motty's one that is "like
  Wordle, but it always lies to you."
https://www.conniptions.org/pfeffel 

  * SECOND WORDLE GAG - And there's Ed Jeff's
  one that asks you to guess a single letter.
https://edjefferson.com/letterle/

  * STREAM KUNT - After Kunt's attempt to get
  the Xmas No 1 with 'Boris Johnson Is Still A
  F***ing C**t" reached no 5, Kunt is now asking
  you to stream it again. Remember there's a
  B3ta Editor mix in there somewhere.
http://borisjohnson.info/

  * EGGPOD VS GET BACK CONTINUES - Chris's
  Beatles-a-thon is now up to day ten and we
  particularly recommend the Andy Miller
  episode, as it's lively and full of insight. 
https://iamtheeggpod.com/2022/01/02/get-back-day-1...

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: FROM THE ARCHIVES
  Diarrhea Dan

  Back in 2005 funny men Robert Popper & Peter
  Serafinowicz asked B3ta to make a game for the
  Computers episode of Series 2 of Look Around
  You. What with Flash being fucked these days
  it's been offline for years, but thanks to
  emulation technology we've now brought it
  back. WARNING: It'll still be useless on
  mobile as it expects you to use the keyboard
  to play it. Damn you, Alan Sugar!
https://www2.b3ta.com/diarrhea_dan/

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: HEBTRO SPONSORSHIP
  It's cold, so buy some warm clothes

  Have you looked out the window recently? Brrr
  it's chilly out there but Hebtro is here to
  help by selling clothes to keep your armies
  and leggies toastie. All made in the UK to
  better standards than your local ASDA so fling
  them your cash OK?
https://hebtro.co/

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: FESSHOLE
  Your confessions turned into hard content 
 
  Each week we ask you to cry-wank into a bin
  and we pick out the saltiest chunks for
  internet drama:

  * ROMCOM - "I've been trying to set up two of
  my friends for a while, inviting them both to
  events so they can meet up. They have nothing
  in common, but her surname is Merry and his is
  Christmas. It's my mission to get them married
  and create the ultimate double-barrelled
  festive surname."

  * SHOES - "Some neighbours in my apartment
  building would leave their shoes out in the
  corridor. It bothered me a lot, so I put an
  anonymous notice up in the lobby saying that
  I'd left my shoes out and somebody took a shit
  in one of them. Nobody leaves shoes out any
  more."

  * TEAMS - "Work colleague is freaked out as I
  keep joining Teams calls wearing the same or
  similar outfit and he can't understand why.
  Thinks our minds are linked. His wife or
  another member of the team actually tells me
  in advance so I can change. 18 months and
  we're still not bored."

  Join the 263k people who should have their
  C90s inspected by Juliet Bravo. Link goes to a
  thread we put up at Christmas with some of the
  best comments of the year - worth a click we
  promise you.
https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/14755082395718...

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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Content made my people we don't claim to "know" 

  * OLD GIFS, LAID OUT BEAUTIFULLY - a tribute
  to Geocities that's probably loads better than
  our GeoCitiesGifBot as it looks lovely instead
  of shit.
https://www.cameronsworld.net/ 

  * CATCHPHRASE REVISITED  - This site has been
  capturing classic Catchphrase questions from
  Challenge TV using machine learning. Some of
  the captured answers are good but not right,
  but you can usually play along whilst enjoying
  the beautifully shit computer animation, many
  of which would also work well as sarky
  response gifs. We haven't seen the classic
  Snake Charmer / wanking one yet, sadly.
https://catchphrase.dpope.uk

  * RECIPE FRUIT MACHINE - We are dreadful cooks
  and have no idea if any of these work, but
  this is far more aesthetically pleasing than
  most recipe sites.  And you can always just
  cover it in cheese if your creation is too
  tasteless.
https://olifro.st/vegenerator/

  * WORDS THAT OTHER LANGUAGES DON'T HAVE -
  Apparently the French have 'Dépaysement': The
  feeling of being in another country. And good
  for those French twats.
https://doesnottranslate.com/

  * ALL GOOGLE'S FAILED PROJECTS - not sure what
  lessons you can really learn from this other
  than Google can be a complete bastard
  sometimes. 
https://www.failory.com/google

  * LOBSTERS - We're obsessed with the story of
  Leon, a lobster rescued from a supermarket
  dinner. Watch all three parts and have lots of
  lobster thoughts too. 
https://www.youtube.com/watch

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: THIS WEEK IN IMAGES
  Modernise films

  Right we've got a good challenge going on with
  over 120 entries - where we're asking you to
  modernise movies.

  Here's some of our favs so far:

  * Ninj's take on Kes
https://b3ta.com/board/11358640

  * Monkeon mocking NFTs
https://b3ta.com/board/11358678

  * 2kindsofherring updating Hitchcock for the
  casual gaming generation 
https://b3ta.com/board/11358967

  See the lot over on our website dot com: 
https://b3ta.com/challenge/modernizefilms/popular

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: THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE NEXT WEEK
  Free ideas to kick you off

  * IS THIS A PARTY OR A WORK EVENT QUIZ? - you
  know, the kind of shit we'd have tossed out if
  UsVsTh3m was still a thing.

  * HOW GUILTY AS FUCK ARE YOU QUIZ? And all the
  answers are "I refer this matter to Sue Gray"

  * REALISTIC PRINCE ANDREW SIMULATOR - you'll
  have to supply your own joke for this one as
  our "lawyer" wouldn't let us run the one we
  wrote.

  Go on, send us something, you lovely peeps.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

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: PATREON THANKS 
  We love all these people. Almost romantically.

  *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
  MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
  JAMES* *STOOBERT*

  24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
  EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
  LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
  VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
  SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
  ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH

  Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
  lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
  Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
  Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
  Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
  Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
  blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
  McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
  Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
  Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
  Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
  Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
  Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
  James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
  Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
  Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
  Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
  James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
  Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
  Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
  McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
  Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
  Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
  Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
  Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
  Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
  Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
  Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
  Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
  bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
  Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
  wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
  Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
  Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
  Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
  Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
  Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
  Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
  Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
  Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
  Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
  Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
  Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
  Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
  Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
  Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
  Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
  Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
  Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
  Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
  McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
  Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
  Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
  Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
  Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
  Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
  Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
  Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
  Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
  Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
  Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
  Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
  Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
  Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
  peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
  Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
  Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
  Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
  Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
  Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
  Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
  John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
  Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
  Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
  Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
  olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
  M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
  Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
  Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
  Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
  Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
  Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
  Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
  Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
  McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
  Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
  Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
  Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
  Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
  Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
  Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
  Kahn, Matt.

  EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
  additional links; HappyToast for image
  challenge help; and Dr Dunno for extra
  support. Proofing by Kat E. Thanks Kat.

  And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
  Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
  Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
  Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
  NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
  Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
  Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
  Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
  Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
  Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
  Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
  Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST -
  special love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart.
  NEW NEWSEST - extra love love love to si
  Jobling & Daniel Calvin. And bonus new love to
  Douglas Pennant, Roy Santos & Will Thompson.
  We love you. OH GOD, and more bonus love to
  Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil McGuire & Paul
  Blanchard - you sexy people. And Mike Powell
  and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and PJ. Ooooh
  and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
  Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
  the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank
  you to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
  appreciated Carl.

 And do please donate as you get occasional
 "bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

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How many gammon does it take to change a
lightbulb?

Millions. First to successfully campaign to
leave the EU, and then to wait in the dark for
the proper inefficient incandescent light bulbs
to make a comeback. (monkeon)
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/

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